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Inner Voice with Jeffrey Marsh: Why "It's All My PARENTS' Fault" Is NEVER An Excuse
In this episode of Inner Voice, Jeffrey Marsh explores the complexities of parenting and personal growth, emphasizing that blaming one's parents is never a valid excuse for personal struggles. Jo...
Inner Voice with Jeffrey Marsh: Why "It's All My PARENTS' Fault" Is NEVER An Excuse
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Hey, this is Jeffrey Masters and I wanted to pop in really quickly and share a few episodes
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of Inner Voice.
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This is a brand new podcast by Jeffrey Marsh, that's Jeffrey Marsh, not Jeffrey Masters,
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I hope you're following.
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Now this other Jeffrey, Jeffrey Marsh, you probably know this, but Jeffrey is an author
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and a long time Buddhist practitioner.
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They've been studying Buddhism since the 90s and all that really informs their work,
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especially their work online where they seem to have a real knack for just consistently
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going viral.
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In this episode, you'll hear them interview the hosts of Transparenly Speaking about
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what it's like to raise trans kids right now, especially with everything going on in
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the world.
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So without further ado, please enjoy Inner Voice with Jeffrey Marsh.
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On this episode of Inner Voice.
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Parents, you're afraid of them being hurt by the outer world, but the hurt you are providing
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is worse than that.
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Oh, say that again.
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Yes, we do things for our kids because we love them.
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Now, because that's what we want.
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The investigation that, no, your kid is just a human being you made.
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But like there are three-dimensional human beings with their own, wants desires, chutzpahs,
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chutzpahs, chutzpahs, chutzpahs, chutzpahs, chutzpahs, chutzpahs.
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You are not your parents' mistakes.
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What they couldn't give you, you now have the power to give to yourself.
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We are here in beautiful Los Angeles, California.
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Yeah.
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Zach, do you like when I do you like when I, the royal we is here just meaning Jeffrey alone.
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But you, Zach, how are you doing today?
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Oh, I'm fantastic.
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I'm just going to be an amazing episode.
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It's amazing.
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Can we give a little easter egg away that we record the interviews first?
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I don't think that's blasphemous.
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I also think it's nice because then we can do the intro and the outro informed by how
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the interview went, right?
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Exactly.
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So it's very smart.
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Right.
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And our guests today are incredible.
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I know.
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Well, that's what I was going to say.
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The interview we just did because we filmed that first.
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We record that first.
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It made me emotional and just cry over my own childhood because we're here to talk
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about parenting.
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But of course, we're going to talk about it in a metaphorical sense that, you know,
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anyone who has been parented, anyone who is a parent, anyone who interacts with other
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human beings.
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I mean, I'll just say it spiritually, Zach, for some people act like children and that's
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actually no offense to children.
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Some people will get into a dynamic with you where they are in a place that's not the
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most mature they've ever been.
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It was not a nice roundabout way to say it.
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That's very kind.
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It's very kind.
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And so the topic of parenting can be very relevant, especially if you're a leader in
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a community or somebody that is looked to by others.
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This is a show.
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I'm Jeffrey and this is a show to help you rework your inner voice.
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I have two bestselling books.
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I, my Oprah liked my first book and I'm a social media star, three billion views.
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And do I talk about what it's like to be a human being and growing up, having grown
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up with parents?
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I wonder, Zach, parenting is such a relevant topic throughout one's entire life when it
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comes to spiritual growth and healing.
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Wouldn't you say?
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Well, I mean, of course, those exceptions, but who has not been parented and or guardian
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by someone?
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I mean, not to discount any potential realities I'm not thinking of, but everybody is
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raised by someone in any alternative or traditional capacity.
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So it's the one thing we all have.
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And I'm not discounting people in the system, you know, in the foster care system or the
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shelter system.
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But in, you know, there's still an upbringing of some sort, right?
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It's the thing that we've all lived through regardless of the mode of it, you know?
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Yeah.
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And even if the system is a lack of parenting, even if the system, even if, even if
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the, I'll say that in the reverse, even if the parenting is done by the system, quote,
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unquote, like a government or, you know, fail safes or whatever, you know, even if the
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parenting is a lack of parenting, it is something that is, it's a topic that's important
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and that we all need to face and consider.
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And that's why our guests are so exciting.
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Today we get to talk about, you know, how we were parented, how people parent others,
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reparenting ourselves.
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We talk about chosen family.
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We talk about being the cycle breakers in our own lives and in our intergenerational
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existences.
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So you can be a cycle breaker without being a parent.
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You can be the one who was raised in XYZ way who was supposed to pass on
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michiganse and you refuse to do it.
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I mean, that is the spiritual path in some ways and that is the therapeutic path.
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If, if, if people are growing and changing and parenting isn't just something you do
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to young people, it's how you hold yourself and how you hold others.
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To be an excellent parent is important even for single people, even for people that
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don't have their parents in their lives anymore, even for people who without children.
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To be a good parent is a set of skills we all need.
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The people who raised you don't get to define you.
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You get to do that definition yourself.
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And I'll tell you, I was so excited by the interview because we talk about exactly that.
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How to love, it was such a rich discussion for me, Zach, how to love a child for themselves
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and not imprint your own needs once.
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What are people going to think of me as a parent onto a child?
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Right, right.
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And as our lovely listeners will see, I mean, there's some transgender specificity to the
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conversation because A.O. they both have trans kids and it was such an opportune guest for us
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who neither of us shy away from our alphabet mafia identities.
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But it's so general too. I mean, so many people who mean well feel the necessity to imprint
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their own losses, their own ego onto the child as if it's a young version of themselves.
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And I think what's so beautiful about the discussion today is the discovery
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and or like the investigation that no, your kid is just a human being you made.
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But like there are three-dimensional human being with their own
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who wants desires,
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Hutzpah's,
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can Hutzpah be plural?
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Hutzpah singular?
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Hutzpah, Hutzpah, Hutzpah.
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They, you know, I'll just speak from my own experience, my dad had the wherewithal later in life,
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right? To say I was concerned about what other parents would think of me because you were queer.
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That somehow being LGBTQ or raising a child, that was somehow a parent's job to not raise an
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LGBTQ child. That that was somehow job number one. And to be able to speak to two parents who
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are not doing that today, who are really vibrant, beautiful, wonderful people,
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but also are not going down that path. What a healing conversation.
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Well, let's let's launch right in, huh? You want to introduce our lovely humans?
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I do. You know, we're doing something a little different because we have two guests
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at the same time. It's an abundance of guests. So sometimes we hear from our lovely communities,
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sometimes we hear from celebrities, experts, you know, and these two vibrant human beings are
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experts in being beautiful parents. And you'll see that we have a bit of tug of war in the
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in me interview, but I love them. And they have their own podcast called transparently speaking,
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where they speak from the heart. And it is a podcast about parenting trans kids.
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And almost every episode breaks my heart open with beauty. And I can't wait for you all to hear
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our beautiful conversation. I would love to welcome Diana and Joy. We're lucky enough to have
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two guests at the same time. Thank you both. Thank you both for coming. And for being a part of
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our discussion today, I wanted to speak to both of you because it occurs to me that parents are often
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in what I would call a middle position. Perhaps we didn't get, and I say, we, I'm not a parent,
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but perhaps our generation didn't get skills that we're all learning right now, self-care, kindness,
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self-respect. And we're trying not to pass on anything we didn't like about the parents we had.
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So we're in this middle spot where we're trying to be the cyclebreakers,
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but we weren't given many examples about breaking the cycle. And so we'll start with you, Joy.
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How do you feel about breaking cycles these days? And how do you feel it's going with you and your family?
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Well, goodness. Thank you, Jeffrey's lovely to be here.
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Hi. We'll start with an easy one, just a really good one.
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I'm like, oh my goodness. Okay. Right away, breaking cycles. Well, I feel strongly about
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trying to be my best self, which means trying to be my best parent. So I am a mom of three.
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And wow, parenting is really hard. And I wasn't necessarily a fan of some of my parenting to your
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point. I think that's maybe a common experience from for many of us. And to be honest, though,
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I don't think I had a lot of self-awareness about it until I became a professional coach. So this
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coach experience has really helped me gain some self-awareness and a lot of intentionality.
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May I ask you directly about that? Of course. What's the what's the correlation? Being a coach is
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kind of like being a parent is kind of like being a coach kind of like that? I think the correlation
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for me is in becoming a coach and doing my own self-awareness journey and needing to do a lot
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of self-management. And I have also needed to be really intentional about how I show up for clients,
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which has made me much more intentional about how I show up for my family and for my kids and for
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everybody else around me. Okay, good. Diana, how are you showing up for your family?
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Very intentionally. I always have. And I think for me a little different is when I was growing up,
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I remember taking notes. My parents would be like, I'm never doing that. I'm never doing that.
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I can't say that I can't say that I remember every single thing. But I do remember a lot of the
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feelings. So when I became a parent, I had thought about where I was now as an adult and those things
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what I would and wouldn't do. And so I think it's helped me because it wasn't just a matter. I
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don't like that. It was like, why don't I like that? Well, because it dismisses my voice. And I
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think that's something I experienced a lot as a as a child and probably not unique to my generation
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of, you know, kids are seen and not heard type of thing and parents know better. And so that has
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affected the way I show up with my kids that I know that they have insights into themselves and
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into their lives. I let them be the experts. For example, in school, I'm not in school with them.
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I may have the experience of a long-term picture of education, but I don't know what it's like
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to be in school. So if they say, I don't want you to scam mom because that's not safe, I believe
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them. I might have a conversation with them about it. Tell me more, but I don't dismiss their voice.
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I want their voice to be have a space at our table. And to me, that speaks of a process that you
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want to bring to parenting. So we can talk about the nuts and bolts for both of you. You know,
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do this, don't do this or I, you know, I have this style. I don't have this style. But when I was
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studying at the monastery, my teacher would say, it's not what, it's how. And you're talking about
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a matter of respect, a matter of trust in self-awareness for the child. Is that what you meant?
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Correct, yes. Yeah. And so can you just say a couple more dianna, just a couple more ways that
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that looks in your parenting? Sure. I think when I've had a conflict with my kids, which I'm going to
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have, I often reflect on it afterwards. Like, how did I show up? How did they show up? How would I
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do it differently? If I were to do it again, these are, these are the, so my process is I often ask
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these questions is if I had to do it again, would I do it differently? Because sometimes answers,
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no, I wouldn't. But if it's, and then if it's, I wouldn't, why not? So that I like my reasons.
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If it is, I would change it, then what would I do differently? And then how do I use that knowledge
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going forward? Yes. Yeah. And so this next question for both of you, but we'll start with joy.
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You know, what was most surprising about being a parent, specifically of a trans kid?
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And through that process, if you can tell us what you learned about yourself from them.
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Oh my gosh, well, I continue to learn so much from them. And specifically, if we're asking,
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what have I learned about myself? Through them, I think I didn't realize how much of an impact
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being a parent really has on me and as part of my identity. And I say that because I gave birth
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to what I believed to be three boys. And that was part of my identity. I was this mom of three boys.
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And say five years into that experience and to that identity, all of a sudden, that identity is
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changing. And that felt challenging to go through and to rediscover what does it mean now to be
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a parent of a transgender kid. And not only, and not only being a parent of a transgender kid,
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but being a parent of a transgender kid that doesn't themselves necessarily want to
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present or identify as transgender. So it became part of my identity. They couldn't
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share necessarily. It became something that we chose as a family to maintain with privacy because
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that was my kids' preference. And so I continue to learn and navigate that space.
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I think that's probably the biggest, the biggest insight or the biggest kind of surprise that I
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continue to navigate on this journey. Yeah, I'd love for you to say a little bit more about that.
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So especially the part of how it affected you that you then couldn't be. So here's my
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projection on to what you were saying. That there was a part of you at least that wanted to be the
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out and proud parent who was fighting for your kid. And then the kid comes around and says,
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oh no, that's not what I want. So tell me about that personal for lack of a better word,
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transition for you, incoming to terms with choosing what your kid was saying over choosing
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something that wasn't impulse within you. Yes, I think that you nailed it on the head. And not
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just an impulse, but a desire, right? I want to be a visible advocate and ally. And my kid is
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basically asking me not to. And that's really hard. It's really hard. And this is, as I
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experienced it, one of the many things about parenting, that's hard. We do things for our kids
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because we love them, not because it's what we want. And oh, say that again. Yes, we do things
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for our kids because we love them, not because it's what we want. You have more to say, I have
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plenty to say on that, but you, you first. No, I think that that's hard. It's hard. And it's
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intentional, right? To make those choices. Yeah. So a lot of parents I witness and my own
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experience of my childhood was that I was some kind of, at least for a long time, some kind of
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extension of their own ego, that who I was, what I was doing was a reflection on them was somehow,
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you know, the family, don't air the family's dirty laundry, that kind of stuff.
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And that to me made it very difficult for me to grow as a human being and become my own person.
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So kudos to you for taking a different path and realizing that you would want to do things for
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the love of your child. And I am no saint, Jeffrey. So I am, I find myself. Oh, sure you are.
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Guilty though, just so what you're talking about. So my daughter, right, the amazing human being
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that we're talking about Samantha, my daughter Samantha is an amazing athlete. And I find now because
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she's passionate about this and love this that I want it. And sometimes I wonder, oh my gosh,
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do I want her success there? So even more than she does. And I have to watch myself all the time.
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Right? I'm like, I only want you to do it if it's fun. Like I'm saying the words. I'm hoping that
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it's real. And because I see one, the joy she has in it and the success she has in it, I continue
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to encourage her. But I have to watch myself like I don't want her to do it because she thinks I
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want her to do it. I want her to do it because she wants to do it. I mean, it's very, as a very delicate
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balance to be constantly watching out for overstepping and forcing and sort of too intentionally
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guiding the child versus just abundantly loving and encouraging anything that the kid is into.
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Is that what you're talking about? Exactly. So that's a balance. Yeah. Yeah, it's a big balance.
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And Diana, could you say a little bit about this concept that you need to step back and let go of
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what they are asking for? And what you're asking for in the sense of not having an egoic ownership
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over trying to get your child to do x, y, and z that would reflect on you.
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Did you have a similar learning experience? Yes. I think that was one of the biggest changes
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when my first one transitioned was that prior to that as a parent, I very much thought their
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behavior, I had control over. Sorry. I'm four kids in now. That's a joke. I have full awareness.
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I have no control. But beyond that, you know, wanting them to behave, I think I was very strict
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with the older two because I wanted them to be seen as well, behaved kids. And so I thought I
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had the control and therefore had judgment of my own kids and other kids. And when my first one
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transitioned and I dealt with the judgment of the community of what that meant, their thoughts on
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the philosophies. And I recognized, wait a second, I have no control. And I often said to people
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that would, I would get the comment frequently, wow, you're so brave to choose to allow
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your, how was it worded? To choose for your child, something along those lines. And I said,
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I don't have a choice in the matter. It's not a choice. My child is who he is.
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The choice I have is whether or not I'm going to allow him to express himself or not. That's my
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choice. And I choose to allow all my kids to express themselves as who they are.
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So I think that was the biggest. And then instead, and I think that was the biggest awareness,
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and then that came into being less judgmental of others, being less judgmental my kids,
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seeing like, you know, if they were sassy instead of like, that's a reflection of my parenting,
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why are they being sassy? Like, what is going on for them? Are they feeling unsafe?
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This is just a clarify, sassy, sassy, sassy, sassy, back as we used to say.
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Yes, I mean, that's what we said when I was a kid. Yeah. So you went through a personal
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journey of growth. You might even say, I'll put, I'll put a very fine point on it. You might
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even say having a trans child is a gift. A hundred percent. You might even say that it, it allows
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you space to grow like an EKG, like sometimes we're, you know, sometimes we hit the mark,
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sometimes we don't, but there's this arc toward even learning more about yourself and being
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a parent and how to live a full life. Yes, there's some of my notes to that original question you
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asked, Joy, is what's surprising as a parent is to see the superpower it is for my child to be
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trans children. I have to to be transgender because I see how nonjudgmental they are of the
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world because of what they've been through, how compassionate they are to others. They're not
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afraid of people who are different than they are. And so it's the most amazing beautiful thing
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and that has had a ripple effect on all of the rest of us, their siblings, my husband, myself.
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And I think that's the thing that I've learned about me is who it's made me reflect on who I am
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and owning it rather than trying to conform to others.
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Owning it rather than trying to conform to others. Joy, it seems like both of you act in some ways
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as the buffer person for your child. You need to be the person between your child and the world
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sometimes. Can you speak about that process and how that's been for you? Yeah, I think
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that's an interesting observation. I don't know if I would necessarily say buffer, but as you say it,
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I get that feels like it fits. I feel like protection comes comes in there. I feel like there's this
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consideration around privacy, supporting my child's desire for privacy. And I think a big part of
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the quote buffer is in navigating our quite complicated world and it's many adult systems like
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healthcare and education. And so that's where I feel that I'm doing some of this buffering.
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Yes, and that to me is why having you on, the podcast is such a powerful experience that this
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is a metaphor for all parents. They may just not know that they may be in this role for their child.
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And the two of you I happen to know are both excellent parents. You made a joke that you're not,
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what do you say? You're not a saint. You are to me. And it's largely because of that willingness to
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grow yourselves. So joy when I'm coaching with people, we often have a discussion,
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you know, if you could pass on one lesson to your kid, what would it be? And then I trick them.
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And I say, how are you doing, you know, with giving yourself that? How are you doing with
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living that lesson for yourself? But both of you, if I may say, are living the lessons for your kids?
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And that to me seems like one of the true gifts of having trans families.
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I totally agree. It's a gift for sure.
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And so joy, what do you do about people in the family that don't get it,
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that are resistant to your child and who they are and on and on?
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Well, I will say I'm super grateful and blessed that our family in general is very supportive.
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And they have always been both sides of our family. Every once in a while, there's a rumble about,
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you know, grandparents, friends or family members, there are siblings who don't get it or aren't
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maybe willing to be supportive. But within the family, at least their front face is of support
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for us and for our child. And front face is good enough. That's what I mean.
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Yeah, you know, it's pretty sufficient. But we do know that there's, there continues to be a
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lack of understanding. So we had a really interesting and powerful conversation around
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Christmas last year, after our newly elected president, you know, was announced in about
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and the concern our concern has been and I both were like, who voted for him, like in our family,
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who do we need to be having conversations with? Because if they voted for him, they definitely
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don't get it. Right. And so that was that's been part of how we're handling people in our life
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is with more education, trying to help them understand how some of these choices or the implications
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of politics in our world right now, which is terrifying. But that's what we're doing to continue
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moving the meal. Sure. I've said many times I could not imagine being a young person right now,
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let alone being a young LGBTQ or trans person at the moment. Yeah. Diana, do you want to
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share a little bit about how you've been navigating that space?
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Two, is it parent? Yes. Sorry, that was a little emotional to hear you say that.
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Hard to imagine our kids in this time. But can I say some more? I'll make you cry some more.
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You know, I grew up with Ronald Reagan with George W. Bush, you know, people that were not very
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kind to LGBTQs from the White House, but to me in some ways this era seems, seems would be much
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more difficult on a young person. And that is shocking to me growing up in the 80s and 90s when
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I literally had no one to talk to and people didn't conceive of trans lives and trans souls the
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way they do today. I just my heart goes out to all young people right now. Yes. So,
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okay, your original question is getting it. When it comes to family members who get it, you can
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address that. I'm going to anyway. I think for people more distant, it depends their role.
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I'll be honest, people more distant than I kind of let them go because I don't have the energy
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for it, especially now more than ever. My energy is less to try to navigate those relationships.
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And it depends, again, it depends how close they are. It also depends how open they display. So,
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if they're when they demonstrate their quote, not getting it, then I tend to be a bit outspoken.
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So, I will say something to them about it and then how that plays out will depend how,
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whether I continue that relationship or not, are they interested in learning? Are they,
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do they show any remorse for any pain that was created by what they said? When it comes to family,
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I'm fortunate to be similar to Joy and that our family has been supportive overall. I will
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stop speaking to me both times. I mentioned two kids that are transgender with each time.
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She stopped speaking for two months. Goodness. I know. Please don't forget where you're about to go.
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But there didn't seem to be a learning experience from the first time. Is that what you mean to imply?
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Meaning, like, if it happened once, I mean, and go through the rigour role of a, you know,
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happening once, but then to come back around again and make that same choice twice, that seems like a lot.
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That seems like a lot. It was actually worse the second time. This first time she didn't say as much
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to me about her thoughts on it the second time. She had a lot to say about my parenting.
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And I think sometimes with certain family members, there is the difference between tolerance and
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acceptance. From my mom, I think for my older one, she has reached acceptance for sure. And she's
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outspoken. She posts on social media, her support for the transgender community and the whole LGBTQ
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plus community. So I'll give her credit for that. But there are other members that I feel like they
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tolerate not necessarily accept, like, oh, it's, I don't even want to use this language because I hate
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this language and I don't want it to be repeated. But it is the feeling of, oh, that child thinks they
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are a boy. And I can see how, because there's, we have a lot of, a lot of my nibblings are boys.
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So I can see how my trans, and I have four kids and some of them are boys. So I can see how my two
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kids that are transgender get treated differently than their cousins or siblings.
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Yeah, it is a, I have to commend you both. I mean, this is just going to be like a fest of me saying,
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thank you. Because as you know, I didn't have the best parents or parents that necessarily got it.
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When I was growing up, so to hear from you is really just stellar and healing for me.
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The consistent and constant obsession, and I'll ask you about this joy, obsession with trans people
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being fake permeates so much of our culture, even down to the language that's used, you know, saying
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trans people identify as, but says people don't identify as they just are, right? Just as an example.
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And to give your kids space to be authentic and be who they are and grow in the best way possible
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is really amazing. So what's your response joy? What do you think about being amazing? How's it
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been for you? I asked the hard-hitting journalism questions right here. I mean, I'm loving the
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shower of love that you're giving me, and I'd love to accept some version of some of the things I do
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are amazing. Awesome. I love that. And I'm not always amazing, but I'm so glad that
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my husband and I have been on the same page early in this journey and doing it together is key.
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I just want to say, like, parenting is hard for everybody, and I feel like, especially in this
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environment, parenting a transgender youth is just so extra hard. And so I couldn't do it alone,
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and I'm grateful not only for my husband and our families, but for people like Diana and for
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people like you, Jeffrey. And I think without the encouragement and support that we have,
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I wouldn't, I probably, I wouldn't be able to do it. So thank you. How dare you? How dare you semi-accept
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a compliment? And then trans-mogrified over into complimenting other people. How dare you on my podcast?
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I'll let it go. I'll accept. It's acceptable. What would if I was if I was the judge on law and
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order? It's like sustained, but watch out. Watch yourself. Isn't that what they always say? Be careful.
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Diana, would you like to talk about that compliment? Letting your kid have space to be
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fully themselves in a world that's like, by the way, just just denigrates young people in general
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that they don't, they don't know what they're doing. They don't, you know, their experience isn't right.
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I know better than you, all that stuff. But when you add to that that you have a trans child,
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it must be your family is, well, I'll let you say what most people's reactions are. But do you have
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I gave you 18 things to get to talk about? I guess I'll start with the last part. What people think,
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I don't know what people think. I don't know that they necessarily directly tell us.
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I have some assumptions based on I think people think we're crazy. I think sometimes it's hard
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for me to mention that I have two transgender kids because I must be doing something wrong. I
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is the commenter. And then especially if they know that I educate on gender, then it's like,
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oh, she knows the secret formula, right? But it has changed how I show up in public. Like the
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minute my first one transitioned, I'm a bit feisty to be honest with you. And so when that first
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one transitioned, I thought, oh, you got to hold yourself and check in public because everyone's
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going to think you're crazy and that you're the reason your child's transgender. So I,
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all of a sudden, became this very calm exterior. And I have the calmness in me, but it's like feisty
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had to go away in public. You had to know me well to see the feistyness, but otherwise it had to be
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calm, agreeable. Yes, tell me more type person. So I think that some of it.
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Wait, tell me more about your bigotry. Is that what you're saying?
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This call. Tell me more about why do you think whatever it is, you know, or I think I have a
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conversation. This wasn't bigotry, but I remember when somebody learned about my my child when
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they first transitioned, they're like, so he likes girls. And I was like, you know, because they
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that confusion of sexual orientation and gender identity. And to be clear, he was seven years old.
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I don't know who he likes. Transgender, transgender people can be gay, pansexual,
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you know, straight, all the things. And he's seven. And so I have no idea right now. This is just
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about who he is. So there's a lot of education, but taking it in that like, and I don't regret it,
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meeting people where they are because I think that approach has helped plant seeds, maybe even
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changed a few people, maybe. But, um, ah, more, yes, catch more flies with honey. There you go.
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But then you have to find an outlet somewhere because sometimes when people ask you about your
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kids genitalia, which I've just, you know, especially when they're like seven years old.
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I'm obsessed with law and order, but that's like the lawyer coming in the room saying this
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conversation's over. My client's out of here. Yes. Okay. So I'm going to make a joke and I'm
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caveatting that it's that it's a joke. And then afterwards, I'll also say it's a joke. But do either
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of you want to weigh in on how your family was the reason Donald Trump got elected? Either of you?
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Joaking kidding. It's pronouns. It's care for trans kids. That's why we're here, right?
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All right. How dare we want our children to get acceptable medical care?
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Right. Well, underneath my joke, my rather clumsy joke, is the idea
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that loving your kid could be quote unquote, to woke, affirming your trans kid could be some sort of
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parental overboard. And what I see in front of me in this lovely zoom are parents that
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should be the model for all families. And I know, I know, Joy, you're going to argue with me.
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You're not a saint. I noted. I wrote it down. And I never wanted my parents to be saints. I really
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just wanted them to act like you all are acting with honesty and integrity openness, kindness.
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Well, I think I just want to say that I think we want everybody to act that way. And when we have a
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president in the office that doesn't model those behaviors and doesn't acknowledge that transgender
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people exist, right? Like these are the barriers that we face. And so yes, we acknowledge our kids
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because it's real and it's an experience and it's devastating that a good portion of the world
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is refusing to understand that.
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I'm glad you used the word refusing. I think that's lovely. But Diana, you were trying to jump in.
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Did you want to also respond? Yes, it goes back to the compliment that you were giving us
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of being amazing parents. I am so uncomfortable with that compliment because
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so excuse me for doing this on your podcast. Go for it. And it's because for me, what joy and I do
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accepting our kids for who they are and I use it plural all our kids. It's not just our transgender
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kids. We're accepting our kids for who they are. To me, that is part of our job as parents. So to be
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to be like, oh, you're amazing. That's so incredible. It's like, no, I'm doing what I'm supposed to
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be doing. So that's where it's hard for me to take the compliment. It's like, well, I'm not
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doing to me anything above and beyond. And I say that and it's been pointed out to me, yes,
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but a lot of parents don't do that. And I'm like, you're already rebutting my rebut.
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I have heard it all, Jeffrey. I have heard it all. And a lot of parents don't do it. I understand
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that part. Or yeah. Well, and I'll address that part with a little bit of what Joy was saying.
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The thing that scares me the most in the current political environment we are is I often think of
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those kids now that are coming out to their parents and those parents who are all scared. So the
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parents that don't do what we do is out of fear. And now that fear is even more elevated to what
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is the world going to think? What is their life going to be like? And so a lot of parents are
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excuse me for being judgmental, but misguided to think that suppressing their kids is protecting
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them. And I often tell parents, you're afraid of them being hurt by the outer world, but the hurt
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you are providing is worse than that. Oh, oh, oh, I was 11 when I came out. My mom said, you're too
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young to know about that. And later in life, she said, I was just trying to protect you
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because I knew you wouldn't have a good life if you were that way. But that's it's I'll go
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I'll go beyond misguided, deluded. And off track off base. If anyone's asking or looking for my opinion,
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what and I assume both of you would agree, what kids need is utter acceptance for who they are.
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Yes, now because I need to be seen and loved or who they are. And joy will end with the point you
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made. I'll just underline it. Everybody should be acting that way. Right, the conversation we're having
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is metaphorical. Whether you were parented, you are a parent, whether you interact with anyone
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in the world to let us do it with seeing who they are, respecting and loving and accepting who they are.
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Thank you both. It means the world to me. And I'm so glad you you stopped by.
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Thanks for having us. Well, what a gorgeous conversation. What gorgeous people,
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what beauty, what kindness. I'm the luckiest person on earth to do this work and to talk to people
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like that. On to trivia. Oh my god, that's me. That's my cue. Hi. When are we supposed to be
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space for the theme song? Am I not supposed to? I mean, wait, no, I know. I'm sorry. Okay, insert song here.
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trivia. I know that song. Every time I do that, every time I do that, I think we're going to get branded.
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I think activity. trivia. Like for some reason, I think we're selling probiotics. This is not a
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sponsored. This is not a sponsored trivia question. That's all I have to say, right? This is
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non sponsored. Jamie Likurdis, if you want to come on the podcast, we're ready. I mean, that would
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be a great interview. That would be sensational. Everybody sent it to Jamie Lee. My question for
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today is according to a 2023 Pew Research Study, what percentage year of evil the year I was.
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Sorry, I didn't write to you. No, no, it's fine. This is so this is from the Pew Research Center.
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What percentage of US adults say they had a difficult relationship with at least one parent
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growing up? Okay, this one's an interesting one because the true number and that word say that
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had happened to them, I think it's two different numbers. So let me go with the face of the question,
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how many adults say they had a difficult relationship with at least one parent? 60. Okay,
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we'll find out more later in the episode. 60.60.61%. I'm trying to do prices, right? Great.
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Okay, Jeffery's locking in their answer at 60.5%. You are locking your answers at home. Okay,
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locking your answers in your head and then we'll come back and we'll reveal the answer. Why is trivia
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like the most fun in the world? Later in the episode. Because trivia is amazing. Okay, I can't wait
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to find out. I mean, either. Hi, I'm Diana and I'm Joy. We're two moms of transgender kids who
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transition young and we stayed pretty quiet about that in real life. But on transparently speaking,
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we say all the things we can't always say out loud. The fears, the joys, the things we still
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figuring out. Our families live non-disclose, which means most people around us don't know our kids
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or trans. That's exactly why we wanted to share with this portion of what our life is really like
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behind the scenes. We talk about everyday things, sports, team, sleepover, school, and also the
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bigger stuff like anti-trans legislation and what hope looks like when things feel hard.
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We don't represent every story, just hours. But if hearing about our experience helps you
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understand more, feel less alone or become a better ally. We're glad you're listening.
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We dive in transparently speaking. Join us to listen and subscribe whatever you get your podcast.
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Such a beautiful time we're having today. I mean, in the world we're in, there's no other work I
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would be doing, Zach. You have a community question for me. Oh my god, I do, but can we hold for
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plane? I live right next to LaGuardia. Let's hold for plane. Oh, hold for plane.
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Is this going in the opposite? I think it's funny. But no, I'll put it in the YouTube and maybe
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I'll cut it out of the audio only because it's a little dead air. Okay, I'll come in the question.
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So this Discord member, which we'll talk about the community later, we actually have Jeffrey
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Savestepays is a community that you can join online at Jeffymars.com. And so sometimes the
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Discord members choose to leave their handles, their screen names in here and sometimes they choose
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to be anonymous. And so this is actually a lovely anonymous Discord member asked, Jeffrey,
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I'm realizing my inner critic sounds exactly like my mom. I knew she was doing her best.
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You pause because you knew I was going to start screaming. No, because my mom listens to this
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podcast. So no shame. I love you. I love you, mom. But so does mine. I know she was doing her best,
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but I still carry a lot of pain. How do I start repairing myself without hating her in the process?
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The good news is asking that question is the most important step. In Buddhism, we often,
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well, it's supposedly something that the Buddha himself said, anger is like picking up a hot
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coal from a fire and throwing it at someone. They might get hit by the coal, but the most
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damage is done to us. We're the ones burning. And so most people just get caught in the hating of
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their own parents for a lifetime. And they never come out of that loop. And I'm not disparaging
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anybody. It takes a lot of work to come out of that loop. But the fact that you know there's an
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outside to the loop is the most important step. So kudos for that. Now, shall I tell you how to get
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out how to get out of there? We all are doing the same work constantly. Whether that voice sounds like
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mom, sounds like a teacher we had, sounds like a dad, sounds like some sounds like the voice on
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the teletubbies, right? That was a deep cut. No matter what it sounds like, it's our job to change
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our relationship with it. And I'll tell you the truest tea you're probably not going to get rid of it.
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So it is in essence knowing it's there and acting anyway, knowing it's there and having your
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beautiful life anyway, regardless of who it sounds like, trying not to get caught up on that part.
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Because I mean, it just makes logical sense that it would sound like whoever our caregiver was who
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installed that information in us. Hey, you know that advice you give your best friend? The one that
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lifts them up, reminds them of their worth and helps them keep going. Yeah, what if you actually
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took it yourself? My book, take your own advice, is the permission slip you didn't know you needed.
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It's a guide to self-kindness to finally believing in yourself the way you believe in others.
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Packed with wisdom, warmth, and that signature Jeffrey magic. This book is like a cozy chat with me,
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or one of your most supportive friends. So if you're ready to stop second guessing and start
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thriving, grab, take your own advice wherever books are sold, and hey, this is your sign.
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Hey beautiful soul, Jeffrey here. Are you ready to finally release what's holding you back?
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Step into your power and live authentically as your truest self. My one-on-one life coaching sessions
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just for you. Let's journey together toward greater self-love, clarity, and empowerment. Apply
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for life coaching at JeffreyMarsh.com. You deserve this personalized care, and I'm here for you.
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It's time for my favorite part of the show. Activate, no, no, no, no. I am getting the answer to
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the trivia question, laid on me, Zach. Let's review and then answer. Right, we always read the
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question again first. There is no question from the Pew Research Center. What percentage of US
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adults say they had a difficult relationship with at least one parent growing up? Okay, the answer
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is according to Pew, you said 60.5. All right, prices rate, rules. According to Pew, 31%.
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31% of adults report having a difficult relationship with at least one parent growing up.
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People can't see the video, but my jaw is on the floor. I'm shocked and shooked. Can I tell you why?
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I mean, I think you are correct. Maybe it says, maybe people can Google the study and it says,
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exactly how they phrased the question. Maybe we can infer that people didn't want to say they had
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a difficult relationship. But as far as I can tell, almost all people have to deal with some sort of
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form of childhood difficulties. At some point, I think it is incredibly rare in the system we have,
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but also incredibly rare in the system we have to grow up with two kind loving, you know,
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wonderful parents, sad to say. But maybe it's just the milieu I swim in as well. And that's part of it
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because of the work I do. You have opinions on this? Zach?
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No, but I mean, I only because you said it so well, but I would like to commend not
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not making it a joke. I would like to commend your use of the word milieu.
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Gorgeous. I put an X on the end of it.
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Mirax. Yeah. No, no, but I can I comment again on
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report having because that's what you said when they first asked the question. You said how many
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people were honest about it versus how many people really feel that way. I mean, 31% of people were
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brave enough to say so. And me and you know from all the other things that we're doing from,
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you know, about percentages and about how many people show up to something, how many people you
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can project to actually participate if they claim they're going to show up to something, right? Like,
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like we know all this stuff now and 31% is a huge number. That is true.
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Of people to be honest, you know, I'm saying like nearly a third. Yeah. Yeah. And that's
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that's the honest people. So I could I mathematically speaking, I could even imagine the number of
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people who actually experienced that. If 31% of reporting, I could imagine it being 70, 80%
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mm-hmm are actually experiencing it, but only 31% are brave enough to say so, right?
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Indeed. And from our example and our our our episode today, it's it's wonderful to be around
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wonderful parents regardless. And with that, it's time to say goodbye again. I really love you all
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and I want you to have a special present in a moment, but first I have some reminders for you.
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You are not your parents mistakes.
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What they couldn't give you, you now have the power to give to yourself.
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And I will tell you forgiveness doesn't mean total access. It is possible to forgive people like
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parents from afar and maintain your boundaries. Parenting is not a practice. It is
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sorry, sorry, sorry. Parenting is a practice. It's not perfection. That's what I mean. Because
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whether you're parenting others or yourself, it's okay to continue to learn as we saw from our
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guests today. And you deserve to be held not hurt. That's the most important that's the most
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important thing to remember. You being taken care of should come first and it must come first.
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And now for that special gift, no matter where you are, we're going to do a kindness meditation
spk_0
together. Please close your eyes. If you're in a space or you're driving somewhere where you can't
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close your eyes or you don't feel safe closing your eyes, just glance down, give yourself some space
spk_0
and bring your attention inward. It's okay to keep walking, folding the laundry. But please take some
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nice, long, deep breaths. Doing this work is not easy. And I'd like you to join me in a mantra.
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Let's repeat to ourselves as you're breathing in this safe, kind space. It's okay to feel
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whatever I'm feeling. Take some deep breaths and repeat with me. It's okay to feel whatever I'm
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feeling. It's okay to feel whatever I'm feeling. And we'll take one last beautiful,
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cleansing breath together. Exhale first. Get all the breath out. And then as a community,
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as a world, as a globe, inhale, big, big breath. Hold the breath there. And exhale.
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Open your eyes. Come back to the world. Live your life and be in love. Bye for now.
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This has been Inner Voice with Jeffrey Marsh. Today's episode was produced by Zach Latino.
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If you're ready to go deeper, transform your life and experience personalized support,
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my one-on-one coaching sessions can be applied for at JeffreyMarsh.com.
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Know someone perfect for Inner Voice? Send them our way. Have them visit JeffreyMarsh.com to sign
spk_0
up for our exclusive online community. And we'll reach out if their inquiry aligns with an upcoming
spk_0
episode. Remember, you are worthy exactly as you are. See you next time.