Stop Mothering Your Partner

Interactive Transcript

spk_0 Daddy Gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. I am all cozy, even though in Los Angeles,

spk_0 currently just for context, it is about 93 degrees. I'm ready for fall, so I refuse to not

spk_0 pretend like it's Gilmore Girls' weather. But if you start to see a little bit of sweat,

spk_0 trickle down my face, just know I am in pain, but I'm in pain because I refuse to not lean

spk_0 into the aesthetic of fall. Because what the fuck? Sunday morning fat this cow, Lin, do do do do do do do do do

spk_0 every Sunday's for this day. That was pretty good, right? Okay, so I want to talk about something I

spk_0 witnessed the other day that I really couldn't stop thinking about. And so I was on this little

spk_0 weekend getaway with Matt. We were sitting by the pool. I was reading my book, eating some chicken

spk_0 fingers, having a little apparel spritz like I fucking deserve. And all of a sudden a couple sat

spk_0 down a few seats over next to Matt and I. They were probably in their late 20s, maybe early 30s. I

spk_0 don't know, I wasn't really paying too much attention them at first. But then within minutes of

spk_0 laying down the girl told her boyfriend, babe, you need to put on sunscreen. And he didn't do it.

spk_0 So she playfully kind of sat up and started rubbing it on for him. Now I hate putting sunscreen on people.

spk_0 I feel like that's a common thing. But you know, I was like, oh, maybe it's kind of cute. Like,

spk_0 I don't know if I would do that for Matt. No, I would. And I've done it for Matt. But he knows like

spk_0 if I have fucking fake nails on, don't even think about it because it's going to get in and around

spk_0 there. But you know what? I was like, all right, at first I was like, maybe it's kind of cute

spk_0 that she's doing that for him. But then he asked what their plan was for the night. And this is

spk_0 obviously a place where people are on vacation, right? Like this is not somewhere that you would be

spk_0 at this little like weekend resort because you live here. You're probably here for a vacation that

spk_0 you guys have planned, right? And she went on to remind him that first they're going to be going

spk_0 back around to shower at five o'clock in their room. Then they have a hotel happy hour that she

spk_0 scheduled. And then she made a dinner reservation at a nice place in town. And he was like, oh my gosh

spk_0 fuck babe. Like I didn't bring clothes for dinner. And literally without even missing a beat,

spk_0 she was like, yes, you did. I put your nice shirt in your suitcase and I brought a couple extra

spk_0 things in my bag for you. Now, was I fully eased dropping on this couple? Maybe. Yes, absolutely.

spk_0 But at that point, I was locked in. And also I feel like that's literally the point of going on

spk_0 vacation half the time is like people watching and getting to watch the way that other people interact.

spk_0 I was in fucking heaven. I was like, keep going. I'm downing my spritz. I'm hoping that they're going

spk_0 to get in a fight. I'm hoping they're going to be talking about family drama. Like I am, I'm

spk_0 elated that I have like a little bit of entertainment while I'm reading my smut book. Okay. And so

spk_0 I'm locked in. I start watching. I'm observing. And this man kind of like lays down for a poolside

spk_0 nap. And all of a sudden, she sat up, clearly worried about him. And she was like, have you eaten yet?

spk_0 Are you hungry? And he gave kind of like a little half nod a minute later. This motherfucker is snoring.

spk_0 And she's flagging down a waiter ordering him lunch while he's fully falling asleep.

spk_0 Now at this point, I kind of saw what I needed to see. And again, I could be completely

spk_0 misreading this specific situation, but it made me realize that most likely this girl has fully

spk_0 turned into this boy's mother. And I want to talk about this because maybe some of you are like,

spk_0 what do you mean, Alex? I've put fucking, you know, sunscreen on my boyfriend before. And I've

spk_0 ordered my boy food and I pack for my boy. Yeah, maybe. And maybe this is not a, you know,

spk_0 parenting your guy's situation. But most likely it is. And I feel this situation is becoming far

spk_0 too common for women. So I'm going to have a little check in because mostly women listen to this

spk_0 podcast. This is a safe space. No boys are here, hopefully. If so, well, we like you because you

spk_0 clearly are not a piece of shit, if you're listening to Colorado. Um, my question to you guys is like

spk_0 really think to yourself today. How many of you have had to remind your boyfriend multiple times

spk_0 to do a task that he should absolutely be handling on his own? How many times have you had to

spk_0 clean up after him, wrap a gift for him or chase him down to make an appointment that he needs?

spk_0 He needs not you. He needs. Okay. We're starting to ask the questions, right? You're like, oh,

spk_0 maybe, maybe, maybe, have you ever had to remind your boyfriend to just simply brush his teeth?

spk_0 That's a big one. That's a really big one. If that's an yes, or you're all like raising your hands,

spk_0 um, I'm going to ask you to take a seat. Maybe stop what you're doing. If you have to leave work,

spk_0 it's totally understandable. And it's honestly okay. Because we need to have a really honest

spk_0 conversation. Because this conversation is that you need to stop mothering your male partners.

spk_0 Let me set the scene. Okay. I'm going to break down what that actually means and what that entails.

spk_0 Mothering your partner is when you stop being this man's equal and you start being his caretaker.

spk_0 You are managing his responsibilities, his schedule, his emotions, his chores, all things he should

spk_0 be doing for himself as a grown adult. And instead of trusting that he's, you know, got things

spk_0 handled, you're reminding him, correcting him and basically teaching this man how to live life.

spk_0 And there is this mentality that you kind of start to have where you're like, okay, well,

spk_0 if I don't do it, it won't get done, right? Or maybe it won't get done literally at all.

spk_0 That's a problem. Okay. Like this girl, the pool, if she didn't pack this man's shirt,

spk_0 this grown 30 plus year old man's shirt for him and slacks and pants and shoes,

spk_0 then he wouldn't have the right clothes to where to at dinner. Even though he knew he was going on a

spk_0 weekend to get away with his partner, he wasn't going to have an outfit for dinner, right? And I

spk_0 think what I want to talk about today is like over time, a partnership like that can get really

spk_0 draining. I think we as women step in and fix situations for our partners because it just feels

spk_0 easier in the moment, right? To just be like, okay, I'm going to handle this so that we don't have

spk_0 any issues later. We're caretakers. The problem is, is when it doesn't just stop at one or two things,

spk_0 right? It's once you start stepping in and the list gets longer. And sometimes this type of

spk_0 behavior, it's not intentional at first, but there is a point where it starts to edge into

spk_0 manipulation once it becomes a pattern when someone purposefully does something poorly. So they never

spk_0 have to do it again. That is weaponized in confidence, that he gang and it is not okay.

spk_0 Let me give you an example. So your boyfriend and you want to go on a dinner date and he says to you,

spk_0 can you find a place like you're just so much better at finding great restaurants? It may seem

spk_0 innocent at first and maybe even a compliment because like you're the foodie and the relationship,

spk_0 you've got all the good spots totally in the beginning. It's like, oh, for sure, for sure.

spk_0 But in reality, if it continues to happen and you're like, hey, babe, like I come on, I'm super

spk_0 busy with work or hey, like can you just pick a place? Like I've picked it all the time and he never

spk_0 does it. Like let's keep it real. You both have access to the exact same Google, right? At some point,

spk_0 this is just him pushing the responsibilities onto you when he is equally capable of handling it.

spk_0 So weaponized in confidence is something that can continue to grow as the relationship goes on.

spk_0 Maybe he, I feel like I've seen it with people like maybe he screws up a grocery run. And now that

spk_0 becomes your responsibility going forward, right? Because you're just better at it. You're just

spk_0 better at it, babe. Can you just do it? You're just better at it. And maybe he does laundry one day

spk_0 and he shrinks something or he bleaches the entire colored section. And it's like, oh, I guess now

spk_0 this is your job forever, right? And rather than to trust him to handle something because you know

spk_0 there's a good chance that he's going to fuck it up, you just do it yourself. And you just keep

spk_0 doing it yourself and you keep doing it yourself. And now I kind of want to pause here for a second

spk_0 because I'm not saying that every couple has to split everything down the middle of times. That's

spk_0 not realistic. That's not what I'm saying. I get it. If actually one of you is grocery shopping

spk_0 more or one of you is do whatever. It's like relationships naturally develop a division of labor.

spk_0 And that is totally fine. That's normal. That's healthy. In my marriage, for example, when it comes

spk_0 to chores, Matt usually does most of the dishes. He actually weirdly likes doing the dishes. And I

spk_0 actually, you, you can't pay me to do dishes. Even when I was in college, my friends knew I hated

spk_0 the dishes. So I would be doing the trash or whatever it be like I never have been a dishes girl.

spk_0 I will never be a dishes girl. That is not weaponizing competence. That is just I don't like to do

spk_0 something. But guess what? I'm going to also pull my weight then in a different category, right? Matt

spk_0 does the dishes and he takes out the trash. And then I'm the one who usually does the grocery shopping

spk_0 and I make sure we're stocked with all of our like household supplies. And these responsibilities,

spk_0 they're obviously allowed to ebb and flow, right? Like if one of us is slammed with work and

spk_0 maybe we're going through something or one of us is more stress than the other, the other than

spk_0 naturally takes on a bit more, right? That's what a partnership is. If you're in a healthy

spk_0 relationship, the division of labor feels fair and neither person feels like they're drowning and

spk_0 neither person feels like they're getting resentful, right? But if you're in a mothering relationship,

spk_0 you're taking on way, way more of the load. You're constantly doing things for him that he could

spk_0 and should be doing for himself. And he's letting you do it instead. I also think something I was

spk_0 thinking about when I was prepping for this is like it's no secret that our society praises men

spk_0 for doing the bare minimum men doing the bare minimum. It is like sweetie. You could be the

spk_0 president of the United States babe. Oh, oh, oh, there he goes. He's taking out the trash. Like you

spk_0 you see a guy change one fucking diaper or take a kid and a stroller on a walk and it is like

spk_0 oh my god, you're so lucky. You have such an amazing partner. He's such an amazing dad. Meanwhile,

spk_0 we just expect women to do fucking everything without any acknowledgement, right? There is an

spk_0 insane double standard that we are all all all very aware of. Whereas women were told to back off,

spk_0 you know, let the man take charge. But then when the guy drops the ball, guess who's expected to fix

spk_0 everything. And if we don't immediately do it, it's our fault. It's never a man's fault. It's always

spk_0 a woman's fault. I love having a vagina. So the point is it's like once you've fallen into this

spk_0 pattern of mothering your partner, it can really start to impact your relationship. Maybe you both

spk_0 start to feel resentful towards each other. You may be like, wait, how is he fucking resentful of me?

spk_0 I'm literally the one doing all of it. You're overwhelmed and you blame him and he feels like you're

spk_0 constantly nagging and pressuring him. But over time, having to mother someone, I want to make sure

spk_0 that you guys keep this in mind. It can easily become the biggest turn off. You're also hurting

spk_0 yourself in your relationship by enabling this behavior because think of that. Is there anything

spk_0 less sexy than having a parental dynamic with your partner? Who in the actual fuck would want to

spk_0 rip a guy's clothes off when you know that you're going to be stuck folding them later? You're going

spk_0 to have to do the laundry of those clothes that you just ripped off. And he's going to lay in bed.

spk_0 He's going to play his video games and you're doing the household chores. Like, what? And I think

spk_0 this dynamic, it goes beyond just physical chores. I know I'm focusing on that just like, you know,

spk_0 tasks and responsibilities. Those are the easy ones. But there is also an element of emotional

spk_0 labor that comes from being the parent of a relationship. You're the one who has to start the hard

spk_0 conversations. You're the one who has to guide you both through difficult moments. Maybe it's with

spk_0 family or friends or whatever. It's constantly like, what do we do, Jenna? Jenna, what do we do? And

spk_0 it's like, Rick, let's start with put down your fucking Xbox. And let's have a mature conversation.

spk_0 It's always on you. You're the one who has to pick things up when he decides it's too much. And he

spk_0 shuts down. And that, if there's women listening to this and this is hitting home, listen to me. That

spk_0 can start to become extremely lonely. You feel like you're not in this together because you're

spk_0 taking literally everything on alone. And you don't have anyone to lean on. The biggest issue is

spk_0 that you end up honestly settling for a less than equal partner. And you end up feeling drained

spk_0 and burnt out and undervalued. But then you just get into this rhythm as we do as human beings.

spk_0 And you just get really used to this pattern. And then you kind of almost forget it's happening.

spk_0 And then it becomes normal to you. But please, please, please hear me when I say as life gets more

spk_0 serious, you get married. You are trying to buy a house. You have kids not having a partner. You can

spk_0 count on becomes more than exhausting. It becomes a burden. It actually eats away at your mental health.

spk_0 And so if you're sitting here realizing, holy shit, I think, I think this is my relationship. I think

spk_0 I am parenting my partner. I'm mothering this man. Don't panic. I'm like, good luck. And good

spk_0 by no, don't worry. Don't panic. I'm your father. And we're going to talk about it. So let's talk

spk_0 about what we can do, right? The first step is just noticing it. You got to catch yourself in those

spk_0 little moments when you're sliding into mom mode. Maybe you are cleaning up his side of the bathroom

spk_0 sink and you realize, wait, no, this is his mess. And this is his problem. Think about these mother

spk_0 fuckers, you guys, they literally wake up and they go to bed. And in their head, they're just like,

spk_0 God, the house looks so clean. Yeah, I wonder why it's because of you, Bernadette. But like has

spk_0 fucking Robbie ever cleaned your side. And again, if that's part of your ebb and flow, we're like,

spk_0 you do the bathrooms and he does the fucking garage maintenance fair. But I'm, but we're not talking

spk_0 about that. We're talking about when you're literally taking on everything and he's literally

spk_0 deep and fortnight. He doesn't even know how everything gets cleaned. He doesn't know how he gets

spk_0 food in his stomach. He doesn't know how everything happens, but it just happens. Okay, eventually,

spk_0 you need to start noticing this pattern and you need to think, wait, no, this is his problem.

spk_0 Or you're maybe on the third reminder, right, about his dentist appointment. Stop yourself

spk_0 because it's not your responsibility. If that fucking jackass gets a cavity, okay, you need to be

spk_0 like, you know what, it's okay if he misses that dentist appointment, right? Simply just becoming

spk_0 aware of what you're doing in the moment. You're like, oh, I'm about to do, nope, stop, stop, stop,

spk_0 he's a grown fucking adult. Because here's the thing, he somehow lived without you, right? Before you,

spk_0 somehow he got around, let him figure it out again, right? So first step is noticing it. What you're

spk_0 doing in the moment, that's huge. That's literally half the battle. You can't change a pattern if

spk_0 you don't even recognize your in it, right? Once you start noticing it, though, I think the next step

spk_0 is to actually communicate with your partner, which is somehow the hardest part of it all, right?

spk_0 Like when you get into a pattern with your partner, there is understandably, and I acknowledge this,

spk_0 this is not a problem I have with math, but we obviously have other problems. And when you fall

spk_0 into a pattern with someone, even if it's not romantic, it's so hard to break patterns, right?

spk_0 So communicating is usually the only way through something. But you don't need to come in guns blazing,

spk_0 blaming him, calling him a child. That is just going to make him more defensive. And the conversation

spk_0 is going to go nowhere and it's going to cause a fight. So we're not going to do that. We never do that.

spk_0 Instead, you could literally say something like, I have noticed that I am taking on a lot,

spk_0 and it's really starting to overwhelm me, Robbie. I need some help. You can be direct,

spk_0 and I also think you should spell out exactly what needs change, right? You could be like, I need help

spk_0 when it comes to the nightly chores. Like, what do you think that you could help with to kind of help

spk_0 take some things off my plate? Or literally, you could even say, I'm completely overwhelmed,

spk_0 planning our vacation, right? Can we divide up the rest of the things that need to be booked?

spk_0 I'm really swamped and I really need your help on these things. Like, I guess my biggest part of

spk_0 the advice when it comes to the communication is you need to give clear examples of where you need

spk_0 him to step up. So there is no confusion. That should be the last time you mother him. Hi,

spk_0 you little fucking dumbass. I'm going to spell this out for you right now. I need you to get your

spk_0 fucking ass up off the couch and help me, okay? But you're not going to say it like that. So

spk_0 communicating, being really, really direct in what you need and then Daddy Gang, you have to step

spk_0 back and actually stop doing the tasks for him. If he forgets to RSVP for that friend's birthday,

spk_0 that's on him. If he leaves for work without his computer charger, yeah, he can drive back and

spk_0 get it himself. Like, men are never going to let you stop mothering them on their own. They love

spk_0 this shit. Oh, it's crazy. It's fucking cozy. Oh, she's mothering me. She's doing everything for me.

spk_0 Damn, I got the best fucking life ever. Why don't you throw it a foot massage while you're out of it?

spk_0 Like, this guy has it made and you're just turning into the fucking grinch in the corner and you're

spk_0 how did this dynamic get created you at some point you needed to take a take accountability. This is

spk_0 literally happening because you why would he stop it? He's literally living at the reds. He's

spk_0 living at the red sea. And you're just like, God damn it. The only way that they will learn is when

spk_0 you stop cushioning the fall and they have to fall on their fucking face and own the consequences

spk_0 of them being a dumbass and being irresponsible. If you can't figure his shit out,

spk_0 that's your clarity that this dynamic is never going to change. Right? Like, when the consequences

spk_0 of his incompetence start to negatively affect your life, then he is probably not a true partner to

spk_0 you. Doesn't mean you're not madly in love with him. Doesn't mean the sex is in great. He's not

spk_0 a partner, right? You don't need to stay in a relationship with a guy who is a never ending fixer

spk_0 upper trust me. I've been there. It never works. There are guys out there who actually do have

spk_0 their shit together. I know that sounds maybe the most crazy thing I've ever said on colored

spk_0 adi. Wait, men actually, they're shit together. Some, some. Okay. And I do actually think that this

spk_0 is something you can start to recognize early on and start to kind of navigate in the early

spk_0 on of the dating phase, right? Like, does he remember little details about you? Does he handle

spk_0 setting up the next date ever? Is his apartment clean? What about his car? Does he show up on time?

spk_0 Does he cook meals for himself? Like real meals? Not a hot pocket, okay? Does he have a calendar?

spk_0 That's probably good when you're in your 30s, you know, to have a calendar. Does he know what his

spk_0 credit score is? Do you know what your credit score is? Those little things, you can start to pick

spk_0 up on if you can see, oh, yeah, he's a full functioning adult. Or is he waiting for someone else to

spk_0 come run his life for him? Once you're in a relationship with a guy who can really take care of

spk_0 himself, everything just gets so much easier. You guys, I remember when I met Matt, I was like,

spk_0 what's going on? No, what's going on? You've got your house, you've got a dog, you have a

spk_0 calendar, you communicate with your family, you remember people's birthdays, you send gifts when

spk_0 people have babies, you are on time to things, you're communicating when you're not going to be on

spk_0 time to think like, what? What? Bare minimum, it's the bare minimum we expect from men. When you've

spk_0 got a little weeny, we just expect you to breathe and we clap. Why? Literally, meanwhile, women,

spk_0 it's like backflip upside down, summer salt, do the flip and we're like, nah, you're still,

spk_0 you're still not perfect. Guys, literally, we need to start holding men to more accountability

spk_0 and to hire fucking standards because you actually deserve a true partner. You're showing up as a

spk_0 partner, right? But in a relationship, the honest truth is you're supposed to be good on your own.

spk_0 You're supposed to still be an individual. You can let your partner make mistakes and be there

spk_0 to support them, but you should also trust that they, to a certain extent, can handle their life.

spk_0 You're there to be supportive. You're there for the hard times. You're there for the good times.

spk_0 But if you left tomorrow, like they're, they're going to be fine, right? There is nothing more

spk_0 attractive than knowing the person that you are with can handle their own shit and still show up

spk_0 for you. What a concept, right? I remember, something Matt said to me in the early days when we were

spk_0 getting close to engagement was, and I will never forget when he said it, he was like, I think

spk_0 how I knew and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you is

spk_0 God forbid something ever happens to me. God forbid when we have kids and something happens to me.

spk_0 I know without a doubt that our kids will be more than perfectly fine with you as their mother.

spk_0 I trust you. I respect you. I know you will be a partner that I can rely on even if I'm not

spk_0 around. And I was like, knock on every piece of wood in this fucking room. Don't ever say that,

spk_0 but it was true. And I felt the same about Matt. I was like, I trust you with my life. When we do

spk_0 have kids, I know you'll still be able to show up for me, but God forbid. I know I can trust that man.

spk_0 And can you say the same or are you still wiping his fucking asshole? Right? So

spk_0 let me just tell you, yeah, that's another point. I just realized if you're still wiping his

spk_0 asshole, literally or figuratively, when you have kids, add him, you've one kid, no, you have two

spk_0 because he's another fucking kid. Like you, you literally will just take on more mothering, right?

spk_0 And I think another sign to look for Daddy Gang in the early stages is like, what is his relationship

spk_0 with his mother? Because that'll tell you God damn lot. If his mother mothers him and you have

spk_0 somehow gotten into the mothering role, this is just a mama's boy through and through and this is

spk_0 someone that probably is going to really have a hard time changing. So couples therapy therapy,

spk_0 that's the kind of shit because this is deep rooted since day one. If he doesn't have that

spk_0 relationship with his mom or anyone in his life, then like, yeah, you've just kind of put yourself

spk_0 into the situation and you have, you have the ability to change the pattern, but it's going to be

spk_0 a lot of work. So the point of this little intro here is let's stop mothering these little bitch boys,

spk_0 okay? It's time to go find men who actually put on their own sunscreen, can pack their own damn

spk_0 suitcases and can actually be a grown ass adult and show up in a relationship before you and handle

spk_0 their own fucking shit. So Daddy Gang, that's it from my little Ted Talk before we get into questions

spk_0 of the week. If you want me to talk about any of this more or have any other questions about this

spk_0 topic, I am happy to answer them. But for now, we're going to take a little trip to France because I

spk_0 want to do a little thing called questions of mama fucking week.

spk_0 Okay, I tried so hard to lean into my fall aesthetic and I'm sweating. Okay, I think literally

spk_0 my vagina is sweating. So we're going to take off this wool blanket. Where do I put this? I'll

spk_0 just put it right here in the spine. Okay, let's answer some questions because you guys need some help.

spk_0 Question one. Hi, Daddy. I just listened to your engagement episode and wanted to write in to you

spk_0 about a specific situation. I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We bought a house together,

spk_0 got a dog and we've talked about marriage a bit, but I still am waiting on a ring. I don't want to

spk_0 be the where is the ring girlfriend, but I am 28. Most of my friends are already married with kids

spk_0 and I feel behind. He always says weddings are expensive, but of course they are. Our eight-year

spk_0 anniversary is coming up and he does, and if he does not propose by then, I will be crushed. How do

spk_0 I handle this without becoming the nagging girlfriend? Okay, so my first note is like totally fair,

spk_0 right? Totally fair that you're like, okay, this man clearly doesn't have commit

spk_0 issues. He bought a house with me. We got a dog together. These are things that are showing that

spk_0 he is in this relationship, but eight years of no ring. Listen, I'm not here to put my judgment.

spk_0 I'm saying what would work for me is not that. I agree. Eight years is pretty long to go without

spk_0 any type of like, are we doing this for life or what are we doing here? I do want to say, though,

spk_0 it seems like you want this, but I always am adverse to the concept of my friends are doing it.

spk_0 I'm feeling behind. If it's just because your friends, you always have to check in with yourself

spk_0 because don't do something just because other people around. You are doing it, but if this is your

spk_0 eight year anniversary and you're almost 28, this means that you've been together since you were 20.

spk_0 And I feel like when you start a relationship at that young of an age and you say together,

spk_0 I do kind of see maybe how you could date for longer because you're like, we're in college,

spk_0 then we're getting out of college, or if you didn't go to college, you're in kind of like this

spk_0 after high school, you meet this person and then you're figuring out your careers. You're in this

spk_0 finding yourselves and your careers in your life when you're in your early 20s, right?

spk_0 And so the thought of marriage maybe not is at the forefront, but now I think you guys have

spk_0 probably gotten into a situation where it has been kind of put on the back burner and you need

spk_0 to bring this up. It's so funny how like everything comes down to communication and I wish I didn't

spk_0 have to say that for every single fucking answer, but that's literally it. Like you need to talk to him.

spk_0 And I think instead of feeling weird and like, Ike and being like, okay, I'm gonna,

spk_0 I'm gonna, I'm gonna drop some hints and I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna look at some rings and

spk_0 leave my phone out while he's like peeking and I'm kind of showing him what ring I want. Babe,

spk_0 just talked to him. This is your partner of eight years. You trust him. He loves you. You love him.

spk_0 I think you need to say, hey, I wanted to have a check in because I know we're coming up on our

spk_0 eight year anniversary. I love you so much. I know that a big conversation when we did have a

spk_0 conversation about marriage was the stress of a wedding is expensive. And I want to have a check

spk_0 in of like one where you're at. Just take away wedding and all the expensive stuff. Where are you

spk_0 at with marriage? Are we still on track? And if he's like, yes, oh, I would marry you tomorrow,

spk_0 then be like, got it. So why don't we sit down and talk about our finances? It is so often,

spk_0 it's like you think it's gonna be so unsexy to talk about your finances. It is the most important

spk_0 fucking thing to talk about one of the most important things to talk about before your next step.

spk_0 Right. Before that next step that you take with this person who you're going to, I'm assuming,

spk_0 wait, but you bought a house together. I'm assuming you have a kind of a gauge on finances. So if

spk_0 finances are tight, you then need to make a decision and be a supportive partner to be like, I don't

spk_0 need this lavish wedding or we can wait and we could have a little ceremony. And then one day when

spk_0 we feel a little bit more like we're in a good financial place that we feel about, then we can have

spk_0 a wedding. So I think if you need to address the finances for him, and if it immediately all of his

spk_0 worries go away because you address the finances and you're like, I would help pitch in further

spk_0 way, the ring, or I am down for you to put more of the money towards the ring. And then if we want to

spk_0 wait for a wedding, whatever it be, you need to compromise with your partner because it's all

spk_0 probably feeling building up on him, him, him, him to we got to have the wedding, we got to have

spk_0 the ring. I literally am so stressed. I can't even think about this. If you alleviate for that for him,

spk_0 would that make you happy, right? Would you be okay not having maybe some of the things that come with

spk_0 wedding and engagement in order to just get engaged is kind of a personal answer for me. I would be

spk_0 okay with it, but who knows, you may be someone that's like dreamt of this really specific ring. And

spk_0 you don't want to compromise on that, but you need to talk to your partner about it. How much money

spk_0 do you guys have in your bank account? Have you joined bank accounts yet? I'm assuming no, since you're

spk_0 not married, what does it look like? How much do you have? How much does he have? You got to talk

spk_0 about this shit. It's like hard because I think a lot of times people are like, oh my god,

spk_0 weddings and all this stuff is supposed to be so sexy and it is. But what the conversations that

spk_0 lead up to engagement and wedding a lot of times aren't so sexy. Hi, babe, what's your credit score?

spk_0 Hi, babe, what is your 401k look like? Hi, babe, do you have like investments? What's your

spk_0 bank account? How much money do you make? What is your what is your yearly take home? What is your

spk_0 annual all the stuff? You need to know. I'm sorry though, that's stressful, but eight years you

spk_0 shouldn't have to keep waiting. You should know. Okay, next question.

spk_0 Hi, daddy. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I have given him head countless times.

spk_0 He has gone down on me less than five times. It's bothering me that the reciprocation is not

spk_0 even close to equal. I don't want to have to ask him to do it though because then I'll be thinking

spk_0 he's only doing it because I asked him to. I don't think I'll enjoy it if it feels forced, but how do

spk_0 I go about getting a little action for myself? Dude, that is truly one of the worst feelings in the

spk_0 world when you are like, I want to bring something sexual up to my partner. Kind of like a note I have

spk_0 for our sex life. And meanwhile, it's going to be so awkward if I ask him for something because

spk_0 in your head you're like, oh my god, then he's going to be going down on me and I'm trying to relax

spk_0 because as we all know, when you're getting fucking eat now, you need to focus, focus, focus. If

spk_0 anything, put a fucking pillow over your head. You have to close your eyes. You have to get in the

spk_0 zone. You have to focus, focus, focus. Oh, this is starting to feel good. Ooh, ooh, ooh. And if all

spk_0 of a sudden you open your eyes because you're like, oh my god, he's only doing this because I literally

spk_0 told him that I fucking needed this shit. And he's not even enjoying himself. And oh my god,

spk_0 is he look at my labia and he does he not like it down there and he does not like the taste and he

spk_0 does not like you're going to start spiraling. I totally empathize with that concept. So what I

spk_0 think you need to do is reframe when you're asking a partner something sexually. I think you could

spk_0 go to him and be like, babe, I love our sex and I love our sex life and something that I was

spk_0 thinking about the other day. I don't know why it kind of came up, but I was like, I remember,

spk_0 like I know it wasn't recent, but I remember one of the last times that you ate me out. I

spk_0 have never really like, um, liked it that much before with a different partner. Maybe don't

spk_0 bring up the different partners. That's the toxic still in me. It's still in there guys. She's still

spk_0 fucking down there. I still want to like, but you know what I mean? I think you can bring it up. Like

spk_0 I had such a good time. Like I, whether, I mean, tell him if you orgasm or not from it and say I

spk_0 would love if we could incorporate that a little bit more because like I love obviously giving you

spk_0 head and I would love if like you could go down on me a little bit more because you're so good at

spk_0 it. Compliment fucking sandwich. You know what I mean? I get it's awkward. I get it's not comfortable,

spk_0 but the point is is like you need to tell him, but you can't do it in a way that's like, I always give

spk_0 you head and you know they're fucking me out. So what the fuck bitch? Because then he's going to be like,

spk_0 oh, I didn't know we were like counting. Um, who does what? And I just think, you know, guys are

spk_0 just so fucking insecure. Like you got to just go about it. Like I'm literally obsessed with when

spk_0 you eat me out and I realize like we always just kind of like go straight to fucking and I want more

spk_0 for play. Like I need you to eat me out. I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it at

spk_0 work. I've been thinking about it when I'm in the shower. I need you. And then he'll be like, okay,

spk_0 and then I'll go town town. And if he doesn't, then you have a problem because well then he's never

spk_0 going to get his fucking dick sucked. You know, if you can't have any fun, neither can he nor Shuddy.

spk_0 Okay, next Alex, I need advice. My strict religious parents do not approve of my boyfriend.

spk_0 They think he is the reason I have gone astray with sex drinking and changing up my look. But the

spk_0 truth is I have already been in the process of trying new things before I even met him. He treats

spk_0 me while respects me and shares my values. The problem is my parents see him as the enemy

spk_0 and refuse to see the real him. How do I stay with him without completely blowing up my relationship

spk_0 with my family? Damn. I mean, it's so hard when you start to change and your parents are like,

spk_0 wait, wait, wait, wait, where's our little girl? Like come back here. I think your parents are

spk_0 clearly grappling with the fact that you are forging your own path and you're becoming an individual

spk_0 and you're doing things for yourself and you're not conforming to what they wanted for you

spk_0 and have wanted for you and have kind of shown you the way when you were living in their household

spk_0 and now that you're an adult, they're kind of like, we excuse you. Come back here, come back here

spk_0 and you're like, I actually like it better over here. I think that's a really unfortunately

spk_0 relatable thing for a lot of people when you move out of your childhood home or you stop living

spk_0 with your parents. It's kind of like you just naturally see the world differently as you should.

spk_0 You start to become someone that is an individual and you're thinking for yourself and you're

spk_0 experiencing the world and that's so healthy. I think something that you can do is have a conversation

spk_0 with your parents where you kind of explain to them why you're making these changes, right? Like,

spk_0 I think sometimes the problem when we are growing up is we look at our parents as the enemy,

spk_0 sometimes as you should, but a lot of times we think they're judging, they're judging,

spk_0 they're judging and really the judgment and the comments. Sometimes I'm not saying all the time

spk_0 because your parents could be bigger dicks, but sometimes it's really because they're just like

spk_0 trying to understand because they don't feel a part of your life anymore. Your parents feel like

spk_0 I don't even know her anymore and she died her hair and she's doing this. We don't even know our

spk_0 baby girl anymore and you have to have a little bit of empathy in that capacity to just meet them

spk_0 where you want to be met and be like, guys, I want to have an open conversation. I realize there's

spk_0 been so much changing in my life and I understand it's different than how you guys raised me and I love

spk_0 so many things about you guys and my childhood, but as I have continued to grow into an individual,

spk_0 there's a lot of things that I love for myself that I know are different than what you guys love and

spk_0 I want you guys to accept me for who I am. It doesn't mean I don't love you any less, but

spk_0 I'm also open if you want to ask questions of like who I am because can I be honest, it has nothing

spk_0 to do with Gerard or whoever your boyfriend is. You're like, it has nothing to do with Gerard,

spk_0 it has everything to do with me. It's a little bit of a dig, but I think you need to say this because

spk_0 they need to have more respect for you. I think you need to say something along the lines of like,

spk_0 I hope you guys know me well enough to know that I am an independent thinker. I'm an individual.

spk_0 I know who I am and I'm not going to change for a guy. All these changes are because I've wanted

spk_0 them. I have autonomy over my own life. I have autonomy over my own decisions. Yes, he's one of the

spk_0 decisions I'm making, but it's at my own delitio. I'm doing it. He is not like, he's not forcing me to

spk_0 do anything you guys. You raised me in the capacity that like, I do, I am able to make my own decisions

spk_0 and how amazing that I have a vision for who I want to become and what I like and what I don't like

spk_0 and I think if your parents can't meet you there and again, be slightly open to them being like,

spk_0 but what about what what about and you can try to ease in, but I do think at some point you

spk_0 just have to be like, I get this is going to be difficult in I'm changing from who I was when

spk_0 I was younger, but I want to have open communication, but I also need a lack of judgment moving forward.

spk_0 And hopefully they can meet you there. It's so hard though when you become an adult and you become

spk_0 an adult emphasis and then your parents are also adults and you're all like, oh my god, and it's

spk_0 like the spider man thing, we're like, when did this happen? We're like, you're an adult, now I'm an

spk_0 adult and now you have to treat me like an adult, but you're still treating me like a kid and like,

spk_0 why are you treating me like a kid? Like, I'm allowed to die my hair without fucking calling mommy.

spk_0 And I think parents have a really hard time with that sometimes and it's losing the control

spk_0 that really, really is disorienting for them and now it's being projected onto you, but it's not

spk_0 really your problem. So I think one loving conversation you can ease in maybe, you know,

spk_0 when you go to family dinners with them, try to include them in the conversations and give more

spk_0 context of why you're doing certain things, but there's only so much you can do with parents at

spk_0 that age. They're gonna kind of have to get up to speed and keep up. It's fucking hard.

spk_0 Oh my god, another relationship of eight years. Here we go. Okay, hi daddy. My boyfriend and I have

spk_0 been together for eight years. We recently finished school and we started and we're starting our

spk_0 careers. I'm in no rush to get married or have kids. As I feel like my life is just beginning,

spk_0 my boyfriend has a daughter and she is 10. He's a great dad and his days consist of sports and

spk_0 school activities, but lately it feels like we are on two completely different phases. He doesn't

spk_0 plan anything unless it has to do with his daughter. So most of our time together is on his terms.

spk_0 We have disagreements due to me not wanting to be a parent yet and I constantly feel like I'm

spk_0 making sacrifices for this relationship. The problem has snowballed to the point where he thinks

spk_0 I hate his daughter. Oh god, but in reality, I love her help. I am confused on how I should continue

spk_0 this relationship or should I be with someone in the same phase of life as me. Okay, I mean,

spk_0 I just want to put it out there that like I have never dated someone who has a child. So I'm

spk_0 just speaking from what I think I would do and give advice in this situation, but I do want to

spk_0 just clarify, like I don't have experience with this. The first thing I would just say to you is

spk_0 which I think you kind of have this answer, but you need to kind of dig a little deeper before

spk_0 you make your full, full decision is, are you ready to be a stepmom? Because this is one of, if not

spk_0 the most important part of this person's life and his daughter is, yeah, his daughter is his

spk_0 priority. And at that age, there's sports and there's, you know, they'll start to have crushes

spk_0 and there's school dances and there's activities and there's all the things and that is a very

spk_0 all-consuming time, I think, to have a child and you have to decide if you're ready to

spk_0 integrate that part into your life and a capacity that also is somewhat of a priority because

spk_0 the problem is this. I think you can meet people at different life stages and fall in love and have

spk_0 a successful relationship, but if you are kind of like adverse to a life stage that they're at and

spk_0 it's actually kind of really what you don't want, you really don't want kids right now, you want

spk_0 to be selfish, you want to go for your career, all these things, that is actually conflicting

spk_0 with what he is trying to do. And so I think resentment unfortunately is potentially going to build

spk_0 on both ends. He wants, he's even getting the point where he thinks you hate his daughter, you're like,

spk_0 I actually love this young girl, but she's not my kid and I feel still like a kid. I still have

spk_0 things I want to do. I'm not ready to be there. My worry for you is that it will get nasty in a way

spk_0 that you'll start to feel kind of heavy and bad about yourself because somehow this is becoming

spk_0 about you hating this young girl who you love, but you're like, I'm just not ready to be a mom.

spk_0 Like that's obviously it's not my kid. I love her, but like I didn't choose to have a child yet,

spk_0 so I'm not there, right? And he's like, but I am there and I'm a father and I take this very

spk_0 seriously. And so I think that you have to be honest with yourself that I personally believe,

spk_0 and again, you guys can tell me if I'm wrong, I believe you can't, you can't just be fully in

spk_0 this person's life expecting to be his priority when one of his biggest priorities is also not one

spk_0 of your priorities because then that's going to be like, we have to go on date nights and her not

spk_0 be involved, but what if she's sick? What if he needs to stay home with her? What if at the last

spk_0 minute, he needs to be the person that's having the after-socker practice house party? You know what I

spk_0 mean? Like there's so much that is going to dictate his life through having a child whom he loves

spk_0 and he's loving that part of his life that unfortunately, I think this is pulling you both in two

spk_0 different directions. I think at the end of the day, do some soul searching. It feels like even what

spk_0 you wrote here, you kind of have your answer. And then I think you need to have an honest conversation

spk_0 with him about like also just have some closure for yourself of like, I really love you. I love your

spk_0 daughter. I'm not ready for that next phase of life. I feel like I'm at a different place in my

spk_0 life where I'm not ready for the soccer practice and the you know, kids functions and I'm just not

spk_0 there. And I also want you to know I don't blame you for being there. That's your life that's your

spk_0 reality and I'm just not there yet. And I don't want to pull you away from a huge part in your life.

spk_0 And I also don't want to get to the point where I resent you for feeling like I'm having to

spk_0 develop this part of my life that I don't want and I'm not ready for. And maybe you can just,

spk_0 you know, take a break, go on pause or who knows? Maybe one day you'll be ready and you'll go

spk_0 back to each other. But right now, I think the bottom line is sometimes when you're in such

spk_0 different lifeplaces, you love isn't enough. And you can't keep trying to force it because you're

spk_0 going to start feeling like just pure shit about yourself and you're going to either get resentful

spk_0 or you're going to start compromising to the capacity that you lose yourself and you lose your dreams

spk_0 and you lose your wants and hopes and all the things because you're going to live someone else's

spk_0 happiness and their dreams and their wants. And that is not healthy.

spk_0 Okay, next. My boyfriend is having issues with his appearance and gaining weight.

spk_0 I've been trying to support him, but when I do, he makes up excuses. For example, I tell him we can

spk_0 go for a run or a workout and he says he's too tired or we'll do it tomorrow. I try to give him

spk_0 space, but if I don't mention a workout, he ends up not doing anything at all. He also eats really,

spk_0 really bad unless I'm there to cook us a healthy meal. I don't know what to do. Is it even my

spk_0 place to help? Is this a deal breaker? Okay, my first note for you, which we can get to him because I

spk_0 have empathy obviously in all the things that come to like health and exercise and people being

spk_0 at their own pace and struggling. But for you, who is the partner in this dynamic, my advice is like

spk_0 it kind of goes back to the beginning of this episode of Stop Mothering Your Partner. You're in a

spk_0 situation where you're trying so fucking hard to just get this guy to take care of himself and

spk_0 get healthy. And you are like, if I don't do it, he's not going to do it. So I'm trying to get him

spk_0 up. And I think it's you clearly grasping on to the relationship for dear life being like,

spk_0 I can't watch this anymore. I can't watch you self-destruct. I can't watch you be unhealthy.

spk_0 I'm also it's not as attractive now because you can't take care of yourself. And I'm starting to

spk_0 feel like, what are we doing? We're on two different paths. I want to be healthy. And I want to do all

spk_0 these things. And you're just here. And if I don't help you, then it just stays there. That's a lot

spk_0 to put on yourself. If someone doesn't have the internal motivation to change and to better

spk_0 themself, you're not going to be able to do it. And if you do, they're going to resent you.

spk_0 They're going to look at you like they're your their mother. And you're the minute you pull away.

spk_0 And like, okay, they're going to do on their own. It's just going to fall back. It's like, you've

spk_0 got to let him figure it out for himself. And I get it. I so get it. You're trying to be supportive.

spk_0 And you think that, you know, doing it with him or trying to get him, it's going to make it

spk_0 better. But I'm sure he's also like, I sometimes I'm happy when she goes out for a girlfriend or

spk_0 so I don't have to hear her nagging me to get off the couch. Like, I'm so exhausted of her trying

spk_0 to force me to do something that he clearly is either really, really, really struggling with

spk_0 or doesn't want to do. I think something you could have a conversation about number one is

spk_0 sometimes a lot of this has to do with mental health, right? I think there's a lot of times where

spk_0 people can get into these really big slums. I'm not saying he's depressed, but, you know, having

spk_0 a conversation of checking in one just mental health wise, like, how are you doing? Because I'm

spk_0 assuming he's not feeling great about himself, right? He's aware the partner he's in love with

spk_0 is nagging him every day and sorry, I'm saying nagging, but it's probably it sounds like nagging

spk_0 to him, but it sounds like trying to be positive from your perspective. But like, he probably feels

spk_0 like fucking shit. And maybe something's going on. So my first note would be ask him how he's doing.

spk_0 You know, I know this and acknowledge it. I know this has been a struggle. I know that I may also be

spk_0 being annoying that I'm trying to get you back. It's just because I love you and I want you to be the

spk_0 best version of yourself and I want you to feel good. And I I also want you to be healthy so that I'm

spk_0 you know, able to have a partner that's capable and taking care of themselves. And I can see how I

spk_0 could be coming off as being, you know, nagging you. And I want to check in like, how are you?

spk_0 Are you okay? What's going on? And just listen to him. Don't interrupt. Don't try to

spk_0 reframe the narrative. Listen to what he's saying. Maybe he's super stressed about finances.

spk_0 Maybe he's stressed about his job. Maybe he's going through something mentally. Maybe there he needs,

spk_0 you know, medication or maybe he needs to switch jobs or he has a family issue or he just

spk_0 something, right? Maybe something is fucking going on, but you're not going to know it. If it's

spk_0 masked by he's eating like shit and he's sitting on the couch. One, there could be a very, very big

spk_0 reason for that or two. Now the other option is that's just who he is, right? Has he always been

spk_0 this way? And maybe in the beginning stages, you were just so madly in love that you kind of like

spk_0 didn't notice it. But now you're kind of starting to really look at your future with this person.

spk_0 And it's a big thing. You start to like, I mean, I'm literally like in my 30s, but I'm like,

spk_0 it is a big thing. You're like, I want to be with someone that takes care of themselves. And I'll be

spk_0 honest in my 20s. I didn't really give a shit. Like if I was dating a guy that was a club rat or

spk_0 whatever, I'd be like, woo, this is fun. And now I'm like, it's really attractive to me that every

spk_0 single day Matt is getting up and he's working out. It's not like he's every day lifting and

spk_0 bulking and going crazy, but he had told me he was like, I have made a commitment to myself that

spk_0 I'm going to move my body every single day. And I think Matt's inspired by his grandmother is

spk_0 101 years old. This Christmas, she'll be 102. And she walked for miles and miles every day, right? And

spk_0 that has this internal motivation within himself that motivates me. I'll be honest. I'm the one

spk_0 that's a little bit like, I'm going to sit on the couch and I'm not going to do anything. And he's

spk_0 like, come on babe, like, get up. And if I say no, he doesn't pressure me. But it's motivating to

spk_0 have a partner that is wanting to take care of themselves. But I could see where it could get to

spk_0 a place where you're like, fuck you. Matt never is pressuring me. Matt knows I want to do things

spk_0 on my own time. He likes to wake up super like Matt's in the fucking gym at like 5 a.m. I'm like, what

spk_0 the fuck are you doing? You psycho path. I'll go at like 7 7 30. No, thank you for a 5 30 date

spk_0 next to the fucking elliptical. Like not interested. So, but it is attractive to have someone that is

spk_0 really health conscious, not to a point where you're like, okay, like eat a fucking chip. Like you're

spk_0 only eating fucking kale, like calm down again to each their own. But you have to find what works in

spk_0 your dynamic, right? And so I think you're clearly getting extremely unattracted to the way this

spk_0 person is living and it's flowing into a capacity that you need something to change. And maybe you

spk_0 think he needs to change, but maybe he doesn't want to. But you got to have an open conversation about

spk_0 it and see where he's at. But I feel like a lot of times when you do have those type of conversations,

spk_0 when it does relate to this like health stuff, a lot of times it's it's mental. He's going through

spk_0 something and you're not going to be able to get pull him out of it, but you can be there to support

spk_0 him through it. And that is a huge difference. Next one. Hi, daddy. This summer, my fiance and I

spk_0 found out that we were expecting a baby. We're so thrilled. But my pregnancy has been really hard.

spk_0 I've been so sick that at times I've struggled to care for myself. My fiance has been a great

spk_0 partner to me, making dinner every night, keeping our home clean all on top of working six days a

spk_0 week. I am becoming codependent on him. Every time he leaves for work, I have such intense

spk_0 anxiety and I don't feel better until he returns home. It's gotten to the point where I dread

spk_0 going to bed at night because I know that in the morning, he's leaving for the day. I know this

spk_0 isn't healthy and I don't want to and I want to feel independent again. I feel crazy, though. Please

spk_0 help. How can I get out of this code dependency? Okay. Number one, I have not been pregnant before.

spk_0 So again, I'm kind of I'm going off with what my friends have shared with me. This is very normal.

spk_0 This is something that unfortunately I don't think that many women publicly speak about because

spk_0 for fear of shame, for fear of like, what do you mean? Matherhead, so if I can be beautiful,

spk_0 everything should be fucking perfect. It's not. Your body is going through one of the

spk_0 no, not one of the the biggest change it will ever go through in your life. You are carrying a

spk_0 physical human being inside of you. You are growing a new human being inside of you. Your hormones

spk_0 are all over the place. Your body is changing. Your identity is shifting. You are no longer just you.

spk_0 You are a soon to be mother. You are a pregnant woman. You're going through so much and your husband

spk_0 gets to get up every day. Wave goodbye and walk out the fucking door and when he shows up to work,

spk_0 no one knows he's pregnant because he's not, but no one knows. They don't need to know he's

spk_0 dealing with, you know, he doesn't have hormone things going on. They don't even, maybe they don't

spk_0 even know he has a wife who's pregnant. He gets to be the same fucking Joe Schmell that he was

spk_0 the day before you got pregnant and then the day you got pregnant. His life doesn't fucking change.

spk_0 So he is steady, Eddie. He is understandably the one that you probably feel like you can rely on

spk_0 because nothing has changed in his fucking life except for supporting you who everything is

spk_0 changing for you. So give yourself grace that it is okay that you are feeling like you are,

spk_0 you're losing your mind a little bit. I had lunch with a friend of mine who has a new child

spk_0 and she opened up to me and was like, Alex, not putting pressure on you, but whenever you get pregnant,

spk_0 if you can get pregnant, of course, you know, knock on wood. I hope you share a little bit of this

spk_0 because there's no one out there that's really talking about the really kind of shitty shit

spk_0 that mentally you go through. And again, everyone's situation is so different. There's people that

spk_0 experience just pure bliss, which I have a hard time believing everything goes well, right? And

spk_0 there's people that, you know, there's postpartum, there's all these things. But the point is is we don't

spk_0 give women enough grace during pregnancy and also if anything, even more after pregnancy.

spk_0 Once you pop out the baby, everyone's like, okay, you're fine, right? You're fine. You're like,

spk_0 hold on. So giving you grace here, no, you should not feel guilty that you have gotten yourself

spk_0 into a position where you feel like you're leaning into codependency. So my advice for you would be

spk_0 number one, talk to your partner. This whole episode, talk to your partner. That's literally

spk_0 the whole point of this whole episode is talk to your fucking partner. No, talk to your partner,

spk_0 sit him down. Be so fucking vulnerable and open, babe. First, I wanted to say, thank you. I

spk_0 literally couldn't do this without you. You every single day have amazed me by how you are able

spk_0 to help me be there for me, juggle all the things at home for me. And then you're going to work.

spk_0 I love you. I respect you. I see you. Thank you. I need to be honest. I think I'm kind of

spk_0 losing it a little because I've let you do these things. And a lot of the moments I've needed you

spk_0 to do them. But now I'm losing myself a little bit. And I think I need to take some things back.

spk_0 Right. I need to, and I want you to like hear me and work with me here because I don't want to

spk_0 feel like I'm doing it alone. Like, what do you think? What should I take back and like,

spk_0 let's talk about it? Maybe I could take back, you know, maybe I go grocery shopping or maybe I'm

spk_0 going to do the dishes or maybe I'm going to whatever it be. And have him aware, though,

spk_0 not be like, you're just taking it back. So then he's like, oh, maybe she's feeling great.

spk_0 And then he adds more to your plate. Share with him. This is a struggle. I'm going through it.

spk_0 I need you to support me. I'm thinking I can take on more. I may not be able to. And then I think

spk_0 if you are capable therapy, I think no matter what and no matter as much as our husbands can be

spk_0 there for us during pregnancy. Again, I've never been pregnant from what I gather from all my friends

spk_0 who have gone through this. They don't, they will never understand. They will never understand. And

spk_0 you need to also build yourself up individually. And that I think will help with the co-dependent

spk_0 stuff where it's like, you need to get to a place where you're talking to someone. Maybe twice

spk_0 a week, once a week, you look forward to talking to them. You're maybe you're journaling and you're

spk_0 doing something for yourself that doesn't have to do with the baby. You're talking about you.

spk_0 How are we going to get you back on track? And I think sometimes, understandably, like I said

spk_0 earlier, as women, we literally put ourselves last. Take care of husband. Take care of it. And although

spk_0 he's doing all the things, you're feeling like you are incapable. Let's get back to making you feel

spk_0 capable because guess what? In X amount of months, you are about to do the fucking most impressive,

spk_0 fucking thing. And you are going to give birth to a human being. You are incredible. Do not forget

spk_0 that. Don't lose that part of yourself. You are capable and you've got this. But open up to your

spk_0 partner and share with him how you've been feeling kind of shitty. And I'm sure he's going to step

spk_0 up for you. He seems like a fucking amazing guy. AKA ladies. Oh, this is a nice little fucking wrap up.

spk_0 Think about what we were just talking about. Think about that. With that woman just is writing in

spk_0 being like, I'm struggling. My partner showing up for me. Anyone that has a little bitch boy that

spk_0 you've been mothering. Imagine if you want to have kids. Imagine if you want to have kids. Think

spk_0 about how hell it will be if you are with and marry a man that you have mothered. And then you need

spk_0 a little bit of fucking help when you're pregnant or you have kids and you just literally have another

spk_0 fucking kid sitting next to you and you're alone. Set yourself up for success in the partner that

spk_0 you're choosing. And I was thinking about doing a full episode on how to know you have the right

spk_0 partner and what to look for in a partner because there's a difference between a partner. And there's

spk_0 a difference between a husband who is going to potentially be the father to children. Like there's

spk_0 a lot that goes into play of your personal. Obviously what you want in your life. Maybe some people

spk_0 don't want kids. Maybe some people do want kids. Finding a partner in your life is such a big fucking

spk_0 step and it is probably one of the most important decisions you ever make in your life. And so

spk_0 choosing that person. It should not be a rush. It should not be overlooked. And if there are already

spk_0 things that you are sitting in the dating phase with this person that you were like, I cannot

spk_0 fucking stand you or oh my god, I have a pit in my stomach or oh, he just doesn't make me feel good.

spk_0 Like my mother always said shout out, Laurie. Anything that bothers you before you get married is

spk_0 only going to get 10 times worse once you marry this person. And especially once you have kids.

spk_0 If you think a marriage or a kid is going to put a bandaid or fix something, it is going to make

spk_0 hit worse. So choose the right fucking partner, daddy gang. No pressure. But yeah, I can do a

spk_0 whole episode on that. I love you guys so much. And thanks for hanging out with me today. I love you.

spk_0 Oh, by the way, our blackberry assayee is now without a doubt my favorite flavor for

spk_0 unwel hydration. And if you want to get this flavor, it is on Amazon. You can Amazon Prime. It's

spk_0 fucking delicious. I put vodka with it. There's no vodka in here. I mix it with vodka every single

spk_0 morning. No, I put vodka on the weekends into a little cup with this as my chaser and it's

spk_0 fucking delicious. So if you don't drink or you just want something with electrolytes and hydration,

spk_0 this is my new favorite flavor. So go to Amazon and Amazon yourself some because yummy, yummy.

spk_0 Okay, I love you guys so much. I'm trying to think is there anything else that we need to do?

spk_0 No, there's nothing except go break up with your not-chit boyfriends if you are mothering them.

spk_0 Love you. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Bye.

Stop Mothering Your Partner

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