Episode 438: Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasies?

Interactive Transcript

spk_0 You're listening to The Sex and Psychology Podcast. The sex ed you never got in school

spk_0 and won't get anywhere else. I am your host, Dr. Justin Laymiller. I am a social psychologist

spk_0 and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of the book Tell Me What You Want,

spk_0 the Science of Sexual Desire, and how I can help you improve your sex life.

spk_0 When I started researching sexual fantasies for my book, Tell Me What You Want, one of the

spk_0 things I wanted to explore was what happens when fantasies move beyond being a solitary

spk_0 experience. Almost every study on fantasies that had been conducted up to that point looked

spk_0 at fantasies as this thing that we only do in private. But what happens when we decide

spk_0 to share or maybe even act on our fantasies? In today's show, we're going to look at

spk_0 what the data say. Some of the topics we'll explore include how many people have ever shared

spk_0 their fantasies with a partner before, the five most common reasons that people decide

spk_0 to share their fantasies. The factors that motivate some people to keep their fantasy secret,

spk_0 as well as how partners usually react when fantasies are shared. So let's talk about fantasies.

spk_0 I am joined by Matthew Kimberley, a lecturer in psychology at Birmingham City University.

spk_0 He researches sexual fantasies and also leads the gender, sexuality, and intimate relationships

spk_0 research lab. This is going to be a fascinating conversation. Stick around and we're going

spk_0 to jump in right after the break. For nearly 80 years, the Kinsey Institute has been the

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spk_0 Hi, Matt, and welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure to speak with you,

spk_0 and we're going to be talking about one of my favorite topics today, which is sexual fantasies,

spk_0 and specifically what happens when people share them with the partner. But before we get into that,

spk_0 let me first ask what got you interested in researching the topic of sexual fantasies in the first place?

spk_0 Yeah, absolutely. So I was finishing my undergrad degree, and it was around the time that your

spk_0 book came out, and there was one statistic in particular that really shut out to me. It was

spk_0 most people wanted to try their van to see. I want to see eight out of ten people,

spk_0 but only a third reported actually having done so. And then that got me thinking, well, is this

spk_0 the case that they're sharing this fantasy of a partner, and their partner is then responding

spk_0 negatively, or they're not interested, and that's leading to not trying out the fantasy. It's

spk_0 it that they're just not sharing the fantasy. So then I started having a look at the literature

spk_0 around sexual fantasies, the closure, and how likely is it for someone to share a fantasy,

spk_0 what predicts whether someone shares or doesn't share. And actually there wasn't much out there.

spk_0 I think there were two papers if that. So that kind of maybe think, was this huge gap in actually

spk_0 sexual communication research? It has focused on lots of different topics, but sexual fantasy,

spk_0 disclosure seems to have been kind of missed somehow, or it's been kind of placed within

spk_0 this wider category of social communication. But actually the risks and the rewards are very

spk_0 different. So if you're sharing previous relationship experiences, actually that's going to have

spk_0 very different rewards to sharing a fantasy of a reason, for example. Yeah, makes total sense to me.

spk_0 And you know, when I got into the area of studying sexual fantasies, you know, I noticed the same

spk_0 thing, which was that almost all of the data that's out there is about fantasies as a solitary

spk_0 experience, you know, something that you just think about in your head and that maybe you focus

spk_0 on while you're masturbating or having sex. And very little about, you know, what happens when

spk_0 fantasy enters real life? Like what happens when we actually share a fantasy with a partner or

spk_0 decide to act on it? And so, so little research and data out there on it. So that got me into,

spk_0 you know, wanting to ask about that. And I'm glad you followed up on it because like you said,

spk_0 there's very little data on this. So it's good to have it explored in greater depth and nuance.

spk_0 So you recently published a study in the Journal of Sex Research on this topic of fantasy disclosure.

spk_0 But before we get to the findings, can you just tell us a little bit about who you surveyed and

spk_0 what kinds of questions you asked people? Absolutely. So it was predominantly an open-ended survey that

spk_0 we distributed through Reddit, through the Sex and Psychology website, through other forms

spk_0 of social media. And then it was open to students at the University of Staffordshire where I did

spk_0 my PhD. So it's quite a diverse sample rating from 18 to, I think, 83, 84 and relatively diverse in

spk_0 terms of sexuality and gender. Initially participants were asked to, they were provided with a

spk_0 definition of sexual fantasies and asked to think of one specific fantasy. And we left that quite

spk_0 broad deliberately because we wanted some to imagine a fantasy that disclosed some fantasy that

spk_0 hadn't disclosed them to vary in terms of whether it was a recent or a prominent fantasy.

spk_0 And then we asked them to describe either their reasons for disclosing or not disclosing the fantasy.

spk_0 And then again, if they disclosed whether this was a positive or a negative experience,

spk_0 so kind of what the experience looked like. And then if they hadn't disclosed what they felt it

spk_0 would look like if they were to ask their partner. And then we asked them to kind of follow up

spk_0 like at scale questions where participants rated the positivity of their anticipated partner

spk_0 response or their actual partner response. And the kind of likelihood of disclosing in the future.

spk_0 So how many people said that they had ever shared a fantasy with a partner before? And did that

spk_0 number surprise you or was it kind of what you expected? So for this study, we didn't ask about

spk_0 whether they had previously disclosed or not disclosed. Just under 80% of participants were

spk_0 answering the survey based on a fantasy that they had previously shared with a partner.

spk_0 Though in a follow-up study, 92% of participants indicated that they disclosed the sexual

spk_0 fantasy in the future at some point, which I guess considering the diversity in fantasy content,

spk_0 the some participants that could just be something quite mild like kissing their partner in a new

spk_0 location. And that can kind of vary dramatically across the relationship between people.

spk_0 But within that same survey, over half of 55% of participants also indicated having an

spk_0 undisclosed fantasy. We have this idea generally with communication that people either

spk_0 struggle or they're very capable of communicating and it's actually, it can be very dependent on

spk_0 the content of actually what they're disclosing. So some fantasies are very easy to disclose.

spk_0 The anticipated threat and the anticipated negative response from partners is seen as kind of

spk_0 very unlikely, whereas for others, when deciding whether to disclose or not disclose,

spk_0 actually the risks of doing so may outweigh the potential reward of being able to enact that

spk_0 fantasy. And for some participants as well, within the published study, they also kind of indicated

spk_0 that actually part of their reason for not disclosing was because they didn't want to try out the

spk_0 fancy. So they weren't intending to enact it and actually doing so would be a negative experience.

spk_0 Yeah. So most people don't have just one fantasy, right? And when it comes to sharing fantasies,

spk_0 we might choose to share some of them, but not others. And as you just explained, it's this

spk_0 complex and highly nuanced thing. Maybe there are reasons why we would share one type of fantasy,

spk_0 but not another. And we'll get into some of those reasons in a little bit. But what you find is

spk_0 there are really five main reasons that people report for either sharing or not sharing their fantasy

spk_0 with a partner. So let's kind of walk through them one by one. And we'll start with the most common

spk_0 reason that people reported for sharing a fantasy, which was sexual gratification. And I think that's

spk_0 probably not super surprising. So what kinds of things were people hoping would happen to their

spk_0 sex life if they shared their fantasy with a partner? So the most common was that they'd be able to

spk_0 act out the fantasy that their partner would kind of agree and they would go about trying it.

spk_0 For some participants who kind of were categorized within that category, the actual process of

spk_0 disclosing was also arousing. So actually, whether they enacted the fantasy or not, it might be that

spk_0 they mentioned it during sex or prior to sex and actually just sharing that fantasy in general

spk_0 was arousing. Or it might be to learn more about their partner, about the partner's likes and

spk_0 dislikes, which kind of aligns very well with kind of historical sexual communication research

spk_0 like buyers and demos 1999 who kind of looked at how sexual communication can predict sexual

spk_0 satisfaction. And that kind of extrinsic and intrinsic roots to doing so. It kind of links very

spk_0 nicely through that development of that mutual sexual script within the relationship. But then

spk_0 conversely within the same category, participants also indicated it's not something that they actually

spk_0 wanted to act out or it wouldn't be a positive experience or it just wasn't possible. So their

spk_0 fantasy wasn't something that they were physically able to act out. Yeah. So when people perceive

spk_0 their fantasy as a desire, right? So when it's something they really want to do, it's a wish or

spk_0 want for their sex life, then they might share with their partner precisely because they hope that

spk_0 it's going to become a reality. But as he just mentioned, sharing fantasies in and of themselves

spk_0 can also be this form of dirty talk. And sometimes there's no desire to actually do it, but just

spk_0 talking about the fantasy can be a turn on in and of itself. But also by the same token, like you said,

spk_0 some people have no desire to ever act out that fantasy. And also that can be a reason why they

spk_0 don't share it because they just don't want it to become part of their sex life. And also because

spk_0 sometimes when we share a fantasy, even if it's something we don't want to do, we might still

spk_0 expect that our partner is going to assume that we want to do that, right? And so I think I recall

spk_0 reading in some of your work that people sometimes said that, well, I don't want to share this because

spk_0 I don't want my partner to feel pressured to do this. And also I don't really even want to do it

spk_0 anyway, right? So sometimes people feel like it's better to keep it secret because it's just not

spk_0 something that they want to come across as a potential source of conflict in the relationship.

spk_0 So beyond sexual fulfillment, another reason for fantasy disclosure or lack thereof

spk_0 was that it was motivated by the relationship itself. So talk to us a little bit about that. What are

spk_0 some of the relationships specific factors that make people more or less likely to share their

spk_0 fantasies? Yeah, absolutely. So the reasons for disclosing a fantasy are kind of relatively

spk_0 what you'd expect. And it kind of aligns with a lot of the sexual communications, sexual

spk_0 self-disclosure research, so kind of wanting to disclose because generally you trust your partner

spk_0 and you trust that they'll respond in a positive manner or that you love them and you kind of

spk_0 have this idea that they'll respond very positively. Some participants also reported

spk_0 sharing their fantasy because they were in longer relationships and they felt that

spk_0 their partner was more entitled to know based on that kind of longevity of the relationship.

spk_0 But then conversely to this, there was this kind of idea that actually within some relationships

spk_0 disclosing held this kind of threat. So if you tell your partner something and actually

spk_0 they don't want to try it, they see it quite negatively, it's taboo or it's extreme.

spk_0 Actually, they may respond very negatively, could cause an argument and that might then potentially

spk_0 bring about the end of the relationship or it could kind of threaten the relationship's

spk_0 security. Very similarly, participants who were in newer relationships were also unlikely to

spk_0 share their fantasies. They kind of reported that the trust or the love hadn't established yet

spk_0 and that kind of led them to not feel secure in sharing those fantasies with their partner.

spk_0 It makes total sense and it's consistent with what I've found in my own research where I found

spk_0 people who are in more satisfying and healthier relationships to begin with,

spk_0 tend to be more inclined to share their fantasies with the partner. It makes sense that if you're

spk_0 in an atmosphere where there's more trust and intimacy and security and stability,

spk_0 that that increases the odds that you're going to want to be vulnerable and share a fantasy.

spk_0 And by the same token, by the process of sharing fantasies and engaging in self-disclosure,

spk_0 that can go back and further increase your satisfaction and comfort and happiness in the

spk_0 relationship. So totally makes sense that characteristics of the relationship are going to predict

spk_0 whether or not people share their fantasies. And this is also why when I give my workshops and

spk_0 lectures on fantasies, I say that before you get to sharing fantasies, it's usually a good idea to

spk_0 work on the relationship first and work on your communication patterns because if you don't have

spk_0 the trust and intimacy and solid communication in the first place, it's probably not going to go

spk_0 super well when it comes to something like sharing sexual fantasies. So usually work on the

spk_0 relationship first before you get to the point of sharing fantasies. Don't just share fantasies as a

spk_0 way of trying to save a failing relationship because there are lots of cases for that might not work out

spk_0 so well. So another factor that influences whether people share their fantasies are the

spk_0 communication patterns in their relationship. So how does the general communication dynamic between

spk_0 partners influence whether they choose to share their fantasies or not? Yeah, absolutely. So the most

spk_0 commonly reported reason within this category was that participants are disclosed because they

spk_0 had this kind of well established open communication style. So it's kind of been developed very

spk_0 similar to what you were saying a second ago. It's been developed over time. They'd worked on

spk_0 relationship and that kind of led them to feel comfortable sharing information and over time

spk_0 this became further and further in depth and eventually kind of led to the discussion of

spk_0 sexual fantasies and being able to kind of freely share these partners. And it also kind of then

spk_0 led to disclosing with the intent of a partner then sharing their own fantasies or partners

spk_0 sharing with the intent that you then share your own with them. So it's kind of this reciprocal

spk_0 process where both partners work together to develop a relationship and increase how many topics

spk_0 to be able to share with one another. And we can kind of see in flip side where this hasn't worked

spk_0 out so where previous disclosures have been negative partners responding to the judgmental or a

spk_0 critical way. Actually, this was then cited as a reason for not sharing with their partner.

spk_0 And the flip side as well, I think very inherently with the topic of sexuality and sexual behavior

spk_0 a lot of people experience embarrassment or discomfort talking about sex which has been kind

spk_0 of ingratiated through society for thousands of years. And it's inherent especially within

spk_0 newer relationships or people who are just less comfortable talking about sex can be a difficult

spk_0 topic to talk about. Yeah, so when it comes to how your partner responds the first time you share

spk_0 a fantasy like that is really important. If your partner responds in a way that is judgmental

spk_0 or shaming, that's probably going to shut off any future possibility if you're sharing more fantasies.

spk_0 Right? And so I often talk about this in my lectures and workshops about fantasies is that

spk_0 when a partner shares a fantasy with you, the first thing that you should do is to thank them for

spk_0 sharing that. Because I think sharing fantasies is something that can be really hard for a lot of

spk_0 people. And oftentimes like when they're sharing a fantasy with you, you might be the very first

spk_0 person they've ever told about this in their entire life. And so if you respond in that way with

spk_0 kindness as opposed to judgment and shaming, that's going to make your partner feel safer and increase

spk_0 the odds that you can talk further about other issues related to your sex life. But when you start

spk_0 with the shaming and blaming and judging and all that kind of stuff, it does not tend to go well.

spk_0 So yeah, again, it goes back to having the good general communication patterns and responding

spk_0 with positivity as opposed to judgment when you're having sexual discussions with a partner.

spk_0 So we also asked participants how their partner responded and of those who disclosed a fantasy,

spk_0 the majority of 80% indicated it was a positive experience. And even where that experience wasn't

spk_0 enacting the fantasy and kind of trying it out, it was very much like you were saying of the partner

spk_0 kind of being open, talking about it, and then the partner not acting in a judgment or shaming way,

spk_0 but also expressing that's great. It's not something that I'm interested in trying, but thank you

spk_0 for sharing. So it's very similar to what you were saying about having that positive response,

spk_0 even if it isn't an actement. Yeah, it makes total sense, right? And it's consistent with what I see

spk_0 in my research too, which is that when it comes to sharing fantasies, the vast majority of people

spk_0 are reporting positive experiences with this and that it improved their relationship. And

spk_0 if they did further go the actual step of acting on the fantasy, generally that was a good experience

spk_0 too, and something that that strengthened the relationship and brought sexual fulfillment. So

spk_0 you know, there can be lots of benefits when it comes to sharing fantasies, but you know, in terms

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spk_0 I'm circling back to the other factors that predict fantasy disclosure. Tell us a little bit

spk_0 about how the traits of your partner might influence whether you decide to share a fantasy.

spk_0 Absolutely. So kind of very similar. So this was cited less frequently as a reason for just

spk_0 closing but where it was it was that they described their partner as very open, very supportive

spk_0 and that then led them to feel comfortable. The biggest reasons within this category were that

spk_0 their partner had responded very negatively or critically to previous disclosures or that they

spk_0 had expressed very negative attitudes to similar sexual fantasies or similar sexual behavior

spk_0 and that then led them to anticipate this very negative response if they were to share that

spk_0 with their partner. Their partner would behave in a very similar manner.

spk_0 Yeah. So our understanding our knowledge of our partners and how they've responded to

spk_0 discussions about sex in the past or even how they've responded to portrayals of sex in the

spk_0 media and the movies and on TV can give you some kind of clueless indication

spk_0 is how they might respond if you were to share a fantasy about a particular sexual activity.

spk_0 And if your partner has responded in a way that's kind of judgmental about let's say,

spk_0 kink in terms of a portrayal that they saw on the media, then that's probably going to make it

spk_0 less likely that you share a fantasy about kink with your partner. So what we know about our partner

spk_0 often gives us a pretty good clue is to how they're going to respond to the types of fantasies

spk_0 that we might share with them. Now the final reason for disclosure was that it depended on the nature

spk_0 of the fantasy itself. So basically people often made the decision to share or withhold a fantasy

spk_0 based on what the content of that fantasy was. So what kinds of content prompted people to share

spk_0 and what prompted them to keep it secret? So within the category of specific fantasy content

spk_0 whilst it wasn't possible to kind of make really concrete decisions of this is a fantasy that's

spk_0 kind of really commonly shared or not shared with a partner. What we did find is that there were

spk_0 some traits that kind of made it more likely. So the first being whether the described fantasy was

spk_0 really central to someone's sexual identity. So kink for example whilst it can be something

spk_0 that you do occasionally or you just do sexually it can also be something that's very pivotal

spk_0 to your identity. Very similarly if it's linked to kind of sexual orientation. So if your fantasy

spk_0 is related to having sex with someone as the same sex but you're currently in a heterosexual

spk_0 relationship actually that can also be very pivotal to who you are sexually and your sexual identity

spk_0 and not sharing these whether you enact them or not can be attributed to this internal conflict

spk_0 and some participants reported going through this initial stage of almost screening partners.

spk_0 So disclosing very early on to make sure that the partner is on board and shares this fantasy or

spk_0 is at least okay with them having the fantasy isn't going to respond negatively down the line.

spk_0 And very similar where fantasies were experienced for very long periods of time. It kind of led to

spk_0 this kind of imperative to disclose to the long you have the fantasy them more likely you were to disclose

spk_0 eventually. I'd say on the caveat to this if it's a fantasy that you have for currently but actually

spk_0 maybe you don't want to try or you're actively aware that your partner is likely to respond in a

spk_0 very negative way or not approve. You may then not share that fantasy. What we also found is that

spk_0 where fantasies were kind of deemed to be society to leave taboo or extreme or something that

spk_0 their partner was very likely to disapprove or society would disapprove of if it came out.

spk_0 Actually this was seen as a threat to the relationship and then they actively made the decision

spk_0 to conceal the fantasy on the basis of having this relationship protecting effects.

spk_0 That all makes total sense like if the fantasy is something that is really central to who you are

spk_0 is a sexual being it makes perfect sense that people would be more inclined to share that fantasy

spk_0 but by the same token I've also seen lots of cases where people have been in long-term relationships

spk_0 where they have a fantasy let's say about kink or a fetish. It is very central to who they are

spk_0 and how they experience their sexuality and they don't share it with their partner and it doesn't

spk_0 come out until 10 or 20 years into the relationship and then it becomes like this really huge thing

spk_0 right because now it's this secret that you've been keeping for a really long time and so

spk_0 you know when it comes to fantasies that are really central to who you are generally speaking

spk_0 better to discuss those disclose them earlier in the relationship rather than later on because when

spk_0 they become this long-held secret it can become this huge source of conflict intention in the

spk_0 relationship and also you know your findings here are consistent with what I see in my own data too

spk_0 which is that when people don't evaluate the risk to reward ratio very favorably then you know

spk_0 less inclined to share fantasies so you know when the fantasy let's say would carry a lot of risk

spk_0 like let's say it's about opening up the relationship and you're worried that if you did so that that

spk_0 would then lead your partner to leave you for someone else then people tend not to share those kinds

spk_0 of fantasies it's not to say that fantasies about opening up can never work out of course it's just

spk_0 to say that it depends on you and your individual subjective evaluation of you know what are the

spk_0 potential risks what are the potential rewards and what am I worried about in terms of sharing

spk_0 the fantasy and if you see that their risks are just too much for you people tend not to share or

spk_0 disclose those types of fantasies either so we talked a little bit about how you know partners

spk_0 respond and more often than not they respond positively rather than negatively but what about the

spk_0 people who have never shared their fantasy before you ask them how do you think your partner would

spk_0 respond if you were to share this fantasy so what did people think their partner would say if

spk_0 they were to share that fantasy what kind of reaction were they expecting so largely they were

spk_0 more likely to expect a negative reaction from that partner so for those who disclosed only

spk_0 around 8% of participants recorded that a partner had responded in a negative way whereas for those

spk_0 who haven't shared the fantasy of a partner but we're kind of reflecting on how they felt

spk_0 that partner would respond 50% of those who were responding indicated that they felt their partner

spk_0 would respond in a negative way and within these responses the negativity was also greater so for

spk_0 those who disclosed it might be kind of more mild negativity like very blunt or just kind of

spk_0 thanking them before moving on the conversation whereas for those who were reflecting on anticipated

spk_0 fantasies it may be more that they felt their partner would actively discriminate against them

spk_0 or would actively disapprove or mock them or criticize them based on the fantasy content

spk_0 for some they also felt that this would have wider social consequences so their partner might share

spk_0 their fantasy with friends or colleagues or family members or force them into counseling that

spk_0 they didn't feel was necessary or would be helped the relationship and within those who responded

spk_0 in a way that wasn't that they felt their partner would respond in a negative way it was relatively

spk_0 evenly split between those who felt their partner would respond positively so generally they

spk_0 reported that their partner would act out the fantasy or they'd be understanding they just hadn't

spk_0 got around to disclosing yet or it was still an early stage in the relationship or that they felt

spk_0 their partner would respond quite neutrally so they would not share the fantasy not want to act

spk_0 out the fantasy but also wouldn't be open to having that continued communication and we kind of

spk_0 rule it out very quickly so I think there's two kind of really interesting things to the first

spk_0 being this increase in anticipated negativity which is we see very similarly for other forms of

spk_0 communication around kind of high risk or taboo or potentially societally disapproved of topics

spk_0 where people avoid disclosing because they anticipate that their partner's likely to respond

spk_0 in a very negative way it'll have these kind of wider social consequences but then conversely

spk_0 there's also the chance that because we haven't directly asked participants for their

spk_0 the content of their fantasy that low negative anticipate responses could be very realistic so

spk_0 they could be more likely to have this negative response and they've made the active decision based

spk_0 on their evaluation of the risks to the relationship and the risk to themselves based on disclosing

spk_0 like you were saying earlier so I guess it's this kind of consideration of relationship versus

spk_0 individual risks associated with disclosing yeah and I think people's anticipated reaction

spk_0 are very telling of why they haven't shared the fantasy in the first place right the fact that

spk_0 most of them were expecting a negative reaction it's consistent with what I see in my own research too

spk_0 which is that they don't expect their partner who respond favorably so why are they going to share

spk_0 the fantasy and you know set themselves up to be in a situation where they might be judged or

spk_0 shamed by their partner but also it's clear that a lot of people just have a lot of general fear

spk_0 and uncertainty around sharing their fantasies you know they're worried about what happens when this

spk_0 fantasy gets out there like even if they share it with their partner what if their partner tells

spk_0 someone else right and you know I see that in my data as well that people are sometimes worried

spk_0 about well what would happen if my family or friends or just other people that I know find out

spk_0 that I'm into this thing and then how are they going to change how they see me and will I be

spk_0 discriminated against or marginalized for you know having this unconventional sexual interest so

spk_0 there's lots of fear and uncertainty that holds people back from sharing their fantasies as well

spk_0 so what does all of this research tell us in terms of whether sharing fantasy is a good idea or not

spk_0 you know a lot of people ask me should I share my fantasies or not and I think I know what your

spk_0 answer is going to be which is it it depends right because it's a complex highly nuanced topic

spk_0 right and different people are different experiences and different reasons for disclosing but

spk_0 I don't know what do you think if someone were to ask you should I share my fantasies or not what would

spk_0 you say I think I'd almost suggest making like a pros and cons list to doing both because ultimately

spk_0 each person knows the relationship the best so we can go based on the dating we can go based on

spk_0 percentages but actually what this study and the kind of relates to these my PhDs demonstrated

spk_0 is this overarching influence of anticipated relational threats so if disclosing is perceived as

spk_0 likely to threaten the relationship there's a real chance that it might or that it might have a

spk_0 negative response even if it isn't as negative as anticipated so I guess it's kind of almost

spk_0 saying if I were never to share this fantasy of a partner and would never be able to act it out

spk_0 how would I feel what influence would they have this have on me as a person would I still be able

spk_0 to be satisfied without ever acting on this fantasy or sharing it but then also kind of thinking

spk_0 if I share this and it does have this negative response and it goes very badly is that almost a

spk_0 risk that's worth taking that's kind of something that's very prominent that is a very

spk_0 cool to the revelation risk model of communication if you're familiar with it that really highlights

spk_0 almost this kind of decision-making of different levels of threat associated with communication

spk_0 and how that then influences decisions that are made and kind of then also bringing in motivation

spk_0 so actually why is it that the person wants to share the fantasy so is it that it's something that's

spk_0 kind of very central that they can't live without is it just kind of something very fleeting that

spk_0 actually has very little consequence but could hold a lot of risk is it a fantasy that they've had

spk_0 actually is linked to a lot of shame or guilt or they found quite upsetting or distressing and

spk_0 actually they're disclosing because they want to receive support from a partner so I guess it's

spk_0 very nuanced decision taking into account the relationship yeah I think that's a great answer

spk_0 you know that the question of whether you should share your fantasies or not is one that only

spk_0 you can answer because you know yourself and your fantasy and your partner better than anyone else

spk_0 and it starts first with doing that risk reward evaluation you know what's the potential

spk_0 best case scenario here if I share this fantasy and also what's the worst case scenario and you have

spk_0 to balance those two things and see what you feel comfortable with and you know something else to

spk_0 consider is that maybe when it comes to sharing fantasies maybe start by sharing a lower stakes fantasy

spk_0 first and see how that goes you know so something maybe that's more at the vanilla end of the spectrum

spk_0 as opposed to sharing your wildest or kinky-est or most extreme fantasy right off the bat right so

spk_0 there are all different kinds of ways that people can approach this but I think it really starts with

spk_0 those questions you ask yourself first of how important is this fantasy to me how central is this

spk_0 to my identity to my sexuality and then what are the potential risks and rewards and

spk_0 is it worth the risk to share this fantasy in order to tap into or to access those rewards so thank

spk_0 you so much for sharing all of this information with us Matt I'm really looking forward to diving

spk_0 even further into the subject of fantasies with you in the next episode can you please tell my

spk_0 listeners where they can go to learn more about you and your work yeah absolutely so I'm on X and

spk_0 blue sky at ML Kimberly 99 there's also the gender sexuality and intimate relationships research lab

spk_0 at Birmingham City University where we have kind of the web page and you can kind of see

spk_0 publications that are coming out also feel free to just drop me an email if you're kind of

spk_0 interested in hearing more or potentially collaborating well great and I will be sure to include

spk_0 thanks to all of that in the show notes so thank you again so much for your time I really appreciate

spk_0 having you here thank you thank you for listening to keep up with new episodes of this podcast visit

spk_0 my website sex and psychology at sex and psychology.com or subscribe on your favorite platform where I

spk_0 hope you'll take a moment to rate and review the show if you listen on Apple podcasts please

spk_0 consider becoming a sex and psychology premium subscriber to enjoy at-free listening for just

spk_0 399 a month you can also follow me on social media for daily sex research updates I'm on blue sky

spk_0 and x at Justin Laymiller and Instagram at Justin J Laymiller also be sure to check out my book tell

spk_0 me what you want thanks again for listening until next time

Episode 438: Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasies?

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