Culture
Ep 275: The 11th Thing (the FINAL episode)
In the final episode of '10 Things to Tell You,' host Laura Tremaine reflects on six years of podcasting and shares the 10 most important lessons learned throughout the journey. This heartfe...
Ep 275: The 11th Thing (the FINAL episode)
Culture •
0:00 / 0:00
Interactive Transcript
spk_0
In case you missed the announcement in the birthday episode, this week's episode of 10 Things to Tell You will be our last.
spk_0
After six years and nearly 400 episodes counting all the bonuses, interviews, solo shows and series, I have decided to bring this project to a close.
spk_0
But don't worry, this is not goodbye, this is just what's next.
spk_0
I hope to be back in your ears soon, so stay subscribed to this feed and follow me on Instagram so that you don't miss any announcements for what is happening next.
spk_0
In the meantime, I'll still be making personal episodes and hosting book club and community conversations over on secret stuff that's now on Substack.
spk_0
But first, I want to reiterate the 10 most important things that I've told you on this microphone over and over again since 2019.
spk_0
Plus one very noteworthy 11th thing. Thanks for listening to the final episode of 10 Things to Tell You.
spk_0
Welcome to the 10 Things to Tell You podcast. I'm Laura Tramane. I always have at least 10 things to tell you and you have 10 things to tell.
spk_0
This is a show where we believe that sharing yourself will make you less lonely.
spk_0
The original concept of 10 Things to Tell You was always that I have 10 things to tell you and you have 10 things to tell.
spk_0
It's always been about sharing. I used to picture sitting down with a friend that you haven't talked to in a while and you need to catch up on all the things.
spk_0
Because when I started this show, I was in a phase where that's what all of my friendships were like. We would go long stretches without seeing one another and then we would sit down and we'd have 45 things we needed to catch up on with each other, family life, career, gossip, all the things.
spk_0
And that crumb of an idea is what made me want to do a show like 10 Things to Tell You. Where we could share what was on our mind, the deep, the shallow, all of it.
spk_0
I had so much to say when I started this show in 2019, so much that I wanted to tell you.
spk_0
And as the years have gone by, different ideas have morphed out of 10 Things to Tell You as a weekly podcast. We introduced journal prompt episodes.
spk_0
Of course, I always wanted to talk about books. So there were book episodes that catch all favorite things episodes where we could just give one another recommendations for what we're loving.
spk_0
That became a real pillar of 10 Things to Tell You. And I always loved those episodes because it wasn't just about the lipstick or the app we were sharing.
spk_0
It was about marking a moment in time, what we were into in that exact season. And writing down what we were into gives us a sense of gratitude.
spk_0
Same with the book episodes, even though I just love talking about books, it also marked a moment in time. I have watched my own reading taste change over the years of making this show and making those episodes.
spk_0
10 Things to Tell You has also always been a healthy mix of solo episodes, just me on this mic. And guest episodes, some more interview style, some more conversational.
spk_0
You all got to know people in my life through 10 Things to Tell You. My real life book club, Yasmeen and Stephanie are the first ones that come to mind. But other repeat guests that are my friends that even when we are recording, you're maybe getting a different side of me because it's my casual interaction versus my interview professional style.
spk_0
Of course, you got to know my family through these episodes. My kids, my husband, have made numerous appearances over the years. And it was always really fun for me to share that side of my life with you because again, sharing has always been the key for me.
spk_0
My first book, which came directly out of 10 Things to Tell You, I called it Share Your Staff because that was the tagline to the show, not the title of the show, but that is the most core message that I've always wanted to impart.
spk_0
In good times, in hard times, sharing your stuff will make you less lonely. Sharing yourself will get you back to yourself because you are not lost. You know exactly who you are.
spk_0
But sometimes we got to talk it out, right? Sometimes we have to share ourselves, share our feelings, our thoughts, our recommendations, our moments, our photos, our lives to really feel like we're here.
spk_0
And while sharing your stuff has been the most core message of everything I've done on 10 Things to Tell You,
spk_0
I have actually had 10 of the most important things to tell you on my mind, all six years of making the show. There are 10 literal things that every single episode points back to.
spk_0
I've shared those 10 Things before in a comprehensive list, but I'm going to read them all to you again right now. Not a one of them will surprise you. You will remember as I read these 10 Things to You, how often I have preached them.
spk_0
Sometimes multiple times in one episode you're going to get one of these 10 Things. Here are the 10 most important things I have to tell you. Read, share, notice, move, decorate, dress, document, practice, listen, and think.
spk_0
Those 10 Things are woven all through the 400 episodes that we have created here.
spk_0
The main numbered episodes, bonus episodes, the series that we have done like Sunday stillness and other things that we have tried. There have been almost 400 episodes of 10 Things to Tell You, and every single one points to one of these things.
spk_0
For this final episode of the show, I'm going to go through these 10 most important things. Really briefly, I won't harp on them too long because you know them. If you have listened to this show, you know exactly what I mean by everyone of these words, but I'm going to mark this time with all 10.
spk_0
And then I'm going to leave you with one extra thing, the 11th thing, something that's become so important to me, something that I've talked about here on the show, but it really needs to be said, commemorated. It is exactly the note I want to end on.
spk_0
But here are the 10 Things in no particular order, but also maybe kind of an order. Number one, read. Reading is the great love of my life, and I believe that the smartest, most thoughtful people read.
spk_0
Reading is accessible to almost all of us. It can be free in many ways. It can expand our understanding of the world, of our fellow man, of our own spirits. Reading is the answer to almost any question.
spk_0
Reading has changed my life in a million different ways from childhood to now. It is an education, it is an escape, it is entertainment. Reading is everything to me, and while I don't expect it to be everything to everyone, I do feel passionately that reading will change your life.
spk_0
If you're in a season where you can't read much or at all, start with a 20 minute reading timer. Set a timer, set your phone, your watch, your kitchen timer for 20 minutes, and read.
spk_0
The average person reading at an average pace, an average size book, will get through a novel in about two weeks. Reading just 20 minutes a day. That's two books a month, that's 24 books a year. That's a lot of reading. You can get a lot of reading done with just one 20 minute reading timer.
spk_0
Read widely, if you want, if that matters to you, or just pick a genre or an author and read narrowly. Read just that thing if that is what appeals to you. There are no rules around reading. You don't have to finish every book that you start. In fact, you shouldn't if you're hating it.
spk_0
If audiobooks work better for your brain, great. If reading on a screen seems more convenient, fantastic. If you just have to have a physical book in your hand, that's amazing. There are no rules. You don't have to get tangled up in ratings or sheds or lists or anything. Just read.
spk_0
Number two, share. This comes easier for some of us than it does others. I have learned that through these years of me preaching about sharing. When I am telling you to share, I am not saying you have to do that on social media. I am not saying you have to do it in person.
spk_0
But do pick one of them and share your stuff. Don't start with every skeleton in your closet. That will lead to a vulnerability. Hangover that will make you never want to share ever again in your life. Start small. Share recommendation. Share an opinion. Share a story. Share things that you don't talk about very much. Share things that you talk about all the time.
spk_0
Every time you share, you are reminding others and yourself of who you are.
spk_0
Number three, notice. If I were ever to get a tattoo, it might be this word, not because it's a pretty word, but because it is such a meaningful word and idea to me to notice.
spk_0
If I would claim any religion these days, it would be the religion of mindfulness. That of course starts with noticing.
spk_0
Noticing things within yourself. Noticing things with others. Noticing your thoughts and emotions. Without holding onto them or judging them. Noticing how you feel in your body. Noticing a reaction to something said.
spk_0
Something you scroll by. My obsession with noticing has really changed my mental health, particularly my lifelong anxiety.
spk_0
Noticing makes me feel here and in the moment. I notice my breath. I notice my thoughts. I notice my body. And that keeps me from hiding. It keeps me from overwhelming fear.
spk_0
Even if what I'm noticing is that I'm hiding and feeling overwhelming fear, it puts me right back in my body in this earth. Just that. Noticing.
spk_0
Noticing has changed my relationships and has changed the way I think about myself.
spk_0
Number four, move. This is again about your body. Movement can unlock deep wells of stress and grief and pain.
spk_0
The way that you move impacts how you feel and how you walk through this world and how you are able to handle things or not.
spk_0
I am not an exercise girl. I am not going to do a bunch of cardio. That's never been me.
spk_0
But years ago when I started Pilates, Rest in Peace, my Pilates habit, I haven't done that in years.
spk_0
But it is the first thing that reconnected me to my body after having kids, after stuffing down stress and emotions and not realizing that I was carrying those things in my joints, in my back pain, in my hips, in my body.
spk_0
My inflexibility movement taught me how to release some of those emotions or how to even just feel them, first of all.
spk_0
Movement got me out of full seasons of numbness, numbness in my body, numbness in my emotions.
spk_0
Movement reconnected me to my sexuality, to my confidence. When I am feeling almost any kind of way, I move. I shake it off.
spk_0
I turn on some music and do a dance party. I jump on a mini trampoline. I windmill my arms. I do a jumping jack. I touch my toes.
spk_0
When I talk about movement, some people shy away because they think I'm trying to tell them to get fit or something. I am not at all.
spk_0
I am telling you to move your physical body when you feel anything.
spk_0
Basically, you can move in excitement. You can move in pain. It is really hard to let go of the things in life that we need to let go of if we don't physically move the energy in our bodies.
spk_0
Number 5, decorate. This kind of a dated word in a way. But it was the closest that I could come to what I'm trying to say here because I really want you to believe that your space matters.
spk_0
All of your spaces. Your home in particular, but your cubicle at work, your space in your car, your closet, your bed and its relationship to your bedside table.
spk_0
I don't want us to get mired down in the millions and millions of decisions that we would have to make to decorate all of our spaces.
spk_0
But I do want us to think honestly about how our spaces are affecting our mood. We can't always decorate every single space. Maybe we don't own the space that we're in.
spk_0
But to the best of our ability, if we can make the spaces around us, reflect how we want to feel or be expressions of ourselves, our taste, the colors that we like to look at.
spk_0
This makes such a difference in how we feel.
spk_0
It can make a small difference in our mood. It can make a big difference in if we want to entertain people in our spaces.
spk_0
It can affect our relationships. If you hate a room every time you walk into it or you cannot feel at peace in a room because of the way that it's painted or arranged, change it.
spk_0
Our spaces matter so much to how we feel and I think we do not give that enough credence.
spk_0
It's like if we're trying to have a peaceful moment and we have like rage, heavy metal, music, playing, that will definitely affect your peaceful moment.
spk_0
It would be almost impossible to achieve peace with that kind of noise happening unless that's your thing in which case, no judgment.
spk_0
That is how we feel about spaces. We think that visual noise or something doesn't matter, but it really does.
spk_0
If you have ever been in a space that instantly makes you feel a certain way, the way that you want to feel in that space, which is to say peaceful or vibrant, then you know that this really works.
spk_0
And when we neglect decorating our spaces, because we convince ourselves that we don't have the expertise or get enough taste or the budget,
spk_0
we are depriving ourselves of a really vital part of life, which is expressing ourselves in a certain way or creating an environment that makes the life or the day that we want.
spk_0
This pairs very well with number six, which is dress.
spk_0
Now I tweaked this one a little bit from the way that I've talked about these 10 things in the past.
spk_0
I used to call number six something a little bit different because I didn't want to emphasize so much of our clothes.
spk_0
I know again when we're sort of talking about bodies or budgets or all the things that can really go into how we dress, it gets a little sticky.
spk_0
And so I was sometimes trying to avoid the plain truth that how we are dressed, how we put ourselves together, also like our spaces completely affects our mood and the way we feel about ourselves, the way we feel inside, and that affects the way we act on the outside.
spk_0
But now I'm just calling it what it is, dress, which is to say whatever you put on your body.
spk_0
Right now I have on my favorite sweatsuit and I feel fantastic. You know, I love a sweatshirt. I've matching sweat pants on with it right now.
spk_0
So I am not trying to make anybody feel like they have to be dressed up. This feels like me in this moment. And I feel cute.
spk_0
When I want to feel powerful, I dress a different way. When I want to be confident, feeling and acting, I put on my bright pink lipstick because that to me feels like armor in the best way.
spk_0
That is the way that I say to myself in the world like I am here. I am ready for this day, this moment, this meeting. I got my lipstick on. Let's go.
spk_0
How we put together our style, our clothes, our hair, our makeup, and again, it doesn't have to be all at once. It doesn't have to be a way that feels like oppressive to you or like way too high maintenance.
spk_0
It's whatever makes you feel like you, but like our spaces, you can't neglect it. And then just hope everything feels good.
spk_0
You will feel better if you are dressed for the day you want to have. You will feel better if you feel like you look cute or professional or on theme or comfortable or whatever it is that you are going for.
spk_0
It makes this list of the 10 things that I want to tell you because it is a thing that can so easily be pushed aside for women as we age or as we want to defy beauty standards or as we want to sort of lean into not putting so much effort into the way we look on the outside.
spk_0
I really do get that except so often the truth is that how we look on the outside is a reflection of how we feel on the inside. And in the years where I just was my messiest self, I looked at.
spk_0
And when I wanted to bring some things into alignment, when I wanted to feel together and powerful and stylish, I had to put effort into those things.
spk_0
I still do. There's going to be a sliding scale here of what it means to you to dress well, what high maintenance means, what your outward expression of yourself means to meet your insides.
spk_0
But when you are feeling a little spirally about who you are, how you want to be perceived, try some of that power lipstick. You might be surprised at what it holds.
spk_0
Number seven, document. You are the best person to document your own life. I want you to do this by journaling primarily.
spk_0
But I also want you to take the selfie, do a social media challenge, screenshot the headlines, document your life like someone's going to make a movie about it later.
spk_0
Just for you, maybe for your ancestors, but because like so many of these other things that I've been talking about, this will make you feel like you're in your life.
spk_0
There are so many ways that we can disassociate. There are so many ways that we can unattach or tell ourselves that we're just a speck of dust that doesn't matter that nobody will care.
spk_0
You care. Document it for you. No one has ever gotten to the end of their life and said, Guy, wish that I hadn't kept so many mementos.
spk_0
I wish that I hadn't written down what was happening. I wish that I hadn't taken so many pictures. Nobody has said that. I really don't think it's a thing.
spk_0
And when you are reading about history, sure, maybe you need the official version, but don't you really want your grandmother's version?
spk_0
Don't you want to know how she felt about it? Don't you want to see pictures of her? So you are doing it for your ancestors, but primarily you're doing it for yourself.
spk_0
Document. Keep a journal. Keep a scrapbook. You will never regret it.
spk_0
Number eight. Practice. I like this word because it's a little softer than another word I love, which is ritual.
spk_0
But I do think the word ritual can maybe feel a little bit heavy for what I mean by this thing.
spk_0
A practice, a daily practice, a weekly practice, even a yearly practice doesn't have to have the rigid or religious connotations that the word ritual does, but pick whichever word works for you.
spk_0
I like practice because it just feels a little looser, maybe less expectations around the word practice. But what I mean by practice or ritual is to have these small things that ground the word.
spk_0
Your day, your week, your year. Maybe they're small things, maybe they're big things, but they belong just to you.
spk_0
This can be a practice of journaling, my favorite. This can be a practice of gratitude. This can be lighting a candle, walking the dog, not simply as a chore, but as a moment to check in with yourself.
spk_0
You can have a yoga practice, a meditation practice. You can have all of these things are dabbled in a few of them, but having something that grounds you is so helpful.
spk_0
For years, I had a really kind of long and involved morning routine. I had this when my life felt emotionally like a roller coaster. I had little kids. I needed sort of this longer morning ritual to anchor my day.
spk_0
These days, I don't need such a morning ritual. So my practices look a little bit different. You have to know your season and know what it is that you need. But a practice or ritual gives a reference and a rhythm to your days and your life.
spk_0
Think of what it feels like to have a little ritual where you like light a candle and get out your journal, where you get in the bath and get out your book, where you walk the dog and call your best friend.
spk_0
And these rhythms give our life some shape. They can be spiritual in nature. They can be traditions that you're doing with yourself or with others. But you will find a comfort and a peace in some sort of practice or ritual in your life.
spk_0
If this idea is new to you or you don't have anything like this going right now, do start small. I feel like it becomes too daunting to just like suddenly be like, I'm going to do yoga or meditate every day for an hour. You're not going to do that. That is too hard.
spk_0
Keep the keep the bar a little bit lower when you are starting with some sort of practice to ground yourself to anchor your day around to sort of say to the universe.
spk_0
I am taking this time. I am carving it out for something that is grounding rituals to me give a reverence to life and to humanity.
spk_0
So I can be feeling all kinds of crazy about social media chaos. I can be feeling way too busy running all over town. I can be feeling all in my head with a busy B brain and give me any sort of practice or ritual.
spk_0
Just for that minute, just stopping down, taking some breaths, coming into myself, whatever practice or ritual. I'm sort of into at that moment, that day, that season. It is just that little pang of this is who we are right now.
spk_0
Number nine is listen. I talk so much about sharing, wrote a whole book about sharing and I'm on this microphone solo. So much. That's a lot of telling. This shows called 10 Things to Tell You.
spk_0
I talk a lot about talking and sharing the other side of that coin that maybe I haven't given enough air time to but I hope is implied in the very idea of connecting with others is to listen.
spk_0
You have to listen in order to understand. You have to listen in order to connect or really hear a person's experience, their point, their perspective. How often are we so quick to just be thinking about what we're going to say next or we assume we already know what they're going to say.
spk_0
So we're not really listening when they're talking how quick we can be to dismiss or tune out people in all kinds of settings, social settings, professional settings, even with loved ones. We don't listen as much as we should. I know I don't. I have to work on it because I am so quick to jump to a conclusion.
spk_0
I'm so quick to want to make my own point or share my own story. Listening changes the dynamic because you're not always asserting yourself. There's often a dynamic or a posture required where you are really hearing them.
spk_0
You're not passively listening. You're not listening in order to refute. You're just listening. How would your listening feel if there wasn't going to be a response from you if you were just taking it in. We can listen in relationship.
spk_0
We can also listen to voices outside of relationships. So we listen to podcasts. We listen to videos. We listen to music. We are hearing something that we needed to hear that's educating us or soothing us that doesn't require any action from us.
spk_0
Sometimes that is the best way for us to learn and understand is from strangers and is outside of relationship. So when I talk about listening, obviously this is a podcast. So I feel really strongly about the audio medium and how it can really affect us.
spk_0
And also, of course, in relationship, listening is often too far down on the priority list in marriage and parenthood in your work life. You're like, yeah, yeah, you know what? Like, I don't need to listen. I got it. I've had that very same attitude. And I've really missed something very important that was being said because I wasn't paying attention or I was dismissing the night thing on this list.
spk_0
After so many words preaching at you to share is to listen. And number 10 hinted at throughout, but yet so important. Thank. Thank others. Thank ourselves.
spk_0
I think the universe, a gratitude practice, since we just talked about practice, is one of those other things that can very quickly change your mood and change your perspective.
spk_0
Thanking others, like openly thanking them, maybe writing a letter, maybe sending a quick text. It's not just a polite formality. Thank you for buying my coffee.
spk_0
It can really be a meaningful gesture for both you and the recipient to say, hey, I really appreciated what you said, what you offered, who you are. I just want to thank you. It is a way of seeing.
spk_0
It is a way of noticing, thanking others can change your relationship to them in the way they receive it. It can change within yourself because you have offered this expression of thanks.
spk_0
And then just feeling a sense of gratitude within yourself is key to peace, contentment. It is the tenth thing to tell you because after all of these other things, we're moving.
spk_0
We're noticing, we're reading, we're sharing, we're practicing, we're documenting, we're decorating and dressing, we're listening, all of those things, when all of it is done, when we get to the end of the day, we are thankful.
spk_0
Some days it's easier to get there than others, but we are thankful, thankful, thankful. I am thankful for you. I am thankful for the chance to be on this microphone weekly for so long. I am thankful for all I have learned by making this show.
spk_0
So low and with guests online and off, it has just been the best time. The last six years have been full of ups and downs for all of us. I have had some of the most incredible moments of my life since I started this show in 2019.
spk_0
I've also had some of the darkest. Life is a mixed bag in that way, but this show has been such a steady presence. It has been some of the things that I have been talking about. It has been a grounding ritual for me to make this show, to meet a weekly deadline, to be thoughtful about the messages that I wanted to talk to you about, tell you about.
spk_0
I am just so thankful for the opportunity to get to do so, and I am thankful for you, letting me be in your ears for all these hours, all these years, which brings me to the 11th thing.
spk_0
The 11th thing is to let yourself change. I know I've talked about this before, but I want you to really hear me. There's some part of us that thinks staying the same, holding on to certain parts of who we are, who we've always been, certain values, certain belief systems, certain people.
spk_0
There's some part of us that thinks holding and gripping tightly to that is the way of integrity, and it isn't always. We have to be open to change.
spk_0
Change is going to find us no matter what, and so that's why this 11th thing is to let yourself change. Let that flow come through you because change is happening, and when you resist it, it's harder.
spk_0
There are things in our lives, things about ourselves that need to change. We cannot meet the moment, we cannot get to our highest self without some shifts.
spk_0
And I know that it's hard because some of the change that comes for us, we don't want, we are not welcoming it, we wouldn't have chosen it.
spk_0
And then of course there are some changes that we actively seek, that we put a lot of effort into. All of these are change. All of this is important.
spk_0
When we dig our heels, there can be a momentum to change, there can be a goodness to change.
spk_0
And while this may come with grief or inconvenience, I believe we are often doing ourselves a disservice when we don't let what is happening happen.
spk_0
Let yourself change. Maybe someone told you a long time ago to never change. Maybe you live in a community that does not value people changing.
spk_0
Maybe your family or a teacher or your church taught you that people who change are flaky or lack character. This is not true.
spk_0
Let yourself change. Let yourself be who you are meant to be. That requires change.
spk_0
I feel like over the past six years I have let this show change. Sometimes I've actively tried to change it. Sometimes it has just changed on its own.
spk_0
I have let this thing be what it needed to be for me and for you, which is why as we bring it to a close, the idea to let yourself and to let things change really resonates with me.
spk_0
I do not feel lost. I do not feel confused. I am ready for this change.
spk_0
The 11th thing is to let yourself change. As I close this show, I want to remind you that I'm not going anywhere.
spk_0
The weekly 10 things to tell you podcast is coming to an end, but I hope to be back in your ears soon. And I will make that announcement.
spk_0
One thing that I have learned over the years is that I really love podcasting. I really love good conversations and interviewing people and talking about books and all of the projects that I love to do that come on a microphone.
spk_0
I am hoping to build something else for you to return to. I don't know what that will look like. I don't know when that will be.
spk_0
But this final episode is certainly not a goodbye. It is a let's see what we can do next.
spk_0
In the meantime, while I figure out what is next, I will still be over on secret stuff where you can hear regular personal episodes, reading roundups, joining on the monthly book club meetings and community symposium meetings.
spk_0
I'm also writing more personal essays over there. You can join and get the secret posts for free. If you want to upgrade and make sure you're getting all of those goodies, there is a membership to that.
spk_0
And I'm really loving what we've built over there, what I'm creating over there. One of the things I'm doing in bringing 10 things to tell you to a close is so that I can write more.
spk_0
I do want to write a lot more than I have been lately. And I am doing that over on Substack. I'll link to all of that. Make sure you're also following me on Instagram at Laura.tremaine. Of course, I will announce wherever you'll be able to find me on mic next.
spk_0
If you want to stay subscribed to the 10 Things to Tell You feed here, in case I make an announcement here, go ahead and do that.
spk_0
And of course, the archives of 10 Things to Tell You will stay up and available if you ever want to reference some of those episodes or their show notes, which can always be found at 10th things to tell you.
spk_0
What a ride this has been, my friends. You are the most important part of the work that I do. I never forget it. Thanks for listening. Now go share something.
spk_0
You just listen to an episode of the 10 Things to Tell You podcast. Make sure you subscribe to the show in your favorite podcast app so you never miss a thing you can also follow us on Instagram and Facebook at 10 Things to Tell You.
spk_0
And all the show notes for every episode can be found at 10th things to tell you.