Technology
Your Questions, Answered: Tantrums, Bullying & Screen Time with Caitlin Murray of Big Time Adulting!
In this episode of Raising Good Humans, Dr. Lisa Pressman and Caitlin Murray tackle listener questions on parenting challenges, including managing tantrums, addressing bullying, and navigating screen ...
Your Questions, Answered: Tantrums, Bullying & Screen Time with Caitlin Murray of Big Time Adulting!
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Interactive Transcript
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The following podcast is a deer media production.
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Welcome to Raising Good Humans Podcast.
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I'm Dr. Lisa Pressman and I am so excited.
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I'm here today with Caitlin Murray.
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You might be familiar with her.
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Wait, it's so funny.
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I always do this to you even in real life.
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I'm like, she, do you guys know big time adulting?
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If you're unfamiliar with Caitlin, you will be more familiar with her today.
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And you're going to be like, how do I bathe in her sense of joy, humor, and reality?
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Wait, is that really what you are?
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Joy, humor, and reality?
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I don't mean I'll take it.
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That's so funny.
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Is that right?
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That's funny.
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So, and also, Caitlin says the things that a lot of us think, but we can't say either
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because we're a developmental psychologist or because we're like, oh, you're allowed
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to say those things out loud.
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And so it is just like every time you, Caitlin, say something, I feel like so many people
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are sitting there like, oh, I'm not crazy.
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I think that's a really nice feeling.
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Well, I feel that way listening to you all the time.
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I'm like, oh, thank God, she just validated this feeling that I have, this concern.
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Well, thank you.
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So here's what we're doing.
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We're going to answer questions that listeners actually really was Caitlin's Instagram followers
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sent in.
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And we're going to answer them as Caitlin and as Alisa, developmental psychologist, Dr.
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Dr. Hat and a Caitlin hat.
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And then some of them, we didn't read them together in advance.
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Like, I have no idea what these questions are, but I think they're every person's
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questions.
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So Caitlin chose questions that other people will find of benefit.
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And it'll be interesting to hear our varying perspectives, although they might not be so
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wildly different.
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It may just be our delivery and go.
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Okay.
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I agree.
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Yeah.
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So, okay, I asked the audience.
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I told them I was coming on your podcast and that we were going to do this fun format
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of sort of two different, but maybe the same perspective at the end of the day.
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As you mentioned, and I collected responses and I don't have them here verbatim because
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a lot of people's questions echoed each other.
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So I sort of tried to just consolidate them in two form that makes sense to ask a more
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general question that fits everybody.
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Okay.
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So first up, which I find this one, I'm dying for your opinion on this question because
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I have a struggle with this a lot.
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So somebody asked about a couple of people have asked this, but the way the person who
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I'm quoting asked this is, what do we do about pushing kids to do something that is hard
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for them, but good for them.
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Like digging deeper with an academic concept or with exercise and physical fitness, things
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that are not fun, but good for you.
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Yeah.
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And I think that's a, I struggle with that.
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Like I know I could tell you the answer, the textbook answer, and then I'll also tell
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you that I constantly struggle with it because I'm like, what is the line between positive
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pushing and becoming like controlling aggressive?
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It sounds like this is a common question is like, what is the kind of pushing that we
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can do to scaffold growth and what is like, I'm just a controlling tiger mom who wants
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my kid to achieve achieve achieve.
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And I think they're two very different things, but we're so scared of achievement pressure
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and perfection culture and just like pushing that we might accidentally not have our kids
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do anything they don't feel like doing.
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And then I guess there's a flip side of it of the people that are just like so intense
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about you're going to be, you're going to thank me later that there is no like wiggle room.
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I think annoyingly it's somewhere in between.
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So I would ask yourself the first question is what I'm asking my child to do questioning
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their value as a human, their worthiness if they don't do it.
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Hopefully the answer is no.
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If it's yes, if it's like in this family, we ski.
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And if you don't, you're not a member of this family, then I think it could be humiliating
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and shaming in a way that's too far.
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But if you said, look in this family, we try skiing.
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Yeah.
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And it's uncomfortable and it's hard, but we do it 12 times before we make a decision
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about it.
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And it's going to be some of those days are going to be ugly and cold and uncomfortable and
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achy, but we just do it.
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And then we'll reevaluate after those 12 times or whatever it is that the decision is.
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That's not calling into question your child's worthiness.
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It's not saying they have to be great at it.
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It's just saying, this is hard, but it's something that you can't get to the other side of
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without doing the hard thing.
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There's another version that is about physical activity like you were saying exercise.
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It's like, I don't like my job is to grow you and part of healthy development is movement.
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We know this.
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So you have to move.
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Yeah.
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You know, what kind of movement you do unless you're like the movement I want to do is
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finger-puppeting.
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And then I would say, okay, I'll choose it for you.
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And you know, it might be uncomfortable, but you have to pick one sport or one, you know,
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you can run or whatever.
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And then with academics, I think we know there's always a difference between,
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am I pushing my child's for a healthy, healthy thinking, learning how to learn and
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learning that like it's always going to be uncomfortable before you grow.
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Or am I just like, you got to get an A and you have to take really hard classes.
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And that's a family values thing.
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Like in my household, the A is less important than like, let's not do things that are so hard
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that they're breaking you, but hard enough that you're intellectually challenged so that
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your brain grows alongside your body with physical challenges.
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But does that, is that concrete enough?
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Yeah, I mean, I feel like that's a helpful answer.
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I like the idea of saying, you know, this is something that you, you don't have to commit
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to for life, but you have to try this because it is good for you.
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And like, or this is something like we're doing as a family.
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And I'm not asking for this to be your thing.
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But yes, you have to give it a try at least before you decide if you hate it or not.
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Like you can't just say you don't like it or you don't want to do it when you haven't
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given it a real chance, right?
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You don't have to do this to love it.
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Like everybody gets to, I mean, it's like you wouldn't have to love every meal.
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Some meals, one kid's going to like more than the other, but you're a family.
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So you don't have short order cooking in the same way or maybe you do.
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I mean, a lot of, when my kids were little, I did so much more of that.
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And now it's like, okay, we, I'm not doing, I'm not jumping through 10 hoops to make dinner
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for the family now.
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We're getting, this is what we're having.
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It's always the younger kids who I feel like protest that more, right?
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Like they're just pickier and they want to be defiant.
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And, you know, exercise, they're a little control that they have, right?
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But I guess, yeah, I think that that's where you don't want to feel like you're like some
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psycho pushing your kids into activity.
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And especially I think like this comes within like today's culture narrative when it comes
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to exercise and being like a freed of creating, you know, complexes around your body or body
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size and how that correlates to movement and exercise in the right language around
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that specifically is difficult.
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I have like one of my kids who is not as naturally talented with sports and stuff like that
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is just a try hard.
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Like he just wants to go and get it and try harder and he's there and mentally like ready
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to push and do the work that it takes to get to the next level, that kind of thing.
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And then my next child who is really naturally talented does not want to put in the hard
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work.
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And she's also really competitive though.
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She wants to be the best.
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She wants to be the best.
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She wants to get better.
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That's hard.
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She doesn't want to put in the work.
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So I just had like a real, I don't want to say come to Jesus, whatever, aha conversation
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with her this past week, timely enough about this because I was saying, if you want to
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get better at something, you have to put in the work.
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It's not just going to happen.
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There's going to be a point in time where your natural talent is going to not be as good
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as the people around you who are also good at the sport, but are putting in.
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Putting in the work and she was finally like, okay, I want to try hard.
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Let's like get better at sprinting.
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Let's get better at this.
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And I think if you had that same conversation and she was like, okay, then that's not where
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I want to put my efforts, then that's okay.
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Then it's like, okay, you still have to move every day.
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Right.
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Maybe you don't want to be in a competitive sport.
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Maybe you want to put that effort into something else.
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Yeah, totally fine, but you can't like sit on your ass all day.
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Exactly.
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So I think that that's the thing is like if somebody is like, I don't think we have
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to turn our kids into other people.
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So it's just making sure I guess the other question you'd ask yourself is like, I think
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of this and this is not rooted in research.
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So like take it or leave it.
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I think it's like, there's one activity that you can just be like, I'm shoving this down
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your throat as my kid and this family.
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Like it matters to me that you know how to do this when you grow up.
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And I don't really care if you like it.
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I don't, I'm just making that call.
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I think if you do that more than once and you don't acknowledge like, yeah, this is,
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it's my thing.
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And I don't care.
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Then I think it loses its power and you become like a person who seems like they might
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be trying to turn you into someone.
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More of a tyrant.
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Yes, it's a fine line to walk in reverse psychology always works wonders for me.
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I'm like, you know what?
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This is your choice.
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You know, if you want to put in the work, you can get to the next level, but no one else
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can do that for you.
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That's your, you got to do it.
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We might be like, man, I, but I do wish, I will say I wish that we had more confidence
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in helping our kids like be a little more stretched.
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Like I think it's scary to see our kids feel like something is uncomfortable.
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And in any category, and I think it's a really hard thing to know what's stretching
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not breaking.
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And I don't know that there's any great way to become highly skilled at this except practice
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ourselves.
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Yeah, I think like one of the, my kids said to me, I don't like like running more because
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it's, it's hard for me.
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I don't like it.
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I'm not, I said, you don't like it because it's hard.
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The only way to get better at it is doing hard things like you cannot just get better
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at something by taking the easy way out.
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There's no, that's, but not all kids want to listen to that.
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No.
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And, and, and if they do it, it might be with something they're more inclined to get
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better at.
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Yeah.
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It's kind of like one of those things where you could say, I can't put, I can't make
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you do this.
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But I can promise you, if you push yourself to do this and you get through it or you
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get better at something because you pushed yourself, you are going to feel empowered
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as fuck afterwards.
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Yeah.
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And then if you don't, and then I guess the flip side is like, but if they're like,
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okay, but that's not where I want to put my energy that we accept that and we're not
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like, all right, loser.
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Yeah.
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No, it doesn't have to be like physical that can be mental.
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It can be an instrument.
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It can be art like you said, anything, right?
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Just you can't just check out and do the easy thing for it.
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Like just mail every, you can't mail everything in and life and expect to be better or do,
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or succeed.
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It's up to you.
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Okay.
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Let's ask questions.
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Next question.
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And now for a quick break, movement is what brings us together and each step forward
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All right.
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So next question had to do with tantrums of kids from all ages.
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I was getting like, you know, not all ages, but as old as like my nine year old this,
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but also my two year old this.
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So tantrums or meltdowns, breakdowns, whatever you want to call it.
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How do you react as a parent?
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How do you handle these meltdowns and breakdowns in like without completely losing your own
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shit during it?
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But also maybe if there is a situation where this, but whatever the kid is that's melting
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down is potentially going to hurt themself or break things or that work.
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That's like incredibly intense.
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What would you, what's, how did we deal with that?
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Well, do you want to say how you deal with it?
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Because you have more people of tantrum age or and then I can, yeah, sure.
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For a ticket, I'm just kidding.
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So I think I'm getting better with the tantrum thing or maybe I'm not and my kids are
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just getting older and my tantrums are less and less.
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But I have one kid who was like very prone to massive meltdowns when it came to like
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getting ready to go places like going to school and getting dressed and that kind of thing.
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And it would just really make my blood boil.
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And like, well, I lean on your like phrase at all times with all feelings are welcome.
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All behaviors are not.
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I was like, and I say, I say it to my kids all the time too.
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And I just said it to my daughter the other day and she like processed it.
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And it was a good, it was a good outcome for us.
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It was like, you are definitely allowed to feel pissed off and angry about this,
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but you can't act that way.
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You can't just like outbursts like that intense.
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I understand why you're angry and what pushed your buttons about that and stuff.
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But this behavior is not acceptable.
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Like you need to reign it in.
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So in past like before I have kids that are maybe able to really kind of grasp that.
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Yeah.
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When your kids are littler, I have definitely been like enough, you know, like this is out of control.
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And yeah, and just like be worse or just as bad as they are.
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And then that is where I really lean on the research around
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how effective repair is.
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When I'm like, wow, I really went completely off of the deep end right along with you,
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jumped in right after you went to the deep end to with a full on meltdown.
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I'm going to definitely have to apologize for myself later.
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But yeah, I mean, I think that the probably best way is to try to ignore the behavior
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as much as you can and then like talk to them once they've had a chance to calm down.
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But I feel like with little kids also, they'll be out on level 1000 having a tantrum.
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And then it's over and they've forgotten about it in your emotionally kind of scarred.
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Like what the hell was that?
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Like they were so mad and so incensed and now they're fine.
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Are they fine?
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Are they a psycho?
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Like is this damaging?
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What's the right and they're totally fine.
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They just like are more easily dysregulated.
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And like if they're under two, even under three, they sometimes,
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I think this is a weird thing.
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Like they, you're not going to talk like chat while they're screaming because it wouldn't do
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anything they can't hear you.
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But yeah, you might need like they might need touch like they might need you to
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even though they're insane right in that moment, they might need somebody rubbing their back
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unless that pisses them off and they are like even more upset.
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Or they might need you to just sit on the floor and you know count
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sheep in your head so that you kind of can be mellow.
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But I also think we all, I mean I just, I have you know, elder kids.
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And I just like got so annoyed that my daughter was being frankly like just,
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I don't know what the right word is, but it was like bitchy all day.
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And I like, I don't know why.
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I just was like I've had it.
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And she was so taken aback because it's, I've done that once with my older daughter and felt
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terrible because I definitely was, I said more than just I've had it.
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Yeah.
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And like we repaired everything was fine, but I hadn't done that yet with this one.
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And I definitely was like, I just tantrummed.
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Like I was like, I'm done with all of this.
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And I had to go like,
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back with your tail between your legs.
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I mean, I've never felt more like a dog with their tail, which I mean, I was so sorry,
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but I think I just was like enough with this nonsense.
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Like I am not like I cannot today.
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But it was little kids that would be very scary if you did that.
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Like with my older one, she was just like somebody's having a bad day.
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I will say I have probably scared the living shit out of my kids with my reactions at times to
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like losing my own temper during heated moments of like trying to get everybody out the door
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get your shoes on. Nobody's listening. You've asked them 10 times.
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And then you finally just blow your top, you know, or like there's a
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obliterate and defiant behavior that like makes you really lose it that kind of thing.
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But that's that's what I mean, I'm just I'm not I'm not a cool headed person in those
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situations. I wish sometimes I can be, but sometimes I can really blow my top.
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Doesn't matter. I mean, I think one of the things that we've learned is like,
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if your kids feel like you are safe, which I know your kids do, you blow your top like
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they're just like, oh, bley, you know, like that's just a moment and they'll get over it.
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Like it's just I know that I'm going to come back down and that we're going to talk about it.
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And like I'll hug them and still hug me and we'll have a have a
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moment of relatability and that. And that's repair and it's a beautiful thing.
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And but I mean, everybody can work on, you know, that like not getting like that,
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but there are just times when you do. And I also don't think it's realistic to be
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like a person who doesn't eventually just lose it when everybody is being insane around them.
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Yeah, I mean, and then like there's this whole like around gentle parenting and keeping calm
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all the time and using a quiet voice when you're talking like a calm voice and being firm,
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but calm all the time like always calm. I'm like, nobody's fucking always calm.
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Nobody's always calm. You are always calm. I'm like, where what kind what is the name for the drugs
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we're on? I need them or you're a serial killer. Like I don't know what's like you're not rattled
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up enough for me. Like I would like to tickle you or get you from behind or whatever and see if I
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can get you going. You know, but yeah, just sometimes that whole like calm robotic like I'm
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purposefully when people know that you. This is terrible. I think that can be terrifying. Like you want
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I know like sometimes when I'm like pissed off at like my husband or something like that and I blow
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up about something I'm looking for a reaction from him to like him staying calm makes me even more
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mad. I'm like, you get fired up about this too. Like what's are you about it? I need to have it out.
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Yeah, nothing quies and argue with my kids like me losing my shit. They're like, oh, it's not
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deep like nevermind. No, I do think we I think there's like that overcorrection of gentle parenting
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where you're like, oh, you're not supposed to be a robot. I don't think it's particularly healthy
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for kids to grow up in a household where there was like an underlying seething that was never
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expressed. I don't think that like I think that that's sort of weird, but also I mean if it's
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truly your nature like you're truly just you to baby. Yeah, then you're probably that's just your
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nature and God's speed. But if it's a performance, but you're actually so close to losing your mind,
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I do think eventually you're gonna it's like it's gonna be. It's gonna be. Yeah, and then I guess
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also we need our kids to be able to like see over time again, not all the time, but like see over time
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that people react and that the world does not end. Yes, yeah, and we can we can get better from this.
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We can be strong. We can have like a real conversation with each other as a result of this and
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what happens when feelings get really intense and like being vulnerable and showing humility and
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all of that I think is really powerful in terms of like developing the bond with my with my kids,
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I feel like I'm like, let's just be real, you know, so okay, so but really quickly before we move
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on to the next one, what is some kid is like literally going physical physical or maybe going to
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hurt themselves like what's the right thing to do in this? You have to hold their body and protect
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them and it doesn't look good. What if they're like really like an eight or nine year old?
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Then you need to make sure everybody's safe and get them in a room where they're safe. Like I
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think it's a fantasy to say like I'll be here with you no matter what. No, if you're throwing
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things and kicking and you're too big to sort of do the bear hug, you you have to protect the other
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people in the household and they might need space like some kids actually get more dysregulated
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because somebody's like I'm here for you. We're just going through this and then they're like
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that's that's so infuriating. So I think that there is a world where when a kid gets that
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they're seeing that red and it turns physical that you have to let them be alone in a room as
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long as they're safe. If they're younger, you physically hold their body tightly enough that they
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can't escape not because you're in any way hurting them but actually because you're protecting them
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and yourself. It doesn't happen with kids who are eight usually plus very often. Like if it's a
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repeat, this kid is a danger to themselves and others at eight years old. You should see that's
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where it's like okay, this feels like it's out of scope with what is part of typical behavior.
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Okay. Yeah. Where is if that happened with a two or three year old, it's not. Right.
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Yeah, like it's it's not age appropriate after a certain point in time where you can yeah,
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you shouldn't be afraid of your two big children. Like at that point, something might need a little
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extra support. Yeah. Yeah, maybe reach out to somebody. Even your pediatrician just say like,
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hey, I just there have been a few times where I'm like a little bit scared for like the physical
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physical harm that could occur, you know, for myself or for my kid. And I just want to check that out.
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Yeah. Okay. We could I mean, I could like talk a full episode on each of these topics with you,
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but we'll move on to the next one. And now for a quick break. So here's the deal. Zip Recruiter
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awesome. Okay, I want to tell you about Suvi because I'm super into figuring out how to cook as
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that's suvi.com slash humans. All right so the next question was about bullying and what to do
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with kids who are being bullied at school somebody asked about how to deal with like a kid who has
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special needs getting bullied that kind of thing so sad. That's really sad. We've we've dealt with
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that a little bit here in my house but you know was it bullied side or bullied oh no bullied yeah
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if any of my kids were the bullied there would not be you would have words yeah that would be a
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full on your shutdown everything is taken away type situation. Well I guess we should define bullying
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because yeah bullying isn't there's a kid being a jerk to you. Bullying is targeted there's a
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power dynamic like the person who's who's bullying is more powerful either socially or physically
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and they are enlisting other people to participate. If it's just like there's this one jerk who's
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always kind of just like nasty to me that's less bullying and more just like this is not your friend
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so let's stay away but if it's like they have a power dynamic such that they can engage other people
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to participate and also they're just like more powerful than I am they're great above me they're
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more popular they're you know they have a bigger role on the team whatever that is that gets into
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bullying territory. Okay and so and and did you say this anything like physical is considered bullying
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also or it has to be repeat offense like it had I would have to be repeat offense with a power dynamic
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and again like sort of trying to get other people against you as well. If there's if there's repeat
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offense with physical and there there is a power dynamic it that immediately you want to address the
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adults at the school to help and give permission to your child to sort of have a plan for who they
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can talk to and go to and not be afraid to sort of point that out which is also really scary and
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that's why like with actual bullying and I think we use the word very lightly like jerk being a jerk
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is not being a bully it's just being a jerk but with actual bullying you can't do it without
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adult support you just can't like I would never expect a child to be able to self-manage a bullying
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situation. Okay that's a good that's a really good piece of advice because I think like personally
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in the situation that I encountered my son was on this team and it was a like a club team so
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kids from all different towns and people we didn't know parents I don't know that kind of the
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situation and there were a bunch of kids from one town together and he was kind of the he was the
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only kid from our town he didn't know anyone on the team and there was this one the last whole
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who just like every practice would come at him he would like hit him with his stick while they
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were in line for drills and like say nasty things to him and it was like every practice repeatedly
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and my we talked about it like at ad nauseam like together and that kind of thing and we
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I really wanted him to be able to have the words and the language to stand up for himself you know
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but as much as I could tell him what to say like I could come up with one million fucking zingers to
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say back to this little shit and like I would have put him in his place so fast so fast this would
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frankly not have happened to me because I would have like not stood for that my son is so nice
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and like he is just not going to be the kid that is going to talk that way to anyone ever like he's
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just not that person and so I can't as much as I want to tell him you could say this or you could say
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that right he's just on him and it's not even going to come out right like he's not going to sound
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good saying it so it's just going to let you know what I mean like I'm just being honest like
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yeah yeah real situation and so for kids who are who are like that who may end up like becoming
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of the target of even just jerks over and over again or that type of thing how do we teach
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those kids like the way to talk or the way to stand up for themselves or what is like
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what's like the language for them like I just don't I don't know and sometimes I'm like this is just
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like part of childhood yeah yeah like this is going to happen to some people and that's what it is
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and hopefully nothing actually bad comes of this and they're going to be stronger for it in the end
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and kinder and more you know looking out for other people or that's happening yeah
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well I mean in this case for example like a couple of clues that I feel like your son was okay
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he was telling you like a lot of kids internalize that and they don't there are too embarrassed and
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ashamed to tell their parent because they're like this is a short coming on my end so you have
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the kind of relationship where he's telling you so out of the gate I'm like everything's going to be
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fine he's going to be stronger for it that doesn't take away the pain and it doesn't take away that
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it's terrible and shitty it's I guess I'm going to have to do a disclaimer at the beginning of this
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episode that there's cursing well you invited me on the podcast I know I knew what I was getting into
spk_0
so I think just for people to know if your child is coming to you with this half of what you need
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to do is already done which is be there to receive that and then assess whether or not this is
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this kid enlisting the other kids from the town or is this kid so jerky but really what it's doing is
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he's not able to like then feel comfortable becoming part of the bigger group and then you can
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like depending on their age you could definitely say something to the coach like hey the team is
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not cohesive like here are some examples of what's going on can you figure that out can you
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like keep an eye out but you're not like overreacting in any way you're just like basically do your
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job coach but I think for the kids just saying thank you for telling me like what's that what is that
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like for you when you're there does it feel like manageable do you want tools and tips like are you like
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what would you feel comfortable with because your son would be like I'm not going to say that back
spk_0
like yeah definitely I'm not going to say that back so you can give him permission to
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walk away just be like okay dude like yeah like they need permission to not to decide
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within their power who to respond who to give their energy to and who to just be like okay like you do
spk_0
you one thing like that because I did an Instagram story around this when it was all going on and I
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asked a quite I put a question box of like people to respond to if the ways that you've dealt with
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bullies and that kind of thing or what's been your situation and one response that always like
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stuck with me is that you could have your your kid respond to that person who's at like being an
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asshole to say like is everything okay with you yeah like kind of if they would do that you can
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always like it's like you something must be heard on you right now that you would be taking
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this out on me what's going on and God bless anybody that has the sort of
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confidence to do that yeah I know you know you can even say it in a little bit of a sassy way
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like is everything okay with you like you know yeah kind of turn it on them to examine the way that
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they're behaving in a way like that's a question that's the other part of this equation where
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it's like you can tell of them what to say and how to say it and then but they just if they're in
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that situation they're they may be the kind of kid that ends up getting yeah like my son got called
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a nerd at his like third day of middle school the other day and I'm like but you are yeah not
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good thing yeah I love that okay it's it's like that again that's a distinction between like people
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are being jerk jerks to you like I'm so sorry I'm so glad you're telling me and like you can
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what do you need for me do you want do you want me to hear about this and just listen or do you
spk_0
want us to like think about what you could say back but that's jerks and I think jerks are just
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always gonna be around so we need to know that we can survive them but it is different if they're
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enlisting other people to be like look at that nerd and throwing their books down yeah then
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then it is bullying and you gotta get an adult involved at the school because yeah it can get
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worse yeah I do think we very much need to distinguish between jerks that are gonna exist
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throughout time and that we have to have a safe place to go tell somebody about it like our
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parents like we have a close enough relationship to be like this person said this today and then I
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feel great about that kid I feel like they know they have a safe place to come to and I also would
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ask them do you have anybody like when you look around when that happens is there somebody that you
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feel like they like me I'm okay yeah and I think for this I'm gonna answer that one lady who had
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the question about her childless special needs oh yeah that seems like get the adults involved
spk_0
immediately oh my god I think any parent who found out if I got a phone call how about talking to
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the parents of the bully yeah the other kid and stuff like I think it's date I think the reason why
spk_0
schools prefer you to go through school is only because if I call you Caitlin and I'm like listen
spk_0
I know I know you and I know your values and I feel like you can help me with this it's come to
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my attention that your son's been saying whatever to a kid with special needs and I just feel like
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I can see that you're already enraged at the thought but like you might receive it you might
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receive it and not go and scream at your kid for being just a terrible kid or alternatively denying it
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being like well that is not the story that I heard and you know but it just doesn't people most people
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do not like imagining their kids to be someone that is not aligned with their values yeah so it
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could just backfire like they'll either scream at their kid who then we'll take it out on the
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kid that they were already bullying or they might deny it and be like you tell me what really
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happened like and then and then it becomes he said she said or she said she said or he said he said
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whatever so that's why it would make me nervous if you're like really good with people and you know
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how to validate that this must be hard let them know that you know that this is totally possible
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that you know there are different perspectives let them know that you just kind of want to have an
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open conversation like I think you could do it but you have to be really really tactical yeah yeah
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maybe not worse that just like try to get a third party sort of middle the school yeah and also if
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there's a kid with special needs that's being bullied in any way at the school like they need to
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get their act together at that school because things happen kids are good at finding places like
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the playground and the lunchroom to be really mean and not get caught so the school needs to do better
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yeah oh god makes me want to throw up yeah okay thank you next question
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all right wait is your son's team like better now
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left that team great oh that's another thing we didn't talk about leave if if you feel like this is
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this is actually like not stretching me anymore this is unpleasant and almost like
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ruining my love of the sport or making it so that I'm like I don't know I think that's a personal
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decision but like I think it's sad but we we can also teach our kids you know there are times when
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you just take yourself out of a situation and I can help you and then when they get older they'll
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realize like I can leave this situation yeah yeah just exit the room or whatever it is I know it's
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so hard it's the worst I hate thinking of people being on kind oh my god it's there's nothing that
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like I think about that movie wonder and I just oh my just want to cry thinking about it I know
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so everyone in the world should watch that move everyone in the world should watch that movie
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it's so good it's a great family movie too if you haven't seen it with your kids I watched it like
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a year or two ago with my kids and my oldest are about to be 10 and 12 so they're like
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eight they were maybe I don't know it's so nine at the time it was great it's so good because then
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you can have these conversations because we should proactively like teach our kids not to just
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not bully people but to also make sure that we don't witness it and just walk away yeah totally
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to be like the sticking up the person who is in afraid to stick up for somebody who's like they're
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being marginalized and and the person who's like if that if that kid looks around the room and
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is trying to find a kind friend I will be that safe friend yes totally yeah my mom was really
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good about that one we were kids too she was like you definitely don't have to be friends with
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everybody you absolutely have to be nice to everybody and if you ever see somebody being treated
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mistreated by somebody else you have to say something to them that's so yeah let's just have
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everybody say that to their kids today I'm gonna say it to my kids all when they get home today too
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just remind them oh yeah you say those things though there are these things that we say to our kids
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like over and over and over again like you can't say them enough and you want them to be part of
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like the cornerstone of their value system you know yes their fabric their emotional fabric like
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never forget these principles and then it's like if you choose wisely the things that really
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matter to you and your household those values they know I can't like that's a line I'm not crossing
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like that makes me outside that that makes me misaligned with my own like core yeah who we are as a
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family yeah you start to feel bad even thinking about going against it right yeah and now for a quick
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which is like so of the moment to everybody's thinking about it talking about it both just like
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phones but also screen time so like screen time I think for little or kids and then like phones
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etc for for bigger kids like what's the question just like what are the limit what should be allowed
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what's wrong what's right what are we suggesting what's like
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well what are you what's your household rule well so first of all screen time let's just let me go
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out there and say that screen time was my very best friend which I did not anticipate when I
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when my kids were a little because I was like I was strict about like screen time and how
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frequently we would watch shows and stuff especially as a first time mom you're like I'm going to
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do this and I'm gonna do it right like you know you're really like strong out of the gates with all
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of the things that you want right but in my house like especially as my son was sit when my son was
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sick and he because for for whoever's listening my son have leukemia from the time he was three
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until he was six and after his treatment days and for weeks at times and months at times he was
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really unwell and there wasn't a whole lot he felt like doing a lot of the time other than
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lying on the couch and and I had a he was three my little one was one and there was a shit ton of
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Mickey Mouse Clubhouse being played and Paw Patrol being played in in the house and stuff and
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it didn't these like those two kids of mine specifically like hadn't or were okay with that I think
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it's like everything deserves nuance you know so like with your whatever circumstances that you
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are in specifically matters and and and which kid what kid you are matter what type of kid you have
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matters and that kind of thing so there is no like I don't think one size fits all equation for
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any of these questions correct right anything ever pretty much except for just be kind and stick
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except yeah yeah don't believe yeah I mean that was fine for them like if they didn't turn into zombies
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they were okay with that we had like it was structured in a way that was it felt like a structure
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like you can watch TV right now but then it was like a set time where we were going to turn the
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TV off and we were going to have a snack and go in the backyard like for a little while and then like
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you know whatever it was just it was a creation of structure around a time that there weren't a lot
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of rules for I created structure with like a very loose timeline around screens and stuff like that
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I mean everything that you said is true no matter what but like of course in no universe
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should you even consider worrying about something like screens if you're trying to figure out like
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how are we getting through this screens are like absolutely a fantastic way to have cozy time
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I mean it's not even a it's not even a question but you're absolutely right like you also have to
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know your family and your circumstances and what is screens taking away so you said something very
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important which is we're going to get outside we're going to have a snack like in general the problem
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with screens isn't the screens themselves and the problem with phones isn't the phones themselves
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it's what is it taking you away from and so outside of the extenuating circumstances of illness
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generally speaking you just want to make sure that no matter what your meal time and again caveat is
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if you have a kid who's not eating and sick and the screen is the only distraction that they can have
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then who care like nothing matters except for they need to get their nutrients and but if it's like
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a typically developing kid and all is going well you want to avoid screen time during meal time
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and sources of connection you want to make sure they're getting outside and getting exercise
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and you don't want to do it before bed or have screens or phones certainly in the bedroom and at night
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and then everything else like you can't overdo it if you have those limits like you just can't
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there's not enough hours in the day to to do all of that even with phones like I'm less worried
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if somebody is like I did let my seventh grader have a phone but they aren't allowed to have it at school
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they aren't allowed to look at it in the car when we're together driving they can't because that's
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like time to connect they can't use it during meal time they have to be outside an hour and a half
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a day and they need exercise and they have their homework and end and and they don't get to have it
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at night I'm not worried about them and they don't have social media and they don't have social
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but like what are they going to what could possibly be the issue the issue is that they'll be like
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now I want the social media now I want this now I want more time with it and you bend and I think
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that that's where screens get tricky is we forget that we we could just be like this is not
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working well I'm going to just take it away and I was it was too soon but I'm not I really think
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it's one of those things where we have more power than we realize to to make sure that screens don't
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take away from all of the wonderful things that need to happen and if they are we have tremendous
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power to take them away from our kids and say I think this isn't going well I'm making the call
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and it'll be they might be mad at you like you're not going to get buy-in necessarily and I don't
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think our kids need to agree with all of our rules yeah in my house what we've done around the
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phone thing instead of a sixth grader and a fourth grader and over the summer like and this was
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another question that I was kind of I can loop this in with what we're talking about because
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people are also asking about how to give your kids more autonomy and freedom in today's world
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where they need to be able to go out and do some things on their own and figure out like how to
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fail how to succeed just figure out how to do shit on on their own without your intervention constantly
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but also without being so free of like not knowing where they are at every second not having
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eyes on them constantly you're like that the fear that we all have now because of how much
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crazy shit goes on yeah but I guess so we decided I gave our kids like a we live in a safe place
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so that should be like the first thing what I say where I had like the ability to do that because
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of where we live like that was an easy decision for me to give them more autonomy like you can ride
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your bike to and from the activities that you have going on this summer and I'm not going to take
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you there and you're responsible for getting yourself back and forth and pretty much kind of
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occupy yourself for the day until I pick Lukey up at camp our little one and then we can all kind
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of come back together around 230 and because of that I let my fourth grader also get an apple watch
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so that we could be in touch if we needed to be yeah and my sixth grader already had one and my
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plan is to just use that as the mode of communication through pretty much high school but I found like
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it's really helpful I love that they have it I love that we can get in touch with each other it's
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a wonderful tool like they can keep in touch with their friends make plans with their friends
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autonomously without my intervention or having to like talk to the moms all the time other moms all
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the time and half the time like they forget about it like it's not a massive distraction so it's
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because if it doesn't have certain features on it it's just not that exciting right the only thing is
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is I think in the classroom I wouldn't want them to have it on because it's yeah they're not allowed
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to yeah like that's in those schools these days are pretty much on a cell phone ban I don't
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mean depending on where you are yeah I don't know yeah but I do think that that
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give giving them that like it's so great that you have the kind of neighborhood where you're just like
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okay yeah also makes your life so much better not everyone can do that like I don't live in a city
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you know I don't but even like in cities if you know your neighborhood well
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you know when you know the different checkpoints where you could be like go into this building or
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this store yeah if you need anything you know they can start being that like you might say 5th grade
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like in New York City I might be like you could start walking to school in 5th grade yeah we're
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taking the bus or like yeah how about transportation you know where to you know what buildings to go
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into or what stores to go into if you need anything there's so many people around I mean I'm such a
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city person that I actually feel safer in city than I do in the suburbs because I'm like
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where all the people yeah it's crazy I'm much I have such a psychotic alarm system in Los Angeles
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why crazy my security system yeah I'm just like it's so spread out kind of so spread out but
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my husband just got here and he's like what's this new thing that is like on the roof of the house
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that is so clearly like a giant camera with flashing light that has like an alarm system where the
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security guides if somebody comes on like through the gate it would say like you were of
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trespassed on this property then a alarm goes off it's so crazy but like if you put me in New York
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City I'm like don't even bring my key what is wrong with me I mean like I'm so it's just because I
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was in high school in New York City not in the suburbs yeah but I understand what you mean because
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there are there's like the there's so many people around to potentially like yeah
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step in help whatever if something were to go wrong yeah we have to we have to wrap up yeah
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we finished that part of the conversation or do you feel like we finished it no I think we can
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we can move on from it I mean there's so much shock around the phones and stuff there's so many
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resources out there now so many resources and I think we have to remember we are an amazing
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resource for our kids because we don't have to be afraid of of all of this like I do I love that
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my daughter's school pouches her phone I'm so grateful because then I don't have to think about
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all day you know screen it's going to be policing it but I also feel like I don't care how crazy
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my kids have said I am that I take their phones at night until my daughter got to college a few
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weeks ago she still had to give me her phone at night she was 18 I mean I was well like at that
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point I it wasn't a time because she was like by the time she was a senior in high school and 18
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years old it was like she she knew that by 11 o'clock she had to bring it into my room I was long
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asleep probably yeah that's what I mean like can you just go to sleep and make sure that they bring it
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in like yes because it was like a feature of our household and it was a non-negotiable and I was
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like or I could just keep your phone because you're not paying for it anyway so like you either give
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it to me before you go sleep or it's here when I wake up in the morning or you don't have a phone
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for a little while or whatever yeah so like this was it it was a non-issue because it was always
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the rule I just never from the time they had a phone and and if it's too late for somebody listening
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and they're like I can't do this because we didn't before I disagree if they're in your house you
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can say like new rule like I take the phone at night and your daughter goes to Harvard so and
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that's why I was I took the phone away and that is the that's the the key for everything I was
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gonna say like we won't get through these today because but there are several more questions
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I mean should we do it again follow up episode if you want to yeah it's their stuff about button
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pushing in backtalk sleep training talking to kids about shootings anxiety all of these other
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topics of things so we can we don't have to we could tease it for another time and I mean
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I talked about the things the next time are you asking to do a special Q&A series
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because now that I don't know what I'm doing it podcast anymore and like where can I
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to chat for long we can do it all day we'll we'll have a part two great we'll schedule it
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sometime podcast I'm so excited to do that I think it's so great you got great questions yeah
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there are probably a lot more now too because I only asked it like an hour ago and whatever two
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hours ago and and there we have tons more to go yeah a lot of people were also like I love this
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idea also yeah like we're so we're so great for each other we are I love you I love you
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please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and
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services individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products
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or services referred to in this episode
Topics Covered
Raising Good Humans Podcast
Dr. Lisa Pressman
Caitlin Murray
parenting advice
pushing kids to succeed
developmental psychology
academic challenges for children
importance of physical activity
family values in parenting
balancing achievement pressure
healthy development
encouraging children to try new things
overcoming discomfort in growth
supporting children's interests
navigating parenting challenges