Technology
Where is Stephanie?
In this follow-up episode, Stephanie shares her transformative journey towards healing and finding peace after a tumultuous past. She reflects on her experiences, the importance of safety, and the joy...
Where is Stephanie?
Technology •
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Interactive Transcript
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Welcome to our follow up episode, where is Stephanie now?
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If you have listened to Stephanie's journey, you know it hasn't been easy.
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However, you are going to hear how Stephanie is doing today, so let's get started.
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Hi, Steph.
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Hello, Lisa.
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I am very excited about this little bonus episode, honestly.
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I can't wait to talk to you about life now.
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It's been a year and a half, almost two year project for us.
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Yes.
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It's been a long one.
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It has been a long one, my friend.
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You've been an angel in helping me navigate this season one.
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I'm forever grateful to you.
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And I think it was really cool as we were talking a couple of months ago.
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It's like, you know what?
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It's a really tough story.
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Let's like have some celebrations on this gig.
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Yes, absolutely.
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So that's why we wanted to do this, where you now episode.
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And I hope that those of you who are listening to the season take the time to really hear this
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because there's some really great stuff here that brings the full story, full circle of what can happen when you can...
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There's hope.
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There's hope, exactly.
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So I'm going to kick us off with some questions.
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Yes, of course.
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Okay.
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When you think about your life today, what does the safety mean to you now?
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Interesting.
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So safety to me today.
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I've really felt safe in my life.
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So for me, currently it's peace in my life, peace with myself, peace with my surrounding, peace with those in my, you know, environment.
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Like it really is peace.
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It's something all my life that I hoped for.
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I knew it existed.
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I knew that it sounds hippie, but peace, love, and happiness.
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You know what I mean?
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Like these three things can exist inside of a person and in their life.
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And I am experiencing that now for the first time.
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I don't feel like there's this egg shell feeling of not knowing what's going to happen next in the worst of ways.
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When I go home, I always know what I'm going home to.
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It's not going home to somebody that could be happy, mad, sad, or ready to start a fight.
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There's so many ways my life feels peaceful now, which once again feels safe.
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And it doesn't mean moments of quietness.
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It just means an internal feeling of I can most the time expect that things are, they're okay.
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And that feels really good.
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Yeah. That totally makes that negative surprises.
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You know, they're not occurring as they used to.
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So it's kind of nice.
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What brings you peace or joy these days, even in small moments?
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Most things bring me peace and joy these days.
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It does not take much.
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Like I mentioned, peace is my safety.
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And joy is a daily occurrence.
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Waking up with my partner in the morning, brings me joy, owning my own business.
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That's full of amazing human beings, brings me joy.
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Seeing my child take care of their well-being and take care of their own healing,
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journey to recover from trauma brings me great joy.
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Watching all the animal videos that my partner sends me every day brings me incredible joy.
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So yeah, experiencing our community come together to help each other.
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And you know, the list goes on.
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There's so many things that bring me joy.
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Seeing the sun, seeing the sunrise, the sunset, having beautiful humans in my life,
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like you that I get to have a relationship with, I really feel like I'm just naturally more of a joyful person.
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And so now that I have peace and safety, the joy seems to just come so much more natural
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because I'm not full of anxiety.
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Yeah, I see that in you every time I see you.
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Seriously, every time I walk in your business, every time we get together,
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you're just always exuding that.
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It's pretty amazing.
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Well, thank you.
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Has your definition of normal change then?
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Well, my definition of normal was probably, I don't know if I ever had one,
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because I've never felt like anything was normal.
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Even when I didn't know it was wrong, it wasn't normal.
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That was for sure.
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I've never felt normal.
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I don't think I have either.
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I know, like now I'm like, if somebody asks me, you know, like, oh, what's normal?
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I just don't know if there is a normal.
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I think my normal personally is living my life to the fullest capacity that I can right now
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and supporting people in my business, supporting my community.
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Do you feel like you're still surviving or have you begun to like truly live now?
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I am definitely living.
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Life is good. It keeps getting better.
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I have been in survival mode most of my life as you've heard the story.
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And I think that's where the anxiety is gone now.
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And that's where the peace comes in and is safety because I'm getting to live now.
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I'm not in survival mode all the time or ever actually.
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I mean, I have to survive politics.
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I have to survive things going on in the world and mentally protect myself as much as I can
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from things that are not in my control, but as far as my personal life and my surroundings,
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I am living and loving it.
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I see it. So you're telling the truth.
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I am.
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Okay, so ask anybody.
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I really love this question.
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If you could sit with the version of yourself from the beginning of the season,
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what would you want to say to her now?
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That's a good one, Lisa.
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Yes, because this has been quite the journey together doing this.
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We've done some hard things through this podcast.
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Yes.
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I would say to her, because as you know, we went to Texas in Louisiana,
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which were two of the places that a lot of the very traumatic events in my life happened.
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And so that was a really challenging thing to do for me.
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And so I would tell her, if you go to Texas in Louisiana for this podcast,
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it's going to be painful and healing.
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Just remember, you'll never have to go again.
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And I really mean that.
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Seriously, though, this is just another part of your healing way harder than you'll ever expect.
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It's going to be hard to get through your story, but it's exactly what you need to do.
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That's what I would have told her.
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Because as hard as this has been, I have never had my story in chronological order.
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I've never spent as much time putting the details together, researching, you know,
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just parts of my life that were kind of absent almost.
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And I think that has been very healing for me to have a start to finish.
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And I know we recorded hours and hours and hours of details and life story that, you know,
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are never going to make it onto the podcast.
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But for me personally, I hope to be able to have those recordings for my own, you know,
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personal self.
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I feel like just being able to tell this start to finish,
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it just gave me kind of like a closure and a little bit of an ending to that part
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that obviously it's always going to be with me.
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It's my memory, but it's not who I am.
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And it was really nice to close this chapter in such a solid way.
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I mean, it's a recorded, it's for the public.
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I mean, who gets to do that, right?
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Who gets to do that with their life?
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Yeah, and it's tough.
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I mean, I've throughout this process, I mean, there were some panic attacks, there was some depression,
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you know, some physical things that happened.
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And I don't regret any of that because I feel like it was just that next heart thing to do
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to just get even better now.
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And so going back, telling Stephanie, from the beginning, when we started recording,
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like I said, my biggest thing would be like, you don't have to go back to Texas and Louisiana after you're done.
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But I don't want to go back to the places that I grew up.
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I think those days are over.
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I was able to say goodbye to a lot of people in the cemetery, you know, like my meme, my pop, pop things like that.
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And I felt like I was being able to say goodbye to them because I knew I wouldn't come back and be able to visit.
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And so I'm glad I did it.
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I'm glad we went, but I'm so happy I don't have to do it again.
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Yeah, I can imagine on that weekend, is there anything specifically that sticks out to you and that you really glad you did that?
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Absolutely.
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First of all, I'm glad that we went back to those places.
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And I had you and your partner and then my partner, I've never felt safe in those places.
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And I felt safe rehashing some very hard things and being in the presence of those places was, you know what I mean?
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It's very real. There were feelings that came flooding back.
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And so for me, feeling comfort with the people I was within those places was really special.
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Also visiting Louisiana, we did stop and visit some people that I knew that I still have a lot of love for in my heart.
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And to hear the love that they had for me, I think was really important.
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I needed to hear that. I needed to hear what they had to say. And that was really special as well.
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And one other, gosh, there's so many moments actually.
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I mean, when I was 13, 12 years old, whatever's sitting on that bridge, you know, where I would look at the turtles.
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So many times I said turtles and I hope we don't end up making a tagline out of that.
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No, like places like that where I felt those emotions and I felt the feelings of myself as a teenager, I hadn't really sat in that place since then.
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And I hadn't sat in those feelings. There was something really transformative being able to let that out, like that emotion in those moments, in the places where they happened and walk away from them, feeling a little bit more cleansed of it, feeling closure from it.
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It was a hard revisit to a lot of these places, but it was also very therapeutic for me.
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Would you recommend doing that to someone who's been, whose story is a tough one?
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I would only recommend it if somebody has the advice from their therapist that it's okay and that maybe has some coping skills to deal with what's going to happen.
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And they have people that can help hold them up in times of despair throughout those journeys.
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I don't recommend just doing it to do it. I think you have to be at a place in your life where you're ready for it. And if you're never ready for it, that's okay too.
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I don't know if I would have ever done that without this podcast and you saying, hey, let's go and do this. And it took me a second to say yes.
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It was not an easy yes, but I wanted so badly to push.
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And I will say that was one of the harder parts of this because when I came back, I about a week later had a pretty severe panic attack.
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It was a lot to go through. And so I wouldn't recommend it unless somebody really needs that or if there's a reason for it and they have the support they need to hold them through it.
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Yeah. Some people have given me feedback on the audio from that trip and how much that's been like some of the most powerful parts of the story as they've listened to it.
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So I'm really grateful you did that because I really think it helps people see the healing.
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Yes.
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And facing that was just massive and you trusted us. I'm so grateful for that because if that wasn't the case, I'd be feeling like a real shithead.
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So I'm glad you're doing the real thing.
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So are there any survival strategies that you've outgrown?
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Absolutely.
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So survival strategies. I've always been in survival mode.
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I used to like just keep running to escape. I was moving all the time getting married over and over again, which I know sounds ridiculous.
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But at the time that was a survival strategy for me holding on to everything. So it looks like I'm okay on the outside was a survival strategy.
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Now I don't have to use those survival strategies because I don't need to.
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Although I'm currently not in therapy monthly in a time of crisis, that would still be my go to is going to therapy and trying to get advice on how to get through something versus just a survival strategy.
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I feel like now I've been able to leave those behind and actually have more of a life strategy because I'm not in survival mode.
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Good word, life strategy.
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I think it's changed for me that definitely it's a different yeah, I'm not in survival mode.
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I would have some of my closest friends across the country ask me like there was a lot of moving going on. Why do you think she moved so much?
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My escape and running was my survival strategy a lot of times.
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It's illustrated so well with the way you shared it for the listener because they get it.
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My one friend that's just been glued to this and saying can you please just shoot me the episode and just let me listen to it.
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And I'm like no, I'm not doing that. She's like I'm starting to understand she just said this on like two episodes ago. I'm starting to understand her.
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Oh, I'm starting to understand these decisions because she like every listener would be like come on.
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Right. Right. And you know that.
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Yeah, you know, that's a risk one of the biggest risks you took in telling your story because people were going to have moments of judgment.
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Yes. And you were like you can judge me but you'll see why I did the things I did.
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I'm hoping it creates more understanding and people that sometimes when we don't understand why somebody is doing something so destructive,
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it might be because they don't know what else to do. They don't have the life skills or the tools from childhood or anything to even know how to navigate.
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And so we need to have compassion. It's so true. And when you started the beginning and you show each chapter of your life and how you didn't learn those skills,
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I had a very emotional phone call a couple weeks ago and she was like I'm I'm so mad at myself for not being more understanding of people.
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You changed one person just to see you know, well, I would say don't be mad at yourself because once again, we are all learning.
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We all have to have patients. We all have to have understanding for ourselves too when we don't I mean, we don't know that there's ignorance.
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You know, life is busy and we're overwhelmed with being bombarded with information all the time and stress, you know, just from the outside world, not in our own personal lives.
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I think it's great to realize that you need more understanding and sympathy and compassion for people, but also definitely don't beat yourself up about it because that's growth, you know, and that should be something you should be proud of.
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And that's so amazing that you would say that as a response to her, like that's full of love. That's really cool stuff. You're cool.
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Is there a moment during the journey that you now see differently than you did when it happened?
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Yes, I see myself differently throughout my entire life. I never had self worth or self love.
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Once I was able to find a great therapist, that was one of the first things she started teaching me and I know that sounds insane, but I remember the first time she told me, you know, I'm about taking care of myself or being selfish and I burst out into tears because I was like, I can't do that.
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Like selfishness negative. And she's the one that taught me that it could be such a positive thing because we're taking care of ourselves first, which makes us better for anything else we're doing and anybody else.
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But self love was something I had never really experienced and that was one of the biggest changes for me is to start loving and accepting me.
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And because of that, you know, all the good things happen after that.
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Once I had a great therapist, that is something that I learned to do.
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Is it easy? Absolutely not. I still have moments of intrusive thoughts, but now I have the tools to combat them or I have people in my life that help me snap out of those lies.
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You know that our mind tries to tell us. It's a constant retraining of the mind after years of abuse, but now the love I have for myself,
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it outweighs the times that I have to fight the negative thoughts. At one point, it was constant self-deprecation daily.
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And that is something I don't have to deal with daily. It's rejuvenating to feel the difference in myself over time.
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And so having lived a life without that and now retraining my brain, you know, basically because that wasn't a natural thing for me to self love has been a beautiful experience.
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And I would highly recommend it for anybody. Love yourself. It's so important.
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Do you remember the first thing you loved about yourself?
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Oh my goodness. I think the first thing I loved about myself was that I was willing to get help.
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And I, because if I wasn't willing to do that or didn't even know how to, I might have just kept going down a path of escape and running, you know.
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And so one of the biggest things I loved about myself at that time was being strong enough to find a way to get help, even though I didn't even know it was wrong or what that meant or even that I had trauma.
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I really thank myself for having the courage to do that and having the courage to start loving myself so I could get through this.
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Because without that self love, I could not have gotten through the healing process.
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It took every bit in me to get through that.
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So as your therapist, listen to this season.
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I don't know. I graduated from therapy not too long ago. I just want to say I didn't even know that was a thing.
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Obviously I still have this, you know, therapist. If I ever need I can, you know, reach out, but we are not in therapy any longer.
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But as soon as this is, you know, wrapped up, I'm going to definitely just send her the whole season.
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Yeah. I think she'll probably listen to it. So that's the last shout out to you if you listen.
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Because you know, such a wonderful person on this journey.
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Incredible. So some relationships were lost along the way. Have any come back and do you want them to?
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I feel like most relationships that were lost along the way were not meant to be in my life in the first place.
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So nothing has come back because that is my boundary.
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I do have hopes that my oldest child will open communication again one day.
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I also think about my sister frequently. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I do wonder if there might be hope for connection one day.
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I'm just still, I'm not sure what that looks like for me.
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Obviously, when my oldest child, I open arms, welcome that communication.
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My sister, I know, would welcome me communicating with them, but I am still in a position where just very self protective, honestly.
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And not that she would do anything to harm that.
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I just know that there's still a lot of family on that side that she might speak with and be a part of their lives.
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And I'm just not willing to cross that bridge. So you love her so much.
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I do. You throughout the season, it's your oldest child and she are the ones that really you hear your emotion, you hear your heart.
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Because it has been something that has been lost, you know, and it is one thing I would love to regain again.
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And I do have a lot of hope for it.
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I do too. I'm getting to know you so much. I just feel like that's just going to happen.
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The universe is going to bring it to you and to them.
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Yeah.
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Are there people you wish could hear the podcast and why?
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Well, when we first went into this, I was very set on my dad.
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I was like, I am sending this to my dad.
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I want him to hear this and understand where I come from and what that meant and blah, blah, blah.
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As this is gone on, I honestly decided that it doesn't matter to me.
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I don't know if he could process or if he would even be able to listen.
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So I don't know if it would make a difference.
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Plus, you know, he chose a life and I chose a different one.
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And I wish him all the happiness, but I'm just not sure the truth of my story would come across anyway.
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And so I kind of let that go.
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My hope is that anyone listens to this literally anyone.
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Anyone who needs to hear they are not alone, no matter what they're going through, whether it's my story, you know, specifically,
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or it's their own story that's completely different, you know, I mean, we all have so many different things that happen.
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And I feel like people need to feel like they're not alone, first of all, just in trauma and general or in life.
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And anyone who doesn't even recognize that they have experienced trauma, they definitely, I hope, get their hands on this because that was a wake-up call for me personally.
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It was understanding trauma in the first place.
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That really impacts a lot in your life when you start unloading that.
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Anyone who wants to have more compassion and understanding, like I said before, for those who have had a different upbringing or different experiences, I feel like we do so quickly judge.
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And one thing my therapist taught me is that even when there's trauma or mental health issues or anything like that, it still doesn't make their, you know, a path for an excuse of bad behavior.
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Like, you know, people hurting you or taking advantage of you is still not okay.
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But I do hope people can have compassion, even if they can't be in somebody's life because they are self-destructive.
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I hope they have compassion to maybe understand where they're coming from and why.
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And hopefully those things change one day and reconnect people.
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But I really feel like even if people have had just a wonderful upbringing, hearing something like this can expose them to what somebody else might have gone through.
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And maybe the reasons they do silly things sometimes that you don't understand.
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And I think the more love in our hearts that we have for each other, the better the world would be anyway.
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So I hope once again that anyone who's questioning a religious abuse, I feel like kind of on the forefront right now of being a thing, it's coming out more, being talked about more.
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Religious abuse is so painful. I mean, and it's how you're raised and what you've been brought up to believe it's part of your being.
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That can be an extreme conflict inside, very confusing.
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And so I hope that when people don't understand that they might have religious abuse in their life, I hope they listen to something like this.
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And maybe at least question it. So yeah, I just, I really hope people get their hands on this and either spread it to others that needed or, you know, just hopefully gain at least some education even on how to handle situations with people that might be going through something.
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I just think it could be good for mostly anyone.
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You'd made a really great point. Those who haven't come back come from a very traumatic background like yours.
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The value this brings to them. The story is for you too. The story is is non-discriminative, right? It's for everyone.
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And those are the ones that usually have the power to create things to help. They have the money, they have the ability to help people who have come from situations.
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And the people with the resources we need to have the understanding of the challenge. So we can start helping.
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What does forgiveness look like for you? What does it mean?
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Well, this is always an interesting one because everybody has their own idea of forgiveness and what that means. But for me, I was reading a definition, like definitions of forgiveness.
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And one that really sticks out to me is to cease to feel resentment against.
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And so that is what forgiveness is to me. I don't feel resentment for most of the people, any of the people who have harmed me.
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But I do feel compassion for them. It's unfortunate that years of generational trauma keeps getting passed down in families.
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But I don't hold resentment for that.
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Even though I make a joke like there's one of my exes that I'm not sure I can forgive, I still don't resent them. And I will not let that I don't want resentment.
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I want to forgive. I want to free myself from resentment. So it's not eating at me because this is about me now.
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And this is about my own self love and self respect. And if I'm harboring all this resentment, it's not going to do anything good for me.
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And so yeah, I'm just forgiveness is focusing on me, letting resentment go. Never forgetting what's happened, never wanting to see most of the people look into my life.
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I don't want to see any of my exes. Not resentment. It's just it's part of the story and it's it's done. And I am free.
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Have you found any new support systems or adjust one person since recording the podcast?
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Well, my support systems are already in place before the podcast. So I haven't added anything new necessarily as many people as I've had that have been my quotation marks just one person through my life.
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I still owe the OG just one person, which is my Mimi and my pop pop. I am yeah, they're the OGs and will always be with me.
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At this point in my life, I'm trying to give back though more so than adding more support systems and just one person to myself.
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I'm trying to start giving back through like fundraising, mentorships and providing safe spaces through my business and stuff. So yeah, that's where my my focus is right now.
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I have the support systems I need in place and I have the people in my life that I need now it's my time to be able to get back to others and that's my focus.
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Does it cross your mind like, oh my God, I made it here. This is amazing. Do you ever have moments like that?
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I am grateful every day I walk through the doors of my business. I'm grateful every day I walk through the doors of my home.
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I really have a lot of gratitude in my heart. I get very emotional. We recently had a fundraiser and I had to go in the back room and ball my eyes out for a second.
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Yeah, it was amazing.
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Because I was overwhelmed with emotion. Honestly, because of gratitude and thankfulness in the community that came together.
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And so on some small scale or large scale, I am grateful every day. And these are dreams that I had.
spk_0
And these are things that I wanted to do and I kept wondering why I never could get to them. I would try.
spk_0
I was always trying to find a space to house a salon or I was always trying to find somebody to mentor things like that.
spk_0
But it just my life was so. It was such upheaval that I didn't have any. I mean, I didn't have anything to give.
spk_0
And I think that's why it kept falling through before. And now that I have taken care of me, it's opened up the opportunity to be able to do all of these things that I've always wanted to do.
spk_0
But also do it in a way that I am still healthy as well. And it seems to flow so much easier because of that.
spk_0
Is there a boundary you've recently honored that you're proud of?
spk_0
Honestly, I'm not sure. I believe that I've surrounded myself with people who honor my boundaries now. And so it's not something I have to celebrate as much any longer.
spk_0
But instead I just get to live my life because I am living in my boundaries comfortably.
spk_0
It's not something I have to think about as much. I remember in 2021 when I realized what boundaries were and read this book.
spk_0
And it was amazing. And I cried through the first four or five chapters.
spk_0
But now I've made it a part of my life. So it definitely weeds out what shouldn't be there pretty quickly.
spk_0
And I don't have people trying to push those boundaries all the time. I don't think I have to celebrate them for that reason.
spk_0
That's a really good point. Like if we have people around us that are constantly trying to push our boundaries, it's really telling.
spk_0
It's a red flag immediately. When I read a book about boundaries in 2000, it's like 2021 right there in that time frame.
spk_0
I don't know why it was so shocking, but I had no idea what boundaries actually meant.
spk_0
I had no idea that they were the thing that could protect me from people that didn't have good intentions.
spk_0
It can stop it in its track because if you don't let people cross those boundaries, it shows you really quick who doesn't have good intentions.
spk_0
And so like I said, I live in my boundaries now and the people in my life, they don't push that.
spk_0
And so I don't have to celebrate it anymore. It's just a part of every day, you know, good life.
spk_0
Do you ever feel a little bit of sadness about your boundaries, even though they're needed and they must be in play?
spk_0
Because for me, boundaries have taken away some good things, but they didn't outweigh the bad things.
spk_0
Oh, I see what you mean. I can't think of anything off the top of my head.
spk_0
I think for you, I think you're spot on.
spk_0
The only boundary that I might cross is with myself and that's waking up in the morning and exercising.
spk_0
And sometimes that boundary is completely void.
spk_0
Even so I need to have a chat with myself, I think, because I'm the one pushing the boundaries at this point.
spk_0
That's hilarious. That's good.
spk_0
So what part of yourself are you really reclaiming right now?
spk_0
We all have this and we all have, you know, random weeks or days where we're trying to reclaim something.
spk_0
What is yours right now?
spk_0
It was funny that you asked after saying that last thing.
spk_0
Right now, I'd have to say it's my body, my actual physical body.
spk_0
It's been a constant effort to reclaim my physical body with everything I've gone through, stress takes such a toll.
spk_0
So after years of trauma, you know, the body, my body took a hit.
spk_0
I know you had mentioned earlier in this podcast about the body keeps the score.
spk_0
That was a book I had such a hard time getting through.
spk_0
It's such a hard read, but so, so good at the same time because it really shows you what happens in trauma and stress and what happens to our body.
spk_0
And my body went through some pretty horrific stress and some pretty horrific trauma that I held onto for a long time.
spk_0
And so in 2022 and 23, you know, healing journey was really being manifested in like the positive.
spk_0
You know, we're turning over to that positively if I was starting to get some energy back, things like that.
spk_0
That was the best my body had ever felt.
spk_0
And then I hit Perry Menopause and I was like, thanks, I got one year of feeling like real good.
spk_0
And then Perry Menopause hit.
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And so I'm having to refocus on reclaiming my body.
spk_0
And currently I'm just trying to do my best to take care of myself and in this new time in my life through Menopause, which that's not fun.
spk_0
I'm not going to lie.
spk_0
I was talking to my therapist about Menopause more than anything over this last six months.
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And I think she's like, well, yeah, I think you're good now.
spk_0
You got to go.
spk_0
You know, your body changes so much and because mine was already in a place of reclaiming, I feel like I'm trying to reclaim it again after the Perry Menopause hit my body tends to be pretty sensitive to anything like stress changes, things like that.
spk_0
And so I am determined this year to reclaim that.
spk_0
I've made a lot of good changes so far and the boundary I keep pushing with myself to get out of it and get some exercise is something that, you know, I'm about to deal with.
spk_0
Well, it's true.
spk_0
You have really your body does take a hit.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
That's been one of the most fascinating things for me in this process is how much that has happened, like throughout your life.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
I've had IBS since I was a very young child and so those things don't get better with trauma.
spk_0
You know, it's like one thing leads to the other and I've held on to so much stress for most of my life.
spk_0
And you know, it definitely, my body was not in a good place when I came out of my last relationship physically.
spk_0
And I'm really thankful that it's held me up this long and I really would love to give back to it in a positive way.
spk_0
Well, I think you look fabulous, darling.
spk_0
Well, thank you.
spk_0
I do. You look fabulous.
spk_0
I want to feel fabulous inside that.
spk_0
I hear you.
spk_0
That's what I'm going for.
spk_0
That's the hard part.
spk_0
And some of that I know is Perry Metapos, but we're finding.
spk_0
I'm not going to know.
spk_0
spk_0
So what do you hope listeners take away from your story, especially those in like the sick of what you went through, like they, they don't even know what it's like to get out of it.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
That's a tough one because I remember being completely buried, you know, when I was in the thick of it, you don't see what's going on because you don't even have the energy or the brain space to think everything's cloudy.
spk_0
And so for the listeners that are in their own traumatic events and might not even realize it, I hope they hear this and it helps them question their past and present situations.
spk_0
At least that question's igniting like, you know, for me, I would remember asking myself am I crazy?
spk_0
Like, why does this keep happening?
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What is wrong with me?
spk_0
Those are the questions that it started.
spk_0
It wasn't like what's wrong with my ex, what's wrong with this or that?
spk_0
It was like, what's wrong with me?
spk_0
And there was a lot wrong.
spk_0
I was just overdosed with stress and drama that I was holding on to all my life and never had help.
spk_0
And so just igniting those little questions I think can lead to more questions and more possibilities and hopefully open up your mind.
spk_0
That would be my hope for people in the thick of it that at least it sparks a question.
spk_0
My hope for them also is to have the courage to believe in themselves and trust that gut feeling that something isn't right even when they're unaware of what it might be.
spk_0
I was always unaware, but you start, you feel those things.
spk_0
It's like you got to trust yourself.
spk_0
I hope they find people also to trust, you know, in their own lives to help them navigate these hard times and free themselves from trauma and get help and healing because doing it by yourself is not easy.
spk_0
You need, you need your support system in place, whether that's just one person in a literal sense or that's just one person in a community sense.
spk_0
You need, you need people to help you, you need healthy people, you don't need people that are going through the same thing you're going through, you need to find people that are healthy and that you can rely on to give you the truth when you really need it and to support you when you really need it.
spk_0
So strength is something they're going to need people that hear this that are in the thick of it.
spk_0
I also hope they find the strength to create change in the patience to find healing.
spk_0
It's not easy to get out of a toxic environment and it's not easy to see our trauma when it's how we've grown up.
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So you've got to be patient, you've got to love yourself, you've got to have understanding and forgiveness for yourself.
spk_0
All of these are important through the ups and downs when you're trying to break free.
spk_0
My wish is for more stories like mine also and so many others to flood our listening platforms.
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So we are raising awareness because the more voices we have, the more support we can help create.
spk_0
The more understanding for others, we can help create the more questions. Hopefully we can help create for people that are in the thick of it.
spk_0
So I really hope for those that are in their own circumstances that at least it helps them question what they need or allow them to help them get to somebody else that might can help them pose those questions.
spk_0
Is there one question you could tell someone to ask themself to get a little more granular?
spk_0
Is there a question you could say, ask yourself this question. Maybe this can help you see where you're at and that could help you get out.
spk_0
I mean, first it's like just the small question of, do I feel okay?
spk_0
I mean, do I feel hurt? Do I feel like I've lost some of myself? Do I feel like I can't think straight?
spk_0
Do I feel unhappy? I mean, that leads to that next question. If you can just answer one small question for yourself, then that can free you up to answer the next one.
spk_0
And once again, getting out especially when it comes to abusive like domestic abuse situations, very hard. There's a lot of fear.
spk_0
My first marriage was case in point of that where we told him the story earlier, I did try to run one time and get away and it made it worse.
spk_0
So I'm not saying flip the table and tell this person you're leaving or anything like that. You need to have your support system set in place.
spk_0
It's important when you start asking yourselves these questions, you also have to start getting really smart about creating the opportunity to get out safely.
spk_0
Putting a plan together. Yes. And that's where talking to someone that you trust, even if it's a hotline, I know that you're providing hotlines and I'm sure on social media, there'll be extra resources for people to have because sometimes people don't have people close by.
spk_0
They've been isolated. I was isolated so many times. That's why all I knew was just to run because I couldn't go to anyone. And so if you don't have anyone, you're just one person might be a resource hotline.
spk_0
I mean, it could literally be anything. Start questioning yourself, find a resource, make a plan, keep it to yourself, try to keep walking on the eggshells in your house until you've got to go to the place.
spk_0
You've got that plan ready. And when you are ready, you give it everything you've got every bit of strength to the tips of your toes, you well it up, you gather it together and you do what you have to do and you never look back.
spk_0
So many people end up getting back into that same situation they came from or a new one like myself, make sure you get the help you need after you find yourself free of these things.
spk_0
Make sure you get the help you need to stay free.
spk_0
Fantastic advice. And again, as you listen to the season, you hear that. You hear all this depth you took in the lessons you didn't learn and then the lessons you started to learn.
spk_0
It's such a great example of what can happen and you can learn from this story.
spk_0
And I thought I was learning a lot of lessons each time and getting better and then I realized I just knew nothing and kept trying to escape. It's hard. It's really hard.
spk_0
Luckily, I ended up with some people in my life that that was my help because I never thought of resources on a hotline. I never thought I mean most of the time throughout my younger history.
spk_0
I didn't have the accessibility to have like a computer right at my fingertips even or a place to have I didn't have a cell phone half the time.
spk_0
I'm honestly so it's not like I could just sneak off and make a phone call, you know.
spk_0
So I feel like there's you had trauma a lot of that. No, I think there's a lot of resources now and one resource can lead to another resource in theirs community and there's help.
spk_0
In place these days and so I do feel more hopeful for people trying to get out of these horrible situations.
spk_0
I feel like there is hope for sure. I love that. It's very good advice.
spk_0
What dreams do you feel are possible now that you didn't before? Oh my goodness. I feel like most dreams are possible now that weren't in the past.
spk_0
So I'm already living my dreams. I will continue to do so knowing me. I'll continually find some more dreams to stack on to strive towards the possibilities truly are endless.
spk_0
And I really am living my dreams. I've always dreamt of having a salon and being able to do fundraising for a community and having a partner that adds to my life versus taking away.
spk_0
I mean having a beautiful place to live and a roof for my head. There's so many beautiful dreams that have already come true.
spk_0
And I think it's because I finally created space in my life to have that happen. And I've worked really hard for it.
spk_0
It's not like these things just happened automatically after I started getting better. I have worked really, really hard to get to where I am right now with the help of just a beautiful community.
spk_0
I'm thankful for the help of the community of friends and family. And so I am thankful for every dream that I'm accomplishing currently. And for every dream that I know is to come.
spk_0
I'm trying not to get frustrated with myself in a way that is not helping me because once again, in truth of thoughts, things like that. I work on daily.
spk_0
But I want to just help me be the best I can so I can accomplish the things I want to accomplish. And a lot of that is for community and other people.
spk_0
I have a lot of things that I want to give back at this point. And so I need the energy to do that. And I need to take care of my body to do that.
spk_0
That's crazy that you want to give back with everything you've been through in your life. But you want to give back. That's why you made it out because your heart and your soul is so freaking amazing.
spk_0
I feel like it's all I've ever wanted to do. I've always wanted some place in life to be able to help others. And I never could do that because I needed help for myself first.
spk_0
And I'm so incredibly thankful that in this lifetime, I've been able to get the help I needed. So I can help others in a constructive way and not be depleting myself even more.
spk_0
I really, really am thankful that I have a platform now in my life to be able to do things for our community and for people even individually. I'm really thankful for that.
spk_0
You're in the process of building like an incredible give back mecca of fabulousness. This fundraiser, you just had close to $3,000, bringing people together.
spk_0
It was so full of love that room, the energy, the music. It was epic.
spk_0
Like I said, I had to go in the back room and cry. I was so full of just joy and gratitude.
spk_0
I didn't realize it was going to be an emotional thing for you because it's so effortless looking.
spk_0
I don't get to see behind the scenes.
spk_0
Right. And so that really touched me. But I asked you after that to tell me, what are you building? What's your mission statement?
spk_0
What do you mind reading? What you sent to me? It's pretty amazing.
spk_0
Sparking creativity and community. Our goal is to foster a sense of community and develop relationships with that community.
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By using our artistic skills, we aim to spread joy and infuse our surroundings with love and kindness. We uplift ourselves, support one another and extend our help to those around us.
spk_0
And this is my salon. This is the foundation of it. It's not just a hair salon. It is a community. It is an outreach.
spk_0
It is a place of safety. And it is a place of business. And so to have all of those things under one roof has been one of the most rewarding experiences.
spk_0
I have the most amazing staff. I have the most amazing clients. I have the most amazing supporters.
spk_0
It is just an absolute beautiful experience to see it come together.
spk_0
Yeah, it is. Anybody that gets to walk in those doors are very fortunate. I know firsthand.
spk_0
I love that it's in my neighborhood. It's amazing.
spk_0
I do want to wrap up on one thing that really we didn't get to talk about much throughout the season. And that is your music.
spk_0
Oh, yeah.
spk_0
I remember hearing from one of your friends was, you know, you grew up in the church playing music. You wrote music. You sang music.
spk_0
You wrote all the instruments and you put together pieces of music. You did all the music for the church.
spk_0
And you're an incredibly talented musician across the board. You're play piano, guitar, and you sing and you create all these things.
spk_0
And then when you started healing, you didn't know where that fell in your life.
spk_0
And so when you grew up in the church with music and it's such a part of you. And you wrote the theme song to the season, Preacher's Daughter.
spk_0
Yes, I did.
spk_0
It's unbelievable. Beautiful. And there's another piece of music that you wrote that we went into the studio for that is possibly my favorite piece.
spk_0
And it's played at one of the episodes in the background, not as much as I wanted it to be a part of the episode.
spk_0
If it was up to me, we would have recorded the whole album that you've written about your life and use that music throughout the whole podcast, but that just wasn't possible.
spk_0
We ran out of time, you guys. We did. And so with that, I want to know, because that music is all about your trauma, right? And all about your life before now.
spk_0
What does this next era of music look like for you?
spk_0
My music in the past, actually, it was my therapy as I think we talked about in the podcast.
spk_0
And so a lot of it was about trauma. There's a lot of songs that sound cool and you want to like kind of move a hip or whatever.
spk_0
And then you realize like the lyrics are really jarring.
spk_0
But for me, that was my form of expression in a time that I didn't realize I even need it.
spk_0
And so I think that was very therapeutic for me. So it is about my trauma.
spk_0
I would love to have an album and call it the preacher's daughter. I think somebody already did it unfortunately.
spk_0
But I would love to put that together and one like trauma-filled album. I think that's horrible.
spk_0
Well, you know what? I wish we had every one of those songs. Like some of the titles of the songs were Uncle Disassociate Broken, where my mom was suicidal.
spk_0
And yeah, I talk about that in the song. Like I already I'm already broken from childhood.
spk_0
So yeah, a lot of a lot of songs that maybe aren't easy to listen to, but they were my therapy and I have enjoyed playing them.
spk_0
But now as we move forward, I have noticed that some of the music is definitely changing.
spk_0
I am not writing about my trauma now as much. I am starting to write some things that are fun.
spk_0
We did our first little dance song last year. I don't know if that's what you would call it.
spk_0
We did it for Pride Weekend. And it was a huge hit. And it was about love. And it was just quirky and dancing.
spk_0
And so that was a first for me. I've never done that.
spk_0
And then I've also started writing music that's a little, it's like angry and empowering because we do rock.
spk_0
And so, but it's it's it's targeted towards the abusers and the people that are victimizing others instead of me telling my personal story.
spk_0
Now I'm starting to unleash some anger on these other people, hopefully creating awareness through music too that these things are not okay.
spk_0
Yeah. And we got to do something about this. So yeah, there's going to be some more fun in the music.
spk_0
And there's also going to be some some anger towards people that aren't, you know, that maybe deserve a little anger towards them.
spk_0
So hopefully to empower people that need it. So I want to give people that they can fight songs. Yeah. Exactly.
spk_0
That's exactly what it is. There is one song that it's called Parasite.
spk_0
And I've had so many people every time I play that one, they are like everything and then wants to like sing and yell it with me.
spk_0
Because it is directed towards the abuser and it's it's it's I'm literally singing screaming out fuck you.
spk_0
And people really resonate with that when I've noticed that has been one of my one of the favorites amongst people.
spk_0
You have to go record a full album and then we're going to do a podcast episode about your album and what's behind each song.
spk_0
And by then we'll have millions of followers. There we go. And you'll just like rock it out.
spk_0
I love this. And each song does have a story. The music has been such a lovely journey after doing so much music and church.
spk_0
I did for years not play right anything because I was lost and know what to I'd never been able to play secular music.
spk_0
I'd never been able to listen to secular music. You know, anything outside of the church. And so I just thought at the time I was anointed by God at one point.
spk_0
So obviously I don't know how to do it now. And so you're done. Yeah. It's time changed.
spk_0
And I met a beautiful friend over time that was also a piano teacher and the theme song creatures daughter.
spk_0
That was the first song I wrote after she encouraged me to start writing.
spk_0
It was the first song I brought to her in my piano lesson. And I said I wrote this. Would you like to listen?
spk_0
And it was a very emotional time when I played that for the first time for her to.
spk_0
And she's one of my best friends now. But it is kind of wild having that be the song of the season.
spk_0
Preacher's daughter. When I that was my first song I wrote outside of the church again because somebody was a person.
spk_0
They were just one person. That's right. On at least it was just one person. Yeah.
spk_0
Showed me how to utilize my skills outside of a church setting. And I really am forever grateful for that.
spk_0
Yeah. She's yeah. She's been such a rock for me.
spk_0
I love that so much. She's a talented musician. She has a very talented musician.
spk_0
Well, you are too. You make me cry every time. So you're amazing. Thank you so much.
spk_0
Thank you, Lisa. I really appreciate this opportunity to have a platform
spk_0
to be able to tell what I've been through from start to finish in hopes that maybe this will help somebody else one day too.
spk_0
Because I was helped so much by people that were vulnerable in these these places and you know put their stories, you know publicly for others to hear.
spk_0
And it's what encouraged me to do the same. And you really you provided a safe space to do this.
spk_0
You have been such a wonderful friend through this this past two years together.
spk_0
And I know our friendship obviously will just keep growing. We'll just be doing more fun things.
spk_0
Now we can rock it out. We don't have to cry and record and cry and record.
spk_0
Right. Right. Right. But I do want you to know that I do really 100% in my heart.
spk_0
Appreciate the opportunity you've given me. I know you do me to be able to do this.
spk_0
Well, that's why we're so cool together because we both feel the same way.
spk_0
It's been such a gift for both of us. I'm glad you feel that way by the way.
spk_0
That's a really great thing. Telling someone's story is not easy.
spk_0
And honoring that person throughout everything you choose to do is a big responsibility.
spk_0
And I just know it's already touched people and I think that's pretty cool.
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Cheers to the next step in just the process. Yes. For you too.
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Yes. Just for the beginning.
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Special thanks to Stephanie, a woman who has taught me the deeper meaning of the power to be strong,
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to never give up hope and to lead with grace and to her fabulous partner Melissa,
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who has brought so much laughter and support to this project.
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To Julie, my wonderful wife. Thank you for helping me in a million ways to bring this season to life.
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And my children, Autumn and Matthew, for their incredible support and endless amounts of supportive words.
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Lastly, my deep gratitude to my incredible team, who helped bring season one to life.
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Lead producer and story editor, Carrie Caulfield.
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Sound design by Alejandro Ramirez and graphic design by Dorian Paulsonelli.
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If you or someone you know is affected by abuse or is in need of support, resources are available on our website at www.just1personpodcast.com.
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And please follow us on Instagram at just one person podcast or on your favorite podcast platform.
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Stay tuned for season two. We'll see you soon.