When Our Nervous Systems Hijack Our Parenting

Interactive Transcript

spk_0 You want to stay calm.

spk_0 You want to be that grounded, sturdy, pilot, leader to your kid,

spk_0 and then there's a slam door.

spk_0 There's an, I hate you.

spk_0 There's a, you never do anything for me right after you did 5,832 things for your child in the last hour.

spk_0 We all yell.

spk_0 We all say the words.

spk_0 We promised ourselves we would never say we all have moments

spk_0 when our nervous system hijacks are parenting and our value system just hasn't had the time to catch up.

spk_0 It is so important to demystify what yelling is really about.

spk_0 And to understand what yelling is not at all about.

spk_0 That's exactly what we'll be talking about today.

spk_0 I promise you by the end of today's episode,

spk_0 you're going to have so many new aha moments as in,

spk_0 oh, that's a totally different way to think about it.

spk_0 And you're going to have a bunch of heartfelt moments like,

spk_0 that hit me somewhere I really needed.

spk_0 You're going to feel empowered and hopeful.

spk_0 And you're going to have a new way of looking at the moments we all struggle with.

spk_0 I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside.

spk_0 We'll be back right after this.

spk_0 Here's a story from my private practice that has always stayed with me.

spk_0 I was seeing a mom and she was telling me about a moment from earlier in her week

spk_0 where her and her daughter were arguing nonstop about what clothes she was allowed to wear out.

spk_0 And then the moment ended with her daughter looking at her and just screaming,

spk_0 I hate you.

spk_0 And then the mom screamed right back,

spk_0 well, I don't like you either.

spk_0 And then silence.

spk_0 And I remember her telling me about how her body was shaking and how she felt scared,

spk_0 not because she didn't mean what she said.

spk_0 But because in that moment, she did.

spk_0 And that terrified her.

spk_0 I asked her what she did next to try to get a better sense of the whole situation.

spk_0 And she told me she somehow found herself then in the kitchen eating cereals.

spk_0 She wasn't hungry for scrolling on Instagram,

spk_0 looking for some relief that was impossible to find.

spk_0 And then just feeling kind of frozen and having no idea how to recover and move forward.

spk_0 And ended up asking her,

spk_0 this might seem off topic.

spk_0 But just tell me,

spk_0 how would your mom have reacted if you yelled, I hate you and her face.

spk_0 And she just looked at me and said,

spk_0 she would have given me these dark death eyes.

spk_0 And even without saying anything, those eyes were so terrifying.

spk_0 And then she'd say something cold and monotone like,

spk_0 who do you think you are to say something like that to me?

spk_0 And those would be the last words I heard before a week of the silent treatment.

spk_0 The room felt heavy, but it felt important and I stayed quiet.

spk_0 And she started crying.

spk_0 And she said to me,

spk_0 like, that's exactly what I just did to my own daughter.

spk_0 I'm here talking to you to try to not repeat these same patterns.

spk_0 And that's exactly what I just did.

spk_0 This is the moment that so many parents recognize.

spk_0 In our brain, we know exactly what we don't want to do.

spk_0 And then we have moments where we watch our body do that exact thing.

spk_0 Why? What's going on?

spk_0 We want to break certain cycles.

spk_0 And yet we often repeat moments that were very painful.

spk_0 You are not alone if this is happening.

spk_0 This happens to every single parent.

spk_0 What we ended up talking about.

spk_0 And one of the things I want to say to you right now is it is never too late to repair.

spk_0 If you haven't gone back in yet, you still can.

spk_0 Whether the moment happened 10 minutes ago, a day ago, a week ago, a month ago.

spk_0 You and I both know that longing for a parent to return, to come back in,

spk_0 to talk calmly.

spk_0 That longing doesn't go away with time, meaning it is never too late.

spk_0 And that's often how we start breaking cycles by going back,

spk_0 by repairing.

spk_0 And if you can get caught in the thought pattern of,

spk_0 but my daughter should be apologizing to me.

spk_0 She can't scream things like that.

spk_0 I hear you.

spk_0 And there are moments for teaching.

spk_0 And there are moments for connection over correction.

spk_0 And the moments after we yell, the moments after we do the things we promised ourselves,

spk_0 we wouldn't do, I promise you, those are the moments for connection.

spk_0 And that is really where cycle breaking starts.

spk_0 So why does it often feel like we're destined to repeat the past?

spk_0 Why does it feel like these cycles we want to break sometimes keep repeating?

spk_0 Well, a big reason is so often our nervous system steps in

spk_0 before our values can catch up.

spk_0 And that's exactly what we will be unpacking today.

spk_0 Let's jump into parent questions first.

spk_0 Sometimes I don't yell, I just go totally cold and I shut down.

spk_0 Is that the same thing?

spk_0 It's a great question.

spk_0 Well, it's not the same thing on the surface, but I think what this question is getting to is

spk_0 it's also a protective mechanism.

spk_0 You know, we talk a lot about fight or flight, which are two animal defense mechanisms

spk_0 yelling, right, is a version of fight.

spk_0 There are also other protective mechanisms like submit, freeze, and play dead.

spk_0 And so if you're prone to going cold to shutting down, that probably means your animal

spk_0 defense response is more in the submit, freeze, play dead camp than the fight or flight camp.

spk_0 Fight or flight means a lot is coming out.

spk_0 Submit, freeze, play dead means everything shuts down inward.

spk_0 And so you're noticing this is one of the ways you must have learned to protect yourself

spk_0 when things fell overwhelming.

spk_0 And while that probably was protective early on, it might not be as protective now

spk_0 when it sounds like you want to better communicate or more openly communicate with your kids.

spk_0 So absolutely, this is your version of an animal defense response.

spk_0 And I promise you, it's not something you have to be locked into forever.

spk_0 Next question, second one.

spk_0 I can't really picture how my parents responded when I was a kid.

spk_0 Is that normal?

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 This is totally normal.

spk_0 And I actually think what's underneath here is unpacking the idea of memory.

spk_0 I can't tell you how many adults I've sat with in my private practice.

spk_0 And often they would come to me around some parenting struggle.

spk_0 It's really hard for me to stay calm when my kid is tantrumming or when my kid protests a decision.

spk_0 But I don't remember what my childhood was like.

spk_0 I don't know where this response came from.

spk_0 Here's the interesting thing about memory.

spk_0 One form of memory for sure comes out with our words and are memories that we can actually recall.

spk_0 Oh, I remember my parents yelling at me.

spk_0 I remember how my parents dealt with my tantrums.

spk_0 But actually for so many of us, that's not even our most common form of how memory gets expressed.

spk_0 So often memory gets expressed in our triggered moments.

spk_0 How we respond to our kids when they're protesting a decision,

spk_0 when they're whining, when they're having a tantrum is a memory our body has from how similar moments

spk_0 were responded to when we were a kid.

spk_0 So I guess what I'm saying is yes, it is so normal that you don't have some coherent,

spk_0 verbal form of memory of tough moments in your childhood.

spk_0 You might actually start to be curious about the way you respond in some of those moments

spk_0 and use that as data of sorts to think about how moments might have gone in your own childhood.

spk_0 Let's go to the last question today.

spk_0 Sometimes I think I've already traumatized my kids.

spk_0 I've yelled so much the damage is done.

spk_0 It's too late.

spk_0 Is it ever too late?

spk_0 I tend to answer questions with a lot of nuance.

spk_0 I don't like to kind of peg myself to one answer,

spk_0 but this one I can be pretty simple about.

spk_0 It is never too late.

spk_0 I want to share an exercise of sorts that in some ways proves this more than anything I could

spk_0 convince you with through fax or logic.

spk_0 I actually did this live in my TED Talk and I've gotten so much feedback that it was so powerful

spk_0 that I want to make sure I bring it to you all today.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 So I want you to imagine that you get a call from one of your parents.

spk_0 And if neither of your parents are alive, imagine you find some letter that you just saw today.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 Here's what that letter might sound like or here's the call.

spk_0 Hey, I know this might sound a little bit out of the blue,

spk_0 but I've been thinking a lot about your early years.

spk_0 There were so many moments that I think felt really bad to you.

spk_0 And you were right to feel that way.

spk_0 There were moments I yelled, said really harsh words.

spk_0 And you were left alone after to figure out how to recover.

spk_0 I'm sorry.

spk_0 And if you ever want to talk about any of those moments,

spk_0 I'd be happy to listen.

spk_0 Not listen to prove myself, not listen with a comeback.

spk_0 Just listen to better understand.

spk_0 I love you.

spk_0 I don't know many adults who hear that and say back to me.

spk_0 Nothing.

spk_0 Dr. Becky, nothing.

spk_0 Nope.

spk_0 I wouldn't do anything.

spk_0 Now, I'm not trying to say the opposite extreme is true.

spk_0 I would not expect one moment like that to heal every single thing that happened that felt bad

spk_0 in your childhood.

spk_0 But there's a lot between nothing and everything.

spk_0 And when we say it's too late, we lock ourselves into nothing.

spk_0 And I think for a lot of us as adults, even now, that call would be meaningful.

spk_0 It wouldn't shift everything.

spk_0 But it would shift some things.

spk_0 And what I know, even though math is not my area of expertise,

spk_0 is that your child is younger than you.

spk_0 This is always true.

spk_0 And so if that type of moment with your parent or reading that letter

spk_0 would have a visceral impact on you, that is proof

spk_0 that it is never too late to repair and reconnect with your own kid.

spk_0 Your child's story is shorter than yours at the very fact that they're younger,

spk_0 which means it's even more amenable to change and repair.

spk_0 So I can say this with confidence, it is never too late.

spk_0 Take that first step.

spk_0 Repair.

spk_0 Listen without defensiveness.

spk_0 It's going to be uncomfortable.

spk_0 And it's going to really, really matter.

spk_0 Here's an important idea.

spk_0 Our nervous system is living in the past.

spk_0 Our triggered moments.

spk_0 That reactive scream we have when our kids says I hate you.

spk_0 Yes, it's happening in the present moment, but the circuit that activates to have those

spk_0 words come out of us is actually a memory, a pattern from our past.

spk_0 Best or Vanderkulk, the author of the body keeps the score, maybe says it best.

spk_0 The body remembers even when the conscious mind does not.

spk_0 I know for you, your conscious mind, your value system says,

spk_0 when my daughter screams, I hate you.

spk_0 I want to be able to pause.

spk_0 I maybe want to be able to say, I need a moment.

spk_0 And then I want to come back when I'm calm and grounded.

spk_0 So I can intervene in a way that I needed when I was her age.

spk_0 Here's the thing.

spk_0 Our of Nygdala, which processes fear,

spk_0 reacts in milliseconds so much faster than our thinking, logical values,

spk_0 based brain can respond.

spk_0 And so if you're having that quick, twitch reactivity,

spk_0 that's a sign that something from your past is actually interrupting and responding in the present.

spk_0 Why do we yell at our kids even though we don't want to?

spk_0 Why do we yell the exact words?

spk_0 We don't want to say, here's what I want to think about.

spk_0 And it's going to sound counterintuitive at first.

spk_0 Our body thinks it's protecting us in those moments when we yell at our kids.

spk_0 Now, our body is misguided.

spk_0 It's not protecting us.

spk_0 But here's where that comes from.

spk_0 If you think about when you were a kid,

spk_0 so many of us grew up in homes where anger was disrespectful.

spk_0 Anger, some how-ment, I don't also love my parents or feel grateful for them.

spk_0 Anger was dangerous.

spk_0 Forget just I hate you being mad in any way.

spk_0 Equals danger.

spk_0 It actually threatened our attachment with our parents.

spk_0 We got sent away.

spk_0 We had a heart's punishment.

spk_0 Nobody talked to us for a week.

spk_0 So what did we learn when we were young and our bodies were wiring?

spk_0 Anger is a 10 out of 10 danger.

spk_0 Anger equals threat.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 Then what would our body do based on that information?

spk_0 Well, it would adapt to protect us.

spk_0 Okay, I am going to try to shut down anger.

spk_0 Whenever anger comes up, it needs to be shut down as quickly as possible.

spk_0 And how do you shut things down quickly?

spk_0 Harsh mechanisms.

spk_0 That's the only way.

spk_0 Fast forward many, many decades.

spk_0 Now it's our own child expressing anger to us.

spk_0 In the ways kids often do because they don't yet have skills for anger.

spk_0 I hate you.

spk_0 You're the worst parent.

spk_0 Get out of my room.

spk_0 A slammed door.

spk_0 And we know in one part of our mind,

spk_0 want to stay calm.

spk_0 I want to do this differently.

spk_0 And instead, we say the words are on parent, what have said.

spk_0 But in that moment, your body isn't trying to betray you.

spk_0 It's trying to protect you.

spk_0 You have anger coming at you from your kid.

spk_0 Essentially, your body says,

spk_0 what do I know about anger?

spk_0 Is it safe?

spk_0 Is it tolerable?

spk_0 Is it manageable?

spk_0 Can I stay connected to someone when there's anger?

spk_0 Or is it bad, awful, toxic, dangerous?

spk_0 If you learn that, your body goes back to that old circuit.

spk_0 Shut it down as fast as possible.

spk_0 How?

spk_0 Through harsh mechanisms.

spk_0 Then your body yells at your kid.

spk_0 And it is kind of the set of words we don't want to say.

spk_0 But our body in that moment is just activating a very old circuit.

spk_0 Our past is interrupting in the present.

spk_0 So often, we confuse two things.

spk_0 Understanding why we yell is not the same as condoning that we yell.

spk_0 Understanding that our body is trying to protect us.

spk_0 Understanding that our past interrupts our present

spk_0 is actually the foundation for figuring out how to change these patterns more effectively.

spk_0 So I just want you to hold that in mind.

spk_0 My body thinks it's protecting myself.

spk_0 It's just trying to shut down what I learned was incredibly dangerous when I was a kid.

spk_0 I promise you, that's not the last step.

spk_0 But it definitely is a first and necessary step for change.

spk_0 Can we talk about yelling for a second?

spk_0 Over 90% of parents admit to yelling, and I'm one of them.

spk_0 I've yelled at my kids.

spk_0 Not once, not twice.

spk_0 Honestly, pretty recently.

spk_0 And the hardest part, it's actually not the moment it happens.

spk_0 It's the guilt and sadness and the frozenness we feel after.

spk_0 If any of that sounds familiar, I want you to know, I see you.

spk_0 I'm with you.

spk_0 You're not a bad parent.

spk_0 You're just overcapacity.

spk_0 If this resonates and you're ready to take things a step further,

spk_0 I want you to know about my brand new live workshop, the yelling reset.

spk_0 I'm doing it on October 15th at noon, but no worries.

spk_0 I know you're busy.

spk_0 Of course, you can get the whole recording after.

spk_0 Go to goodinside.com to sign up and save your spot.

spk_0 I'm excited for you to have these tools.

spk_0 So right now, I want to take that idea of protection and do an exercise.

spk_0 That might feel odd, but I promise you is really powerful and important.

spk_0 I want you to thank the part of you.

spk_0 That learned how to adapt when you are younger.

spk_0 Thank you to the part of me who noticed that anger was dangerous.

spk_0 Thank you, body, for storing anger as threat, because for a long period of time when I was young

spk_0 and helpless, it was after you thanked that part of you, I promise you it's going to be more amenable

spk_0 to shifting its role, because after you thank it, you can add something like this.

spk_0 I'm going to show you over time that anger isn't so dangerous after all.

spk_0 That anger is actually a very normal and healthy part of any close relationship,

spk_0 and I know it all takes some time for you to believe it, but we're going to keep working on this

spk_0 together. Here's one of the things I want you to take away from this episode.

spk_0 Those moments when we worry we're not breaking cycles at all, we're repeating them.

spk_0 Those aren't proof of who we are. Those moments don't define our parenting. Those are moments

spk_0 where stories from our past are interrupting our present. And still, it's never too late to make

spk_0 a change. If today's episode resonated with you, please take a moment to share it with another

spk_0 parent who might need to hear it, or to rate and review it, or drop a comment if you're listening

spk_0 on Spotify or YouTube. And let's end with a grounding moment where you place both feet on the ground.

spk_0 Oh, enjoy me and putting a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle

spk_0 on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon.

spk_0 Thank you to our sponsors, Zell, Hot Wheels, and Reo, for sponsoring this episode.

When Our Nervous Systems Hijack Our Parenting

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