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Mitzvah #80 - Marriage with a Mission - Shared Purpose Leads To Unity
In this episode of 'Judaism from Within,' Sinielana explores the profound significance of marriage from a Jewish perspective, emphasizing the importance of shared purpose and a solid foundat...
Mitzvah #80 - Marriage with a Mission - Shared Purpose Leads To Unity
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Hi and welcome back. I'm Sinielana and this is the Judaism from within podcast.
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Where we go through the perspective, the philosophy of our Shumshan Rafalhash giving us an insight
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into the meaning, the reasons, the symbols of the commandments of the Tyra, that guide
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for life, that way of extracting meaning from the world. And he takes us on a journey,
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appreciating the structures and the ideas. And today we are going to be going on a particular
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journey that I think has relevance to the universal call to mankind. And obviously a unique
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angle from a Jewish standpoint, but like so many aspects of the Tyra, they speak to the
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universal as well as the particular. So let's begin. How best to express this in a way that
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gives rise to both these angles. And I think to really lay the groundwork, for Rafash, he expresses it
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in terms of a common direction and a foundation. So you have the top and the bottom. The top is the
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goal. The foundation is what you're sitting on. So let's build the metaphor out. The foundation
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is what we would call the Kasuba, which is a marriage document. And the direction is the task.
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Now what do I mean by this? And why do I think this is such a universal aspect? Because
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Rafash does develop the uniquely Jewish aspect of this. Obviously what fills this out is that you
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have the Kasuba, but you also have two more steps. You have Kaddushin, which we will develop,
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and then you have Nisuin, which is the next stage. Today, traditionally, it's all done at once,
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where you go into the Khuppa and you do Kaddushin and Nisuin. But I want to really break the
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bar part to appreciate what each stage is doing. But before we do that, let's really develop this
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moral call for marriage or a contemporary defense of marriage, an argument why you would want to get
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married. And if you did get married, what your mindset should be. And I think this idea of a
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foundation and a direction are perfect. Or perhaps open up in this way when people open up a business.
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They often ask what is the goal of the business. And that makes sense. And once you have a goal,
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or as Simon Sinek used to say, you have your why, you unify the company in the direction of that
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particular goal. That's excellent. But when you get married, people don't like doing that,
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because it makes the flow, the love, the connection. All things that are vital and important,
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make some sort of my technical and it's not really the right time. We're getting married because we
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love each other. Right. But what will hold you together? What not only holds you together during
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the difficult times, but what will enrich and make vibrance the good times? Because if it's just
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the two of you in a relationship, well, that's quite flat. But if it's the two of you working towards
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a common narrative, a common goal, well, that makes both of you engaged in a mission that transcends
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the two of you. You're both a partnership. You're in a mission together. You are accomplishing a task
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to put it in more Jewish language. You are together as individuals that make the smallest unit of
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the community. And once that community has its units, the community can become a nation. And a nation
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can be a Malachaskohanin for Gaukadej, a nation of priests. That is the goal of a Jew and his
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family and his community. In which case, the only way that can be done is through marriage between
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a man and a woman, in which he's the task and only be completed if the two of you are together.
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In which case, that's the direction and you can envision a person coming from a secular standpoint,
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saying, well, what's the purpose of our marriage? What are we trying to achieve together? And that
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unifies them and enriches every aspect of their life because it gives even the mundane a jolt or
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a shock of a meaning that would otherwise be absent. But what about this foundation? And this is
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perhaps harder to articulate, but I think it's also present in a secular context. There's an
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legal aspect to marriage. But legal. People once again shrink away. We love each other. Yes, you do.
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And that is wonderful and important. But to truly be yourself. To truly have
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safety for authenticity and genuine connection and vulnerability, there has to be a
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framework that you're sitting on. A framework that at the first sign of a winter, a stormy weather,
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the other one doesn't bolt away. That's why there's a legal aspect to marriage in the secular world.
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But within the Jewish context, we have a word for it. It's called the Kasubar, the marriage document
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that is essential to be present if you two are going to be together. So much so that if you have
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one written out, which is what needs to be put in place for you to get married, which delegates
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out each individual's responsibilities and rights within the marriage. Like what are we expecting
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of each other? What is, as a man, my job is to provide a home and a framework for my wife to be
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able to develop. The language of her uses, your wife is the priestess of the house. She is there
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to take the house, take the home, develop it, cultivate it, nurture it into that bias of you
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straw. In which case, that's my responsibility. And her responsibility is to build this home.
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But obviously individuals can make arrangements and I'm an electrician, but Riftga is a programmer.
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So we do balance things out in our teaching. But obviously individuals can make unique
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arrangements, but that doesn't take away from my responsibility. So much so that the husband and
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wife are not even allowed to be together if that framework and that foundation is in present.
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Think about that. You have a document that you two are not able to live as husband and wife.
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If that's security, if that guarantee that marriage document which has financial repercussions
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isn't present, because otherwise what is your marriage sitting on? And that's such an important
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idea because with that foundation and that framework, genuine vulnerability and connection and
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development can take place because you can truly both be yourself and grow. The Riftgaer
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develops this as a man truly becomes a man in the context of marriage. And that makes sense because
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being on his own in a floaty sort of introspective way is lovely. When you're with someone else,
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you see other aspects of yourself that you otherwise wouldn't have appreciated. You will
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put in other situations that test you and refine you. That's the value comes about through the fact
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that you're sitting on something that when it gets difficult, you can't just bolt or walk away.
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Which is one of the arguments I think for marriage in today's day and age when people look at us and
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say, well, we live together. Right. But what what what what security do you have that if you were truly
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yourself and you let down those guards, you expressed your your vulnerabilities, let's say you
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expressed your fears in a in a true way to the other. And they were a little bit uncomfortable.
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Or maybe they would just leave. The idea of that framework allows genuine reciprocal openness
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to take place, which is where relationships genuinely develop. So we have that bedrock,
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that foundation that allows individuals to be themselves and have that security. And if that's
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not present, this has a ramification in Jewish law. You cannot be together. And once again,
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this idea of a cassubba has responsibilities that if a man and a wife get divorced, the man has
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to provide has to pay out. It's not only he has to provide for his wife before they get married,
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but if they get divorced or they or the husband dies, she is taken care of. Meaning there is a
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there is a responsibility baked into this that isn't easily brushed aside. And if it's not there,
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if that commitment isn't there, marriage cannot take place. So we have that base rock or bedrock
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that foundation. We have the direction and that striving. And both of these together create the
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crucible, let's call it, create the environment where two individuals can truly develop,
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truly bond and truly work together towards an ideal goal. So you have the high point and you have
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the foundation. I think that is a I think that's a secular argument to get married. You're working
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towards something noble, both of you, you have a foundation at the bedrock of your relationship,
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which gives the security that one of you isn't going to bolt, that one of you isn't going to
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negate on their responsibilities. There's a foundation there and there's a value to that foundation
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in a secular context. It would be the legal side of things. And people don't like that. Why do we
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need that? And I think this is an argument why you would and why it's important. So we have the
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goal and we have the foundation, but now that it's been in a uniquely Jewish way, you have these
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two extra sides, you have Keducian and the Sun. And for a harsh, Keducian is that personal aspect.
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The switch in identity. Keducian means to separate. A wife is separated to the husband's home.
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The husband is to the once again and then ideal sort of abstract way. He develops a home. He
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puts himself into a place where he is financially viable to be able to build a home. And then he
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invites the wife into that home and then she makes use of that which he has built. So that is
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Keducian, the switch in identity from individuals, desperate individuals to a unified
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husband and wife, that first stage of the community, which is why the community has to bear witness
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to this. Once again, to it, to what they call to aid him, to witnesses have to bear witness to
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this. Because if they don't, then the community hasn't recognized it. In which case you haven't done
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anything. It's a very important idea that is often overlooked that your identity isn't something
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you choose. It is something that is negotiated. Your identity is negotiated with that which is
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beyond you. You two might choose to be part of a community, but if the community hasn't validated
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that, well then it's just in your head. It has to be negotiated, it has to be reciprocal. That
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is Keducian. Nisuin is the next stage. Nisuin is the stepping into mission, the stepping into
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the actual home together, symbolically with a canopy or in different traditions they sometimes
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would both stand under the same talismate. They would drink from the same cup. This idea of
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that unified we are on the mission together is the stage of Nisuin. So we have the first stage which
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is Keducian, the second stage which is Nisuin that's stepping into that shared mission. Not only
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falling in love, but that foundation of family, the unit within the community. So you have the
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identity shift with Keducian, separation that sanctified to the other and then you have Nisuin
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which is the stepping into the chupa, stepping into that symbolic home which you are building
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together and the home is that unit of the community testified by the community, witnessed by the
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community and validated by the community. And together you strive toward that higher point of
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that ideal goal but with the knowledge of that bedrock foundation which we call the chasubba.
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So if we put it into secular language we would say a husband and a wife get together, they are
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married because they are trying to build something in their community. There is a legal side of it
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to have that foundation to sit on and without that foundation and without that goal it's just
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far it can go. But true meaning and joy come through the direction that the marriage will take you,
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the stages of the marriage and the pursuit of the goal of the marriage. So as always thank you so
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much for listening, I hope you enjoyed and yeah have a great week.