Holing On and Letting Go: The Psychology of Attachment

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spk_0 Hi everyone, it's Dr. Niger again. Next episode of Psychology Unplugged.

spk_0 Thanks as always to all of our listeners and followers.

spk_0 I appreciate your continued support and investment in these episodes.

spk_0 And another fun week,

spk_0 interesting week of being able to talk and communicate with a lot of people across

spk_0 the wide area of topics and interests and questions.

spk_0 So continue to reach out and I will give you my contact information again at the

spk_0 end of the episode. I do try to get back to as many people as possible.

spk_0 If I haven't, please continue to reach out. And again, it's really an absolute

spk_0 privilege to be able to be doing this going on in I think five years.

spk_0 So one topic I wanted to revisit because I get a lot of questions,

spk_0 whether it's through the podcast or through patients that I see with respect to

spk_0 personality. I've done a lot of episodes as those you follow the program for

spk_0 a while on borderline personality. And I've covered all the other personality

spk_0 disorders and I will revisit them at some point in the future, depending where my

spk_0 mind goes or is at any given moment. But I think I did an episode on this

spk_0 before, but I wanted to expand in more detail about attachment, attachment theory,

spk_0 attachment styles, parenting and the implications that all of these have on the

spk_0 developing sense of self, you know, personality between five, eight years of

spk_0 age with where it's more or less crystallized. And attachment theory, I think is

spk_0 one of the most powerful and enduring and transformative theories in psychology.

spk_0 And attachment is just not a developmental concept. It's really the story of how we

spk_0 learn to love, how we handle fear, how we respond to loss, how we develop biases.

spk_0 And it's really the blueprint for how we connect or fail to connect to others.

spk_0 And so whenever relationship, I think from childhood, adolescent adulthood, our attachment

spk_0 system is basically quietly shaping how we are interpreting the world. It

spk_0 governs how safe we feel in the presence of others, how we deal with separation,

spk_0 how we see comfort, how we regulate distress, how we handle ambivalence. And just

spk_0 from his historical perspective, I've mentioned John Bulby, who was really kind of the

spk_0 father of attachment theories and psychology. I think we'd never health medicine have

spk_0 these interesting terms that we call the father of this theory, the father of this

spk_0 theory. I don't know if I can think of a mother of a theory, but anyhow. But John Bulby was,

spk_0 he was a psychoanalyst and he worked with children separated from parents during World War

spk_0 II. And what he noticed that when these children were physically safe, they experienced

spk_0 an emotional, emotional devastation, crying for parents, clinging to strangers, showing despair,

spk_0 detachment. And his perspective is that attachment was biologically hardwired, almost similar to

spk_0 what Thomas and Chess had talked about with the concept of temperament. They can notice

spk_0 doing episode on that. And being hardwired was the need for a secure base isn't learned,

spk_0 it's innate. And I think there might be some truth to that because we're designed to do one

spk_0 of two things, procrate and surviving. But if we're not surviving, no one needs going to be procrating.

spk_0 You know, babies are programmed to seek proximity to their caregivers because proximity increases

spk_0 the chance of survival, being fed, being clothed, being nurtured, food, water, air, and shelter,

spk_0 the basic needs and Maslow's hierarchy. And Bulby had the kind of the working model of

spk_0 the world. You know, am I loveable? Can others be trusted? Is the world a safe place? And if a child

spk_0 could sincerely experience his care and responsiveness, the answer to the question would obviously,

spk_0 you know, but it would be yes. If not, then the world becomes uncertain and anxiety becomes the

spk_0 emotional baseline. Following in the work of John Bulby was Mary Ainsworth and she collaborated with

spk_0 with John Bulby. And one of the classic experiments was the strain situation. So basically, a mother

spk_0 and an infant play together to lab a stranger enters the mother leaves then returns. And how the

spk_0 infant reacts to the separation and reunion, what she possibly that reveals the attachment

spk_0 pattern. Again, very early stages of development. So there's basically four

spk_0 types of attachment styles, secure attachment. These are children,

spk_0 children with these secure attachment, they really have caregivers who are consistent, committed,

spk_0 available, attuned. And you know, when they cry, someone responds, whether that's crying in the

spk_0 middle of the night because they're wet, the crying because they're hungry, somebody responds. And when

spk_0 they explore, someone encourages. And the message basically is, hey, I'm safe. My needs matter and

spk_0 the world is predictable because my needs are being met. So I'm comfortable to move away from my

spk_0 primary caregiver. And as adults, I think securely attached individuals, they can balance intimacy

spk_0 and independence. I think they're capable of vulnerability without fear of rejection. And they

spk_0 also comfort others and receive comfort. So it's a, there's definitely emotional reciprocity.

spk_0 Second one is avoidant or dismissive attachment. With this attachment style, the caregiver, I think,

spk_0 emotionally unavailable, critical, dismissive, dismissive of feelings. And what the child learns

spk_0 with a avoidant dismissive attachment style is essentially, if I show need, I'll be rejected.

spk_0 So this child will adapt by turning inward, suppressing emotions, self-sue thing,

spk_0 and avoid dependency. And as adults who had the avoidant or dismissive attachment, they can often

spk_0 appear confident and independent, but avoid deep emotional intimacy. And I'll talk a little bit

spk_0 about what possible disorders can result from these different attachment styles. So these adults

spk_0 of the avoidant attachment, they prefer logic over emotion, they struggle with empathy,

spk_0 they feel trapped when their partners seek closeness. But underneath, there's really

spk_0 a loneliness that is basically masked by a perceived sense of projection of self-reliance.

spk_0 The third is anxious, anxious or preoccupied attachment. So in this style, caregiving is inconsistent.

spk_0 Sometimes loving, sometimes unavailable, sometimes predictable, sometimes unpredictable,

spk_0 and the child learns to cling, constantly seeking reassurance. And adults with this pattern,

spk_0 they fear abandonment. They overanalyze text messages. They worry about rejection and can be,

spk_0 I think, overly accommodating at times to even spitefully jealous.

spk_0 Fourth one is disorganize or the fearful avoidant attachment.

spk_0 And this is the most complex one, and one of the newer ones that wasn't one of the original three,

spk_0 I think if I remember right from John Bulby. And this is often the most painful style,

spk_0 and it really arises when the caregiver is simultaneously a source of fear and comfort,

spk_0 often due to abuse and neglect, parental trauma. And as adults, children with this attachment style,

spk_0 they long for intimacy but fear. And they really oscillate between closeness and withdrawal.

spk_0 I love you, I hate you, between love and sabotaging it, very similar to borderline personality disorder.

spk_0 And PTSD. So those are the four main styles of attachment. And you know, attachment doesn't,

spk_0 it doesn't disappear if your childhood it evolves. And you know, in adolescent, the attachment system

spk_0 expands from caregivers, mom or dad, grandma grandpa, whoever are the, you know, primary providers

spk_0 of the child's need to peers and romantic partners. You know, teens, they test autonomy.

spk_0 I definitely did when I was younger, I think I, but they still seek a secure base. And sometimes

spk_0 from friends, from mentors, and even sometimes therapists, but it's the ability to move away from

spk_0 that secure base. I think it becomes complicated and more problematic when the sense of self and

spk_0 the sense of security is perceived as a need that others have to fulfill. Then there's, with that

spk_0 kind of cognitive framework, there is a very little room for error, very, very black and white.

spk_0 So it's, you know, parenting, Rudolph,

spk_0 drinkers was a student of Alfred Adler. And children, the challenge is one of the best books that

spk_0 really extrapolated leery and psychology. And he used to, he used to be like church basements and

spk_0 gymnasiums and do all these parenting. And I remember I just wanted to, of course,

spk_0 I had to take in, in leery and parenting. And it was really interesting about, you know,

spk_0 natural consequences, logical consequences. But that's again, a topic

spk_0 in and of itself. So at the epicenter of attachment is parenting, independent of who the

spk_0 parent is biological, adoptive, relative, whatever, who is the person that is is shaping

spk_0 the parameters of the world the child is growing up in and is that, you know, I think

spk_0 Julie's mentioned this before, I do I want to live as a hostel or a safe environment or world.

spk_0 And it's really, you know, parents, it's, it's where the developing self learns whether the

spk_0 world is safe, whether emotions are manageable, whether the emotions are tolerated, and, you know,

spk_0 can whether love coexist with imperfection and can love, can independence coexist with dependency.

spk_0 And personality does not emerge in the vacuum. You don't wake up one day and say,

spk_0 oh, I have a personality and I have or I have a disorder personality. It is a function of

spk_0 environmental experiences and perceptions. And back to I said originally a lot of people ask,

spk_0 you know, especially with personality stories, but I had this, this is what my child who was

spk_0 liking. This is what I, you know, this was like growing up. And sometimes it can be very

spk_0 blatant. And I'm generalizing here that, you know, a child's four years old and he's

spk_0 dad like pick up a leave whenever from home and like, do you have a pair of leaves? Anybody can leave.

spk_0 And sometimes, and again, some could, that, so that child may develop a personality disorder

spk_0 with fears of abandonment. And another child may have a totally different reaction. And that's

spk_0 why perception is really is so important versus the reality. And, you know, that's again a topic

spk_0 for another time. But, you know, is there is reality true or is it just all about perceptions?

spk_0 Because two people in the experience have saved me then and have two completely different reactions

spk_0 to it. But, you know, personality is, it's built to find like scaffolding, early attachment and

spk_0 refined by the parent child relationship and parenting determines not just how a child relates

spk_0 to others, but who they ultimately become. And when you think about this, well, five and eight

spk_0 years of age, that's pretty scary. That's pretty significant. You don't develop a personality

spk_0 of 14. You don't develop a personality in 27. This is, this is stuff that, you know, that again,

spk_0 who are you? Who am I? Or my belief on myself, my belief on other people, my belief on the world

spk_0 in general and the conclusions of the therefore is that I drop. And, you know, it, you know, during

spk_0 this five days period of time, I think a child's brain is, it's, it's, it's wiring its sense of

spk_0 self and security. And the, you know, the right hemisphere, which is, you know, calling the

spk_0 emotional brain is dominant. It's recording tone, rhythm, facial expressions, like, I mean,

spk_0 I told my tone of voice is a peaceful voice, it's an angry voice, it's a kind of sending voice.

spk_0 And it's encoding this long before it encodes language. And so parents who mirror their

spk_0 child's emotions accurately, you know, through eye contact, soothing, soothing voice empathy,

spk_0 they teach their child their feelings are tolerable. And that relationships are safe.

spk_0 I think when parents react with ridicule, dismissal, avoidance, you know, stop crying, you're fine.

spk_0 You know, little boys don't cry, you know, those, those kind of, they don't be so dramatic.

spk_0 In these situations, the child's going to internalize, they're going to internalize shame.

spk_0 And they learn to distrust their own emotional reality and come to, essentially believe that

spk_0 other people's opinions are the correct ones. And I think the Israeli parents are starting to develop

spk_0 evolving to defense mechanisms that, that, you know, could later resemble personality traits,

spk_0 like perfectionism, anxiety, avoidance, control. And, you know, parenting too much or too

spk_0 little, it's really, you know, a continuum. And, you know, the most profound disruptions really occur

spk_0 at the extremes, overprotection or under protection, you know, overprotective parenting, you know,

spk_0 is what's kind of called like helicopter parenting. You know, that arises from anxiety disguises love.

spk_0 It's really what helicopter parenting is about. And, you know, the attention is protection,

spk_0 but the consequence is inhibition of self-reliance. So, you know, the best laid plans of

spk_0 mice and men. And I think, you know, and I've worked with enough parents to speak

spk_0 carefully about this, that it's coming for a place of, you know, I want to, I want to do the

spk_0 best I can to make sure that they're not getting bullied to make sure that all the teachers are,

spk_0 you know, treating them fairly and either emailing all the teachers and they're, you know,

spk_0 they're charting all the sports scene and all it's done from the point of love,

spk_0 but at what price of essentially, inhibiting a child's ability to develop a sense of autonomy

spk_0 and learn to become and develop a lot of dependency and codependency traits. And these parents

spk_0 intervene before the child can even experience manageable stress. The kids got experienced stress.

spk_0 That is how you learn that you've processed that. If you, if you, you create this bubble,

spk_0 if you're a civil family, give bubble boy, if you create this bubble, the world that comes to all of

spk_0 us and none of us are immune to it, but it's necessary to have the skill sets. I'm not saying

spk_0 just throw your kid into a situation that they're totally ill prepared, ill equipped to, to handle.

spk_0 But, you know, the anxiety or guilt or whatever somebody may feel, especially in the world,

spk_0 at which we live in, of constant social comparison and technology where it's, you know, nobody's

spk_0 life is private. And I've seen this with the amount of bullying that goes on in the cyber bullying.

spk_0 But these, in this helicoptering, you know, they they they micromanage friendships, school projects,

spk_0 even emotional discomfort in every scrape knee or failed tests, you know, becomes an emergency.

spk_0 You know, so with what the child learns is the world is dangerous. And I really can't handle

spk_0 things on my own and my own, my safety is totally dependent on external control. And how do you

spk_0 think it's going to play out in relationships? And this is where healthy attachment cells are

spk_0 are really important at crucial developmental periods because it's setting the stage for how

spk_0 is the child going to navigate future relationships. But this type of helicopter parenting,

spk_0 it breathes dependency and an external local self-control. And I've done an episode on

spk_0 local self-control early as one of the first episodes when I started the podcast. So I'm not going

spk_0 going into that in great detail. But that's what this type of parenting develops. And the

spk_0 belief that one's well-being is determined by others, not not oneself. And so in adulthood,

spk_0 this manifests as chronic anxiety in decisions, fear of failure and a paralyzing need for approval.

spk_0 So, you know, these early parental messages growing up when we were attachment. And this was

spk_0 John Bulby was so focused on. And it's like, well, this stuff is happening at a really young age.

spk_0 It's not happening later on in life. We're seeing, you know, the residual impacts of it. But

spk_0 and again, a lot of times this is coming from a place of love and care and concern and not wanting

spk_0 to see a child hurt or fail. But the long-term consequences can be detrimental. And that misdecumail,

spk_0 you know, horribly. But it can certainly leave a lot of emotional scars. And, you know,

spk_0 ironically, overprotection, it doesn't teach independent. It teaches fragility. And it teaches,

spk_0 it doesn't, not safety. And, you know, the goal of attachment is really to create security,

spk_0 to so the child can't explore. It's important for the child to explore. It's okay for a child to cry.

spk_0 It's okay for a child to fall down. It's okay because it's then how you teach afterwards.

spk_0 And that's the really important part. And now in the flip side, the under evolved or, you know,

spk_0 mostly absent parenting. This is the whole other end of the spectrum. And, you know, parents may be

spk_0 physically present, but they're mostly absent or detached or inconsistent, distracted.

spk_0 And, you know, sometimes parents, you know, with this pattern, you know, can feel overwhelmed,

spk_0 depressed, you know, preoccupied with their own struggles. And, you know, these children,

spk_0 they often become prematurely self-reliant. In some situations, I've had patients who were

spk_0 preentified when they were like eight or nine years old because of maybe a single mother

spk_0 had to work two or three jobs or there was a substance abuse issue. And, you know, the

spk_0 preentified child, you know, they learn to suppress their needs. And, you know, emotions

spk_0 to maintain peace, the model becomes, if I don't need anybody, I can't be disappointed.

spk_0 Later on, I think they could appear or they can excel, you know, professionally,

spk_0 appear stoic, hypercompetent, but, you know, intimacy is going to feel foreign or unsafe.

spk_0 And neglect doesn't mean absence of care. I think it's an absent, we talk about attachment

spk_0 problems. It's really an absence of emotional presence. So, a pair, you know, can

spk_0 it's kind of a soccer game, but still be, you know, mostly unavailable.

spk_0 With the current generation, I think I just kind of made up would be like a attachment

spk_0 outsourcing with the, with the, you know, TikTok university that I've referenced.

spk_0 And I see a lot of parents, they are raising children in a world like that is overly saturated

spk_0 with information, anxiety, social comparison, how many followers, how many likes. And the result

spk_0 is that parenting that's often, it's driven by fear, over analysis,

spk_0 external validation. And I see this a lot with children adolescents who may be struggling

spk_0 with their gender. And when that conflicts with family values or religious values, that,

spk_0 that's really a tricky point and something that I will address at some point in the episode.

spk_0 But think about it, every cough, tantrum, bad grade, the sentence, it sends parents

spk_0 running into Google, to TikTok, Instagram. And, you know, this becomes the emotional compass.

spk_0 And I think we, I think, you know, I did the problem, you know, with, with self-diagnosing in

spk_0 social media. But I think we've created a, a culture of like, like, crowd source parenting,

spk_0 where advice comes from influencers and not evidence. That's a problem. That's why we have,

spk_0 that's why we go to school for as many years as we do to develop and hone and perfect our skills

spk_0 and our craft to be able to answer these questions. But a lot of people are self-diagnosing. And

spk_0 they're paying money for tests that are not part of any sort of reputable standard battery of

spk_0 assessments. And then coming in the office, saying, just confirm that I had this diagnosis,

spk_0 because I paid $199. I think that tells me I have autism because I, you know, they have this score.

spk_0 So, you know, this, I think the constant online feedback loop in erodes parental confidence.

spk_0 And I think I've seen a lot of parents, they start to delve their own intuition and their

spk_0 own empathy and their ability to read their own child. And, you know, the child in turn senses

spk_0 that insecurity. And if, if a child sneezes and a parent's looking this up or a child closet,

spk_0 you know, in a certain cognitive age, the kids are going to think like, gee, every time I do this,

spk_0 I, there would, there must be something wrong with me because mom and dad are kept looking this

spk_0 thing up or whatever it is that I'm doing. They can also feel that, you know, what, even my own

spk_0 parent doesn't know how to handle me. They have to go online and talk about this. And I think

spk_0 this is, this has the potential to be, you know, I see, I see the problems with the self-diagnosing.

spk_0 That's, I mean, it has doing diagnostics. I see this, you know, every day. And then,

spk_0 then you have the whole social social media comparison trap, which is, you know, the, you know,

spk_0 the monetary toddler who's folding laundry, the gluten free preschool, you know,

spk_0 pre-schooler who's meditating, you know, the influencer mom, we're just, you know, talking about

spk_0 like aesthetics and their child, you know, I mean, it gets ridiculous. You know, these images,

spk_0 they don't, they don't reflect reality. They reflect performance.

spk_0 But I think parents measure themselves against these ideals. And if you get, if you're going to do

spk_0 that, you're going to come up short, just like saying words like, I need or you need, there's,

spk_0 there's no, there's no margin for error. And I've seen a lot of parents that are, they're really,

spk_0 parenty veraptics, rather than authenticity. And, you know, the result, anxious parents,

spk_0 breed anxious children. Kids don't need a perfect home. They just need an emotionally predictable one.

spk_0 They don't need a parent who never falters. I think they just need, they need a parent who repairs

spk_0 when they do. It's, it's, when, when a parent's, I think, allow, when they talk about like, you know,

spk_0 different attachment styles, when, when parents allow their children to experience struggle,

spk_0 not the, a parent wants to see their child in pain, but when they allow them to experience struggle

spk_0 and cry and be upset because their game was taken away because they were throwing a tantrum.

spk_0 They're teaching them, they're teaching them problem solving. They're teaching them tolerance

spk_0 for uncertainty. They're teaching emotional endurance. And, you know, in parents repair conflict,

spk_0 I'm sorry, I lost my temper, teaching emotional accountability and emotional repair.

spk_0 Okay, there's, there's no, there's no road map. There's no right or wrong on this. It's just,

spk_0 at the end of an attachment is, again, I think a transformative theory in psychology.

spk_0 And it's definitely the cornerstone of personality and personality disorders because security,

spk_0 abandonment, attachment, predictability, you'll see this in narcissists, in the histrionic, in borderline,

spk_0 in skitzoid, in avoid independent personality styles. If you trace this back, something like,

spk_0 and they're in lifestyle analysis, I did an episode on that, you're able to see the trajectory of

spk_0 the early messages and early experiences and the early perceptions of all those and how they

spk_0 shaped the psyche of an individual. It attachment is not destiny, but it is a crucial variable.

spk_0 And I think, you know, given that, that, that time frame of personality development,

spk_0 creating a world where kids can explore, where they can learn, where they can look back and say,

spk_0 I know mom's there, but it's okay if I go this way. And, you know, you got the helicopter parenting

spk_0 and you got the avoiding parenting at two ends of the spectrum. But I think, I think parents are,

spk_0 from the vast majority of people I work with, are doing the best they can with what they have

spk_0 to give their child the best skills and the best lifestyle possible. And at comes from

spk_0 place of love, I'm just pointing out from a clinical perspective that, look a little deeper and

spk_0 realize what is the environment that I'm creating or the world that the child is experiencing.

spk_0 And if you want to read more, you know, look at the work of John Bulby and Mary Ainsworth,

spk_0 because this is really, really important stuff. And from my perspective, it really is the

spk_0 ideology of personality, whether that's healthy or, or disordered. So anyhow, until next time,

spk_0 feel free to keep reaching out as psychology unplugged. You can get hold of me through psychology

spk_0 today. Until next time, take care of yourselves, take care of each other, be well, and I will talk to you.

spk_0 Bye guys.

Holing On and Letting Go: The Psychology of Attachment

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