Technology
FRN: SmEGGling, The Foot and Dan Z Negotiations Break Down
In this episode of FRN, we delve into the bizarre world of poultry smuggling, featuring a shocking incident at Miami International Airport involving a man and his 'chick ants.' We also cover...
FRN: SmEGGling, The Foot and Dan Z Negotiations Break Down
Technology •
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Interactive Transcript
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That was You Got My Whiffle in A Tiffle by Fatty B and the Numb Numb Gun.
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It's 5.26pm and time for the news.
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You're listening to Faka Hatchy Radio KFAK.
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I'm Horace Wexler.
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Okay, and a crack fight in the car.
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And I said, uh-oh, that doesn't sound good.
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This totally wins my case here.
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Except it is like highly-
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Yeah, I'm super.
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This is secret information.
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Here are the headlines from around the globe currently trending on the Faka Hatchy Gazette.com website.
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Faka Hatchy Gazette.com.
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What do you mean we have to renew the domain?
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New Pope, Daffa Good Hang, said your surprisingly Catholic drug dealer.
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Not just in your head?
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New study from Brown University blames the word diarrhea, not you for being really difficult
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to spell.
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Derriff's announced, denounced, unannounced, re-announced, flounced, trounced, and now causing
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your cheques to bounce.
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Entire birthday party deported after co-worker asked to bring ice and misunderstands.
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And now turning to the news from around the globe.
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A man entering the US on a plane from Mexico City was shot and killed at Miami Internet
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National Airport yesterday.
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DHS claims the man was wearing what they refer to as chick ants, a port man toe to describe
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pants made of chicken cutlets worn underneath the man's trousers.
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This guy was crafty.
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He frozen the chicken breasts so they wouldn't spoil.
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So by the time he hit the customs line, he customs, he was already shivering pretty hard.
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It was pretty clear to tell what was going on with him.
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The traveler, whose name has not yet been released to the media, attempted to bring
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both through the customs checkpoint early Saturday morning.
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And what happened next earned Officer Portal Dortnoi a medal for bravery.
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You eat the turn style and takes our fronting and I didn't have any other options at that
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point, but to pull my side arm and start blasting.
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I empty my magazine and it was back, you know, call for additional AMO, wait five to
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seven minutes for it to show up, reload, and then empty that magazine into his back all
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a while.
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He's still continuing to flee face down on the ground and a pull of his own blood.
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And this man is in just an outlier, according to Border Patrol deputy chief Trunk and Boy
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Smooch, who says in the wake of unchecked bird epidemics and tariffs, smuggling of chicken-related
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products remains at an all-time high this year.
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I sat down with Mr. Boy Smooch to talk about the issue.
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I am Mr. Boy Smooch, thanks for sitting down with me today.
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Are you able to put some of these numbers into perspective for our listeners?
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Absolutely.
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We're at 350% beyond previous years levels of poultry trafficking.
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350% in Trust Me Horace, we can feel that number at the border.
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Used to be we were looking for fit and all, but this is a whole new level.
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It's off the charts.
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But forkly of course, because the chart is what told us we were up to 350%.
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And this is reflected in a rise in smuggled cutlets, tucked in people's trousers.
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Yes, and being smuggled through just about every port of entry.
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Now all things considered, chicken pants or what we called chicance, are still a rarity
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among poultry traffickers.
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What we've seen a lot of at the border though is a boom and smuggling.
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Anywhere people can hide an egg, we've seen it.
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Mouth, you name it.
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Ask.
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Oh, yeah, yeah.
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I've seen it there.
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Arm pit?
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Oh, oh, sure.
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Smugglers have a saying, uh, tuck two in your pits and you can still sit.
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What about the negative space under the ball sack between that and the upper thigh?
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Well, we suspect the potential for cracking there is very high.
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So we've seen smugglers crack the eggs into ziplock bags and tuck that behind the testicles
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where it's clinging against the taint.
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The bad guys call this going eggy balls and it's very difficult for us to stop or catch
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without additional canine support.
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And these aren't just men, Horace.
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I mean, egg balls is, but you would not believe how many eggs can fit in a one.
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It's wrong.
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10.
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No, no, wait, 12 per cup, but it, but in a very large, large woman's brisier.
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Oh, okay.
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Well, I guess you would believe it then.
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But border patrol agents fear without additional manpower in the face of this threat.
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They'll be unable to stem the tide of illegal eggs.
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As a response, the president has demanded Congress raise CPB's federal budget, declaring
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it necessary in the interest of national security.
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The president continues to claim violent gangs of Quebecan farmers armed with accents,
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pitchforks, and military berets are flooding our border with thousands of dozens of their
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top shelf grade AA eggs.
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He's even gone further posting on Trudat.
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He's not against mobilizing the National Guard, inciting them across the border to stop
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these quote, bad eggs trying to bring their good eggs in illegally.
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For the average American, however, the rise in black market eggs muggling is becoming harder
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to ignore, and it's keeping Turk and Boismuch up at night.
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I know egg prices are coming down, but we in the border patrol got to stay vigilant,
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horse.
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Last week I shot my birthday cake nine times.
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I was convinced there were Canadian eggs hiding inside.
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I turned out my wife used to have a sauce instead.
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I did not know you could do that.
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That cake was moist as hell, but you can't be too careful.
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Sometimes, Horace, sometimes at night, a bolt up in bed screaming and a missed one.
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I'm supposed you did.
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Would that be that big a deal?
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Jesus, Horace.
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I cannot imagine what would happen if someone smuggled in just one of these eggs that
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isn't infected with avian flu from Mexico or Canada.
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I guess I'd be absolutely terrified that they'd have a pretty okay breakfast.
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And I don't know about you, but in my opinion, that's just not American.
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Thank you for your service.
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And if you're listening smugglers, be aware, Deputy Chief Boismuch is on the lookout.
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And that's the news from around the globe, turning to American news.
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America.
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It seems we have some developing news from the negotiations between media company and theme
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park Danzy Universe and the state of Florida.
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KFAK reporter and Bon Vivant Chuchy Bonham is there at this hour to cover the story.
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Chuchy, how are things looking there?
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Well, Horace, I can't speak for how the situation looks, but frighteningly dapper might be how
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someone could describe my look in a three-piece tweed that's so smart you might even call
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it smug.
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The situation here, however, is a real oopsie wash or trousers to afternoon tea, as representatives
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of Danzy have suddenly left the negotiation table.
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Those following the situation will remember the Danzy Universe theme park had declared
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themselves a sovereign nation not long ago, looking to secede from the state of Florida.
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Something the state of Florida absolutely disagreed with.
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Horace, as you might guess, Danzy storming out has left peace talks between the amusement
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park and the state of Florida in terrible disarray, with many asking what went wrong.
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Inside of reports it said Danzy is unhappy with current sanctions blocking vital and necessary
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imports to the theme park, such as cotton candy and hot dog dogs.
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As a precursor to more serious negotiation, Danzy had requested the sanctions be eased,
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if not outright lifted before they could continue in earnest.
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However, this was a non-starter for the state of Florida, as peacekeeping forces had intercepted
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several crates of cotton candy with collision-acorb rifles tucked in hidden among the sugary candy
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floss inside.
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And I'm sure by now everyone has seen that viral clip of the Florida Governor biting
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into a hot dog dripping with relish, only to reveal a row of bullets secreted inside
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the weiner.
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A spokesperson for Danzy has refuted these allegations and said the governor simply
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must be an idiot, because who would bite into a hot dog if they knew bullets were inside?
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During the negotiations, representatives for Danzy reiterated their claims that parkgoers,
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mainly in a centurist caught in the crossfire, are dangerously under concessioned, quite
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parched, and desperate for something to nibble.
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And while highlighting the positive that these sanctions have reduced overall chunder levels
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near the roller coasters by as much as 30%, that was only because Marmite whipping chutney
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on a stick level are in old time low.
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Danzy has made it very clear it will not take responsibility for whatever happens if this
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situation isn't rectified.
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The Florida government refused to discuss the sanctions, which Danzy said showed a lack
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of good faith before flipping the entire table over and positively strutting out their
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root hails wiggling behind them as they disappeared through the door.
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It's pretty clear Horace, we remain at a stalemate, and both sides are digging in even
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further.
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Furious with the lack of progress in the negotiations, the governor of Florida has issued a 30-day
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countdown for all employees, guests, and park workers of Danzy to exit the premises
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and surrender to the state.
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At the end of that countdown, he says he will send in troops to remove whoever's left,
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and whatever happens at that point could potentially be blood on the big white gloved
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hands of Danzy.
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Back to you Horace.
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Thanks Chuchy.
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Before I let you go, I just have to ask, are you a rube?
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Horace, I assume you're referring to the die-hard fans of comic kangaroo Danzy.
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And I have to say, while I've had a sensible chuckle that is down under antics and enjoyed
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the sweets and treats of his park, I would not be god dead wearing one of his god-a-one-size-fits-all
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souvenir tails.
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I didn't figure you what.
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That was Chuchy Bunum reporting from the Danzy DMZ.
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Well, when it comes to art, he's going to have to put his foot down.
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I'm speaking of course about our resident art critic, Billium T. Hesterhofen,
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talking about Faka Hatchee's newest statue on… of Hearts.
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Today, on of Hearts, we take a look at the final unfinished work of Poshitano Philopian,
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a sculptor well known for their mastery of obelisks,
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imbuing each with elaborate etchings, capturing the essence of humanity along each of its foresight.
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In all four dimensions, the obelisks reveal deeper truths as time ravages its surface,
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like a football player with a tapeworm visiting a cheap buffet.
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But the world is nothing if not a cosmic joke, and one of the silliest ironies might be that
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the master of obelisks coming to be known best for their final unfinished work,
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colloquially known as Defeat.
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While it is tall, it is not the tallest. However, its implications of tallness resonate in the mind,
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and suggest the majesty of a person, rising from out of the cracked barren earth, only to be
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obliterated by the sands of time. And now evaporated from their existence as a gargantuan shambling
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cylinder of flesh, they leave only the twenty foot tall smooth sumptuous muscular feet and ankles
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that once carried them behind. There is a vein. It is profound. Philopian has domesticated the wild
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beast of art and groomed its chaos into something compelling. The metatarsals are luxuriant and they
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spoil my eyeballs to look upon them. Each tall is perfectly proportioned in a size comfortable
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for the human animal to wrap their arms around in the hug a bear would give another bear in a
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toilet paper commercial about the wipe strength of said toilet paper. I am struck by the need to
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both touch and recoil from the work, a paralyzing stasis that leaves my jaw slack and hanging
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like a noble hillbilly, child of the earth desperate to breathe. I am filled with awe,
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and I am not alone in this public motorway as I gaze upon their resplendents. I sense I would never
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be able to appreciate the extravagant beauty as much as a man named Kevin, who is running the
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tips of his fingers along the stone arch toward the heel as I write these words. The feet
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defies my expectations, but it also stymies me in a muddled maze of corpulant foot think.
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What could ever fit a foot as large as this? My soul is disquiet. I sense that like the smallest amoeba,
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I too am not to know the secrets and inner workings of the universe. The piece refuses to accept
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categorical gender designation and thus the feet call to all of humanity, but especially those
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who cannot say no to a foot of this magnitude. His baser instincts now swelling with the glory of
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smooth sculpted marble Kevin has his hand deep inside of his Levi's. His guttural mones,
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an audible salute of appreciation to the artist's talents. I fear with this animal ritual he is
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enjoying the statue on a deeper level than I will ever be able to, but I,
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Billium T has to hoffing will try. The work deserves it. I will return later after Kevin has
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crescendoed to avoid a chorus of mones. Back to you, Horus.
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Thank you, Billium. Now turning to local news.
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Yesterday evening, an anonymous whistleblower released documents online, they say implicate
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council member Richard Bayesbon in an illegal scheme to influence Faka Hatchee's choice of sister
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city. The whistleblower released 1400 pages of documents they claim reveal a direct line of
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corruption, agreement and bribery between the council member and the government of Poland.
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These documents, while potentially damning, have yet to be verified by experts who have all
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touched their nose and said not in. We went on the spot to get your reactions and opinions.
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We went on the spot to get your reactions and opinions.
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When news breaks, we're there.
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I'm not sure it matters because I'm pretty sure Bayesbon is dying, right? Didn't he say that
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last time you ran for the council seat that he's dying? If he's dying, maybe just give it to him.
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I think we all know for sure that it was to be the Poland anyway for sister city,
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so why not let this Bayesbon Mr. do the bequeathing?
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I don't care what the crime is, this is Florida. Cops, Katja, Yagilty, Death Penalty. Yagilty,
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cops don't Katja, no death penalty, simple's that. It's like God saddened the good back that he who
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is never quit pro quo, throw the first gemstone to an official problem and doing something.
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We've reached out to the council member and will update this story if he decides to comment.
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And now to Coda Pittsburgh with your Faka Hatchee weather.
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Hey man! It's the Coda Pittsburgh your rock and roll weather man. Look to the morrow when there's rain on the
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horizon but we'll all be surviving. Even if it pushes the humidity up up up up up up up in the
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90 percent. But sweet baby boy, you know that rain's gonna lay back a river cry and solo for
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the remaining half of the week. So boys and girls you better get down some belles.
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Ah baby you want to get down down down down down down.
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Thank you very much Dakota. I hope you tune in tonight for my show Night Drive where we'll be
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talking about all the days of incident and you can share all of your thoughts and opinions on them.
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For Faka Hatchee Radio KFAK, I'm Horace Wexler. We're gonna be serving up another
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big crock of rock in less than 10 minutes following a message from our sponsors and the Faka Hatchee
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Police Report. Faka Hatchee Radio, still American for now.
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I can still kick a baby's ass really throttle that baby punch its lights out. That's a wrong thing.
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It's gross and I won't have it. I see a baby across from me at the arm wrestling table. I can't help it.
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I'm going over the top and breaking that baby's arm to win a championship belt and that ain't right.
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We gotta protect our babies protect them. That's what we do. We gotta beat these babies up. Get
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these babies strong. Pack these babies with muscles. That's why I'm proud to introduce my new fitness
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systems for your babies arms. Gunsforbabies.org. Get your babies arms small. Sons out guns out,
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Bob Bob. No one wants a potato. Look at Taditut. Kick that spot into gear and let your baby take
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you to a gun show. My system is guaranteed to get your baby shredded. Don't use it on a toddler.
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It'll kill them instantly. The system's only for babies. That's why call it gunsforbabies.org.
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That's right ding dong. I'm a non-profit. That's how seriously I take these 20 patented exercises.
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You don't force your baby to register its arms and send me weapons. When I come to battle your baby,
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give your baby a fight and chance. Gunsforbabies.org
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This is the Faka Hatchee Police Blonder for August 21st. All times are recorded in the US
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standard time pronouns are assumed but not necessarily correct.
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2.32am Police responded to a local waffle house where David Santos,
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Dini Flowers and Paul A were drunkenly challenging other patrons to a duel using serving trays as
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armor. Napkins as Togas and Spatulas as weapons. Verbal warnings to not disrupt the flow of combat
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were issued device standards after responding officers agreed they were in fact entertained.
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3.32am A group of masked bandits including David Alt, Michael Timz and Matthew Hot were arrested
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during what was described as a mission impossible style break-in to steal an entire public's deli's
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worth of chicken tenders. Police apprehended them during an argument on how to get the dipping sauce
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back up through the vent. 7.27am Officer returned to patrol vehicle to discover Nathan Greenaway and
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Tim Bland flipping strips of bacon on the hood claiming this the public's heat, this the people's
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bacon. No tickets were issued during the impromptu breakfast but one three star Yelp reviewed to
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cry to lack of accessible seating and the bacon to be rather chewy. 10.24am Police were called to
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a verbal altercation at gate 12 when Carrie Shaw and Mike Kittless tried to board a spirit airlines
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flight with raccoons in a baby Bjorn claiming they were emotional support animals. On police
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confirmation they had the proper paperwork they and the raccoons were allowed to board for an extra
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$50 B. 12.46pm Mad Bishop, Gamer Grudge and Ron Bandish barricaded themselves in the Taco Bell
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drive-through demanding three tacos for emotional distress. An officer arrival the three were found
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to be suffering from severe lack of fourth meal and were released with a warning a crunch wrap
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and a small baha blast flavored mountain dew. 127pm Officers responded to a panic to 9-1-1
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call of store employees after several men jumped into the fish tank at mass pro shops screaming
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I'm one of you now. Nearby shoppers also reported hearing I'm your fish brother. How I get some
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of those fins you got and where all the lady fish at wait are you a lady fish. The situation
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was quickly resolved when Scott Ford, Mark and Ben Condole were apprehended by officers using
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a diwatetula XD casting rod with Shimano SL-XDC Baycaster reel baited with Hick-Reeb BBQ Sliders.
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242pm Mark Bernard and Mike Nichols were pulled over after their
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jet skis were clocked doing 90 miles an hour on a flooded I-75 while holding small alligators
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like teddy bears. The alligators were found to be under 18 and thus subject to Florida's buckle
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up seat belt long. Citations were issued. 317pm Officers responded to a call on William
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Bryden Avenue where Jake Croker was briefly charged with kid napping and then released on a
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technicality when the baby goats were determined to be without ownership. Later that day he returned
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the baby goats describing them as tiny bastards. 613pm Jennifer Long was apprehended at her home after
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a short foot chase from the side of a roadside construction sign she had hacked to say sinned
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news please. Officers agreed it was the most polite hack sign and she had used the magic word
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instead they would put in a good word with the DA. 653pm Officers responded to a call at the
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Sonoco to find Paul A.N. Castormer attempting to return an armful of used scratch off lottery
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tickets they claimed were defective. After clearing the two from the property responding officers
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checked each ticket just on the off chance. 856pm Car 72 responded to a local gas station
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after Drew Inns refused to leave a bucky's bathroom declaring it the cleanest place in Florida
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and attempting to set up a residence complete with small fish tank. Officers said Mr. Inns
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exited the bathroom sadly after what their report describes as an accidental toilet funeral.
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901pm Officers responded to a call at the local hospital where Kyle Decker and Chris Crafty
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had set up a makeshift VIP section in the oncology unit complete with stanchions. Officers attempted
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to arrest the two for public nuisance but left the line sheepishly when they were told there were
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already too many dudes inside. Mr. Decker did agree to turn the electro house music down out of
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respect for their neighbors. In Mr. Crafty said the two would look into the options available
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to encourage their patrons not to urinate on the wall of the NICU. 906pm Martin Cox,
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Cash Mundy and Alan George were briefly detained after trying to bring a wallmark shopping
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cart full of unused fireworks onto the roof of the courthouse for science. It was determined they
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could not possibly be terrorists and were allowed to proceed with their important sky research on
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whether clouds can be killed by Roman candle. They are expected to publish their results late next month.