Technology
Charlie Sheen
In this episode, Charlie Sheen joins Conan O'Brien for a lively conversation filled with humor and nostalgia. They discuss Sheen's upcoming speaking engagement, his experiences as an assista...
Charlie Sheen
Technology •
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Interactive Transcript
spk_0
Hi, my name is Charlie Sheen.
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I love it.
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You very few people struggle with their own name.
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Charlie, how are you?
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Charlie came up with the fill in in the middle of my name.
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I'm using all of this.
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I don't care what you say.
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Hi, my name is Charlie Sheen and I feel enchanted about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
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I love that.
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I like that a lot.
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I haven't used that word since childhood.
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Well, yeah.
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I'm just a friend podcast that gives life meaning some of Sessian joining me along with Matt Gourley.
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Hi.
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And so now I understand you've got a big gig coming up.
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Do you want to talk about it?
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Yeah, we were talking about a podcast recording we have coming up that I have to miss because I'm going to this episode.
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Oh, just kidding.
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Oh, I'm missing this episode.
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You're missing this.
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Yes.
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So you won't see me or hear me in Charlie Sheen's episode because they know it's Charlie Sheen.
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I'm pulling a Conan.
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I'm like, do they know?
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I'm sorry.
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I'm from the old school of show business where you wala.
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This is the new world of magic where they tell you how the trick works and then do it.
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And you're letting you start with it going.
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And tonight's guest star.
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I know.
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Nothing was ever a surprise.
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I know.
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Oh, my God.
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Don't reveal how ignorant I am with my own life.
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I don't even know who I am at this point.
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So, but anyway, I'm going to try and clean my job.
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My job is to clean up this this bramble to brush.
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Wow.
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Yeah.
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You are going to miss the interview today because you have to go on a big gig.
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Tell us what the gig is.
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I'm doing a speaking engagement at a convention for assistance.
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Why are you laughing so hard?
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I was your assistant for 12 years.
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You were terrible.
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How dare you?
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Why is there also a convention for assistance?
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Because there's, it's an important thing to bring us all together.
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You know, we are the most powerful people in the entertainment.
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I guess this is going to make me sound really ignorant.
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Probably two bunch of his assistants speaking.
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She's someone.
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Stop laughing.
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Stop laughing.
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Stop laughing.
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I kept you alive for 12 years.
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I kept you alive.
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I kept it.
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This is the greatest thing I've ever heard.
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I thought you were where you needed a bee.
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I forgot what else I did.
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I'm pretty sure like a welcome.
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Welcome everybody to the convention of non-killing murderers.
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And our speaker today is Genghis Khan.
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Genghis, talk about your life of not killing and not murdering.
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No violence.
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These are my people.
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These are my people.
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Now, are you there?
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Is it kind of ironic that you're going people know?
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You wrote a book called World's Worst Assistant.
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Yeah, you wrote the forward for her.
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I know.
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You laugh at you.
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You did this.
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You laugh at you.
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You laugh at you.
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You laugh at you.
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You laugh at you.
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You laugh at you.
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Is this a preview of your speech?
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Hey, number one rule of being assistant.
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You laugh at you.
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You laugh at you.
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What are you talking about?
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You're incoherent.
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What I'm saying is you enabled me for 12 years.
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Okay, sure.
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All right.
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What do you mean, sure?
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I mean, yes.
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I agree with you.
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I don't think you ever reprimanded me.
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You just made fun of me all the time.
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Right.
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But what I'm saying is, given that all of that is true,
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you still should not be speaking to thousands of assistants
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and putting your imprint on their mind.
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How dare I am?
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I am a success story.
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In spite of yourself.
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That's true.
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But I assisted a high profile individual for a very long time.
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Very true.
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Very true.
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And I got you to where you needed to be.
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Yeah, what do you mean?
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Yeah.
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I did.
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Good debating skill.
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What do you mean?
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No.
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Or to a certain amount of sister.
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I was a champion speech.
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I didn't debate.
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She didn't debate because debate involves logic and doing a little reading ahead of time.
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She was really good at going, oh me.
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No, you're looking at you.
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You look at you.
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You look at you.
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You made funny you.
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You left you and you know you did this.
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You did this.
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You enabled this.
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And a speech champion once again is Sonom of Sessie and Sessie and Sessie and Sessie and Sessie.
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No, for real though.
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I think I thought in the hall.
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I came into this ambitious and then you started making fun of me very early on.
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You said it sounded like I was arguing with Dracula when I was talking to my grandma on the phone.
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It was your mother.
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And it broke us.
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And it did sound like arguing.
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It broke us.
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You were going, blah, blah.
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And it sits sound like, you know, Dracula the auctioneer.
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And I just commented on that and I thought was a very sensitive way.
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Are you proud of what you've done to me?
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Yes.
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I think it's really funny.
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Is it?
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Yeah.
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Is it funny for you?
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Yes.
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Because you in a funny you.
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You're funny you.
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Well, you win that one too.
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God, you're good.
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What's the subject of your speech going to be?
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It's not.
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It's a Q&A.
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I don't even have to have a prepared speech.
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I'm just going to have conversation with someone which is nice.
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It's called the E.A. Mafia.
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And, you know, they're like, it's going to be in Palm Springs.
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It's going to be lovely.
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Okay.
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I'm going to say this at the risk of ruining all our good fun.
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You are.
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We're a remarkable assistant.
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Oh, yeah.
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And no, listen, I will say this.
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On some of the specifics, a disaster.
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But the important thing is, Sona would have jumped in front of a bullet for me.
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I will.
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She's incredibly loyal.
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Why would you have done that?
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I don't know.
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Just so she could get over time.
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She could get over time.
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She could get over time.
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She could get over time.
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I should be like, well, I'm shot now.
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So that's double over time.
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Get the length of my recovery.
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Can I say something though?
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You compliment David Hopping way more than you have ever complimented me.
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Oh my God.
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You always tell me he's doing a good job.
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Yeah.
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I taught him everything he knows.
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I don't think that's true.
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It's true.
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No, he took over and you were like, good luck to you.
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You do you.
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You do.
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And then you jumped out of window and landed in a big, warmest truck.
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Oh, that sounds good.
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I want some of that.
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That actually sounds really nice.
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Listen, no, I'm going to finish my nice thing.
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Okay, yes, please.
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Incredibly loyal, a very street smart, savvy, really funny.
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And we had a blast.
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I had a blast working with you.
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I think 95% of the time we were doing bits.
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But yeah, help keep me sane or or kept me insane.
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I don't know which, but so now I love you and I owe you everything.
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I love you too.
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I'm serious too.
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I really miss working with you on a daily basis.
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But back to how terrible you were at the specifics.
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Okay, you know why we were so close to a nice moment.
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Awful.
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Come on.
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Come on.
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My favorite quote is the, we did a remote that you can look up on YouTube.
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I'm sure our webs, whatever.
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I don't know how things work.
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YouTube.
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What's that?
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YouTube.
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YouTube still a thing.
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Okay.
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On the tube, you can look it up.
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But when you and I worked with someone.
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The HR rep.
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The HR rep.
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Blair.
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I think, right?
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Yeah.
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Oh, that's right.
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And you said, and you weren't making a joke.
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You say, I just think I have a mental block against assisting him.
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And I said, you are my assistant.
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Yes.
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And it was such a great moment because I think that's true.
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But it also in a great way worked.
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It did work.
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It worked.
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And we're pals for life.
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We are pals for life.
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And I'm a barnacle.
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Also, I'm proud of you.
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I'm really glad that you're doing this.
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And I think those people are lucky to have you.
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Oh my God.
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Thanks, Tom.
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Now, like a piece of, well, you can pay.
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Yeah.
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Can I get a little something?
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You can get it.
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No, that's mine.
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Don't do that.
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Just want to wet my beak.
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No, don't do that.
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Oh my God.
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No, I'm not doing that.
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Ew.
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I love wet my beak.
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Godfather, too.
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I don't like the sound effects.
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So it's awful.
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All right.
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I guess today we got to get into it.
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Yeah.
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I mean, there's no time to screw around.
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Maybe he wants to wet his beak.
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What's all we've been doing is screwing around just so we're clear.
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I know.
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That is actually the job definition.
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That is what we do.
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Quit screwing around.
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We got to get back to screwing around.
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My guest today is an actor whose new memoir, The Book of Sheen, is out now.
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He also has a two-part Netflix documentary titled, aka Charlie Sheen.
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Charlie Sheen.
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Welcome.
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I want to make it clear to all my listeners.
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I met you years and years ago.
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You came on, I didn't realize.
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You came on my show eight times.
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That's amazing.
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You came on the show a lot.
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And the first time I met you, my immediate reaction was, and this is long before two and a half men.
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Okay.
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My reaction was, damn.
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This guy is really funny.
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Oh, right on.
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And I remember clicking with you right away just about how funny you are, which enraged me.
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Because you were born with that head, and I was born with this head, that infuriated me that you were so quick.
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And verbally dexterous, your delivery is so dry.
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You have the features, and of course the career of a leading man actor.
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Thank you.
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But you were, you were so funny in ways that could surprise.
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Because it's not what I expected coming out of you.
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And I think that served you really well over the years.
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Thank you.
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And now speak to that.
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Yeah.
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How do you, what, what can I, where do you go from there?
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What can I say that you didn't?
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Well, you could say no, no, you're wrong, Conan.
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It is you.
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Right.
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It was the true master.
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Well, you haven't done that.
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It was you though.
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When I discovered that we had, like instantly, we had a comedic rapport.
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Yes.
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And we understood each other's rhythms and timing and sensibilities.
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Yes, yes.
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And that, that doesn't use, that's, that's rare.
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No, it was, it was so much fun.
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I remembered, you know, there was always, as you know, you, you, you generate all kinds of stories.
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And at the time, there was some story about how you liked feet.
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You know, ladies' feet.
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And so we did it with Andy.
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Yeah.
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And our producer Frank Smiley said, and you know, we thought, well, we'll pitch you this thing.
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And I thought, well, he, you know, we'll probably seem to just get mad and punch us.
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It was all about us showing you different feet and you rating them.
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Right.
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And you were like, of course, yes.
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Was do that.
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And then you did it.
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And you were really funny.
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Thank you.
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And to me, it's, oh, he's really fun to play with.
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And there's so many ways that I, first of all, a lot of similarities.
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You and I were, when you talk about who really partied hard on the 80s and 90s,
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it's always Charlie Sheen, Colonel Bryant.
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Oh, yeah.
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I mean, and not always in that order.
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Not always in that order.
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No, no, no, he didn't partying.
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You didn't just clean up.
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Yeah, I know.
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No, I, and Charlie will bear this out.
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But there was not a moment in his hard, living times when I wasn't right across the room.
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It was me, Nick Cage, and you.
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And I was in Sean Pan.
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And Sean, yeah.
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And I remembered you guys sometimes saying Conan slowed down.
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Yeah, but that didn't matter if you never listened to us.
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But if you're going to set up.
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Yeah, that's why when I watched the documentary read the book, I'm like, hey, where am I, man?
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I was there often leading away.
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I was as litigious as you've been in the past.
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We were like, let's just, let's just disappear him.
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And we did.
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And I thought you'd see that as a compliment.
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You know, my wife, very appreciative, my kid.
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Sure.
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So glad not to be mentioned.
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It's so funny because you've always made me really laugh.
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And you have this, you've had this unusual career where, you know, these, these films, these iconic films that you were,
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that you were in.
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And then, where you're playing, it's a heavy roles and leading man's stuff.
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And, you know, Oscar winning, you know, Platoon and you're in Wall Street.
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And then you have this, we're talking about it, a major league and the hot shots, where you got to show this other muscle that most guys in your position didn't,
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wouldn't have had that kind of flexibility.
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Sure.
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And you probably knew all along, like I do that if I had to, or did you not know?
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Well, the hot shots movies, I, I going into it, I was going to be borrowing from the late, great, Leslie Nilsen.
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Yes, yes, yes.
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And I just, I kind of, because I saw those films as a child, or as a young teenager, like with a milieu in Westwood on a Friday night, watching airplane.
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It was the first time when I thought, oh my gosh, someone else gets my sense of humor.
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And when I saw that I thought, oh yes, this is what it is. Your eyes don't twinkle when you say it.
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You have to have the 10,000 yard stare.
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Everything you brought to any of your serious movies, you now bring to this.
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But what you're saying and doing is, is quite absurd.
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Right.
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So I, I have to kill those jokes like I killed Sergeant Barnes.
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Yes.
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I just came up with that.
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And then, and then I had another, very good.
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Thank you.
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Thank you. I just, that, that's a fresh one for me.
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Okay.
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Okay. And then I just realized that you're talking with us too.
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I don't mean that demeaningly, but you don't, you don't have to, you're in part of the trying.
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You know what we discourage him as much as possible.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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Because I want to be like, he's the only one that matters.
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You really don't have to.
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No, Charlie, you have to show.
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Not really.
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Did you, I fill in for someone today?
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No, I've never met this guy before in my life.
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No, no, he was here to fix the HVAC.
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That's right.
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And we said, he said this chair is comfortable.
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And so we'll have a seat.
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And I said, this is true.
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I did see Platoon and I was in sixth grade, six times in the theater.
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In sixth grade?
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In middle school.
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Okay.
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And I was obsessed with that movie.
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You saw it many times in the sixth time.
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Six times, I know.
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So you have, I mean, that's a lot of money in Charlie's pocket.
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Yeah.
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It came directly from you.
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And I'm here to get it back.
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You were dissatisfied.
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That was, that was.
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That was, that was a lot of money in all of our pocket.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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I didn't have any ownership back then.
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Yes.
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Of course.
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Right.
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But one of the things that, you know, between your, your book and the documentary,
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both of which I've found fascinating.
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Thank you.
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And the thing that I do on a personal level was because we're the same vintage,
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I grew up, came of age in the 70s as a kid.
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Sure.
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And in the documentary, you're showing a lot of footage from your super eight films that you're making.
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And I recognize the jeans.
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I recognize the shirts, the jackets.
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I also recognize this idea that there were no helicopter parents back then.
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You just did whatever you did all day long with your friends.
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Sure.
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And my parents never knew what I was up to or what I was doing in my case, not much in your
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case a lot.
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But I was looking at those, looking at your super eight films and I was thinking, yeah, I
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remember this part of my life.
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That resonates with me so powerfully.
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Wow.
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Killing time with your friends, only in your case, your friends are Sean Penn.
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And his brother Chris.
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Chris.
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Yeah.
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Chris, your brother Amelio, your, your, I mean, it's a who's who of very famous actors
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that you're clowning around with.
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Only you're doing the same shit that I was doing in Brooklyn, Massachusetts with my brothers.
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Only we didn't go on to become iconic movie legends.
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You guys did.
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Well, yeah.
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And there's two people that are missing from the dock, only because they joined the party
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late and the choice in the dock to focus on that that specific, you know, capture of
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time.
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And that was Rob and Chad Lowe.
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Yeah.
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So they were also like right down the street.
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It was like, what was in the water?
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Yeah.
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What was in that point?
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Do more.
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It was Rob moisturizing back then as a child.
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Uh, he must have been.
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He must have been.
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Yeah.
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It just, that guy kills me.
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What is he'll be?
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My face rotting like a pumpkin, uh, in the hot late October sun.
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Um, and I've had talks with him and I remember I was talking to him once and he reached into
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his pocket and it came out and there was like a little packet in there and he's like,
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squeaks.
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That true.
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Did that happen?
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I think it happened.
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I think it happened.
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But he, you know, a some internal clock went off that must moisturize.
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But yes, yeah.
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I don't know if Hill outlived me, but his face will outlive me by 120 years.
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Almost.
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Yeah.
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All of us.
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Yeah.
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But, um, one of the things that was fascinating about watching the doc was you're making these
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very innocent films with your friends.
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Then you go off because your dad, Martin Sheen, is going to shoot apocalypse now.
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You and your family join him when you come home from apocalypse now, spending a long
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time in the Philippines, your films change in tone and you actually have some of the props
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from apocalypse now like a severed hand.
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You brought stuff back and suddenly all of the films go from, ha ha, oops, we fell
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down.
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Whoops.
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I went boom.
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Yay.
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Hippie.
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Woo.
spk_0
And then you come back from shooting that and it's people shooting themselves, shooting
spk_0
each other, hands flying.
spk_0
Body parts.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
You're over a completely changed.
spk_0
It did.
spk_0
It did.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
I guess the, um, the violence, the pure spectacle, um, the sheer amount of blood and body
spk_0
parts on apocalypse, like just like a written, you know, like on a Tuesday, you know, um,
spk_0
just seeing that and, and, but also starting to like get, get in touch with, um, you know,
spk_0
not, not with the emotional aspects of effects, make up and go on all that, but with the technical
spk_0
filmic versions of it, you know, and, and then wanting so badly to, to, to emulate that
spk_0
and bring that home.
spk_0
And then basically it went from the stuff you talked about to our prop department just
spk_0
being, um, good guns and blanks and blood.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
That was it.
spk_0
And it was, I mean, it's really funny to see that change and some of that's age, but
spk_0
also you were just on the set up apocalypse now for a long time.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
There's skulls everywhere.
spk_0
There's skulls everywhere.
spk_0
The heads.
spk_0
You're, you're looking at the heads.
spk_0
I mean, there's a lot of you in catering.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
spk_0
There's just skulls and bodies and just here for a taco.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Um, you, uh, had these friends who were becoming famous and then you had your brother,
spk_0
Emilia, who becomes very famous, huge star, and then there's the whole brat pack phenomenon
spk_0
on all those guys and gals.
spk_0
And I remember I came out to LA in 85 and I have a very clear memory of working at sunset
spk_0
gairo studios as a 22 year old walking up the street to, uh, make a deposit at the Wells
spk_0
Fargo on, on sunset and Hollywood.
spk_0
And all of a sudden I saw this Jeep were open Jeep were passed and it was Emilia and
spk_0
Demi and Rotley were all in there going, yeah.
spk_0
And they went by me and I remember thinking, oh boy, you're following my eye could be
spk_0
in that Jeep.
spk_0
That's how I talk back then.
spk_0
Of course, surgery.
spk_0
We all did.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
You're early movies.
spk_0
We're like, I'm going to go to Wall Street.
spk_0
So glad they did ADR and fix that.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
You are around that and I was thinking, oh right, you'd have been around the rep but no
spk_0
one knows who you are yet.
spk_0
And what did that feel like?
spk_0
It felt awful.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
It felt, um, I felt like I was just, you know, taking up the rear.
spk_0
I felt like a valet on certain nights.
spk_0
Even when I was in the mix, like we'd start at the Hard Rock Cafe and then we'd get,
spk_0
you know, wherever the night took us to all the VIP lounges and all the special places
spk_0
where you try to hang out with the untouchables, you know, not the band, like, you know, actual
spk_0
people.
spk_0
Right, right, right.
spk_0
Super famous people.
spk_0
But I never, it felt the worst was when all the attention from all of the pretty girls,
spk_0
you know, and they would all go home with them, you know, and I would just go home.
spk_0
And it was, and I just, but it was in, I think there's a line in the book that my, my
spk_0
inner bear had been poked and it lit a fire.
spk_0
You could see from the pocket moon, you know, um, you knew on some level because had you
spk_0
been a different person, you might have said, well, gee, I'd like to be in their situation,
spk_0
but that's not really my thing.
spk_0
It almost seems to me like you had this subconscious knowledge.
spk_0
I'm supposed to be one of the people that everybody knows.
spk_0
Well, that, that, or at least be part of, um, all of the perks, you know, I didn't give
spk_0
a shit about acting.
spk_0
I was looking at that just like, you know, if I can just give a shit about acting, if I
spk_0
can just get a job that everybody like, you know, lines up to go see, then that's how
spk_0
my nights will end.
spk_0
I mean, seriously, that's kind of you was the inspiration, you are honest to a fault.
spk_0
Thank you.
spk_0
Thank you.
spk_0
I only got into comedy to do good works.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
I know.
spk_0
In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
spk_0
I'm not familiar with these perks, you speak up.
spk_0
No, if you excuse me, I have nine Bentley's duct tape together.
spk_0
I'm going to drive home.
spk_0
There's so much I really recommend the documentary because there's so much in it.
spk_0
Yes, there's all these harrowing tales that you have.
spk_0
There are moments where I, as you, as your star rises and you're self-medicating and
spk_0
you're, you're getting into all kinds of stuff where I'm like, okay, that's not me.
spk_0
Like there's a scene where you're actually being very valiant.
spk_0
You're trying to help a woman out who's in a bad situation.
spk_0
She's in a house with kind of a violent guy.
spk_0
Oh, right, right, right.
spk_0
And you say, well, I, I went to the, I knew she was in there with this tough guy.
spk_0
So I went out to my trunk of my car and popped it open and I took out my, and you know,
spk_0
the exact making.
spk_0
I do.
spk_0
I do.
spk_0
Make a model of the gun.
spk_0
Yeah, it was an HK P7M 13.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Not the way I go.
spk_0
I go for a Glock M8944 slash B carrying the three.
spk_0
They were sold out of those.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
Today, I bought the HK.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
No, no, no, no.
spk_0
I think of it as a lady's handgun, but anyway.
spk_0
It shoots bubbles.
spk_0
What do you want?
spk_0
No, you, you, you, yeah, why was I so specific about that in the dog?
spk_0
In the dog.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
You ran off the name of the gun and you like chamber around and put it in your waist
spk_0
bat.
spk_0
And I'm like, okay, you're an actor.
spk_0
What are you doing?
spk_0
Um, well, you know, rolling through a dangerous neighborhood, right?
spk_0
So I figured I should pack a little heat, but it's in the trunk of your car.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
Could you, could you pardon me for a minute, sir?
spk_0
I'll take care of you.
spk_0
If you don't mind, I'll step out of a car.
spk_0
Get it in the trunk.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Wait, all my, my, my wallets in the trunk.
spk_0
Hey, buddy.
spk_0
Um, no, but it still came in handy.
spk_0
It did.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
That was a tough guy moment, though.
spk_0
It doesn't really speak to like who I claim to be or, or want to be.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
But it did feel dangerous enough, um, that I needed to be armed in that moment, in that
spk_0
creepy place to help her out.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
I just, I'm really glad I didn't have to shoot anybody.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Right?
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Because that's when it gets like confirmation.
spk_0
I mean, it gets, um, no, I say it would be good if you shot up the place.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
Um, well, that's when it gets messy.
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
You know, yeah.
spk_0
And not, and not like our super rate movies.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
This is the real thing.
spk_0
Um, is this just allowed?
spk_0
Are we like not?
spk_0
Uh, I don't see any issue with that.
spk_0
I have no issue with it at all.
spk_0
Just nicotine.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
I don't know what you're all.
spk_0
I mean, I, I'm fine with it.
spk_0
Vapor way.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
What?
spk_0
No, I was going to say he was doing something else since raw, it's audio.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
He said, is this okay?
spk_0
And he started removing his clothes.
spk_0
Can you imagine?
spk_0
He just pulled out a Heckler and Cox, seven, nine, eight.
spk_0
Is this okay if I fire up on him?
spk_0
Um, amazing.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
It's fine.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
I don't know about with it.
spk_0
Um, but back to that.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
I'm not doing this in any particular order.
spk_0
It's just as things come to me.
spk_0
That's all right.
spk_0
And one of the things that comes to me is, which is makes me sad, but you are, uh, very evocative
spk_0
of another very handsome, very talented, extremely verbally funny person that I got to
spk_0
know a little bit, not super well, but Matthew Perry.
spk_0
Oh, wow.
spk_0
He came on my show, just as friends was hitting and he got there early.
spk_0
And I remembered us just chatting in in 30 rock in the hallway and laughing a little
spk_0
walk and laughing.
spk_0
spk_0
And, you know, and, um, I just thought, damn, this guy's so as you are verbally dexterous,
spk_0
funny, then I find out that you guys actually became friendly before he passed away.
spk_0
We did.
spk_0
And then which makes complete sense to him.
spk_0
Sure.
spk_0
Sure.
spk_0
I wish that I had stayed in better touch with him or just stayed more available or his
spk_0
orbit was a hard one to penetrate, you know, or his ecosystem or whatever, which isn't
spk_0
unsurprising because, you know, when people need to be insulated to hide or protect the
spk_0
things that they're doing, the less people getting past the velvet rope, the better, you
spk_0
know?
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
That makes sense.
spk_0
But I read his book and I read it in a day and I just, I started it and I was like,
spk_0
okay, I don't want to do anything else until I finish this.
spk_0
And then I wanted to reach out to him.
spk_0
And then, you know, the kids and stuff in life.
spk_0
And I was like, ah, calm tomorrow, ah, calm next week.
spk_0
And I wanted to just congratulate him and have a laugh about how I was included in his
spk_0
book.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
That there's one line where he says, fuck Charlie Sheen.
spk_0
I'm going to be just as famous one day, you know, he was like using me, like I used
spk_0
the Millio and Rob and dad and the rest of them, you know?
spk_0
And I never got to reach out and first of all, thank him for that and congratulate him
spk_0
on the book.
spk_0
And then he, I think, died a month after I read it.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
It was that, it was there, there was a moment in my childhood.
spk_0
There's a, there was a coffee house in Malibu and it sits like, it was there for years and
spk_0
they finally tore it down like the get rid of everything cool, right?
spk_0
And I think I was 11 or 12.
spk_0
I had decided that Jaws was the greatest film ever made, right?
spk_0
And I saw it in the movie theater 100 times like in a movie theater because it played in
spk_0
theaters for a year or longer.
spk_0
So anyway, in the middle of that, probably 40 showings into that, right?
spk_0
Dad drops me off at that diner and I go in the house and I'll park the car and I'll
spk_0
join you in a minute, right?
spk_0
So he's, I'm waiting for him and a person sits down next to me and I turn and look at him
spk_0
and it's Roy Scheider.
spk_0
Oh wow.
spk_0
It's Chief Brody.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And I'm frozen.
spk_0
I don't know what to do.
spk_0
I literally don't, I, we don't, there's no languages available.
spk_0
There's no, I mean, I'm 12, you know?
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And, and then he was there just briefly.
spk_0
Dad took a while with the car.
spk_0
They knew each other from New York.
spk_0
That introduction could have been like, oh, hey, by the way, it's my son, right?
spk_0
He leaves dad shows up and I say, if it's Chief Brody was just here, right?
spk_0
And he says, oh, it's too bad.
spk_0
I know him.
spk_0
I could have introduced you.
spk_0
So, then that's it.
spk_0
So I never, I never got to tell him that, right?
spk_0
And I was always like, Jesus, if I ever saw, you know, if I ever see him out in the
spk_0
world, then, you know, I'll say, wow, it's a child and this thing.
spk_0
But during two and a half, Holland Taylor played my mom, she knew him.
spk_0
And so she got that message to him.
spk_0
Oh, that's good.
spk_0
Yeah, before he passed, you know?
spk_0
But it was another one of those things.
spk_0
It was with Matthew that it was kind of, it was, it reminded me of the Shider Missed
spk_0
Opportunity.
spk_0
spk_0
Yeah, I mean, Matthew wrote very honestly about his experiences and you must have rang
spk_0
a lot of bells with you about the demons and what it's like to have that kind of, to
spk_0
be wrestling with that level of addiction.
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
And his story, I think, took us more through a lot of the, you know, just a lot of the
spk_0
stuff that he dealt with specifically with rehabs and with detoxes and with that whole
spk_0
world that tends to cycle people.
spk_0
You know what I'm saying?
spk_0
That sort of the business model is to rely on relapse.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And I'm going to get yelled at for saying that, but there's that it's really true.
spk_0
You know, and then they, they probably happen insidiously where that starts out one way
spk_0
but then things can become a business.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And then you want to return customers sometimes and I mean, I'm not, I'm asking, I'm not
spk_0
telling because I don't know.
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
Yes, that, that, that is accurate.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
Well, the lawsuit's on you then.
spk_0
Yeah, that's fine.
spk_0
Fine.
spk_0
Once again, in that, to the stack.
spk_0
There's actually seven stacks behind you of lawsuits.
spk_0
But I, but I could relate to, to a lot of that and just being at the mercy of people all
spk_0
the time and just giving away, giving up your power and giving up your agency and giving
spk_0
up just the, the, the, the light that makes you special, you know, and it just, that just
spk_0
being dimmed, you know, plus I never did the frickin' drug that he, you know, was it?
spk_0
It was it.
spk_0
I mean, ketamine, yeah.
spk_0
It was ketamine.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
The other thing that I'm, I'm grateful that, you know, I was never involved.
spk_0
My heavy-strawberry use never included fentanyl.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
So that was never, there's a good chance you wouldn't be here.
spk_0
Exactly.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Exactly.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
My ex-wife Brooke was engaged to a guy who had a nice business, you know, former athlete,
spk_0
young dude, good looking, but couldn't stop getting loaded and wound up in rehab again and
spk_0
scored dope, some cocaine in rehab and went into the bathroom and did a couple big lines
spk_0
and died on his way to the floor.
spk_0
So it's like, and that was fentanyl.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And I just think about my gosh, how many situation was I in?
spk_0
Where we couldn't like order the fentanyl test strips on Amazon back then, right?
spk_0
I mean, as you can now, you're saying?
spk_0
Well, yeah.
spk_0
Yeah, you can.
spk_0
Right, yeah, right.
spk_0
I think that's the thing.
spk_0
Or the fentanyl on Amazon.
spk_0
Oh, no, the test strips to see if for a second I was like, well, hold on.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
I found this right here.
spk_0
We're wrapping early.
spk_0
Yeah, I misheard you.
spk_0
That's important.
spk_0
But it's not like today when you can just get fentanyl on Amazon.
spk_0
There's another lawsuit, but not me again, you.
spk_0
Yeah, you talk about there was a great quote where you said that you and Matthew Perry,
spk_0
at a friend of yours that described you guys as veterans of the unspeakable.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And that's a downy quote.
spk_0
Is it Jim Downey?
spk_0
No, Robert Downey, Jr.
spk_0
Oh, my God.
spk_0
Yeah, yeah, that's a downy quote.
spk_0
Most people say downy quote and I go to Jim Downey.
spk_0
That's awesome.
spk_0
That's awesome.
spk_0
And you go to that other downy, who no one knows.
spk_0
Maybe one day.
spk_0
Maybe one day.
spk_0
There's another really funny, very funny, really dexterous, extra sky, really an actor.
spk_0
And a lovely man.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
But I gave him a new nickname in my book.
spk_0
I call him Bobby DJ.
spk_0
Oh, that's pretty good, right?
spk_0
I like Bobby DJ.
spk_0
Rolls right off the tongue, right?
spk_0
Yeah, Bobby DJ.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
I don't have one of those.
spk_0
I have a, I'm not going to say guilty pleasure because usually when you say, oh, I watch
spk_0
these comedies on reruns, but I'm friendly with one of your directors on two and a half
spk_0
men, Jamie Widows.
spk_0
Oh, okay.
spk_0
Who's a lovely guy.
spk_0
One of the great people ever.
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
He's a lovely guy.
spk_0
He's hilariously funny.
spk_0
A lot of you will know him like, wait a minute.
spk_0
How do I know that?
spk_0
You know, great TV director, but animal house.
spk_0
He's an animal house.
spk_0
He's Hoover, I believe.
spk_0
Oh, an animal house.
spk_0
You know, well, now hold on a second, Dean, you know, I used it down.
spk_0
You know, that smug guy.
spk_0
And he tells great stories from that set.
spk_0
He has great stories about blue she has great stories.
spk_0
I mean, I got to get him on here to tell those great stories that his price is high.
spk_0
So anyway, he talks about you should be getting paid.
spk_0
Hundreds of thousands of dollars.
spk_0
spk_0
Wow.
spk_0
They skipped that part.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
No, no, you'll be paid.
spk_0
Two and a half men, anytime that show is on, I'll watch it.
spk_0
Seriously?
spk_0
Yeah, because your character in that is funny in a way, because I'm such a comedy nerd.
spk_0
I'm like, this is a little different.
spk_0
I'm trying to think of who else has been funny in this way.
spk_0
It feels very original to me to be playing that rhythm on a sitcom.
spk_0
It just felt unique to me.
spk_0
You feel like there's some precedence for it?
spk_0
Well, yeah, I was I was borrowing or honoring parts of it from Ted Danson.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
But it's darker.
spk_0
It is darker.
spk_0
It is darker.
spk_0
It had to be somewhat likable.
spk_0
Of course.
spk_0
That didn't seem to trouble your character at all being likable.
spk_0
You know, like he's there's you still like your character.
spk_0
Right, right.
spk_0
You're not afraid to say the most horrendous things.
spk_0
Right, because I had confidence that whatever that they that my character would wind up
spk_0
doing that they he would ultimately always be forgiven.
spk_0
I've watched the blocking on that show.
spk_0
I think you burned four calories in episode.
spk_0
You're always very comfortably dressed.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
And you're always usually sitting one leg crossed over the other with a beer.
spk_0
And then other people can melt have complete meltdowns or John can have a complete meltdown.
spk_0
You're watching.
spk_0
You've got some great jokes.
spk_0
Sure.
spk_0
Then cuts you in bed with an incredibly different beautiful woman every week.
spk_0
You know, I mean, did you win some kind of contest?
spk_0
Must have.
spk_0
Must have.
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
No, that's that's an aspect to it that nobody complained about.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Actors or the audience.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And interestingly enough, I was either married or in some relationship.
spk_0
No, it was only two relationships during the entirety of two and a half was either with Denise married
spk_0
and then that went bad and then Brooke married and then that went bad.
spk_0
So anybody you see me dating on the show is just on the show, which kind of sucked.
spk_0
I love that you're acting like I know it's hard to believe, but I didn't actually sleep with that woman in that scene.
spk_0
That's usually the case.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
This is going to be hard for you to believe, but I've interviewed thousands and thousands of women over 30 years of television.
spk_0
And guess what?
spk_0
I didn't sleep with any of them.
spk_0
Seriously?
spk_0
Wow.
spk_0
How was that possible?
spk_0
Thanks, pal.
spk_0
Thanks.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
Sorry.
spk_0
spk_0
Wow.
spk_0
Wow.
spk_0
You rock be into it.
spk_0
I had to.
spk_0
Wow.
spk_0
I had to.
spk_0
You mentioned that you watch it whenever it's on.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Do you know who else does?
spk_0
My parents.
spk_0
Your parents will stop what they're doing.
spk_0
And if they've finished dinner or they're about then two and a half is on, they'll just sit down.
spk_0
That's fantastic.
spk_0
And they'll just take it in.
spk_0
And then I'll show up at the house the next day, right?
spk_0
Not be like, hey, we watched this episode.
spk_0
We're so and so does this and then the kid did that.
spk_0
And then so what?
spk_0
Why did John do that other thing?
spk_0
And I'm like, mom, I don't, I can't answer that question.
spk_0
I don't remember the episode.
spk_0
You know what I'm saying?
spk_0
They want specific details.
spk_0
Oh, I know.
spk_0
You know what I'm saying?
spk_0
And I, and I, and I'm like, okay, give me a little bit of backstory.
spk_0
And all the backstories are identical.
spk_0
You know what I'm saying?
spk_0
It's the week you threw John out of the house.
spk_0
I'm like, I need, I'm like, I need more.
spk_0
I need, I need more, mom.
spk_0
I need more.
spk_0
You're slightly, yeah, I'm pleasant.
spk_0
You're skeptical.
spk_0
That's something John's trying to do is going to work out.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
And you're drunk in the scene.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
You immediately throw one woman over for another.
spk_0
What happened in that episode?
spk_0
I really like watching you and John cry.
spk_0
Oh, thank you.
spk_0
And scenes together.
spk_0
There's a really nice real chemistry there.
spk_0
Thank you.
spk_0
And I know I was happy because I'm friendly with John and I know that you guys went through
spk_0
stuff.
spk_0
Sure.
spk_0
And that could not have been easy for John.
spk_0
Sure.
spk_0
I was very happy that he participated.
spk_0
I was too.
spk_0
That was too.
spk_0
spk_0
It felt like there was a bit of a, let's put that behind us.
spk_0
Let's come together, which I thought was for the most part.
spk_0
For the most part.
spk_0
Yeah, absolutely.
spk_0
spk_0
For the most part, who is who is who?
spk_0
Because there's a couple of moments in the, in the doc where he's still kind of hacking
spk_0
on me a little bit, you know?
spk_0
And then he's questioning like if he should be in the doc because, you know, was it going
spk_0
to be another sheen experience that starts great and finishes in the toilet, you know?
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
spk_0
So I proved him wrong this time.
spk_0
Have you though?
spk_0
Because I, many people consider coming on this podcast to be a rock bottom.
spk_0
I forget.
spk_0
And by the way, I went through all of your experiences both in the book and the doc.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
This is your rock bottom.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
Okay.
spk_0
This beats you going to your, the trunk of your car for a MI 15, 33, 23, 23, 23, what is it?
spk_0
36, so whatever.
spk_0
I, it was a different time.
spk_0
When you watch 60s movies that joke about women's measurements all the time that people
spk_0
did back then, what is it?
spk_0
She's 24 or 30.
spk_0
I forget how it's 26, 20 or 36.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
spk_0
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
spk_0
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
You watch it now and it's just a standard thing like she's 36, you know, 24 or 36.
spk_0
You're like, you're listing the mech her bust and hip measurements.
spk_0
What?
spk_0
I never, I've never understood it.
spk_0
Clearly.
spk_0
There doesn't need to be math in that moment.
spk_0
Oh, man.
spk_0
When you, you're taking what should be a beautiful moment and renters, reducing it to geometry
spk_0
to ratios, the ratio of hip to breast is quite pleasing.
spk_0
It's the golden mean that Greeks discussed the bag of rean theorem.
spk_0
Your Emilio is not in and your dad's not in is that do you, I think you mentioned at
spk_0
one point you wish they were in the doc, but it, they maybe felt like they don't want
spk_0
to speak to all of this.
spk_0
I don't know.
spk_0
They watched a rough cut of the first episode at my house with the director Andrew Renzi
spk_0
Ramon was there.
spk_0
Mom was there and, and, and they loved it.
spk_0
They were so entertained.
spk_0
They were laughing.
spk_0
They were just like they were so engaged.
spk_0
And then they both said, we, you know, dad said, I'm already in this thing.
spk_0
I'm already represented in this thing.
spk_0
And I, and I liked the way I look in that better than today.
spk_0
He said, he said, you don't want to do.
spk_0
He said, you don't want the old version of me.
spk_0
You know, like, well, kind of, and, well, you know, it's, that's the authentic moment
spk_0
right now.
spk_0
And so, so he said, no, no, no, I, I can't.
spk_0
And then Emilio, they both decided that, that, or came to a realization that they, it
spk_0
was my story.
spk_0
And, and even though they're, they're, you know, part of my life, obviously the whole
spk_0
journey, they didn't want to get in the way of my story.
spk_0
They didn't want to, in any way, put it through their own filters or, or in, in ways that
spk_0
might misrepresent some of the stuff, how it actually happened, you know, they didn't
spk_0
want to get in the way.
spk_0
But of course the press jumps on it and they're like, they're not in it.
spk_0
What's the backstory?
spk_0
What's the feud, you know, and there, there's like none.
spk_0
Well, I, your dad is a very special place in my heart because early on when I was doing
spk_0
my show in 93, 94 and people were saying, what is this?
spk_0
Who is this guy?
spk_0
This comedy is aggressively strange.
spk_0
We had a bit where it's very hard to explain, but it was stay in your seat theater where
spk_0
we would have, yeah, already funny.
spk_0
Well we would have, we, we needed a, someone with gravitas, who would, I think it was a
spk_0
medical drama and we needed an actor who would, a guest who would be the medical drama.
spk_0
But what happened is we had other actors with green screen sort of felt over their faces,
spk_0
moving to different positions.
spk_0
And then when their line came up, we would take someone from the audience, literally a person
spk_0
who had been waiting in line outside Rock For a Center 20 minutes ago, their face would
spk_0
suddenly be put on the actor's bodies.
spk_0
They're just sitting in their seat.
spk_0
I don't know if anyone's seen this, but they would project it.
spk_0
It's early, early, aggressively weird stuff.
spk_0
Your dad said he'd do it.
spk_0
And so, I mean, we never thought Martin Sheen would do this and he'd be the superimposed
spk_0
face.
spk_0
No, he, he was the actual guy.
spk_0
He's got it.
spk_0
Martin Sheen has the doctor and then he'd turn to another doctor and go, what's the diagnosis?
spk_0
And we'd be a, just a, you know, a body there with the green sock on.
spk_0
And then someone from the audience who's just sitting in their seat, who's from the Bronx,
spk_0
their face would be there doing a scene and they would just, we'd hold up a cute card
spk_0
and it'd say, three CCs of Palahoma, Sanma-san, and your dad would go like, great.
spk_0
And one more thing.
spk_0
I mean, love with you, you know, and your dad just went for it.
spk_0
Did he commit to the whole thing?
spk_0
He did, I mean, of course he did.
spk_0
He committed to it 1,000%.
spk_0
That's amazing.
spk_0
And I, he was lovely to me and we had a great conversation and I've always just had
spk_0
a, just a, I mean, who does that?
spk_0
Especially with his stature, you know, put this new guy, something that's bound to fail,
spk_0
let's do it.
spk_0
Yeah, me, yeah, exactly.
spk_0
So, well, I'm, I'm glad that you guys are, and you talk about this.
spk_0
I didn't realize that Emilio was the first choice for, but Oliver Stone wanted for Platoon.
spk_0
Interesting, right?
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Interesting isn't the word.
spk_0
I know, I know.
spk_0
It's, but Anna's.
spk_0
Let's go with interesting.
spk_0
I know.
spk_0
I was not used to fruit.
spk_0
But no, it, I mean, first of all, stuff between siblings and brothers, especially I think
spk_0
can be, and I shouldn't say that, sisters too, but stuff between brothers is extremely
spk_0
loaded.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
Then you're both saying, let's do this acting thing.
spk_0
You know, Emilio's first having success, then there's this, what turns out to be in very
spk_0
important film, very important big director, and Emilio's their first choice.
spk_0
He's going to do it.
spk_0
And then something happens, the project gets delayed, and then they come around and they
spk_0
say, well, Charlie, Oliver wants to see you for it now.
spk_0
Yeah, how heavy is that?
spk_0
Um, it's, man, it's, it's a trip.
spk_0
Um, Emilio and I like never had that moment where we like sat down and processed it
spk_0
or even gave it the, you know, it never existed between us that we felt that we needed to,
spk_0
you know, because it wasn't like that, that didn't work out for him and then he did nothing.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
You know, he did a ton of cool shit and films that people are still talking about to this
spk_0
day, you know.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Um, you know, I didn't mean to speak for him, but he told me that he didn't love the script.
spk_0
Mm-hmm.
spk_0
And then you didn't love the script and then, um, if you ever have him on, there's a story
spk_0
with him and Tom Cruise, like jogging on the beach.
spk_0
That's already a great image, isn't it?
spk_0
Um, yeah.
spk_0
Soul motion, the whole thing.
spk_0
Um, and they're talking about the script of Platoon, and they're kind of comparing notes
spk_0
and Emilio's like, well, what about this thing?
spk_0
What about when he, you know, and then when the bunny character pees and the, and the
spk_0
dead VCs face and calls him this thing, you know, and like, what about all that?
spk_0
And Tom's like, yeah, man, that's pretty gnarly.
spk_0
And, and so it, uh, I don't think we, us losing the Vietnam War.
spk_0
That's a drag.
spk_0
That part.
spk_0
We should win it.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
But so I don't, I don't think Emilio really felt like he missed out, um, and a fantastic
spk_0
opportunity, which is interesting.
spk_0
I, I'm, until he saw it and was like, oh, shit, but I think he sees that, um, it, it,
spk_0
it's a, it just wouldn't been a slightly different film with him than it was with me.
spk_0
Because that is, I think that is the only part that we've, we've ever, uh, what's the,
spk_0
across swords on?
spk_0
No, that's not right.
spk_0
Um, well, what is the thing?
spk_0
Is the image in my head now?
spk_0
Uh, uh, been changing that.
spk_0
Um, it's the only, uh, role that, that, that ever, uh, where your penis is touched.
spk_0
Where our penis is touched.
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
I'm trying to help you.
spk_0
Am I helping at the premiere?
spk_0
Um, so, what?
spk_0
What the hell?
spk_0
Um, that's not in the dark, is it?
spk_0
Jesus.
spk_0
I wanted to save something good for this, you know?
spk_0
Sorry, Emilio.
spk_0
No, I've done it.
spk_0
Well, this is another story that's fascinating.
spk_0
You give a verbal commitment or you sign a contract to do grizzly two revenge.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
It was originally called grizzly two, the predator, uh-huh, just for anybody, any cinephiles
spk_0
out there that think I'm violating the, you know, the, the true spirit of the grizzly
spk_0
franchise.
spk_0
Well, I'm just going to tell you, I'm going to be smirching the great Matt Gourley,
spk_0
grizzly, not grizzly two revenge in the theater 75 times.
spk_0
I'll thank you to respect the sanctity of my favorite film series, regardless of whether
spk_0
you are in it.
spk_0
I'm out of here.
spk_0
I moved to dismiss.
spk_0
spk_0
Motion denied.
spk_0
But, you know, you, this is the crazy story.
spk_0
So you've said, yes, I'll do grizzly two revenge, which by the way, um, also, uh, stars, uh,
spk_0
George Clooney and, um, Laura Dern.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
So there's a lot of great talent came out of grizzly two and the bear has gone on to
spk_0
it.
spk_0
There he has.
spk_0
Now the, uh, yeah, this is the whole, that whole honey company.
spk_0
That's stupid.
spk_0
That was stupid.
spk_0
He's the ball Newman.
spk_0
The, that was useless.
spk_0
He's the ball Newman of honey.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Um, all profits go to me.
spk_0
Uh, but, you know, you say you're going to do that.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
And then you get this call that they want you to be the star of the karate kid.
spk_0
That happened.
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
And take it.
spk_0
Uh, so I, uh, I think it was on a Friday and, um, and I went and I auditioned with, um,
spk_0
with Abelson, correct?
spk_0
Mm-hmm.
spk_0
We have a research team here.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
John Abelson.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And I thought the, uh, audition was a disaster.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
And it was the scene where he wakes up from the beating of the bullies, right?
spk_0
And he wakes up, um, to his, to this, you know, his mystical sense, right?
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And so to Pat Marita.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And then, um, the dialogue was kind of stilted and didn't really have any kind of flow.
spk_0
And like it did in that scene, but it's not supposed to.
spk_0
That's kind of their first encounter, isn't it?
spk_0
Yes.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
So there should be a little tentative.
spk_0
Exactly.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
And I thought I tanked it and I'm on the drive home.
spk_0
I was like, all right, let's just park that and just do better next time.
spk_0
You know, and I get to Glenis Liberty's apartment in Santa Monica.
spk_0
She was my very first agent, right?
spk_0
Who actually got her agent's license because I decided that like, I was going to have
spk_0
been coming out there.
spk_0
Wow.
spk_0
You know, and she was the friend of my mom's, but she worked for Pollock and Redford and,
spk_0
you know, she knew her way around.
spk_0
And so, um, we, we would usually have like a chalk talk at the end of the day of auditions
spk_0
and stuff like that.
spk_0
And, and she was on the street, like looking for me.
spk_0
And I thought somebody had died.
spk_0
And I pull up and she like runs right up to me and, and, and she's like crying and,
spk_0
and babbling and, and just so excited.
spk_0
I couldn't believe it.
spk_0
And I'm like, slow down, slow down, slow down.
spk_0
What's going on?
spk_0
And she said they, they, they, they need you in, in karate training on Monday.
spk_0
You got the power.
spk_0
And while I'm like, well, hold on.
spk_0
Today is Friday.
spk_0
So, and she's like, yes, you, you're, you're going to be the karate kid.
spk_0
It's like the biggest film in town, right?
spk_0
And I'm like, ah, okay.
spk_0
But I have to, um, I got the thing with the bear.
spk_0
I got the predator thing.
spk_0
And where is that shooting, that shooting in Budapest?
spk_0
spk_0
And not like when it's cool to be in Budapest, you know?
spk_0
And so, she said, well, I'm sure there's, you know, I'm sure there's a way to get
spk_0
you out of that and, and, and, and, you know, what should I tell them?
spk_0
And I said, I just tell them that maybe we, if we could just have the weekend, you know?
spk_0
So I took the weekend and went to dad and I said, hey, I got this amazing opportunity,
spk_0
like a career-making move, this giant movie that I think is, you know, it's, it's got
spk_0
hit, written all over it, you know, it's a game changer.
spk_0
And he says, and I said, um, so help me out, give me like a cool way to, to, to get out
spk_0
of the grizzly thing.
spk_0
And he didn't even, he didn't even offer anything in, in, in that regard, he, he just said,
spk_0
well, so you gave them your word, right?
spk_0
And I'm like, the grizzly people, yeah.
spk_0
I'm like, well, yeah, but it's a thing with the bear and Budapest, it's, it's, it's totally
spk_0
forgettable.
spk_0
Anyone can get eaten by a bear or dad, right?
spk_0
And he's like, he's like, I'm narrowly beat out a side of ham.
spk_0
Exactly.
spk_0
And he said, it's not about that.
spk_0
It's not about that.
spk_0
It's about that, you know, one big film is in this business, it's not going to carry
spk_0
you as far as, you know, being known as, as a, as a man of their word.
spk_0
So I had to sell that to Glenis, you know, and she was like, yeah, have you lost your mind?
spk_0
And then after a while she agreed with pop.
spk_0
And so, how was it when karate kid comes out and it's huge?
spk_0
Was that must have stung a little bit?
spk_0
A lot of it.
spk_0
Did you go in?
spk_0
A lot of it.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
You go and see it in the theater with the bear.
spk_0
I think I took sure both of you.
spk_0
Oh, you fucked up.
spk_0
It's just got a big paw.
spk_0
You're taking more than your share.
spk_0
You're splitting up.
spk_0
They offered me the part of me.
spk_0
He could have been, the bear could have been Miyagi.
spk_0
This is great.
spk_0
The bear was supposed to be Miyagi.
spk_0
You were supposed to be around Machio.
spk_0
The whole thing is fucked.
spk_0
Oh my God.
spk_0
But he went with, oh, I, everyone just sees me as the thing that he chases people and
spk_0
eats things.
spk_0
Because I'm a bear.
spk_0
But anyway, I saw them move with their leg on a Friday night.
spk_0
And it was interesting.
spk_0
It was a strange mashup of intense jealousy, right?
spk_0
And missed opportunity.
spk_0
All that stuff.
spk_0
But add to that relief.
spk_0
There was a relief.
spk_0
And I don't know how to explain what that was about.
spk_0
I think Ralph was so freaking good in that movie, right?
spk_0
That I was looking at ways like, how would I have done that differently?
spk_0
How would I have done that at all?
spk_0
And I was kind of like, okay, I think I kind of dodged a bullet here.
spk_0
I don't think they would have filmed the whole movie with me.
spk_0
Right.
spk_0
I think they would have been like, okay, cool.
spk_0
No, you gave it a hell of an effort, kid.
spk_0
But you know, yeah.
spk_0
But also, I've had that experience at my age now where I can look back the things that
spk_0
I missed out on that I was convinced were essential to me moving ahead that devastated
spk_0
me at the time.
spk_0
Sure.
spk_0
Now, I see them and I go, well, they don't fit this arc that I have at all.
spk_0
Interesting.
spk_0
They just don't.
spk_0
And you could not, if I got into time machine on my way here today, there was some street
spk_0
work.
spk_0
So I had to pass my old apartment on Cochrane.
spk_0
I had a $380 month apartment in 1986.
spk_0
I lived on the first floor away in the back.
spk_0
I looked out on an alley and I passed that apartment.
spk_0
I always slow down if I'm in that neighborhood and look at that apartment.
spk_0
Wow.
spk_0
Because it was going to sound weird, but I almost feel like there's a ghost of me from 1985
spk_0
that's, I used to sit on the steps of those apartment of that apartment complex and think,
spk_0
like, how am I going to make this thing work?
spk_0
I don't know.
spk_0
Wow.
spk_0
And so every now and then, I'm like, I'm on my way to go talk to Charlie Sheen and I've
spk_0
had a pretty good run.
spk_0
But I'll stop and sort of honor that moment at that apartment at that time.
spk_0
If you, if I could talk to that guy now and say, trust me, the gig that you were, it's
spk_0
between you and another guy to go work, be a writer performer for Letterman and you didn't
spk_0
get it.
spk_0
And they only hire like one person every three years and that you're not going to be
spk_0
on that boat.
spk_0
I still think that kid would have said you're out of your mind.
spk_0
That was my chance and it's over.
spk_0
I'm not going to make it.
spk_0
And I've had like nine of those, you know?
spk_0
And then you, but then you look at it later on and you go, no, you weren't supposed to
spk_0
do body kid.
spk_0
Wasn't supposed to happen.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
No.
spk_0
And because that church, that choice changes other choices.
spk_0
So then you're not going to get platoon.
spk_0
You're not going to get exactly.
spk_0
You're not going to get Wall Street.
spk_0
You're not going to get none of those things happen if you do.
spk_0
Probably not.
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
Probably not.
spk_0
And, you know, following like that amazing in theater experience with, you know, the
spk_0
karate kid, as we know it, I didn't work for like eight months after that.
spk_0
And then I started writing stories about, okay, gosh, maybe they've, maybe they've tried
spk_0
to blackball me because I said no to their big, you know, their big event franchise film,
spk_0
you know?
spk_0
Yeah.
spk_0
It, it, it just so that sort of compounded the, the, you know, the funk that, that, that
spk_0
left me in, you know?
spk_0
And you did contemplate like I could be a cinematographer.
spk_0
I could be an a, like, I could get into this business in another way if this doesn't
spk_0
work out.
spk_0
Sure.
spk_0
That was more really, because I had done all of those jobs in our super eight world.
spk_0
You know, I'm not saying I did them well, but I had enough knowledge about, you know,
spk_0
what, what happened on both sides of the camera, you know?
spk_0
And that was sort of the pitch to my parents at the, at the breakfast table that first
spk_0
morning of summer after, you know, being kicked out of high school.
spk_0
I, I kind of sold them on this thing and it's in the book.
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I don't know if it's in the dog, but I said, look, I'm going to give the acting thing
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a shot, you know, I'm just going to spend this first summer of freedom, just auditioning
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and just see where that takes me.
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If that doesn't work out, then the kind of the, that a big lie, but the medium-sized lie
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that I told them was that I'll, I'll go to film school and I'll learn how to, you know,
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I'll be a editor or director or cinematographer.
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And, you know, and so I just wanted them to feel like there was, there was a backup plan
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that, that, that wasn't the same one that, that dad had struggled with first so long in
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his early years, you know?
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Yeah.
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And they bought it.
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They bought it.
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You know, they thought, okay, yeah.
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He wants to be a botanist.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Which is a moment.
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It was a moment.
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Yeah.
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And I just, you know, your original name, Carlos Estevez, but Carlos had already been
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Charlie from throughout childhood.
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Okay.
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Because we've had an uncle Carlos, Dan's brother.
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And so some of them, you know, hey, Carlos, we both like him in the room and that, you
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know, we had to put a stop to that, right?
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Yeah.
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There's only room for one Carlos.
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Yeah.
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And, and seniority rules in that moment.
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Yes.
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So I became Charlie and then I was a steve as all the way through high school.
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And then when I made the change or when I decided to give this thing a shot, I sat with
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them and I said, I really want to use Sheen.
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It's got about a ring to it.
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You know, a million was already used in a steve as, and that way you've, you've got both
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bookends of your heritage, uh, yeah, represented out in the world.
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You're a good salesman.
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Thank you.
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You are so good.
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I'm in the wrong business.
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Well, you and I should start an advertising agency.
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I'd love to.
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I would love to.
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Yeah.
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I just, I just, yeah, and I meant you say to your dad like, I can see it in lights, pop
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right?
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Exactly.
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Charlie Sheen, you weren't wrong, you know, but I mean, I just, I, it was plus it was easier
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to say.
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Yeah.
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You know, what's your name?
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I'm Charlie Sheen.
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And even the one I walked in here, it stumped me.
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Yeah.
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And that's like on camera.
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That's going to be on like YouTube.
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Yeah.
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I know.
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I know you're screwed.
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You're screwed.
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Hi, my name is, well, I don't want to take all your time.
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I'm going to say this.
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No, first of all, you said you wanted to hand me some things, but I don't know if you still
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do.
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Maybe you changed your mind.
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I know.
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I absolutely did not change my mind.
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Um, you and I had a banter that I think ran that ran over the course of a couple years.
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Mm-hmm.
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And it was during spin city.
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Remember, I was on the zone diet and I was like super thin and like eating nothing.
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Right.
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But I had this thing on Friday night.
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There was a treat to myself that was called the McFlurry.
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Do you remember this?
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Yes.
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And we had great runs about that.
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We had, yes, the McFlurry was important to us.
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Yes.
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And then you said you would always say, well, has McDonald's reached out and, and, and like,
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offered you free food for life or anything great like that?
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And I'm like, no, unbelievable.
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Yeah.
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And then you would make jokes like, uh, well, why are you out here talking about?
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But McFlurry, why aren't you saying, uh, the name's like a Porsche and, uh, yes, yes,
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Ed's Diamond store and, you remember how you said, yes, yes, yes.
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So shortly after that, this shows up in the mail like no joke.
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The guy from Arby's.
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The guy from Arby's.
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Bill Arby?
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You know what I'm very saying.
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Um, he sent me that.
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Oh my God.
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And Arby's free food for life.
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Hard.
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Yes.
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I don't know if we can push in on that or, you know, yes, this is, and it's signed on
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the back.
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Yeah.
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Uh, I mean, carrying that around for like 20 years.
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I love that you have this.
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And also, and you're the reason I have it.
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You're welcome.
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You're welcome.
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And can I say one thing?
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This.
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I want to know, but you go to Arby's and order everything and then when they go, wow,
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so cool to meet you.
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Oh, and by the way,
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I'm not paid.
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And you're, you're driving like the nicest car in the world.
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You know, here, here's the good news.
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I've never used it.
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I've never used it.
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No, it's nice to Arby's, but you know, I love Arby's.
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I think Arby's, they, they, it hasn't changed in years and that's good things.
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That's good.
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They do have the meat.
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But, um, I, I just, I, I imagine there'd be a line behind me.
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And just what you said and the guy brings all the stuff.
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And I'm like, well, I got this thing.
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And then he's like, okay, well, there's some paperwork.
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Yes, right.
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Yes.
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And then I'm like filling stuff out.
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People are recognized.
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TMZ shooting it.
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Yeah.
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And they're like, uh, and then he's like, what it, uh, so that's two shakes, three roast
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beans like in bananas.
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Yeah.
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Like in the family who had the, uh, yeah.
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Yeah.
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So I've never used it, but I saved it.
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And I don't know.
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I just had it all these years.
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It's just hanging on to it.
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It's survived the car.
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You know where that needs to go?
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The trunk of your car.
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There it is right next to go.
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Yeah.
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The Bpx 456.
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You need to see a gun.
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No, you can take the honest road to free armies of the disallostrode.
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We can play it the day.
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I rob you of these poor beef sandwiches.
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Or get them for free either way.
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Leave it here.
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Either way.
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Leave it here with the meat.
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Yeah.
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Wow.
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Charlie Sheet, this is what I'll say.
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This is one of my favorite sessions.
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And I mean, it's up there in the pantheon.
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You always, since I first met you, a delight to talk to a really funny
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person.
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Thank you.
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Like you have been very honest about your struggles and the craziness.
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And you know, went downstairs and you got here.
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And I just, I told you we hugged.
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And I said, I'm really glad you're still here.
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Wow.
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Thank you.
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Because we lose all these people.
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Yeah.
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We lose these beautiful people.
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We lose these really funny, wonderful, and people, we lose so many people.
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Sure.
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And I'm just very grateful that you're just still with us.
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Thank you.
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And thank you.
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Go go with God.
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What the hell was that?
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You're very, very religious today.
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It was powerful.
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We'll change it.
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Go with Satan.
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Satan.
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Go with Satan.
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I already went.
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I was saying, I know.
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I already went.
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I was saying, I think it was like enough with him.
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He wouldn't, he moved in and wouldn't leave.
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Go with Arby's.
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Go with Arby's.
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Charlie.
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Seriously, thank you so much for being here.
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Thank you.
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It was great.
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This is a musical by Jimmy Vivino.
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Take it away, Jimmy.
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Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
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Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burnt's, additional production support
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by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Khan.
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You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read
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on a future episode.
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Got a question for Conan?
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Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.
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It too could be featured on a future episode.
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You can also get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash
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And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien, Needs A Friend, wherever
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