Technology
Can I Be Happy, Have Horses, And Be A Good Mom? | Ep 36
In this episode, the host candidly shares her struggles of balancing motherhood, work, and her passion for horses. She reflects on the challenges of finding joy and maintaining her identity as a horse...
Can I Be Happy, Have Horses, And Be A Good Mom? | Ep 36
Technology •
0:00 / 0:00
Interactive Transcript
Speaker A
All right, guys. So today I decided that I was gonna kind of roll with it and make my own episode. And today especially just because, as you can tell, I look very tired. It is about being a mom, being an adult amateur, and all things horse while being a mom. So lately, you know, there's days that you win some, and there's days that you lose some. And today definitely started as a day where I was losing a lot. I woke up and, you know, everything was going well. We started our normal routine. My baby's now almost nine months old, and so we were just, you know, going through the normal motions and getting ready for the day. And I had planned. Planned to go ride with Kelly at her farm. And, you know, it's just been really tough for me to get out to the barn. And it's been, you know, having. The more. The older that he gets my baby, the more I feel like he wants to be interactive. He wants to play. He doesn't want to sit in a stroller or a bassinet. And just as you can hear him, he doesn't really want to just sit, and he wants more interaction. And so, anyways, my plan today was, it's gonna be fine. We're gonna go. We're gonna ride with Kelly. She's got two horses at her farm, and so I was planning to ride one, and then her trainer was going to be there, and so it was gonna allow for, you know, somebody to watch Baker while I rode a little bit. I mean, it's obviously not the trainer's job to, you know, it was nice, and it was gonna be a fun day. And then got a phone call about something going on at my farm, and, you know, just kind of spirals the whole morning while I'm trying to get ready. And then, you know, it's Baker's nap time, and we're gonna miss his normal nap time. So I was like, okay, great. Kelly lives about 45 minutes to an hour away from me. It'll be fine. I'll put him in the car and he'll nap. That did not happen. He cried the entire way. I'm talking boohooing, can't catch his breath. Kicking, screaming, crying. He did not. I don't know if he was over tired. It was exactly his nap time. He usually falls asleep in the car. He cries for a little bit, and then he passes out. That did not happen. We cried the entire way to Kelly's house, and then the minute I got there, got him out of his car seat, and he was fine. Like, A switch flipped, and he was all of a sudden, okay, so basically, that is where I'm gonna start my story. I. I'm not sure if this is coffee for you guys that want to see it, but I'm not sure if it shouldn't be wine at this point, but. So I have been really struggling with balancing work, being a mom, and then having horses and being an adult amateur. And I keep telling my husband, like, I'm really struggling to find my joy a little bit. I obviously love my child more than anything in this world, but I've lost kind of my joy for anything outside of being a mom. I'm really prideful in the fact that I'm a mom. I'm really prideful that, you know, I have Baker and that I have so much to show for it. But I am just missing my joy. I'm missing that time at the barn. I'm missing just kind of, you know. And in podcasts earlier, we've talked about how, like, I was the girl who used to go to the barn, and I used to spend. I was like the adult version of a barn rat. If I had a day off from work, I was at the barn from sun up till sundown. I was helping, I was watering, I was hanging, I was feeding, feeding. I was turning out. I was doing whatever I could to help my trainer and kind of everybody have a good, you know, day at the barn. And I was just, like, thriving. I was riding both my horses. They were both getting done. They looked great. They were. I was showing, you know, whatever. And since having Baker, you know, the original newborn period, I was able to start getting back into lessons. I was starting to be able to ride more. It was a lot easier to do when he was a newborn because I could just get him to go in the bassinet and just sleep. And honestly, he would sleep, like, for three hours until I was done riding. And so that is no longer. He just doesn't want to be confined. And he's starting to have this stranger danger and separation anxiety where, like, literally, if he's in his playroom and I walk away to the other side of the bar, he's like, no, ma', am, and starts crying and just losing his mind until I show up again. And so intensify that a little bit in a riding scenario at a barn and you're like, okay, like, I gotta go get my horse. I gotta go tack him up. I gotta go, you know, do all these things. And he's sitting in the stroller, and every time I Walk away, he just loses it. So I basically have not been riding. I have been at home with him, you know, trying to figure out his nap routines. He's teething, he's solids are like full blown right now. And I'm pumping 24, 7. I am an exclusive pumper. I pump five times a day in the middle of the night still, and it's just constant. I am constantly pumping for him and I. That was my goal as a mom. I wanted to provide, you know, 12 months of breastfeeding or breast milk. I wasn't able to breastfeed, and that's a whole other story. But I was able to exclusively pump for him and so I'm exclusively pumping. And so not only am I taking care of him and trying to manage outside, like household duties and then outside of the house, you know, I have work and I have the horses and you know, my parents are a little bit older, they live on a farm. I kind of have to, you know, really attend to them and help them and they help me too. And so shout out to all the moms out there who have in laws and parents who help them out because I could not do it without them. But so, yeah, I've just been in a place where taking care of this baby has kind of consumed a good portion of my life and I've had to. So basically with managing all these responsibilities and trying to be the best mom that I want to be, there's a lot of mom guilt that I feel by sitting him at the ring and having him in a stroller and being like, hey, so and so random person there, can you watch him? Or. So I just, I don't know if anybody out there else out there is struggling maybe as much as I am or maybe not at all, but. And I'm proud of you if you're not. But I am just like, honest to God, it is really hard and I have a lot to manage and I have an extreme amount of mom guilt. And whether or not that is self imposed or true guilt, I don't know. A lot of it is probably self imposed as a mom, especially being the type a person that I am, but I just, I can't let myself bring him to the barn and put him in a stroller and have him cry or have. Or expect other people to. Or expect other people to watch him for me and be like, oh, hey, random person that's watching their daughter ride, could you, you know, watch my kid for me? Or you know, my days off are limited. I never know when I'M gonna get called into work. I, you know, I work days, I work nights, I work 24 hour shifts. So when I'm home after a 24 hour shift, all I want to do is play with my baby. And then I, I lose sight of who I am. I lose sight of the fun things that I used to do when I was not working and not. And didn't have a baby. And so don't get me wrong, this is not to say that I do not love my baby in every moment of our life together, because I do. Even the hard days are so rewarding when he comes through the other side or wakes up from a nap and sees me and is so excited. There is nothing more rewarding than that. But I'm just finding it difficult to find the balance of who I was before being a mom and who I am now as a mom and how my horses fit into that. I have two horses and one of them is so talented. He is, I mean, the end all be all sweet, sweet boy. And he deserves more than I'm able to give him at this point. He is so freaking talented. He needs to be out there showing. He needs somebody that can go out there and ride on him and love on him all the time. And that, like, breaks my heart that I'm not there to be his, his mom. And then I have a young horse who's in training and right now he's had some time off because his feet are a whole issue and we're having trouble growing enough foot to put shoes on. But that's a whole other story as well. But I feel bad because I'm not there every day to paint his feet like I would be usually or, you know, just diligently making sure that none of them have fungus. It's like the mom horse mom version of me is a lot different. And I'm not sure that I feel super supported or understood sometimes. I think my friends try to understand, I think my husband tries to understand, but no one really knows like, exactly what it feels like to be a new mom, to kind of be figuring out how to be a best. The, your best, whatever that version is of you that is a mom. And then trying to figure out who you are as a person. And I am more than mom. But I'm having a hard time remembering that. And I just, with my horses, it's been really difficult and I feel like they are getting. Excuse my French, but the end of that stick like, and I just can't, I can't be there as much. And When I do try, you know, I will go to the barn, and I'll bring Baker, and I'll put him in the stroller, and he'll be happy for a little bit while I'm riding. And then we'll get to the part where I need to canner. And it's like, when I can. Or by him, he's happy, smiling, and then when I go to the other end of the ring, he's crying, he's upset, and nobody can calm him down. Right? Because he just wants Mom. He's in that separation anxiety phase. So. Oh, God, this is just a soapbox a little bit. But I just want to encourage myself, and maybe I'm just talking to myself in this episode, but I just want to encourage myself and other moms to make sure to prioritize your happiness as well. To be a good mom, you have to be a happy and healthy mom and get good sleep, drink water, be nutritious, take care of yourself first, and just don't lose sight of who you are. And I'm currently in the stage of losing, having lost sight of who I am. And, you know, telling my husband, like, hey, I'm really unhappy, and I'm not unhappy in the marriage. I'm not unhappy as a mom. I'm just unhappy as. As a. As a person, who am I, and how do I get back to who. A little bit of who I was before becoming a mom, and how do I get back to being the horse woman that I was? And I think today was a really good example of just doing that. And, you know, it was a rough morning, and I had a rough start, but I went and I rode with my friend, who I haven't been able to ride with in a really long time. We basically only see each other where we're both riding at shows. And obviously, since having Baker, I haven't been to many shows. And so I think, like, today was just a day where I got to go and I got to ride with my friend, and we got to laugh and we got to. Thankfully, she let me ride her two very nice broke horses. Cause it's been a minute. Long story short, I think the most important thing you can do as a new mom, and I tell myself this, and I'm basically talking to myself right now, is just remember to do things that you love, even if it's only once a week, and be okay with it. I think I have a lot of struggle and a lot of guilt that I'm not who I was before I had Baker. I'm not the friend I was before I had Baker. I'm not the wife I was before I had Baker. And I'm not the horse person that I was before I had Baker. I'm probably not even the daughter in law or daughter that I was before I had Baker. But I think the biggest thing for me is giving myself grace. And, you know, I'm. I'm trying the best to be the best mom that I can. And sometimes I take that a little too seriously and I'm a little hard on myself and others probably notice. And, you know, I'm trying to figure this out. And for all my friends and family out there who are listening to this or if they listen to this, I just want you guys to know, like, this is not the struggle is real. And I am here to say that it is. I'm sure going to get better. It's going to be. There's days where it's going to be more challenging to get out to the barn, where it's going to be more challenging to be a good friend and a good xyz. But I just, I want to encourage every mom out there who is in the same position as me. If you can get out to the barn and just groom your horse one day and that's all you can do because your baby won't allow anything else or your husband's busy and you don't have any childcare, I think the most important thing to do is just remember why you love it. And if you're anything like me, you love it because of the animals. And I love my boys. And I may not be the same horse mom that I was before. And people may not understand that. People may judge me. People may say, oh, you haven't been to the barn, I haven't seen you in so long. Are you not riding anymore? And, and you know, getting messages like that too just make things even worse, right? Like you get texts from your trainers and your friends and they're like, I haven't seen you at the barn. Like, do you just not ride anymore? And like, that just makes me, like, so much more, like, upset and stressed and just so sad because I'm already so sad because I'm trying to figure out, like, who I am as his mom. And like, he is the new thing in my life. He's the most important thing in my life is to give him a good life and to keep my family happy and healthy. And, you know, horses I am lucky to have as a passion as, you know, extracurricular. If you'll say. And as much as I want them to be a part of my everyday life, as much as I want to be the horse girl that I was before, I'm changing. And being a mom does change who you are as a horse person, but it doesn't mean you don't or can't do horses at all. It just means you have to change how you see it. And sometimes it's just going out and brushing your horse, and sometimes you get a whole ride out of it. Sometimes you have a babysitter or your mother in law, your mom watches your baby for you, and you get a whole lesson in and you're like it, feeling incredibly rejuvenated. And sometimes I go to the barn and I literally give my horse a fungus bath. And Baker's sitting in his stroller and he's allowing me the 30 minutes to give a fungus bath. And honestly, if that's all I can do, then that makes me happy because I just want to be around them. And so if any other moms are in this situation and they, you know, feel the same and they feel like they're just like in this stuck place where you just can't get out of the rut. And honestly, I promise you, like, it is easier to stay home with your child and not go out. Like, I have done that. If I feel overwhelmed sometimes I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna stay home, right? Like, I know he knows the routine at home. We get good naps at home. I know his meals are at home, his bottles pumping. Like, literally, name it. Everything is easier at home. And there are way less chaotic elements inside the house. So it can sometimes, if you're like me, it just feels safer to just stay in your house and kind of go with your routine. And I am very type A. I have anxiety. I want everything to be routine. I want everything to go smoothly. I typically don't do things unless I know I'm either going to be good at them or that I'm gonna, you know, know what the expectations are, meet expectations, kind of know what my day is gonna be and plan it out. And with a baby, I think the biggest thing that I've learned is that is out the window. So routine does work for them. They babies love a good routine. But for me, incorporating a baby into the horse world, horses are just not routine and they are chaotic. And adding a baby into that is even more chaotic. So I, I'm learning and I would love any advice from any of our listeners or followers out there. Just, you know, how are you doing it? And, you know, obviously, finance, riding and horses are a giant financial undertaking. And so, you know, when I talk to my husband and I'm like, hey, like, what if I just. Like, you know, what if we did daycare? What if we got a nanny and on my days off, we had a nanny? And that just like, I wish I could. I wish I had the money to do all of that, and I wish I had the time to do everything I wanted to do. I wish I didn't work and, you know, could afford life without and be able to still ride and do all of those things, and it's just not possible. And a nanny's not possible at this time or daycare for personal reasons. I. I want to be home with him, and I'm making a personal sacrifice to be at home with Baker instead of my riding and my mental health. And I think I'm probably not doing the best that I could be with balancing out. You know, my husband likes to say, I'm 0 to 100. I either do nothing or I do things 100%. And so I'm learning to be a 50 percenter. So I'm. I have to learn to be, you know, not 100% a mom all the time and not 100% a horse person all the time. And so if anybody out there kind of experiences that and, you know, has different tricks and ways to make it work or has, you know, babies that are glue babies, because my baby apparently loves me very much, which I love, but it's also. He is a glue baby, and he wants to be right there with me, and he doesn't really want anyone else. So if anyone could figure out how to do this successfully, I would love to hear it. And, yeah, so this was kind of a really deep, kind of personal podcast episode for me. It's all about being a mom and how riding fits into my life as a new mom and kind of where it was very early on and how it was a lot easier to manage when he was a newborn versus, you know, where we are now, we're nine months in almost, and he's got a personality now, and it. It definitely shows itself sometimes. And so, you know, for all the moms out there that are doing this and that are making it work and, you know, just keep doing it. And for all the moms that want to ride and want to be who they used to be, you know, it. It changes. You may not be 100% the rider, the horse mom, or, you know, the horse woman that you used to be. You may not be showing every weekend anymore. You not be showing once a month. You might be showing once a year. You might go out to brush your horse once a week, and that's all you get sometimes, and that's okay. And it's not anyone else's right to make you feel like you're not doing enough for your horses or that you're not the horse person that used to be. And I just encourage all moms out there who are also equestrians and amateurs to find people who are like you, who understand, you know, what being a new mom is, what being an amateur is, what having a job, amateur mom, all of it. And kind of the transition that happens through all that. I highly recommend finding someone that's in your corner. And I can say that I have great, great people in on my side and in my corner and definitely surround yourself with those people and just keep loving your horse in any way that you can, and don't feel guilty for being a mom. That's all. See y' all later.