Comedy
Berner Phone 110: Ruthless Advice
In this solo episode of Burner Phone, Des Bishop tackles relationship dilemmas and societal pressures surrounding dating and intimacy. He shares candid advice on handling laughter during sex and the i...
Berner Phone 110: Ruthless Advice
Comedy •
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Interactive Transcript
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Hi, it's Hannah Burner.
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And Des, Bishop.
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Thanks for calling the Burner phone.
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If you leave a message after the tone,
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we may have to make it into a podcast.
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Hello, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Burner Phone.
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It's just Des.
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Sorry, guys.
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But I think this time you guys knew,
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Hannah and I both posted that it's going to be a Des solo episode.
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But I guess what's partially exciting about this is
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you guys are part of my experiment of doing this as a full YouTube episode also.
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So if you're listening to this, the full video will be on my YouTube because in front of me is
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I'm using Riverside on my own.
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And I have all the prompts in Riverside, like an actual producer.
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And in the future, I'll be doing the Riversides with Chris.
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Because we are preparing for having Hannah around less.
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For good reasons, which is she's just like on the road, super busy,
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gigley squad, super busy.
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And so we're going to figure out the long-term sort of Burner Phone format.
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But for today, it's a solo episode.
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Probably going to have a guest host next week.
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And then long-term will figure it out.
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But while Hannah's on tour, she may be absent from time to time.
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But do not despair.
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We will keep Burner from going.
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And we hope that we have what would be the word I'll be looking for.
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We hope we have developed a strong enough trust and relationship that the the
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dialers will stick with the pod when Hannah's not around.
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Anyway, I think we're ready for an advice episode because I know it's going to be on my own.
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And for those that sent in messages about double standards and relationships with
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I have to be honest, I totally forgot that we had put that out last week.
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And there was some great ones.
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So I'm going to hold on.
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I've already downloaded a ton of those.
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I'm going to hold off on that.
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Whether it's next week with Hannah or with somebody else,
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don't be afraid to DM me.
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You don't need to clog up the tell-by with suggestions on potential guest hosts.
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But certainly DM me at Desbishop on Instagram.
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And let me know who you'd like as a potential guest host.
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We're definitely going to have Taylor Strecker guest hosting at some stage.
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She says she's game.
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But anybody else that you guys suggest, let me know.
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I want to keep it a woman because this is sort of a man, woman pod.
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And also, I feel like the largest majority of you guys are women.
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And I just, you know, I'm not going to like,
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I'm not going to bombard you with like two men and their manly ways.
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Even though there was a great double standard one which we'll talk about last week about this
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the concept of wanting men to be manly.
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Anyway, let's not, I'm not going to get bogged down in that.
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So anyway, great advice episode.
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I would love to rant and rave about the insanity of the writer cup.
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But I feel like this isn't the place.
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So if you want to hear me rant and rave about the writer cup,
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you can listen to the Bishop Exchange, which will be out on Wednesday.
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And I have a good rant about the despicable behavior at the writer cup.
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So go and check that out.
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So anyway, let's see, this is exciting for me.
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We're about to find out if this, if this new system works.
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So let's, let's start with a lighthearted one.
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They're all pretty light today.
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There's only maybe two out of semi-serious, you know, I love a serious one.
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But let's, let's see this one.
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Hello, my husband is from Ireland.
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He laughs a lot when we're having sex.
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How do I get him to date seriously?
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Hello, Arias.
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So first of all, I don't think this is a particularly Irish thing.
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Okay.
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Maybe because Ireland can, I think it's fair to say, I don't think this is a criticism.
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I think it's fair to say that Ireland traditionally has been a little bit sexually repressed.
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Maybe the Catholic Church had a little bit too much power over Irish society.
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So maybe one could argue that this is more common in Irish men,
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because maybe there's like a, sort of a subconscious discomfort around sex or, you know,
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just like, you know, just, just, just something going on that makes you want to, like,
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turn it into a joke.
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However, let's just exclude the Irish part of this, because I think it's a distraction.
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Although, okay, let me, let me contradict myself and say, the Irish do love laughter.
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Okay.
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So I definitely think that in all situations where an Irish person, maybe a little bit uncomfortable,
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they will mask it with a joke.
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So I'm going to contradict myself and say the Irish are particularly good at masking emotions
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with jokes, which I think is a positive and a negative.
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And I think, I actually think we've discussed that before, because I know I've been called up.
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I've definitely said this on the podcast that I have been called out by therapist where I make a
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joke at a sort of critical juncture of emotional upheaval in the conversation.
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However, I have read in the past, and I don't know where I read it.
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But I was under the impression that if you can laugh with your partner during sex,
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that's a sign that you guys are comfortable with each other.
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However, I do think that if only one of you is laughing,
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I think the problem here is only one person is laughing.
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So I think my analysis was probably correct that your husband or your boyfriend,
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I can't remember which it was.
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He's probably masking like just a little bit of uncomfortability.
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And I think maybe as an exercise, he needs to try to just be a bit more serious,
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which is probably going to make him laugh more, because he's probably used to being
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silly in the bedroom.
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So as an exercise, he has to kind of push past that.
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I feel like he has to almost like put on his porn face and just get into like serious mode.
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I know I'm joking about it now.
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I'm not going to put on my porn face.
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But I think because, listen, sex in a relationship, it's a two-way street,
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like you got to give and take, you got to understand what each other's
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yucks and yums are.
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Sometimes you got to sacrifice a little bit of what you're into because you want to satisfy
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your partner and vice versa.
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So I think in this situation, if he can't stop laughing, rather than get into the psychological
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analysis of why that is, right?
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Because it's very easy to blame Catholicism, okay?
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For a lot of things.
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But let's not blame Catholicism.
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Let's keep the church out of it.
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Let's keep the church out of the bedroom.
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And just ask him, as an exercise, can we not laugh for this one?
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And most likely because he's trying not to laugh, he will laugh more.
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But tell him that he needs to figure it out.
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Maybe not all the time because I don't think that would be fair either.
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I mean, at the end of the day, if he likes laughing during sex,
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let him laugh sometimes.
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But sometimes because at the end of the day, it's clearly like a turn-off for you,
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or just sometimes you just want maybe a little more focus.
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If it's a turn-off, you're well within your rights to be like,
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yo, I just can't have you laughing always.
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Can we just have this session for me and what I'm into?
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I think that's fair.
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And that goes for men or women.
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I know the prompt was supposed to be double standards in relationships.
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And that would be a classic double standard, which is like,
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you know, like when you got to do it for me, but I don't need to do it for you.
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But I'm not saying that's what's going on here.
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I'm just saying, I think it's fair that you would be like, I'm not into it.
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I don't mind sometimes, but like, humor me, please.
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No pun intended, like, which is of course a paradox.
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But humor me and don't laugh.
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And I think that's fair enough.
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But I do, I don't know.
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Irish people love to joke around.
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So I can, I can see, I have to say, we don't talk too much personal stuff on this problem.
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Hannah and I both like joking around in the bedroom.
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But that's like part of our thing, you know what I mean?
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And we're cool with that.
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But I think when it's a one way street, it's fine for you to try to find
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just at least one out of every five.
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I think is that fair?
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One out of every five times, just tell them like, yo, no laughing.
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And if you laugh, you're in the doghouse.
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Simple as that.
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Great, great question.
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Okay, let's, I want to keep it light early on.
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All right.
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This is for the single people out there.
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Hi, Des.
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Big fan of the pod and of you in your lovely wife.
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As someone who got married in their 40s, I was wondering if you could give me
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and the listeners some advice about waiting to find your person when there is so much societal
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pressure to settle down by a certain point.
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And how did you handle the doubts and the loneliness that sometimes comes from being
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quote unquote, the single friend?
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Thanks.
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Wow, that's a great question, which requires a bit of a deeper analysis of myself as well as
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trying to help you.
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Now, I have to say I'm not the best gauge of some of the stuff that you're talking about because
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you know, I wasn't single that.
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Well, you know, I wasn't like totally single for a lot of the time that I wasn't married.
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You know, and I had various relationships throughout those, throughout those years.
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But and I didn't get a ton of doubts.
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I actually kind of got more just like, maybe, you know, it's not going to happen.
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I also had a couple of relationships that I thought were, you know, going to be that.
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And then it didn't turn out to be the case.
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So I would say there's also, I definitely think there's less societal pressure on men.
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So I, I, I, I'm having like a touch more sympathy with your situation than empathy.
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However, let me just like try to put forward the, the areas where we can intersect here.
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Because yes, didn't get married until my late 40s, I could, what would you say?
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Would you say 46 is late 40s?
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No.
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But I didn't get married till I was 46.
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And there was definitely, well, first of all, I think the most important thing to say
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is that you should never pay attention to those pressures.
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Because at the end of the day, the life that you have is the life that you're supposed to have.
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You know, and there's pros and cons to everything.
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And I think number one, you just have to have some semblance of acceptance.
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Obviously, you need to make sure you, you know what you want, you know?
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And I mean, I like dating.
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I got, I went on a lot of dates.
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So I, that's why I feel like I'm not a great, you know, I'm not the best spokesperson for this.
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Because I didn't feel a ton of of loneliness.
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I also, also, I've had an odd life where I was sort of like on my own a lot from a young age.
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So I kind of, I'm oddly comfortable with being on my own.
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I just think most importantly, you can't give into that societal pressure.
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You know, it's not essential.
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The only aspect of aging that's essential to this is having children.
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But if that didn't happen, that would also be okay, you know?
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I was also the single friend amongst my married friends.
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And I never felt that awkward about that.
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I felt like my married friends were always kind of into having me around.
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I mean, of course, you know, the guy's joke about, oh, we live vicariously through you, you know,
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you're, you're dating people, you're free, you don't have to worry about your kids.
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Like all, but all those jokes aside, you know, I think married people,
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particularly married people with kids, they can get very stuck in like the routines of parenting
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and couples and it can get a bit samey.
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So actually, you bring a freshness to the to the to the game a lot of the time, you know?
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And then there are sometimes where it's just a bit like not for you.
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Like I would listen, my friends over the years, they've invited me to the birthday parties
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and the different kids things. And I've gone to some, but I don't go to all because at the end of
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the day, like all the parents bring over their kids and the kids are having fun. And then the parents
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are talking about parenting and teachers and, you know, like they're just talking about like
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the parent shit. And that's that's fine, but I'm not like, I'm not like down with the parent
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shit. Or, you know, the kids are running around. So you can't have a proper conversation because
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every five minutes you're like, oh, just, hey, don't die. Don't, don't do that. You could die.
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It's hard to like have a conversation when you're constantly have to keep your eye on the kids.
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You know, so I think it's also with the married friends, like just being the single friend.
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I think it's about finding the times where when you go, it feels fun. Or the times that you do
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feel a bit like, oh, I'm fucking, you know, Sarah, no relationship. And I can't, you know,
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I feel like I don't fit in, you know. So, and, you know, of course, now I'm very happily married
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now. So it's even hard for me to think about like, was I lonely at times? I, you know, I guess
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there were time, you know, because I'm like, we're gig, like I'm gigging all the time. Like, I've
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always been busy with doing live shows. But I guess there were times where like, you know, you
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before or five nights on the road, particularly in Ireland, where I would be, I drive, like I drive
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to all those shows. And, you know, you'd go maybe like Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday,
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Sunday, and then suddenly like Monday night, you're like, the fuck am I going to do now?
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But the, I mean, the good news about that is that you don't have to do anything, you know? But
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obviously the bad news is that, yeah, sometimes it would be nice to just
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becoming home to somebody. But I promise you, talk to any married couple, they cherish the moments.
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I'm not speaking about myself. I'm speaking for all married couple. I think it's not controversial
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to say, like sometimes it's like great to just be on your own. Like I don't mean out of the
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relationship. I just mean like, they're away or they're out and you can just like watch your
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own shows on your own. So I would say, actually, this is what I think is a good mindset.
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I think you should just say, this is where I'm at right now. I'm going to ignore societal pressure.
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And I'm just going to embrace the positives about where I'm at now because it won't be like this
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forever actually. And there will be a time when you'll find your person. Or certainly,
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there'll be a time at least where you're willing to give a person a shot. And that'll be a fun time
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in your life too. So I would say more, look on the positive side of I just need to, you know,
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just appreciate everything that this life that I have now has to offer. And we'll see what the
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future holds. Because you know, at the end of the day, it is all just projection on something being
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better, you know? There's no right way to live a life. That's the true. I mean, there's wrong
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things to do for yourself as a human. But like, there's no wrong way to exist without harming other
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people, you know what I mean? So I think you just have to sort of almost like embrace it, champion
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who you are. And then see what happens. I mean, I definitely think it's worth
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making the effort to meet somebody. I absolutely believe in the concept of a partnership can
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add to your life in ways that are hard to comprehend until you have it. So I think you can keep
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striving for that. But I also think that, you know, just say, for example, you meet somebody and
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everything's great. But tell me, tons of you look back and be like, God, you know, I wish I had,
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I wish I had appreciated that time more, you know, even though this is great, that time was great too.
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So that's what I would say get into that mindset. And it's not a cop out either, you know, don't think
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it's like, well, I'm freaking, I'm so lonely. So I'll just pretend that I'm happy with this. I
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don't mean it like that. I mean, actually, you know, embrace it. Let's, sorry, for those that are
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watching, I look away. I'm going into my, going into my, the actual prompts are like on my computer.
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I don't want to bore the listener with my, with my admin. But, and I'm also, for those that are
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watching, I'm sorry that I'm quite red because it was, I was not expecting the rider cup yesterday.
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I was there, by the way, on Sunday. I wasn't expecting it to be so hot and I got absolutely baked.
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Okay, now here's something interesting. This is somewhat connected. Let's have a listen.
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Hi, Des. We went to Ireland this summer looking for your second family.
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I'm thank goodness. That would have been horrible. My boyfriend and I have been together for
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eight years. We love each other. Super happy. But he is very scared of getting married, even though
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we're very committed. His parents had a pretty bad divorce and he's just been nervous about it.
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What do you think I should do? I love him and I'm super happy with him and have honestly no
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complaints. Just would love to get married eventually. Oh, I mean, this isn't this just a,
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isn't this just a dilemma because obviously you can hear that there's a happiness there.
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Which is great. But of course, it's impossible not to be like, why can't we just get married?
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It's a hard one to advise, because there's nothing wrong other than in the back of your mind,
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you're wondering why that won't happen. He's got some trauma from his parents' divorce,
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which again is understandable, but also, here's the thing. Just one thing I'll say about the fact
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that his parents had a terrible divorce and he doesn't want to get married is whether you're married
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or not, other than the legality of divorce, your breakup would be just as traumatic.
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You know? So it's basically just like a breakup without marriage is just a breakup with less admin.
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If you get what I mean, so his aversion to getting married is like, it's understandable.
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You never want to attack somebody, but it's also like it's not going to save you from the pain
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that you witnessed as a kid, you know, whatever happened for his parents.
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There is to me, there is just a next level of commitment to marriage that definitely means something,
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particularly now that I'm married. You know? It's like, there's like a commitment to like
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doing this life together that you really don't have until you're married. Now, in saying that,
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I will say, because this is what I thought immediately when I read the transcript of this prompt,
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was, is there a middle ground? Is there a way without marriage, without the paperwork,
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that he could up the level of commitment? I don't mean like fidelity commitment. I mean like
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commitment to a future together that has meaning and means something to you, because that's the
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only issue with all this for me. You've been together for eight years, and you have a life together,
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and you're happy. So there's just no reason to do anything other than, you know, life is short,
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actually, like in the sense that like you have this period of time where you're young enough to like,
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you know, wonder, are you going to have a family? Different things. I'm not saying that kids
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have anything to do with it, but I'm just saying that like, there's like certain windows, and as you
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get older, you realize like, oh, shit, I never realized that like time, I could be past the time
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where something's kind of doable, but the older you get to more you realize, like, oh yeah,
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there's windows, you know, and so it's very understandable for you at some stage to be like, hey,
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we're doing this life together, but I'm just not feeling 100% confident enough that we're in
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this together for the long haul. So it's like, you don't want to rock the boat on what is really a
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great relationship, but at the same time, your fear is a very rational about like, you know,
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how can I feel comfortable that we're going to sort of go for now? You can never know for sure,
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but you just want you want some sort of reassurance. And if marriage is a sort of a red line or
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something that he doesn't want to go, and I'm very into the arguments around, no need like,
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marriage being outdated, like I totally am open to that discussion, but I still think that
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there has to be some way to, you know, to like feel like the commitment to the future is there.
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And I don't know how to articulate that. I don't know how to put that across. And I certainly
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don't want you going and putting an ultimatum to him and being like, well, if I can desmest up my
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relationship, I think I think you get my drift off like, is there a way to get some level of
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feeling like there's a higher level of commitment to the future without getting married. And I
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do not know what that is. And there may be a naivety in what I'm saying, but I do, you know,
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I think it's understandable after eight years that you would feel something, you know.
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Particularly if you guys want to have kids and stuff, I don't know how old you, you know,
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that kind of stuff, that's the kind of stuff that's like real. And romance is beautiful and
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the wonderful life is beautiful. But eventually there's just like, there's just questions and
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things that you can no longer like avoid. And that's fine. Like, that's the thing, you know, it's like,
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it's just life just fucking gets in the way. Sometimes it's huge, like tragedy. And sometimes it's
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just small, which is just like, yo, if we're in this together, we got to make some like,
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together decisions. And that's, that's okay. I think you're going to figure it out because I think
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you guys have a great relationship. But, you know, great question. I mean, again, this is one where
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I wish we could have the Daileist chime in. Don't be afraid to chime in in Spotify comments.
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Or in my DMs. Or indeed, if you want to chime in on the Telby, leave a message because we can,
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we can revisit next week. I do say, I wish I had Hannah here now for that. Although, you know,
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Hannah can be quite, Hannah's more direct. Sometimes Hannah can be less diplomatic with the
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relationship stuff, which is not a criticism, but she's just, I don't know what she would say, but
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she'd probably be like, break up with me. That's 50% of how this relationship solution's, break
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up with them. So I can't speak for what she would say. If it give me, I'm taking a sip of water.
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Okay. Do we go, oh, let's go for this is, this is interesting.
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Hey, does miss you, Hannah, what's your advice for dating an older man who's 53? I'm 41.
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My first time dating somebody in their 50s, he is really nice guy. He hears me out. He
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does all the good things, calls, makes a plan, you know, the bare minimum stuff that we crave.
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But, you know, he has a little bit of old school in him where he calls girls chicks and
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was surprised to see funny comedians on an improv show. So just wondering how to navigate this,
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but I like him with everything else. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of funny.
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He calls girls chicks. I mean, some of that, I mean, you can just be like, hey, just if you could
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not call girls chicks in front of me, I mean, I don't think that's like, you know, I think
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sometimes you can get a little caught up and like, you know, just get like guys being a bit like
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of a different generation. Like, I don't, I don't think that's too much of an issue.
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I don't think, I think it's totally fine though. If you don't, you know, if you're not comfortable
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with that, I think it's totally fine to be like, hey, you know, I would prefer that you
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didn't say that. No, I don't think it's a big deal. I guess, I guess it's also kind of in your mind,
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like how, how sort of not backward, but just like how much stuff like that is there in his brain.
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Some of it is age related. Some of it's just personality. I mean, I would just think that's
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something you got to figure out. Like everybody doesn't know. And shit, at least maybe his
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annoying shit has an excuse, like a reason, which is just a bit older. He's a crabby gen X,
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like me, a neuro millennial who, you know, came through in an era where people were more
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thoughtful with their language. I mean, that's basically the big difference, right? It's like,
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you came up in a generation, well, every generation has those moments, but like the thing is that like
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everything we thought as gen Xers, you know, that we tackled the next generation came back and
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they found stuff with us that was like a bit dated or made people uncomfortable. And you either
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rebel against it, you know, sometimes you rebel against it for good reason. Sometimes you
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rebel against it because you're antiquated and you're being a dick. You know, and at the end of the day,
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that that is just a generational difference that you're going to encounter when there's an age
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cap in a relationship. I would think that's a pretty minor transgression. I understand your fears
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of like, what do I do? If there's just, they keep coming and eventually I just like can't get over it.
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You know, I think, like I think that, you know, that's one that you can just say.
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I just think that it's one of those things where like, if you're, if there's just,
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if it becomes relentless, where you just find yourself having to sort of turn a blind eye to
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behavior and language that you think is inappropriate or like just not respectful of people or
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demeaning, I think eventually then you have to be like, is this too much for me?
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But I would think that the age-related ones, you know, ones where he might not, he might just not know.
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You know, he may be somebody who literally was never said like, you shouldn't refer to women as
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chicks, particularly in front of me. He may have never been told that. So he may, he may have
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no idea that it even makes you uncomfortable, you know? And I know that some people
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will be like, how could you have no idea? But like, that's, that's part of, listen, I could bore you
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to death about my issues around, you know, sort of language that's acceptable and not acceptable.
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Like, one thing I will say, and I very rarely discuss like cancel culture or any of this stuff,
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and I'm not going to be discussing it now. The only thing I will say is, there have been times
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where people have been not given enough grace for just not knowing something, you know? And I'm not
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trying to dismiss any problematic behavior, but there are just times where people did not realize
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that what they were saying was a problem, and they have experienced the full force of the internet
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mob. And so he may just not know. And it's okay to point it out. And I think like, it's more his
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reactions to the pointing out that it would be more of like a red flag that you should pay attention to.
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By the way, I'm not saying it's definitely going to be a red flag. I'm just saying that like
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his reaction to just being told like, hey, like we don't, like, we don't love being called chicks.
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You know, if he's like, you're a fucking snowflake, then maybe then you have to go, oh, okay.
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All right, maybe this guy is a little too old from, or a little too not just old, but sort of like
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behaviorally too far away from where I'm at. And I think it should be fine. You know,
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this pros and cons to having a bit of a generation gap in a relationship. I mean, it's a very like,
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it's a very healthy age gap, like 41 to 53. You know, you're in your 40s. You know, like,
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it's a fine time to be enjoying a relationship with a guy that age, you know. The gap isn't that huge.
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It's probably a little bit of his personality also. So I think, you know, bring up the stuff that
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really bugs you. I think it's fine to just like not let some of the minor stuff bug you at all.
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Like see how it goes. Honestly, the bigger issue really with the age gap is does he still have
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energy to do the shit that you guys want to do together with you, you know. And see how it goes.
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And marry him because you'll inherit the money earlier. The other pro, that's a joke, by the way.
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Don't cancel me. I mean, Hannah has a lot of like, you know, age gap jokes and stuff like that.
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There's loads of fun in that. And you know, you can just embrace it. You get, listen, as I always say,
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it's pros and cons, you know, with his extra 12 years of this life, you get an extra 12 years of
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wisdom, mistakes that he's made, things that he's learned. So you get a bit of that. But on the flip
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side, you know, he's called a woman chicks and you're like, Oh, God, what's that about? So you take
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the good with the bad. And then you just figure out what you can tolerate and what you can't.
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This one I wrote down is distraction advice and I can't bloody remember what it is.
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Hey, does good luck on your solo episode this week. I know you tend to go a little more deep
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when you go solo must be that NPR background. But I did need some advice. My husband and I
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are going through fertility treatment and currently in the two-week wait. Meaning I just literally
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have to wait and see if it worked. You know, the podcast has been a great distraction but with only
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one episode a week I was seeing if you could give me any advice on other things I could do to try
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to get my mind off. Play something that brings joy. Maybe you had a time when you just had to
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wait and you found a new hobby or something that really just actually distracted your mind,
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not just go for a walk because I'm already doing that and all I think about is if the treatment's
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going to work or not. So thank you for any advice. Love you and Hannah both. Bye.
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Well, first of all, great great bit of openness about what you're going through. And I have to say
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I have in recent years gotten to know a lot of people who have had very difficult fertility journeys
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and I have to say I did not realize the level of emotional turmoil that people go through
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particularly around IVF and everything. I have one very good friend and she really went through
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like a lot emotionally more than I could possibly imagine and didn't experience a ton of understanding
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from like people in her life and it really helped me to see like how traumatic that can be.
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So first of all, thanks for just like putting it out there because I think it's good for people to
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understand, you know, because I certainly I've known loads of people who have had children through
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IVF. I've known some people that hasn't worked but I never understood until recently and I
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obviously I can't understand fully but I've never understood until recently just like how much
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goes into it and like how damaging it can be, you know, to a relationship financially so tough.
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I like I hate to bring up severance but you know, an episode in my opinion that should have one
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best directing for the Emmys. The flashback episode they I don't want to give any spoilers but
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there's a section where their fertility journey is represented and you know, it's integral to some
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of the you know, the things that develop within their relationship in a way that like really helps
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you to understand just how tough that is for a couple. So in saying that your question was
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particularly around distraction which obviously I can't appreciate the fertility stress but I can
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identify with just times in your life where there's something pressing that can be impossible to
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escape in your mind and a lot of that has to do with like trying to like not let your thoughts
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you know, take you over and that's hard right because the distraction stuff that's like
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the easy part but you're never going to be distracted all the time.
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I always leaned hard on exercise like I found exercise to be a great distractor
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but to me a distractor is like a tyrant like you know the pain is coming back.
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So like sport for me it's always sport like exercise yes but I actually prefer like a game
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that I can get lost in that but that might not be a good one for you because you mentioned
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that people say take a walk. I've actually found I've never found walking to be a great distractor.
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I find a walker to just be a great way to ruminate even more.
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So other than exercise like I do love finding like an awesome you know binge watch
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uh you know just to really just like get lost in that perhaps if there's any of the old
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long like six seven season classics perhaps that you haven't watched
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um like the sopranos or madmen or the wire or break in bed or something that women like
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I'm such a fucking man with my suggestions on tv shows but you know just like really addictive
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season after season shows that perhaps just passed you by this would be a good time to delve into them.
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Um you know like when the thoughts really take over like that is hard man like
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and I have definitely had it in my life like I obviously a lot of times when I'm talking about
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advice like I go back to the early days of my recovery like giving up drugs and alcohol but
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you know one of the things that really was damaging to me or what I found so difficult was that I
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could not shut off my mind at all and I know that like the meditation people be like well you're not
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shutting off your mind you're just not allowing it to have as much power over you but whatever
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that's just semantics at the end of the day I was tortured by my thoughts um
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and in this case those thoughts were just like negative
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language in my mind but it's still the same thing you're just like you know you're thinking
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is running your life you know um but what I what I have found throughout my life is that
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it's it's not just about distraction it is also about just trying to like not let your mind have
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as much control over your emotions because even though it sounds like well this isn't about an
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emotional thing but it is like the thoughts are triggering worry and then the worryers triggering
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thoughts like you are in like like like almost like an anxiety loop or certainly you know I would say
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some of the inability to escape the thinking is is is fear driven right and it's totally understandable
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I mean this is like this is one of the big things in life this is not one of the small things so
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it's very understandable but uh as we used to say in early recovery eternal vigilance is the price
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of freedom so it is like one of those things where it's like yes 100% totally excusable that you
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would be in this situation but do we want to try in some way to experience just like at least
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moments of calm and peace throughout this this turmoil then I think it is just good to try
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I don't know if meditation is a good work as it can be off-putting for people but like
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to try and exercise that's not about distraction but actually about quietening the mind
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uh in other words just getting some semblance of not letting your thinking
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take you over as much and there is new so much material out there whatever floats your boat
spk_0
in terms of some sort of practice even practice makes it sound a bit Buddhist but like
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there's just so many ways to distract yourself and they're all valid but also just finding a way
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to just have have your mind have that just just the touch less control that can be helped by some sort of
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practice of mindfulness it's even hard to say the word without feeling like a fucking wanker but
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I don't think we need to be ashamed of saying the word mindfulness
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anything that just helps your mind to have the touch less control over your
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you know to not get into that loop I do think that helps it's always helped me and by the way
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I promise you I am not a regular practitioner I'm more often than not a crisis manager
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uh but even crisis management like even the you know just being reminded because the turmoil
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is so immense in my brain even just reminding like oh shit I don't actually have the ability
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to not stay on top of this because when I don't like now I don't mean like now I just mean like
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in this particular situation like hypothetical that I'm giving you here I am again in like mental
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and emotional turmoil you know and it doesn't I can be a little bit more prepared that's all you
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know and without any harsh language of like you fucking idiot like Leonardo DiCaprio
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in uh once upon a time in Hollywood you know you're like you fucking it you can't fucking act
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you fucking loser uh he got to be gentle with yourself um but at the same time you know it's always
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good to just be like what can I do to to make my life better uh anyway I hope that helps
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uh please feel free to disregard because I I'm very sympathetic to what you're going through
spk_0
emotionally so I don't actually think that it's that easy to distract yourself so the more direct
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answer to your question is indulge in a serious binge one that'll get you through the two weeks
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uh two weeks we'll be looking we'll be visiting that again in two weeks
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um all right let's uh we got a lot of uh relationship ones I have to say
spk_0
it does I just thought the picture I can't post it review and my question to you is how
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do you keep your skin so glowy and do we um yeah distracts skin care routine and please don't say
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use the same towel on your face that you do on your walls okay thanks my loving okay so first of all
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a little bit of bad news I definitely use the same towel and I apologize for that but I I did not know
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that I was supposed to use a separate towel for my face than the rest of my body um so that's number one
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number two I don't have much of a skin care routine first of all I don't think I actually have
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great skin I think what you're what you're noted I'm gonna let out a secret about myself
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I am not too inclined to allow pictures of me to exist that don't have good lighting
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I can't stand harsh lighting which accentuates all your imperfections I don't think I've
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hidden the fact that vanity is uh my favorite sin as Al Pacino said in the devil's advocate uh I'm
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very vain my parents were very vain they bred it into me but I'll take responsibility for myself
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I'm vain and I'm very picky about photos of myself that I put out so I don't think I have a great
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skin care routine I think what you're noticing is that I only allow pictures of me in the wild out
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that have good lighting every now and then a bad lighting one gets away from me but in general
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it's a lighting thing life is all about lighting it's only gotten better over the years so
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my number one make your life about lighting now my skin care routine pretty simple I moisturize
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I moisturize my face but here's the crazy thing I don't I don't have like a facial moisturizer I just
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use a a non-centred moisturizer all over my body now I know that some will disagree and there are
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there are plenty of makeup artists out there that will say oh my god you're gonna ruin your face
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but years ago actually when I was doing dance with the stars in Ireland a makeup artist
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told me that if if if it doesn't bother your face then it's fine and I have quite sensitive skin
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but it's sensitive everywhere not just on my face so any moisturizers I use that doesn't cause a
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reaction on the rest of me works fine on my face I always like a light one anyway I don't like a
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thick one I don't think I have a great skin care routine but I do moisturize I get too much sun
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though which is bad and I've got crow's feet lines from playing golf in the sun so trust me
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it's not as do as you think the photo that Hannah posted which was actually we've freezing
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cloned we've freezing cold at the tennis hall of fame induction ceremony on that first night
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and I actually had that blanket over my head not as a joke I was actually freezing
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um listening to Maria Sharapova that's a that's an odd sentence to say but
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uh the lighting was very good in that place whatever way they lit the room the lighting was very gentle
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um so that photo was allowed to survive actually to be honest with you I told Hannah not to post
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that photo she tried to post that photo numerous times but I couldn't complain about her posting the photo
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yesterday because it was to help the solo episode of the pod so that was a photo that
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finally got out but at least the lighting was good that's the main thing and listen I hate to be the
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guy that's admitting this level of self obsession with how I look but it's true all right
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I'm vain I hate signs of aging I'm nearly 50 I was gray young I accepted that but uh I don't want to
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look old in my face I haven't done anything to my face yet try not to be that guy though I think
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I think a lot of us are over it but I'm trying not to be that guy but it's hard societal pressure
spk_0
earlier theme from the episode um it's hard not to want to tighten up that skin um but I haven't
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done Botox and I haven't done filler and uh long may my resistance to such age fighting remedies
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exist but never say never that's all I'll say so actually I don't have a skincare routine
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and it's just lighting actually just so you know uh so don't don't feel any pressure based on
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seeing images of me and going like oh he's got great skin it's just lighting all right we're
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getting close to the end here I hope this has been okay for you guys you know I feel like it's been
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smooth but not like super funny you know but I hope I hope you've enjoyed passing the time with
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me yeah I I I listen to like a New York meds pod every day even though it's been a tragic end to
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our season I won't bore you guys with that but I listen to uh actually if anyone happens to be a
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baseball fan I'd like the New York meds I listen to lockdown meds every morning uh so if you're
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if you're inclined to listen to podcasts about the meds listen to lockdown meds with Ryan
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calming the familiarity of his voice uh the sort of lack of importance really about what he's
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talking about uh it just I don't know it gives me a sense of everything's okay it's maybe it's
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routine so I hope in some way that this episode at least gives you that which I think a lot of
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is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance so hey guys i've been recording for
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52 minutes and we haven't talked about death wants did you think you were getting away
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with a full solo episode of burn a phone with me and we weren't going to talk about grief
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what you were mistaken uh so let's finish off with this
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hey does hey hanna even though you're not here um yeah i was just calling because i feel like
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does a little bit of a grief expert but um
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yeah i just also went grandma and we're really really close kind of closer than me and my mom
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so it kind of feels like losing my mom in a way so yeah just how to get through this and
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is it always this bad like does it always suck this bad for this long i feel like it must get better
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but yeah it's really sad but yeah thanks well the first thing i can say and direct answer to your question
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absolutely it gets better that is without a doubt just don't forget look out at the vast
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expansive humanity and a larger percentage of those people have dealt with grief and
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you know they all manage to figure out a way to move forward so you're not alone it's going to get
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better and it's fun to share it and it's always important to share it it's important to share it
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with anybody but i think it always helps to share it with people who understand you know because
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as much as we don't want to be dismissive of people's help you know like when when people
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just like who haven't don't understand fully what you're feeling say things like it'll get better
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or time is a great healer you know or all the clichés it can just feel dismissive and like not
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really help but i promise you because i've been through the grandparent grief and the parent grief
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and i feel like yours is a bit more like parent grief in terms of how important this person was to
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you uh it definitely gets better and the moments where you're like oh i'll call my god oh you
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know like that stuff that gets better that happens less and less you know and the triggers the memories
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get less and less but it's very hard at the beginning because their presence is still everywhere
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you know your expectation of them being there it's still there you know that takes a long time to
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get you that's just like whatever about emotion it's just like human behavior like almost like a habit
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like this sounds dismissive but like part of grief is breaking a habit you know like scientifically
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that is you know but you can't deal with grief in the same way that you can break a habit but
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there's there's elements of you know more distance from habits like they they they are not
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part of who you are anymore you know um the great thing about grief is there in you forever
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you know like one of the ways that i can soul myself about grief is that you know you wouldn't be
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feeling this pain if you hadn't had so much wonderful time with this person
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meaningful impactful time you know so grief is almost like not a punishment that's a weird thing but
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like grief is the price of just something so wonderful you know um so it just sucks that's the
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thing that's very hard to explain is like it just sucks you know and it does take time there
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was a the cliches that you can't escape from um you know it's funny thing about grandparents
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because my grandmother died in 1998 and she was the only grandparent that I had my other my
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dad's mother was alive but she was like in a home in uh in the south of England for all our
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lives so I actually never met my father's mother uh I went to her funeral so the first time I saw
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her in person she was lying in states I I had a sadness at her funeral that like was was weird
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because I just I felt bad for my dad and I you know but like my dad wasn't there I I won't listen
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that could we could go down a long read my book read my book my dad was the only James Bond to
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read about the complicated relationship my father had with his mother but anyway uh she wasn't a part
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of my life more importantly my my grandmother uh my nanny nanny as we called her uh she was a huge
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part of my life and you know from she from west cork and she was with us all the time you know she
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she minded me as a kid uh you know she came to all summers we spent she'd come to the pool club with
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us in many older she was like very important to me and and I'm not saying this is what went on
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for you but you know you said like you're kind of closer to her than your than your than your
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mother like I'm not going to compare what you were saying but I'm going to tell you my own personal
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story of the grandparent versus parent relationship my grandmother was very loving you know like I
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always felt safe and loved by my grandmother in a way that perhaps I didn't feel as much with my own
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mother but instead I don't want that to come across as a criticism of my mother I think a lot of people
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have the sensation of love from their grandparents because they're not disciplining you
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um they don't have the same role you know so it it is easy I feel like as I particularly now
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as time has gone by you know I think about my relationship with my mother I you know you
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you get that I'm around so many people raising their kids and you know you do even though I don't
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have my own kids yet you do start to understand that there were things that maybe I was critical of
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of my mother about that were just like unavoidable in terms of just like the role that a mother
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slash parent needs to take right but at the same time like that love was like essential to me
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you know that that feeling that my grandmother gave me huge part of my life huge part of my childhood
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and you know I was I was already a comedian I was in my 20s my grandmother died I was 22 going on
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23 she died in like August of of 1998 I actually had to go on the night what the day my mother
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called me is a Saturday night I was in cork city and I had a show that night that I had to do I flew
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out the next day compassionate airfare airlingus but I did do the show that night in city limits in
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cork city and then I I I went back to New York but um so you know she was a part of my life until
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adulthood um and it it killed me uh you know but I but I did I did get over it and you know
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the one thing I will say is the sad part about why you're feeling so hurt is because
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grandparents are just so goddamn loving and it leaves a hole you know the loss is immense because of
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that the the loss of that love you know but the good news is that you got it you know and uh
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I just really nothing else to say other than it does get better but it just sucks and I've
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I've I've had friends recently that have gone through the tougher grief of one of my friends lost
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lost his wife young they're young whether my age young for getting widowed uh and I've seen
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that level of grief intensity that I that I that I can only sympathize but I have never felt
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and even he has like it gets better even though it still sucks that's the whole thing is like
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sometimes I feel like with grief people feel guilty for getting on with their lives
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but like eventually it just does happen like and it will happen for you but it's also okay
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to be hurting now you know so you you'll be fine we'll all be fine and so many people listen
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right now have been through it parents grandparents maybe spouse you know I like people have been
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through it God forbid like a child like there's just so many levels to grief and tragedy and
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you will you will be fine that's the one thing that I can say but but it's also fine to be hurting
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and I hope just sharing it out out loud helped you a little bit but cry when you feel it um
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you know share share it with somebody when you feel like sharing it uh but you know I think it's
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good to the last thing I will say is I think it's good to when it's a bit intense to like distract
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yourself from it or like maybe not put yourself in a situation where you're getting triggered all over
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the place with memories you know I mean I was I also had that where I constantly was like going
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back to a place where these people never lived you know my parents and my grandmother I would
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you know we dealt with all the admin of death I would always be back in our and then we're like
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I didn't have a lot of memories with these people so the only thing I can share from that experience is
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it's a little easier when you subtract yourself at times from all the memories and that's okay too
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you know you don't have to be hurting all the time you don't have to be sad all the time but anyway
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I'm over talking on it uh it will get better so I hope everybody uh I hope everybody enjoyed the
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episode um I I I I I will we do this is kind of so you know what let's finish with this this is
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funny and silly well finish with this I'm sorry guys it's been a long episode but who cares
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if yeah if you've made it this far you're still here let's do this one because it's fun and it's silly
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hi mom and dad prompt suggestion I feel like we need more advice from you guys I'm falling apart
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over here I feel like we could call it burning questions of the week I don't know if I made that
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up or you guys made that up I don't know I'm tired but yes burning questions of the week and my
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burning question right now is I need advice about dating man again after being at the woman for
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five years it's just completely different with a woman when you're talking you no right away if
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you're interested in you you do the whole you-hal thing your co-dependent is bug right away um but with
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men I feel like there's more games that need to be played and it reminds me of when I was in college but
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I feel like I shouldn't be doing the college games that I played so is there an adult way of
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playing games with the man I don't know just help me out please um and further record
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I still like women I just need a little change
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hey bye well first of all I think you need to find a guy that is into you being bisexual you know
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which I don't think it'd be that hard to find you know uh and I I would think there's a lot of men
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out there that are very comfortable with but you know oh god I actually I probably said this
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before but couldn't talk about it because as you know since we talk about double standards and
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relationships I am a lot more comfortable with Hannah talking about her exes then she is when I
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talk about it but anyway she's not here now so I dated a woman in your situation who was like
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in a lesbian very sliced-bun relationship for a long time and then was like back going for man
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and you know I can't I wish I had some advice I you know all I remember is being a lot more
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paranoid but when I was going down and her being like oh she's had all the fucking experts down here
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but uh I you know I think you know you're talking about the like you know the games and
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I I think honestly I think you just don't play it just fuck the games I like I am always like
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fuck the games if if a guy's playing games just abort eject you know that's what I think
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because basically if they're playing games it immature you know so just find a guy that is
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immediately upfront honest and isn't fucking around with the games so my advice in this situation is
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don't bother with the games it's tough enough you know what it's like on the other side you know what
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it's like being with women and not having to deal with what's annoying about men right so
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you know if men are gonna have any shot with you because obviously I'm sure some of this is like
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sexual too you know you just you want you know whatever I whatever whatever floats your boat uh
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I think find a guy that's not into playing games and uh just gives you what you want there's just so
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many fucking clowns out there just like avoid them find a good guy and hopefully he's like
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comfortable with you being bisexual and then you don't have to settle then you can just be like
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yo every now and then I'm heading over there I gotta be honest I think there's plenty of guys that
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are be comfortable with that you know uh so find that guy I don't know where they hang out um
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you know but that guy that guy exists for sure uh I'd say he's more common than you
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think so good luck good luck out there by the way this came in pre uh it's gonna be a solo
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episode for advice this actually just came in randomly uh and coincident if she got what she was
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asking for but you know so I wish I'm sure she would have liked a bit of a feedback from Hannah
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on that one but no games only a fun guy get an open-minded guy that uh lets you have the best
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of both worlds and you deserve it you know and maybe this is controversial and maybe I'm going to
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get in trouble for closing the episode of it saying this and this is a double standard right but as far
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as I'm concerned woman and male relationship when a woman fools around with another woman it's not
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cheating and crucify me if you want but if if you're if you're a guy and you're you're with a woman
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and she's like yo I'm I was with a woman last night I'd be like hi hi hi good for you
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uh plus you know no STDs in the in the lesbian world really so good luck to you I wish you the best
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anyway everybody else we're out of here uh come see me in Nashville Atlanta Syracuse I'm back in
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Ireland in November oh I'm in Fort Lord of Dale don't forget uh 17th and 18th of October
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Nashville and Atlanta are the week before that midweek shows um Syracuse also on a Saturday
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then uh I go to Ireland in November I got a ton of shirts over there then I'm back Portland
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Seattle and then in the new year I am in Toronto Los Angeles San Diego uh Rochester I just booked
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anyway tons of shows desbishop.net or punchup.live slash desbishop also which is where you'll be
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directed if you go to desbishop.net anyway uh I know I keep saying I'm putting up a new special but
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we've been editing it and I'm just like I'm being oh I just can't make any final decisions but
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it's good wasn't happy about the lighting that's uh metal honestly part of the delay is my vanity
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so uh let's talk to you guys soon if you want to watch this episode I'm putting it on youtube okay um
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and uh other than that have a good day see you next week
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so
Topics Covered
Burner Phone podcast
Des Bishop
Hannah Burner
solo episode
guest host
relationship advice
Irish humor
dating in your 40s
societal pressure to settle down
double standards in relationships
comfort in relationships
communication in intimacy
laughing during sex
loneliness as a single friend
dating advice