Technology
A Secret to Stop the Hitting and Hurting When All Else Fails
In this episode of Unruffelt, Janet Landsfrey addresses the challenges parents face when dealing with aggressive behavior in children. She emphasizes the importance of understanding the root causes of...
A Secret to Stop the Hitting and Hurting When All Else Fails
Technology •
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Interactive Transcript
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Hi, this is Janet Landsfrey.
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Welcome to Unruffelt.
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Today I'm going to be talking about a topic that can be
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disconcerting for us as parents, can be scary, actually,
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because it is for our children.
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It's when they're being aggressive.
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When they're lashing out at siblings or us,
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and then we find ourselves naturally losing our tempers,
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how do we handle this?
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The first step, as it always, is understanding what's actually going on.
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Why our child is acting like this?
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And it really just comes down to one reason across the board.
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It's not as complicated as it might appear.
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They're feeling out of control.
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They're feeling unsafe.
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Our job, or what we can do, to shift this and make it better for them,
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and of course for us, too, is to give them that one thing
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that they're needing, a sense of safety.
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And the frustrating thing for us as parents is that nothing else will work.
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And we usually try everything before we get to this,
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because their behavior looks so alarming and mean and just scary, terrible.
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Like a bad sign of things to come, or a sign that we've been a terrible parent.
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And so we try to control the behavior, right?
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Maybe we try scolding them, telling them they can't do this.
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We're not going to let them.
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But none of that is giving them what they need,
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which is a sense that we accept that they are doing this.
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No, it's not okay.
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It's not allowed.
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We're not going to let them continue.
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But we accept that they're in this state where this is happening.
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And we need to be the co-regulators, if you will.
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We need to bring the safety back.
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So I'm going to talk a little about how that looks.
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I have two different notes here.
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I'll use those to kind of explain some of the details.
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But I do just want to make some points first.
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So one of the reasons that this throws us off balance,
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well, there's a lot of reasons that I mean, it looks terrible.
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It's scary.
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But also, it can seem like this evil person has come out in our child.
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And maybe this person's going to be there forever.
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And the truth is that for certain situational reasons,
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certain things that are going on, our child is feeling unsafe.
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But they're in a passage where they're feeling this.
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It's not like they're showing signs that they're going to be like this forever.
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Children pass through this.
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And probably most often, the way that they pass through it,
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especially in more authoritarian types of households,
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is they find a way to suppress these feelings in themselves,
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to put them away, internalize them.
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A lot of us, I'm sure, can relate to that.
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Maybe that was the approach our parents took.
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It's a common one.
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But the healthier path is for them to, instead of feeling,
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like, I have to stop doing these shameful things,
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because I'm even more scared now the way my parent is reacting,
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the healthier path is for them to feel,
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Phew, yeah, I feel unsafe,
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but I have people that can feel comfortable enough
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with handling my behavior.
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And then they're able to move through this passage.
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As children do move through these, or these are phases,
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they move through this passage with them feeling even closer to us,
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feeling deeply safe, not just safe, because they're not doing that behavior anymore.
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And we're not getting mad at them anymore,
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but that they feel safe inside,
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that when they're not able to manage themselves well,
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which happens to every child goes through something like this,
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they don't always act out aggressively with it,
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but they do go through feelings like this.
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And to know, on the other end of it,
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that when I'm feeling like this, and my behavior is off,
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my parents are there to show me I'm safe,
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stop me from doing things as best they can,
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but mostly I'm surrounded by this aura of comfort and safety.
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So if we can do that for them, even some of the time,
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we're still going to have our flare ups or times when at the end of a long day,
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we've had enough or it's just looking too terrible,
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but if we can keep bringing ourselves back to that,
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we can help our kids to feel safer and seen,
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which is part of feeling safe.
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You see me? You see that I'm doing this?
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You don't want me to be doing this,
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but you accept that this is where I am right now,
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and you exude a safe aura around me.
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So how do we do this, right?
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The hardest part of it is actually looking very objectively
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at what's going on for our child,
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because it almost always will make sense to us.
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They're just going through something.
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It's for these reasons.
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This isn't going to be forever.
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I just got to do my best to get us through this passage,
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which means we don't have to blame ourselves,
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and we can be kind to ourselves and know that,
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yeah, we're still going to lose our temper sometimes,
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because we're human,
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but there's really nothing for us to fear here.
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We can handle this situation.
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So what we want to get to is where we're feeling safe,
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because that's what our child is going to feel coming from us.
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So here's the first note.
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Almost three-year-old twin boys and three-month-old new baby help.
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I've been doing it all wrong.
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I've been shaming and punishing one of my kids
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when all he's been asking for is help.
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After listening to both your books,
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elevating childcare and no bad kids,
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I now know that I don't have a bad kid.
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I've been a bad parent.
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One of my boys has always been aggressive towards the other
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for about a year, I would say,
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with the arrival of the baby and then starting preschool.
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Two huge major changes.
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I have not been showing up for them.
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Question.
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I've started the buddy system and try my best to be close enough
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that I can block a hit, kick, or bite,
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but even if I'm standing right there,
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I miss a lot of it,
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or I can't get there because I'm holding the baby.
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Most times, this aggression leaves blood on his brother,
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and at that point, I lose it.
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How can I stay calm and be a leader
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when I feel like I'm allowing him to hurt his brother?
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When I was pregnant, I started date days
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and would spend a couple of hours a week on a date with one kid.
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I loved it. They loved it.
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Everyone loved it.
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Now with the boys in school,
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I relished the time I have alone
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and to bond with the baby.
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While they're at school,
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is the only time I have to spend with the baby and meet her needs.
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If I start doing the date dates again,
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I feel like I'm not giving myself or the baby the quality time we need.
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Twins are hard,
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and to make it harder,
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these boys are complete opposites literally in every way.
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One sleeps in, one gets up early,
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one has curly hair and the other has straight,
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one communicates his needs,
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one is aggressive,
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one winds, one yells,
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one loves rules and boundaries,
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one pushes all the boundaries,
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one's an introvert, one's an extrovert.
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I need to heal my child.
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I need to make him feel loved and safe.
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So this parent realizes exactly what's going on.
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What I want to help her with is to correct,
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no, she hasn't been a bad parent,
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she's been a human parent,
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a normal parent in a tough situation.
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But because she doesn't want to be in this tough situation anymore,
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because she wants to find her way out of it,
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there are some changes that she can make.
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Just subtle changes in all of these cases.
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So she lays it all out.
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This is all the reasons why her son has been like this.
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And yeah, her twins have totally different temperaments.
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That's the way children are.
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And there's nothing wrong with that.
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And the thing is even the introverted one
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who likes the rules,
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he needs to feel safe too, right?
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But how do we help him feel safe?
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We help his brother who's hurting him feel safe.
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So it's not like we're not caring about the introverted one,
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but for us to keep maybe shaming the aggressive one
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and then feeling sorry for the other one,
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that doesn't help the introverted one feel safer.
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That makes them feel more actually vulnerable and dependent on us.
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So in every case,
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it's about providing safety for the child
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who's showing that they really need it,
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that they're really having a hard time controlling their behavior.
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She says, I've started the buddy system.
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So I think she might be referring to what I call
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buddy guarding, which is being there when you can to stop the behavior.
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But with siblings and twins, you are going to miss a lot.
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And it's okay to miss a lot.
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I know people are going to say why is she saying that.
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This mother said there was blood.
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So again, the way to ease the whole thing,
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is to give a sense of safety to that aggressively behaving child.
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That's what I would focus on.
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Not being there to intervene every time,
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because that's just not going to happen.
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And really in a sibling situation,
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especially when they're twins and they're sort of evenly matched that way,
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that child does need to find ways to stick up for themselves
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in this relationship with their brother.
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So how could she create safety?
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By forgiving herself for feeling normal things
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and reacting in normal ways,
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understanding, yeah, it makes a lot of sense that one would react this way, right?
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They're not even three years old, these children.
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And all of this stuff is going on.
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And then their parent has maybe been explosive around it.
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So that just gives them more to feel unsafe about, right?
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No judgment on us, just acknowledging for ourselves,
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yeah, all of this has an effect.
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So my child's behavior makes sense.
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Therefore, I really don't have anything to worry about.
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I can be the parent to this child who's going through something
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simply by perceiving it for what it is.
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And then, yeah,
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buddy guarding when I'm there,
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you don't have to have a one-on-one outing with him right now.
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Maybe there's times when you could have an outing with both the boys.
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That probably doesn't sound very relaxing,
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but even just getting them away from the, you know,
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baby, if there's ever a time that opens up for that,
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that would be great too.
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I know you want to have one-on-one with each of them,
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but it might be actually good for their sense of being a team
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that you take them both out.
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I don't know, just a thought.
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And then allow them to, you know, have their dynamic where your
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inner-beening is you need to, but you're not seeing this as alarming
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what this child is doing because they each have a different way of handling it, right?
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Yes, with siblings, there's almost always going to be times that they hurt each other
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for giving yourself and them for that.
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So I hope she'll accept that what she's been doing is normal.
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She's not a bad parent and also accept the situation.
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She doesn't have a bad child.
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She has a child who's feeling really uncomfortable and unsafe,
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and she can start responding in a way because she perceives it in a way
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that creates that safety around it.
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She can say, you know, I see sometimes you want to lash out and just,
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you feel like hurting your brother and I want to know about that feeling.
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Like, you can share that with me.
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If you feel like doing that, you can tell me,
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I'm not going to get mad at you, I'm not going to judge you.
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I know you're having a hard time and I just want to help.
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Just that sentiment, no matter how you say it,
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even better that you show it, will ease his mind so much and ease his little heart.
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So first of all, self acceptance because we can't accept and feel safe around our
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children's behavior if we don't accept and feel safe about ours.
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So there's nothing wrong with you for reacting the way you have,
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but seeing this differently and responding as you would if there's people feeling unsafe around you,
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or even an animal feeling unsafe, right?
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What would you do?
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We wouldn't yell at the animal, right?
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We would make an atmosphere of acceptance and safety,
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while also doing our best to contain their behavior.
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Okay, here's another one.
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Dear Janet, I'm trying my luck again in getting your wisdom.
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I know you're probably getting lots of emails and requests,
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but I'm really at the end of my rope with tools and advice to help my sweet little boy.
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I have an almost five-year-old and a ten-month-old baby.
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I believe I'm a somewhat conscious parent and have been listening to your podcast for years
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into other parenting experts out there and trying to implement the tools.
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We are extremely struggling with my son's aggression.
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It first started around two years ago when visiting his grandparents and hitting his younger cousin.
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It then continues escalating despite our best attempts at setting loving boundaries
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with us and his friends.
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We would say that hands are not for hitting, you can't hurt my body.
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I was in part-time work, so I was present with him, but also involving him in daily life,
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cooking, cleaning, etc., while also spending one-on-one playtime.
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I realize he is a proprioceptive seeker, so I try to engage him in physical play as well.
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His dad used to work from home most of the time for long hours,
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so it was not as present, although he was around physically.
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He moved from a Montessori Infancy community to the children's house around two years ago.
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We moved to house last summer, same neighborhood,
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and got a new sibling around December,
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and I realized those are two massive life changes and can be unsettling,
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so we tried to make them as gentle as possible.
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We did renovation over a few months before the move and took him with us to the new house
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and talked a lot about the new sibling and what to expect.
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However, 10 months down the line, and he's super aggressive with his sister,
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and it is persistent and getting worse.
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He started with pulling her hands and legs as a baby,
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to which we explained this can hurt her,
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and we can't handle the baby this way and model gentle hands.
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Her space is set up in a Montessori way, so he's all over her space
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and does not accept any form of verbal limit.
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He just hits when she comes near his shelves,
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tries to join us in play, or even approach him for play.
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She is clearly very confused and upset about this.
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I try to do one on one time with him for varying lengths,
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that can be 10 minutes or one hour.
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I try to give him tools and sports cask,
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but the aggression seems super fast,
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and sadly sometimes I lose my patience and end up with threats,
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yelling, shaming by saying,
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why do you like to upset her or ruin our playtime?
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I'm even ashamed to say I've occasionally handled him roughly
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as I pull him away from her, which does not help in being gentle.
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I'm going through a transitional period,
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but their dad, as we figure out our relationship,
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and he has been spending more time outside the house,
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and I'm sure my son is someone affected by it.
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I'm really worried about him hurting the baby.
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He sometimes shows he wants to interact and play with her,
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but all in aggressive play,
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and I'm too stressed sometimes to let him.
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Even if I say to myself, I should trust and give him a chance,
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I end up regretting it.
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I get he's grieving the loss of me being fully there for him,
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but even when I have some help and try to take him for one on one time,
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he asks if his sister can join us.
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Their dad thinks the solution is to separate them
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while I feel this will cause him to feel more excluded,
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especially since I breastfeed and need to be more with the baby.
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Things might change in half a year when she starts the infant community,
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but that's a long way away.
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I'm sorry this has been a long letter,
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but I'm really trying to figure out what to do.
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He was such a sweet, wonderful boy.
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Not even the two-year-old tantrums.
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We have more meltdowns, attempts to try the respectful boundaries just backfire at us,
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and I feel guilty and no, it doesn't work to resort to shaming or yelling.
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Maybe your wisdom can help with this situation.
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So yes, this parent really seems to understand what's going on
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and why her child is behaving like this,
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but I think what we need sometimes I feel is just more encouragement to believe that,
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and to understand the effects that all these transitions have on sensitive children.
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And that some children, there's nothing wrong with them,
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it's their different sensitivity and the way that they react is that they do lash out.
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And that gets a reaction that doesn't help the child to feel like they're seen and safe.
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Then it continues.
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So that's what I think is going on here.
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So he's almost five years old and there's a 10-month-old baby.
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She says this has been going on for like two years, but getting worse.
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Now it's a big struggle.
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She said it started when he hit his younger cousin at his grandparents' house.
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So I'm not sure how she handled that, but the way most of us would instinctively handle that is
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being alarmed, maybe yelling at him or scolding him.
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So I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but
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you know, he had an impulse and he couldn't control it or didn't control it.
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Then he saw, wow, I actually have impulses that do scary things and get people mad at me.
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Imagine how that feels.
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And then it could just be something simmering that just feels like this out of control part of you.
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And if you have that feeling in you for some children, it'll be just the way that they don't behave
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in other ways that their parents want them to.
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They aren't polite to the stranger that comes up.
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You know, it's not that they're necessarily being aggressive,
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but they're doing things that disappoint us in a sort of impulsive way.
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It wasn't a thought-out response that they gave and then they got this reaction from us.
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So it feels like, oh gosh, there's these parts of me that could explode at any moment and turn
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everyone against me. And we can imagine how scary that feels to be that out of control.
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And children don't have that self-regulation in these early years.
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I mean, they don't have it completely for a long time.
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So it's just a fact of their life that they have these out of control moments.
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The more that we can relate to them and see from their point of view and imagine what it feels
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like to be them, the easier it's going to be for us to say, well, this is not cool behavior
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to ourselves, but there's nothing unsafe about it that I can't handle.
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This isn't a terrible sign of what's to come. This is my child going through something where
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they're emotionally on edge and therefore they have even less control of these impulses inside
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them. They need to feel like when they're in this state, they have me. I'm not going to be a
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alarm-buyed because I'm no longer a alarm-buyed. I'm just concerned and trying to have empathy for
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what's going on with them knowing they don't want to be behaving this way. So how does that look
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in this situation with this little baby getting hurt? Obviously, that's not okay. So to help them stay
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safe, we want to try to set up an environment for success. I wonder if this parent could have a safe
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space for the baby to be that has a gate or at least is a little more of an effort for her son to
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enter so that the baby's not able to get on his shelves and his stuff. You know, because that's
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another thing is that now this baby's 10 months old, a very exploratory age, they just want to
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grab it and throw it and he's at quite a different stage in his play where he's got projects. He's
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doing things. He's building things maybe or he's got some imaginary play setup or he's doing artwork.
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There's things that he's doing that we don't want to have him in the position where he's going to
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go off because the baby might have been about to mess it up. So that's one way that we can not only
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help the baby be safer without us having to be watching every second and also have him feel safer
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because again, when he feels safe, the baby's going to be safer. So how can we set the environment up?
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Sometimes also if there's a way of having the older child have a space that's maybe just a table
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that the baby can't get to, the child can sit up at this table and do certain kinds of play that
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they don't want the baby to interrupt or they maybe have a separate room where they can do it.
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And then what I'd recommend is to make it a choice for him to want to be with his sibling,
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but not something that he always decides when you can be there and be a safe presence with him.
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So he's making a conscious choice that he wants to be with the baby. I think it's so interesting
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and telling, not surprising in a way that when she offers him one-on-one time, he says he wants to do
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it with the baby. Actually, what I think I would do as I would say, oh, you really want the baby,
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but you know what? I'm going to insist that it's just with you because I just want to be with you.
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And if that becomes even a time where you go out for a walk or go to the park or do something simple
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and then he's getting mad at you or acting out in some way, then that is wonderful quality time
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where you can show him. I want to be with you even though you're not being your best self right now,
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I still want to be with you, even if you feel rejecting of me when we go out together.
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That's a wonderful message that you could give him in one-on-one time.
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But then when you're with both of them, there's also a really telling part here, this is so common
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he wants to interact and play with her, but all in aggressive play and I'm too stressed sometimes to
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let him. Even if I say to myself, I should trust and give him a chance, I end up regretting it.
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When she talks about another time where he started pulling her hands and legs as a baby to which
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we explain this can hurt her. So instead of explaining that can hurt her and all that, which I do
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believe a child would know, and instead of saying hands are not for hitting, help them with the impulse
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instead. So oh, you want to do that? You know what, I'm like, I'll let you or you've got that
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excitable energy right now. So I'm not going to let you go in the baby's space right now,
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or now I'll let you go in with me here, but you know what, I'm going to hold you back until
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you can breathe and come to her in a really calm place. And then be ready even then if he maybe
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seems calm or pulls it together that when he gets right next to her that impulse might come up to
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lash out. Having your hand there even then, when you have the energy to do this, that's the way I
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would allow them to play together right now. Not telling him what to do and why he shouldn't do it
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because those are things that he already knows, but letting him know, I see you, I'm going to stop you
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and I always did this for myself. Don't worry, I would think in my head and sometimes say it,
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don't worry, I'm not going to let you come at her aggressively, even though you want to play,
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I'm not comfortable or it's not safe, so I'm going to stop you. Like don't worry. Seeing it as that
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loving, helpful, safety, providing response. So just as with the other parent, I hope this parent
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will accept that everything she's been doing makes sense also and is normal, it's just not going
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to help do what she wants it to do. Forget about those phrases and words that people say to try to
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control behaviors, you'll see how he relaxes. When you feel safe, you know you can handle whatever
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he throws at you, you're going to make it easy for yourself by having a separate place for the baby.
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And then your expectation is, yeah, he's going through something right now, he's feeling unsafe,
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I can provide the safety. So forgiving ourselves so that we can believe in ourselves again,
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that's really important, that's the first step. And then seeing what is this behavior showing me?
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What does he need? It's as if he's saying, I don't feel comfortable, I don't feel safe. And you know
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what, we're the ones that can do this. It's a wonderfully benevolently powerful position to be in.
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So when he does things like hit us or his cousin or hurt the baby, there may also be times when you
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can connect with him there. Not to say don't do that, that's not okay, which he already knows, but
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to say, what happened with your cousin that you just want to hurt him? What does that feel like?
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Like sometimes you just want to grab the baby so hard, and I know you love her, but it's my job to keep you safe.
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So I'm going in depth on all these issues about our perceptions, I'm simplifying it all for you,
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all the steps to take to be able to understand behaviors and slowly but surely start to instinctively
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respond in a way that creates safety because we're seeing into our children so much more clearly
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when we can accept ourselves in our journey and forgive ourselves and dispel some of that fear that
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we feel around these situations. Once we really have these glimmers of where we're actually connecting
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with our child, seeing them when they're at their worst and seeing it with a little tiny, tiny bit
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of empathy sometimes, it's like something opening up for us that never closes again and really helps
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us when they go through all the things teenage years. I remember before my children were teenage,
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I used to think teenagers were so scary, like 10-year-olds were so tough and scary sometimes,
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and then you realize, because you're watching your children go all the way through this, that they're
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that same vulnerable child inside that really wants to be a good person and really needs us to
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love and accept them and be there for them when we can. So thank you so much for listening,
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I really hope some of this helps and we can do this.
Topics Covered
parenting advice
child aggression
sibling rivalry
co-regulation
creating safety for children
handling aggressive behavior
understanding child emotions
parenting challenges
supporting emotional safety
twin parenting
dealing with aggressive siblings
emotional development in children
accepting children's behavior
effective parenting strategies
nurturing child safety
parenting twins