#738 - JIMMY CARR + ANDREW SANTINO

Interactive Transcript

spk_0 Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network.

spk_0 This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple,

spk_0 Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

spk_0 Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff.

spk_0 You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever.

spk_0 ShopSquad.tv.

spk_0 And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony.

spk_0 Hey, this is RedBan, come to your lab from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas

spk_0 for a brand new episode of Killtony. Get it right, Tony!

spk_0 Hitchcla!

spk_0 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

spk_0 Hi, Evie!

spk_0 Make some noise for Brian RedBan, ladies and gentlemen.

spk_0 Oh, shit!

spk_0 And how about one more time for the best standband in all the land, huh?

spk_0 Fernando Castillo Raul Baléjo, Carlos Sosa on the horns, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

spk_0 Yes, Matt Muleing on the electric guitar, the great John D's on the keys.

spk_0 That is Demandness Live in the Flush.

spk_0 And how about one more time joining us tonight.

spk_0 How exciting is this, the great and powerful Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

spk_0 Hell yeah!

spk_0 It is happening, Love and Fear at the Sphere in Las Vegas, separate December 2025 in January, 2026.

spk_0 And the new album, Love and Fear, releases night one of their Sphere performances at Friday, December 5th.

spk_0 One more time for Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

spk_0 Joining us all night, we're gonna have some fun.

spk_0 Fucking welcome to the chaos, Zach. I love it.

spk_0 We're gonna have a blast tonight, people.

spk_0 This is an unbelievable show we have set up for you.

spk_0 How many of you have been fans for a long time?

spk_0 Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas.

spk_0 Make some noise if you live somewhere else and flew in because you were able to get tickets to this show.

spk_0 Unbelievable.

spk_0 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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spk_0 Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh?

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 I mean, we got an episode sponsored by Talkspace.

spk_0 We got Zach Brown.

spk_0 We got the best standband in the land.

spk_0 Every single week I booked two of the funniest people in the world this week.

spk_0 Holy shit.

spk_0 Top tippy tippy tippy top is good as it fucking gets.

spk_0 Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Andrew Santino in Jimmy Carr.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Andrew motherfucking Santino is back.

spk_0 Jimmy Carr.

spk_0 One of the front runners for guests of the year.

spk_0 Jimmy Carr is back.

spk_0 Santino is back.

spk_0 White noise is on Hulu.

spk_0 He's on Tori.

spk_0 Andrew Santino.com.

spk_0 Jimmy Carr.

spk_0 One of the nominees, 2025 Guest of the Year, is back.

spk_0 Step competition Rob Schneider, carrot top, you, James McCann, it's fucking crazy runnings.

spk_0 And you are back and in it looking better than ever.

spk_0 Me and you often confuse for two ventriloquist dummies.

spk_0 And here we are working together.

spk_0 Working together.

spk_0 It's Goosebumps meets Toy Story.

spk_0 Welcome back, Jimmy.

spk_0 Jimmy Carr.com.

spk_0 He's on Tori all over the world.

spk_0 Aussie, New Zealand, the entire world.

spk_0 Jimmy Carr.com.

spk_0 I'm having a great time.

spk_0 I'm very pleased to be here.

spk_0 Kind of excited about this.

spk_0 Yes, me too.

spk_0 Nice to be helping young talent.

spk_0 Absolutely.

spk_0 Andrew Santino, it has been way too long of a goddamn time.

spk_0 It's been a long time.

spk_0 It's gonna be back.

spk_0 Hello, Mother Ship.

spk_0 Great to be here.

spk_0 We started together.

spk_0 18 years ago we were doing stand-up together all over Los Angeles.

spk_0 We started together.

spk_0 Back when you were in your 50s.

spk_0 Hey, hey.

spk_0 You fucking walking mummy.

spk_0 Alright.

spk_0 Shoot at me, James.

spk_0 Ooh, little chemistry here.

spk_0 Backstage.

spk_0

spk_0 He started shit.

spk_0 It's a little fucking salt and cinnamon over here.

spk_0 Hello.

spk_0 Don't.

spk_0 And, uh, yeah.

spk_0 So Andrew, it's been so long that you've been on the show

spk_0 that maybe I should remind you that over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get into tonight's bucket.

spk_0 It is absolutely incredible.

spk_0 If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

spk_0 You know, the time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

spk_0 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

spk_0 Which really interrupts them.

spk_0 And then I conduct an interview.

spk_0 We have some fun.

spk_0 We find out more about them.

spk_0 The whole thing is improvised.

spk_0 Anything can happen.

spk_0 I'm going to let one of the members of the world's palest couple that I've ever seen in my entire life.

spk_0 You guys make Andrew Santino look like a Dominican Yankee player.

spk_0 I mean, look at the lack of color on these people.

spk_0 It is incredible.

spk_0 I think they might be ghosts.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 This is fucking crazy.

spk_0 Are you a couple?

spk_0 Yeah, that's unfortunate.

spk_0 You guys make a baby.

spk_0 It's just going to look like a cup of gum.

spk_0 Some of the powerful humor that you're in for tonight.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 But if you come on her tits, does it just look like nothing?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Let's try.

spk_0 Let's see it.

spk_0 You want to see your ghost come, dude.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

spk_0 We're going to start it with a golden ticker winner.

spk_0 Well, we go wrangle.

spk_0 Ghost come.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 Is the ghost come episode of Kill Tony?

spk_0 Well, we go wrangle that bucket pool from the bar next door.

spk_0 Is that person finds out that their life has changed?

spk_0 And they're about to be on the biggest show in all of comedy.

spk_0 We're going to bring out a golden ticker winner to start off with a brand new minute.

spk_0 Really, one of the most neurotic young comedians coming up.

spk_0 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw.

spk_0 Everybody, here we go.

spk_0 I got a roadhead.

spk_0 I did it.

spk_0 And that should be illegal.

spk_0 No one should ever have roadhead ever.

spk_0 It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me.

spk_0 And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked.

spk_0 Well, while driving, it is horrifying.

spk_0 And if you ever are offering someone roadhead, don't offer them roadhead.

spk_0 Because we can't say no to that.

spk_0 It's like offering a coke addict.

spk_0 Cocaine.

spk_0 It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow.

spk_0 And that's a pun.

spk_0 And so, you know, it was happening for me.

spk_0 And we were driving.

spk_0 And it was fantastic.

spk_0 But I'm panicking.

spk_0 Because that's what happens when you get roadhead.

spk_0 Because people can see you while you're driving.

spk_0 So you're just sitting there, fucking trying.

spk_0 To make like you're just driving.

spk_0 And we were driving.

spk_0 And there was a UPS driver who pulled up next to us.

spk_0 And you know, they have the big male truck, dude.

spk_0 And I'm panicking and I look over at him.

spk_0 And he's looking at me and he goes...

spk_0 And that's when I learned I come from positive affirmation.

spk_0 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

spk_0 Stop.

spk_0 Stop, please stop clapping.

spk_0 Stop, no!

spk_0 By God, he's coming, ladies and gentlemen.

spk_0 I'm going to cut you off right there, Jack.

spk_0 Welcome, welcome. That was great, Jimmy.

spk_0 Can I ask where your mother was driving you?

spk_0 Ha, ha, ha.

spk_0 Uh, no.

spk_0 You cannot.

spk_0 Jack, that was fun.

spk_0 That type of bit, please, right into your awkward nervous neurosis.

spk_0 What are you talking about?

spk_0 I'm like a cool guy.

spk_0 I'm like a god cool guy, yeah.

spk_0 Go ahead, Andrew.

spk_0 This is, uh, Trump was right, Tylenol during pregnancy.

spk_0 Because Trump was fucking right on the money, dude.

spk_0 It's bad.

spk_0 It's getting really bad.

spk_0 It's amazing, totally relatable to people

spk_0 that have had roadhead before.

spk_0 Where were, where was this?

spk_0 Oh, I was on the way back from Yosemite.

spk_0 We were on a big mountain.

spk_0 And I think because we were on a big mountain,

spk_0 she was like, oh, no, sucker dick.

spk_0 Wow, I was like, yeah!

spk_0 Amazing.

spk_0 Have you ever had roadhead?

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 I'll ask you the question.

spk_0 What kind of car were you driving when getting this room?

spk_0 I was driving my fiat life.

spk_0 Oh, my god.

spk_0 Yeah, tiny little car.

spk_0 It's a tiny car.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 I was asking, Jimmy.

spk_0 It was cramped.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 You were cartoon.

spk_0 You have a very cartoon vibe.

spk_0 Oh, OK.

spk_0 I mean, I love it.

spk_0 OK.

spk_0 But you don't feel like a real boy.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Have you seen your face?

spk_0 It is.

spk_0 Oh, my.

spk_0 Like.

spk_0 It's totally funny.

spk_0 Actually, pretty reasonable.

spk_0 Yeah, yeah.

spk_0 No.

spk_0

spk_0 It's so scary.

spk_0

spk_0 It's got the issue.

spk_0 The love suits you.

spk_0 Yeah, it does.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 But where did you start laughing like that?

spk_0 I've always had like an any laugh.

spk_0 Weird, any.

spk_0 I've got a theory on it.

spk_0 I think I must have rubbed the magic lamp at some point.

spk_0 A magic genie appeared and granted me three wishes.

spk_0 And there must have been a mix up,

spk_0 but lost something lost in translation.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Now instead of being hung like a donkey or a laugh like one.

spk_0 Tony, you stay quiet over there.

spk_0 It's just me and Jimmy now.

spk_0 OK, Jack.

spk_0 OK, never mind.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 Very funny.

spk_0 Sorry, I thought that was going to be so funny.

spk_0 I'm being groomed.

spk_0 You're being reverse groomed.

spk_0 Yeah, my bad.

spk_0 The pedophile has become the rubber.

spk_0 Oh, wait.

spk_0 No.

spk_0 That's what I said that right.

spk_0 The victim has become the pedophile.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 There it is.

spk_0 It's been better the first time.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 Jack, what else is going on in life, everything good?

spk_0 You know, I've been trying to find ways to deal with my anxiety.

spk_0 And I've been nervous to talk about this.

spk_0 But I've, and people in my life don't know about this.

spk_0 But I've been, I've found a way to deal with it.

spk_0 And I've been, I've been jazz scatting.

spk_0 OK, let's check the way you want to do a little jazz scatting.

spk_0 I was thinking, I was thinking I could, I think I could jazz scat a little bit.

spk_0 OK.

spk_0 I'll just...

spk_0 Jack's one of those guys that I can really only handle for about five minutes.

spk_0 He is literally at four minutes and 51 seconds on this stage right now.

spk_0 And I can just feel it creeping on.

spk_0 Like I kind of get sick of him.

spk_0 He's always great for a minute of he or he is.

spk_0 It's jazz scatting.

spk_0 It's Jack Shaw, everybody.

spk_0 I'm going to check in with our senior music correspondent tonight, Zach Brown.

spk_0 What did you think about that?

spk_0

spk_0 I thought that jazz scatting that you just heard right there.

spk_0 I'll trip in my mouth a little bit.

spk_0 Perfect.

spk_0 I think we all did.

spk_0 We all had a little...

spk_0 I feel like I'm in a dream sequence in an episode of Save by the Bell.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It is true.

spk_0 He does have those creepy vibes.

spk_0 Andrew Santina.

spk_0 Yeah, just once again, the juice stealing black art lies.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Once again, dude.

spk_0 It is amazing.

spk_0 I'm afraid of that, but I have jazz in my heart and come in my pants.

spk_0 Okay, sorry.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 Well, you got tonight's start-up for the show.

spk_0 Everybody how it goes, Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen.

spk_0 And it has begun, everybody.

spk_0 So the bucket we go.

spk_0 This is the bread and butter of the show where truly anything can happen.

spk_0 We meet people together.

spk_0 Sometimes it's a super talent of the future that ends up becoming a reenactor on SNL.

spk_0 Anything can happen.

spk_0 We're finding the next talent.

spk_0 Sometimes it's a completely mentally ill person that thought they could do this easily.

spk_0 And it turns out life hits hard.

spk_0 Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night is Marvin Izzy, everybody.

spk_0 Marvin Izzy.

spk_0 Yeah, good.

spk_0 Yeah, man.

spk_0 So I've been out here in Austin for a couple of months.

spk_0 And so on the news that a reporter said that these two individuals got into a kerfuffle.

spk_0 And one of them stabbed the other and murdered him.

spk_0 And that's it made me sad.

spk_0 Because like 40 years of being on this earth.

spk_0 And I ain't know what kerfuffle, man.

spk_0 I was looking up, where's a kerfuffle Texas on Google and shit.

spk_0 Celebrated 18 years with my wife, which is cool, but my grandparents celebrated.

spk_0 They were 60 years together before they passed away.

spk_0 And I asked her, like, what's your secret for long relationship like that?

spk_0 My grandmother was like, it's not, don't worry, it's not going to happen for you.

spk_0 And I'm like, damn, why not?

spk_0 And she was like, because we've known each other since we were children.

spk_0 And I'm like, that's beautiful.

spk_0 Like, how did I even know each other since I were kids?

spk_0 And she was like, because we're cousins.

spk_0 So it's true.

spk_0 We're not, I will never achieve what they achieved.

spk_0 Because I broke up with my cousin years ago.

spk_0 Marvin is you.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 Hell yeah.

spk_0 Welcome back to the show, Marvin.

spk_0 I remember you've been on before.

spk_0 Yes, sir. How's it going?

spk_0 It's been going great, man.

spk_0 I've been out here living in Austin for nine months.

spk_0 And it's fucking beautiful out here, man. I love it.

spk_0 Right. Well, how do you make money, Marvin?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 So I...

spk_0 Very good question.

spk_0 I have a day job.

spk_0 I mean, I work for this factory company just doing assembly work and shit just hand over the inventory.

spk_0 That's right.

spk_0 What are you putting together in the factory?

spk_0 Just computer parts and stuff.

spk_0 Really can't save too much about it.

spk_0 You made me sound like NDAs and stuff.

spk_0 Oh, perfect. Well, then you've already said too much.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 I love it. Marvin, were you been doing for fun in life?

spk_0 Other than what have you been doing a lot of open mics?

spk_0 Yeah, I've gone out to a couple of mics and stuff.

spk_0 You know, sign up for the mothership every Monday.

spk_0 Sign up here every Monday and a creek and all the other ones in town that I can get out to.

spk_0 What do you do for a family and you're not doing stand up?

spk_0 Honestly, I just like to chill in my crib.

spk_0 Like, you know, just chill in your crib.

spk_0 Yeah, just chill in my house, you know.

spk_0 We are like peas in a pot.

spk_0 Yeah, I love to chill in my crib.

spk_0 Indeed, you do.

spk_0 I feel like, is there a drug assist going on here?

spk_0 We...

spk_0 Oh, we do not counting that as a...

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 That's it.

spk_0 Drugs. No, that makes sense.

spk_0 What do you do when you're chilling at the crib?

spk_0 What exactly do you do?

spk_0 I like to, like, have a little drink sit on my little patio area.

spk_0 Just look at the stars and you should...

spk_0 Yeah, you should look at the stars.

spk_0 Look at you, you know, stuff.

spk_0 I entertain like a guy in the year four.

spk_0 I think you're a fucking beautiful human being.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Because you came out with like that, yo, yo, deaf, what up, and then now we're talking,

spk_0 you're like, well, I like to sit on the patio.

spk_0 You're like a drug dealer I can take home to mom.

spk_0 I fucking...

spk_0 I like you, dude.

spk_0 I am actually polite, you know.

spk_0 Yeah, you are.

spk_0 Yeah, but I am from the hood, like, as you...

spk_0 Where you are from?

spk_0 I'm originally from Bronx, New York.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 What's the craziest thing you ever saw in the streets of the Bronx?

spk_0 Oh, shit.

spk_0 I seen a dude get stabbed over a hienic embattled.

spk_0 Oh, my God.

spk_0 You know, that's cold.

spk_0 They cool that a caffuffle.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 A little...

spk_0 Indeed, they do.

spk_0 A little Puerto Rican payback right there.

spk_0 It's like Freaky Friday.

spk_0 He's being me.

spk_0 Amazing.

spk_0 What did you do when you saw that?

spk_0 Did you try to help the stabbing victim?

spk_0 Uh, no.

spk_0 I just screamed, oh, in shock.

spk_0 And I lived...

spk_0 It happened right across the street from a police station.

spk_0 Like, oh!

spk_0 Like that.

spk_0 Oh!

spk_0 Like, oh!

spk_0 You know what I mean?

spk_0 Is that it?

spk_0 Yeah, it's something like that.

spk_0 Like, oh, shit.

spk_0 You know, like...

spk_0 That's the type of blood that was pouring out of the innocent victim.

spk_0 It was typo.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It was typo here.

spk_0 Why did I do that?

spk_0 Wait a help, I'm...

spk_0 Yeah, not.

spk_0 And then there was a police station right across the street.

spk_0 So we looked at him and was like, yo, come help.

spk_0 And they told us to call 911.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It's a bureaucracy.

spk_0 You have to go to this.

spk_0 It's an order of events there.

spk_0 You can't just wave at the police.

spk_0 Yeah, silly.

spk_0 I got genuine feedback if that's appropriate.

spk_0 Let's do it.

spk_0 You were durable when you smiled.

spk_0 You've got a really lovely smile.

spk_0 Thank you.

spk_0 And yet you came out and you were very kind of...

spk_0 It was quite a harsh kind of tough guy thing.

spk_0 I think he laughed a little bit.

spk_0 Would be good with your set.

spk_0 I think I was just more focused on it.

spk_0 Because, you know, my last appearances weren't as cool as this one right now.

spk_0 Definitely not.

spk_0 I remember it was terrible.

spk_0 But I like it when he giggles.

spk_0 It's kind of funny, man.

spk_0 Jimmy's got a point.

spk_0 You can be focused and smile at the same time.

spk_0 Thank you for saying that, Chris.

spk_0 Oh, Loki Doke, you do your own thing.

spk_0 I'm sorry.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 There we go.

spk_0 It's right.

spk_0 Someone compliments like my giggle and stuff.

spk_0 Because someone said I sound like a Puerto Rican crusty the clown.

spk_0 So, I thank you.

spk_0 I'm sorry.

spk_0 Is you were saying I'm sorry?

spk_0 Oh, thank you.

spk_0 Thank you for the opportunity.

spk_0 Really, thank you.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 What an opportunity you've given me.

spk_0 I'm so glad you pulled me out of your fucking bucket tonight

spk_0 so that I can talk on your show.

spk_0 Thank you.

spk_0 What is this tattoo on your farm?

spk_0 What does that say?

spk_0 This is my daughter's name.

spk_0 It says Laila.

spk_0 No, it says Laila.

spk_0 Can we get a close up on that?

spk_0 Because that just doesn't say fucking like that.

spk_0 All right, that's it.

spk_0 What language is that?

spk_0 It's calligraphy and I guess an apprentice did her son.

spk_0 I did it when I was like 18 or something.

spk_0 So, it's not.

spk_0 It's one say Laila.

spk_0 Now, you know, I...

spk_0 Did you stab the tattoo artist with a Heineken bottle after that?

spk_0 No, not in getting to any kerfuffles with him.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 Laila.

spk_0 Like the Clapton song.

spk_0 What song?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Cultured.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You don't know Laila.

spk_0 Got me all my knees, Laila.

spk_0 You don't know that song?

spk_0 No, I really don't.

spk_0 It's kind of like if Bad Bunny slowed it down and had rhythm.

spk_0 I don't listen to Bad Bunny either.

spk_0 I didn't know you couldn't say.

spk_0 Every time you've been on, you had a little joke book.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And I actually wanted to ask a weird thing.

spk_0 I wanted to trade in my little joke book.

spk_0 And I wanted to see if you guys...

spk_0 Somebody here wanted to do something cool.

spk_0 Oh, boy.

spk_0 It's really your moment, huh?

spk_0 Jesus Christ.

spk_0 Holy shit, bro.

spk_0 I said, I'm prepared for this.

spk_0 You prepared for this more than you did for the fucking minute.

spk_0 Took you 35 seconds to get to the kerfuffle punchline.

spk_0 But here you are.

spk_0 Well, I'd like to stop and...

spk_0 I'd like to do something special.

spk_0 What are you accepting of fucking Emmy Award?

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 I think he's gonna try and fuck Tony.

spk_0 Yeah, I think so.

spk_0 What's the shove the joke book up my ass?

spk_0 What's going on?

spk_0 So this would be the second time that I'm doing this.

spk_0 I'm gonna cut my hair off and donate it for children to get wigs made out of.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 So I wanted to know...

spk_0 Some kid with cancer out there is gonna have a greasy bone eating.

spk_0 You want to cut it off?

spk_0 Oh, okay, great.

spk_0 Wait, what?

spk_0 And she was gonna cut off the tail here.

spk_0 Cut it.

spk_0 I don't want to fucking look at it anymore.

spk_0 I was just for all time.

spk_0 Do you sneak a pair of scissors in here?

spk_0 I hope you all do.

spk_0 I can't bring any of this.

spk_0 You got a knife?

spk_0 This guy's got a crazy knife.

spk_0 Wait a second.

spk_0 What are we doing here?

spk_0 Oh my god.

spk_0 This is how it all ends, everybody.

spk_0 Man, man stabbed with Zach Brown's knife.

spk_0 Killed Tony, Zach Brown.

spk_0 We're all getting canceled at the same time.

spk_0 Joe Rogan's experience is like, oh, I'll go.

spk_0 Oh my god.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 Unbelievable.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 That is a fucking knife.

spk_0 That is a powerful knife.

spk_0 This is great.

spk_0 You can add head dressing to your resume.

spk_0 It's incredible.

spk_0 He's trying to follow on your footsteps, Dad.

spk_0 It's incredible.

spk_0 This is very healthy hair as well.

spk_0 Why is it still in your hand?

spk_0 Well, I realize if I put it down, it will go away.

spk_0 It's so disgusting.

spk_0 Can I get out of way for a moment?

spk_0 Please hand it to me.

spk_0 No, no, no, no.

spk_0 It's almost October.

spk_0 What do you guys want?

spk_0 Give it to me.

spk_0 Give it to that guy.

spk_0 You want to what?

spk_0 I want to trade this in.

spk_0 What the fuck are we going to do with that?

spk_0 You psycho.

spk_0 You spend too much time.

spk_0 I want to give it a little joke book.

spk_0 I'm staring at the stars.

spk_0 You keep your little joke book.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 Keep your little joke book.

spk_0 And you've moved up to a medium joke book.

spk_0 There you go.

spk_0 And the show is the gun.

spk_0 With Marvin is the gun.

spk_0 Fucking.

spk_0 There's something disgusting to me about that hair.

spk_0 Get out of here, Marvin.

spk_0 Go.

spk_0 Jesus.

spk_0 Fucking just one more thing.

spk_0 I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and trade.

spk_0 Oh, my God.

spk_0 Ladies and gentlemen, nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair better than the beautiful

spk_0 Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen.

spk_0 Heidi Regina.com or new website.

spk_0 She has a new podcast with the Great Baller either on Danger of All over this table.

spk_0 Very good.

spk_0 Red band's been waiting 30 seconds to get the big danger of flying in there everyone.

spk_0 If you look back at the video, he's waiting.

spk_0 He's got the mic up to his mouth to say there's danger.

spk_0 Stopping, please.

spk_0 I'll stop.

spk_0 The light.

spk_0 That is a compliment.

spk_0 It's not dangerous.

spk_0 It's actual hair.

spk_0 There is a small piece of hair.

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spk_0 Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by ZipperCrooter. The holidays are upon us

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spk_0 kill Tony ZipperCrooter the smartest way to hire. You guys ready for your next

spk_0 bucket pool you get it? Ladies and gentlemen doing an uninterrupted 60

spk_0 seconds it's Justin Tamayo everybody. Justin Tamayo.

spk_0 So my body just came back from this honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands and when

spk_0 he was out there the tour guide on the boat he said if you look just right out

spk_0 there you can see Epstein's Island. What the fuck he looked over his wife.

spk_0 What the fuck? He said yeah if you're going to beach you grab a seashell you can

spk_0 hear a kid cry.

spk_0 Yeah it's fucked up y'all laughed at that but that's yeah sorry you got any

spk_0 single people here? Yeah fuck yeah I'm doing that online dating or what I

spk_0 call I keep getting tricked by fat girls.

spk_0 The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones.

spk_0 Because no that is not the threesome I want to have. I'm Justin Tamayo thank

spk_0 everybody. Welcome Justin is this your first time on the show? Absolutely man. I

spk_0 love it how long you been doing stand up about two and a half and some change.

spk_0 Where at? Just local Austin Anderson Mill pub gotta love that open mic you can

spk_0 get on there it's it's the hardest shit so wow yeah I have a feeling it would be

spk_0 so difficult for me to get a chance to perform at the Anderson pub. Hey I

spk_0 know somebody. It's so hard to do. Andrew Santino. I love your disdain for

spk_0 fat girls I think that's great I really enjoy that kind of belittling of women I

spk_0 like that dude that's good especially because you're in such good shape I

spk_0 like that you're like fuck these fat girls man that's cool yeah fuck them

spk_0 dude right on good for you dude rock and roll. How often are you getting tricked by

spk_0 fat girls how often is this happened? It happens a lot and I'm sure every guy

spk_0 here can attest to it. What's the trick that they're doing? How do they

spk_0 trick you what are they doing are they using filters on their pictures? It's

spk_0 it's the angles man it's the angles the hair they put the hair and they got

spk_0 that they prop the titties up there and it's just every guy's like yes swipe and

spk_0 then they're like fuck they see him so you end up out on dates with these people

spk_0 and then what do you what how does it go do you end up finishing anyway because

spk_0 you're already committed you know I mean what do you do fake a stomachache and go

spk_0 home early. It's good that's good actually. No so what I started doing was

spk_0 meeting them at Wendy's and I do is that true? I do it a little drive-by oh man

spk_0 this happens a lot. Did it? Are you sure you don't want anything? No I mean the

spk_0 worst thing they get a frosty out of it and everybody's happy right? Okay but

spk_0 seriously though like what's the limit like when do you decide Jimmy Carving?

spk_0 I want to jump in on this. Well yeah I mean the fat-shaming thing I mean if

spk_0 you come on lighten up. Do you not like a larger lady? There's more cushion

spk_0 to the cushion. That's something. Honestly it's I have a air mattress

spk_0 topper and if they're bigger than me we just fall in there like a black hole

spk_0 just oh this is an insecurity thing is what this is. No I just want to be able to

spk_0 fuck honestly. I can't fuck when I'm in a black hole. Maybe stop wearing shorts. You're a grown man.

spk_0 Okay it's harder here. I'm solid advice I would say. Solving for comfort I see. I like the

spk_0 Epstein Island thing you know. Thank you. It was good. It was good. How did you break your

spk_0 nose when you were younger? Fuck. I'm gonna guess it was a fat go. Yeah yeah and I'm gonna

spk_0 guess that though there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's that go to their

spk_0 friends afterwards and go yeah this fucking guy at a real crooked nose it was

spk_0 weird it was like staring at his face it looked good in the pictures because of the

spk_0 angles but then but then when he was when we were at Wendy's eating our bacon

spk_0 aiders together with red banner across the restaurant problem. I couldn't help but to

spk_0 notice that his nose was crooked as all shit it was all I could pay attention to and think of

spk_0 so basketball accident or something. It's I gotta tell you it's the worst time for you

spk_0 got to crooked nose right now. Right now you've never been told this before. Never. Oh my god

spk_0 you've never been photographed before. Must be the angle of your mirror man. I guess

spk_0 really here's what happened to his mustache. Fuck. Fuck. What do you do for work Justin?

spk_0 This is I'm a pool guy. Clean pool. Clean pools. Alright fat girls huh? Yeah. Catch some

spk_0 whales in that net with your little shark fin nose. Fuck man. Yeah dude it's crooked as a mother

spk_0 fucker dude. Yeah. Just you're on the online dating apps I'm not really an

spk_0 aficionado of such things but how do you describe your body time? I'm I'm finding out right now

spk_0 probably wrong and I should have put in the crooked nose part now. But what

spk_0 is the least of your worries is it fuck oh my god. I'm talking more about the what are you with

spk_0 like a beacup right. Yeah he has him pushed up a little bit tonight. What do you

spk_0 have in your bio on your dating app? Um honestly I I don't online date anymore. Oh

spk_0 a little joke. Oh okay. And cooking it and loving getting roasted by you guys for it so it's great.

spk_0 I love it. Oh you'll be alright. I'll be good yeah. We love you. We still love you.

spk_0 Do you do any pool material? There's got to be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools.

spk_0 I mean there's there isn't like I've been how I've been diving into like where I write my jokes

spk_0 has been like piece by piece and I haven't kind of got there yet honestly. Can I ask a question?

spk_0 Yes absolutely. It's about half of everyone. Is there really a chemical that turns a different

spk_0 color if you pee in the pool? Yeah. No no. That doesn't exist. That's no. Because I know I sometimes

spk_0 I pee in the pool and that's not really an issue but sometimes I pee into the pool.

spk_0 That's the problem. Yeah. You get upset with that. Right of course. There's this flashback.

spk_0 There's no chemical so unless they can't chew, dick in it. Right absolutely. Yeah.

spk_0 I have a poll question. I heard I when he smelled chlorine I always thought wow they just

spk_0 changed the water or whatever. I heard that's the actual smell of pee in the pool. No.

spk_0 When you smell it that's a dead I could answer that. The dead. Well the dead chlorine that

spk_0 that's made kills. Right so that's right. Oh I get I mean if you if you're just pee in the pool

spk_0 that's all you got then yeah. No. No smell of dead chlorine that means they're killed up.

spk_0 No no no that's not what that means. Well this is if I put chlorine if you put chlorine in the pool

spk_0 it smells like chlorine doesn't mean someone pissed chlorine smells like chlorine. That's what I

spk_0 thought of. Piss smells like piss. I heard it. So many told me. You should write some

spk_0 pool shits. Science everybody. Right. You got fucking Anthony Fauci over here trying to

spk_0 trying to fudge the number. Our study show that our study show that if you smell chlorine it's

spk_0 actually piss. By our own research done by the pharmaceutical companies themselves. All right.

spk_0 Justin what's the what is the craziest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool? Oh I found two

spk_0 baby deers. Wow. I thought thank god you said deers because I just thought you were going to

spk_0 end with two babies. It was going to be the same thing you just okay. How big were the deers?

spk_0 I mean around Christmas time was it perhaps. Well no I was just after like a gnarly rainstorm so the

spk_0 pool got super high and they couldn't tell when it was nighttime they just walked in there. The pool

spk_0 got high right yeah it's got super like the pool went up the water level of the water. Yeah well

spk_0 no the water level kind of just went level and they couldn't tell it went level right you know

spk_0 like a pool right so okay trying to reel all the way. Red bands trying to prove to me that the

spk_0 smell of chlorine is actually going pee. He's asking AI and showing me but the question he asks is

spk_0 smell of chlorine is actually pee. When you ask in a certain way it's going to be like well yes

spk_0 is the sharp pool smell is not pure chlorine but rather chloramines a product created when chlorine

spk_0 reacts with the nitrogen containing substances found in urine sweat another bodily fluids high

spk_0 levels of these get your cigarette away from me high levels of these chloramines indicate that

spk_0 there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up

spk_0 fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria. What does this have to bottom

spk_0 man no fat chicks who wrote it is amazing there's also a postmates order that's half way filled

spk_0 the shopping cart is still just into my oh congratulations you're leaving here also with a

spk_0 medium joké congratulations there he goes just into my oh wait in gentlemen. On to the next one

spk_0 we go ladies and gentlemen your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Vesquez everyone Jesse

spk_0 Vesquez. Hello everybody what's going on all right what Kiltoni hi all right AR 15 bullet proof

spk_0 vest pistol and bullets what do we call those school supplies all right all right all right thank you

spk_0 thank you all right speaking his shootings we lost Charlie Clark recently I never met the guy but

spk_0 I hear he's a real pain in the neck oh I'm sorry guys I'm sorry I figure if I bomb hard enough

spk_0 trouble tweet about it all right all right all right I get told I look like I'm gonna kill somebody

spk_0 a lot I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries

spk_0 who I'm nervous as fuck guys appreciate it all right all right all right um

spk_0 I already said that all right how do you come on a senator you feel a bust of nut honor no all right

spk_0 all right I'm thinking of having a not-time seminar for suicides survivors second times a charm

spk_0 right no too dark all right guys all right last thing real quick

spk_0 most girls no they're stopping you there Jesse I'm gonna jump in too yeah that's enough hi Jesse have

spk_0 you ever done stand-up before yes I have I'm nervous as fuck Tony okay why why are you

spk_0 extra nervous right now I'm like Kiltoni right I'd be performing a prank of maybe about 15

spk_0 people's the most of why okay how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy you memorize none

spk_0 of your jokes you're not even good at reading your jokes off of the paper that you prepared like

spk_0 literally anybody could do what you just did yes they can especially making fun of Charlie Clark

spk_0 most famous guy in the world right now you got his name 50% correct

spk_0 let's fuck it up my bad yeah you fucked it all up buddy yes I fucked it all up so again how

spk_0 long how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy uh been in Austin for about two months

spk_0 I'd say maybe twice a week so far twice a week yeah okay yes sir how's it been going do you

spk_0 always pretty good right off the paper like that oh no I don't I just I wrote it down I

spk_0 fucking I knew I was gonna blank soon as I got up here man what do you do take a guess I bet

spk_0 you get it on the first shot I bet I don't fuck all right I do delivery drivers I do delivery I'm

spk_0 as delivery I do door dash okay I do security at ACL next month how old are you 36 and why is it

spk_0 that you're just delivering things so what if you're not got anything prison okay let's talk about

spk_0 it why'd you get a prison so now I'll engage yeah yeah yeah obviously I went to prison I'm

spk_0 pretty she all can tell this is what you're good at talking about look how different his body

spk_0 language is okay here we go all right starts moving the nervousness is gone I feel like this is

spk_0 your thing you're the prison guy tell us about take it yeah well first time I went to prison

spk_0 here and a half for weed okay it's about a hundred pounds of weed and then the second the second

spk_0 hundred pounds of weed that's a me's worth of weed that's just one time there's a 33 pounds

spk_0 and another time with 40 pounds oh my goodness you got 33 and 40 and that's a hundred no no no

spk_0 three separate times 100 you have more extra pounds than just into my own dates

spk_0 and then the second time I got caught well it was a conspiracy it was 57 illegals

spk_0 uh what we're being transported keep going uh go ahead I rented the guy the U-Haul that

spk_0 took a bunch of illegals somewhere and ran into the guy rented you rented the guy the U-Haul

spk_0 I heard that you whole had that business yes don't they rent the U-Haul's I rented it for him

spk_0 you rented it for him through you huh okay and then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back

spk_0 and then it sounds very much like you with a guy yeah it really does I don't want to give you a

spk_0 hard time I got receipts so how much did the guy pay you to rent the car for them to run this

spk_0 extremely illegal operation how much money did you have 1500 bucks 1500 bucks and how long did

spk_0 you do in jail three and a half years oh for shit hey 1500 bucks what's there it's like an

spk_0 iPhone yeah three and a half years and those are the two times those are the only two times you've

spk_0 been to jail to prison okay I've been to jail lots of times okay tell us about some of the time

spk_0 guy caught with small amount smaller amounts of marijuana uh pretty much it okay a lot of

spk_0 wea tickets at any point when you were in jail was marijuana legalized in America no that must be

spk_0 in annoying but there was plenty of marijuana in the jail so that helps was it all in Texas all

spk_0 these things yes sir okay Jesse do you know what a fall guy is me yeah see how he knows the terminology

spk_0 he knows only when you look at your face I could tell the guys were like yes he's gonna take the hit

spk_0 for sure oh yeah this guy definitely gets busted 100% yeah Jesse I get what was it like in prison tell

spk_0 us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive would you make a little like case

spk_0 adiata Doritos like crumbled up crumb cakes or something it's funny that you say that Tony that

spk_0 happens a lot in there uh actually uh would just buy like I had my own store just buy shit and resell

spk_0 it with stamps stamps his money in prison guys dollar stamps oh okay yeah so you walk around with

spk_0 a fat stack of stamps he there was shove a bunch of stamps up my ass for if I ever get sent to prison

spk_0 yeah stampos dot com I gotta say something I said this to the the other guy too your material should

spk_0 be about prison yeah I mean every such a wealth of like like it's not relatable but it's

spk_0 fun to hear it'll be fun yeah yeah I want to know like did you were you were you a bitch were you a

spk_0 god oh you it was a bitch well I got I got kind of lucky that I'm not I was a good looking guy huh

spk_0 keep going keep going keep answering your question go ahead I feel like I just look scary I get

spk_0 told like I'm serious about that who people come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill

spk_0 people but why would you go say that to somebody yeah no it's true it kind of makes you want to

spk_0 kill somebody doesn't it exactly thank you but you would never people that have been a prison

spk_0 multiple times never do it never never but yeah you do have the eyes of the last person someone sees

spk_0 without a doubt the trunk opens for just a moment you see those eyes and then it's just darkness

spk_0 he's got a tattoo that says please stop don't I feel like yeah he's looking me you don't know if

spk_0 I'm gonna fuck you or I'm gonna kill you either way I'm coming yeah okay very good see there's a

spk_0 good one all right there you got Jesse I feel like it's a quite it's definitely both and it's what

spk_0 order oh yeah well I personally I hope he kills me first the the other part of that is that he does

spk_0 whatever he's gonna do I think we're all in agreement you should write a set about being in prison

spk_0 yes sir interesting thing no doubt about I will the edgy jokes you've got to be so fucking good

spk_0 at comedy before you take on material that's that heavy yes sir don't do it until you're ready to do

spk_0 it yeah the squeeze has to the juice has to be worth the squeeze right got you got nothing there leave

spk_0 that stuff alone just talk about you first person yeah oh yeah no doubt about it let me ask you this

spk_0 did anyone ever try to rape you in prison no no with any close calls no no okay so did you just use

spk_0 your imagination and like masturbate they're like what did you do oh they got plenty of well so

spk_0 there's guys in there okay I'm sure can off to a stamped George watch yeah I'm more like

spk_0 paper handling can I write it's just dudes hot it's it's kind of neat because so there's people that

spk_0 have been in there for a long time I met a guy that went into prison the month I was born and

spk_0 just saying that because right then come on anyway he go to me he's done yeah

spk_0 yeah there's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons because they don't allow porn anymore but they used to

spk_0 so there's a lot of like 80s and 90s like you know magazines and shit like that so you get

spk_0 little blast from the past you know hell yeah yeah not the first time you've seen a hundred pounds of

spk_0 bush were you were you bummed were you bummed that you never got picked that no one ever got

spk_0 picked I got picked on Kyoto and can't get picked no you get bummed that no one in prison wanted

spk_0 were you bummed well did that kind of it's like everybody wants it you don't want to be

spk_0 you know I'll take what I can get all right well good news what you're getting is the size of a

spk_0 stamp a little chubbub there you go buddy if you only cop books as well as you catch charges yes

spk_0 there he goes Jesse Vazquez ladies and gentlemen oh my goodness we're having fun some very

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spk_0 but great interviews make some noise fear next one it's Paul Ramirez everybody

spk_0 fuck a whole number four

spk_0 so I just got told I look like a Pokemon trainer the fentanyl addiction

spk_0 oh yeah dude I suck the Pikachu so the dick you know all right that sucked

spk_0 um oh yeah I just graduated high school about a year ago today and I found out in the news I'm

spk_0 an old high school teacher he got arrested for training a's and change for sex which was a news

spk_0 to me because I was a straight a student back in high school he taught me a valuable lesson though

spk_0 one blessing Tommy was at sometimes in life he got a give head to get ahead you know

spk_0 high school was weird for me I went to high school during the era of school shootings you know

spk_0 and my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings my school came up with a program

spk_0 where we'd be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot up the school you know

spk_0 which benefited me because it made me Mr. popular back in high school

spk_0 I don't know why I was gonna shoot the school I was too busy stuck in my teacher off you know

spk_0 thank you Paul Ramirez with his kill Tony debut

spk_0 how are you Paul scared what scared how old are you Paul oh my bad 22

spk_0 what did you think I said how are you oh I love it okay and you were in high school until you were

spk_0 21 why how how did this happen Paul oh no I'm gay all right okay what did that have to do with it

spk_0 I don't know man okay I ran out of things to say it's okay Paul just think of the real answers you

spk_0 don't have to like have a joke prepared for everything this is trying to hard we're so don't do

spk_0 that just answer answer honestly Paul you're doing good buddy don't worry you're panicking I am it's

spk_0 okay Paul close your eyes Paul yeah think no click keep your eyes closed close your eyes Paul close

spk_0 your eyes okay trust us remember who you are know who you are your Paul you came here tonight

spk_0 with some pretty good jokes they did pretty good huh Paul do you feel good yeah now open your eyes

spk_0 here we are Paul welcome to kill Tony yeah yeah

spk_0 Ramirez free from Paul oh pass uh okay how long have you been in Austin two days I love it how

spk_0 long you staying for I leave tomorrow okay and what else have you what else are your plans in

spk_0 Austin or what have you done since being here I drink a bunch of beer at the hotel room okay today

spk_0 is that today yeah all right how many beers did you have like four oh my goodness four beers

spk_0 yeah do you have any drinks at the bar next door no it's too expensive okay it's like 20 bucks for

spk_0 two drinks well where did you get the four beers at your hotel room oh circle okay okay how many

spk_0 beers did you buy four about 12 pack by split up between my friends okay you're staying in a hotel

spk_0 with friends yeah how many guys are in this hotel room oh dude like three and one girl wow amazing

spk_0 two beds yeah I sleep on the floor okay wow kind of odd to be a gay guy that sleeps on a floor with

spk_0 a bunch of dudes yeah man it's fucking sick I creep up on them at night oh yeah all right that poor

spk_0 girl yeah exactly nah she just watches all right Paul like I said that poor girl yeah uh

spk_0 what do you do for work in El Paso landscaping I'm a spick wow all right Paul close your eyes again

spk_0 dude good god take it easy Paul yeah oh my god wild boy Paul bad boy Paul how long do you mean stand up

spk_0 I hit four years yesterday wow so you really did start when you were 18 yeah okay then you're

spk_0 just still doing the high school joke because that's the one you're you yeah it's my best shit yeah okay

spk_0 everything else is shit yeah I'm gonna get you it is good yeah it's good you like good I think it

spk_0 was a good little run of joke be I'm being genuine it was a great little shit yeah good yeah the good

spk_0 it was really good it all tied together was very good thank you man yeah I like your shit yeah thank you

spk_0 I think you're no this guy's the fucking man yeah I was gonna say I love I love I think you're

spk_0 fucking love your Paul your material is you seem naturally funny when you don't try to just

spk_0 immediately go like oh I'm gay or blah blah blah blah yeah I got scared my bad okay it's all right

spk_0 you're comfortable now take your hands out of your pockets relax a little bit Paul uh

spk_0 what's your family like you have a big family uh my mom's fat wow

spk_0 why do you think your mom's fat we got a bucket pull for her I'm sorry why do you think your

spk_0 mom's so fat what did I I saw her right but but why what do you think she's doing to be fat

spk_0 yeah did you not exactly the answer I was looking for by the way I bet

spk_0 was asking you something she eats or something like that Jimmy Cargo

spk_0 did you fat mom ever fuck the pool guy now we don't have a pool just dirt

spk_0 well I live in El Paso it's true no pools in El Paso no there's pools in El Paso we just

spk_0 don't got one we got grass yeah you seem terrific I love you man yeah you seem just kind of

spk_0 terrific but I think that thing about going so you're a gay guy very straight acting right

spk_0 uh I'm not straight no no but you that was my bad so that thing of like going when when did you

spk_0 come out Jesus huh when did you come out 2003 oh oh as gay

spk_0 he answers questions in such an odd way what did you eat for breakfast while I eat

spk_0 everything for breakfast that I've ever tried for every breakfast yeah but it was literal he said

spk_0 when did you come out as gay he said 2003 when he was born into the world that's the that's the

spk_0 last vagina he was it yeah that's right that's right never again he said never again yuck

spk_0 are you really gay is this a bit or not dude I just say that when I'm nervous okay

spk_0 Jesus I hope this guy never goes to prison yeah

spk_0 haha

spk_0 I was just another

spk_0 wow unbelievable I think there's something of the belouches about his eyes yeah

spk_0 something about your eyes that's very belouchy and I mean that in a you're kind of adorable

spk_0 thank you kind of adorable right he's very likable yeah yeah yeah I like him no doubt about it

spk_0 oh yeah still doing jokes about how you was in high school a year ago it's incredible I'm gay

spk_0 there you go catch phrase ladies and gentlemen that's never gonna get old yeah I like sweet

spk_0 put it on merch yeah merch it says I'm gay no I have merch about my mom's cock

spk_0 your mom has a cock I hope so okie dokie again some people bad minutes good interviews some people

spk_0 good minutes bad interviews the good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book

spk_0 there you go Paul Ramirez wow amazing let's get through another one here mix my sphere

spk_0 next bucket poll who seems to be the first non latino of the night four in a row these people

spk_0 thank you Joe Biden for letting these people in all right mix my sphere first and on

spk_0 latino bucket poll the night Chris rees everybody Chris rees oh he might be latino too

spk_0 Chris rees everyone I hate the disappoint you guys what I am half Mexican

spk_0 huh I just got born with that white skin thank god

spk_0 staying in this country

spk_0 been going through a rough patch sexually sir so your relationship pisses me off

spk_0 I have I've been going through a rough patch actually so naturally I have to get really good at

spk_0 masturbating yeah you good at masturbating Asian man are you good at masturbating how do you masturbate

spk_0 just two chopsticks on the shaft up and down no I'm not really good I got a really good method

spk_0 for masturbating I go my phone my text all my contacts I'm gonna kill myself shove it up my

spk_0 ass to ignore the calls while I jerk off yeah fuck yeah my mom's frantically calling and I'm ignoring her

spk_0 there you go okay Chris rees honestly after seeing that I'm really surprised people are trying

spk_0 to stop you from killing yourself yeah the crowd work on the Asian man and then straight into a

spk_0 vibrating phone up your ass welcome back Chris it's been a while yes sir hell yeah how long you

spk_0 been doing stand up now eight years eight years and what do you do for work again uh I've been

spk_0 recently I've been I built circuit boards okay yeah this guy's my manager this is all right that

spk_0 okay then I'm right not good enough yeah not good enough I don't know if you've seen Bobby leave

spk_0 but he's used to Asian as all fuck all so you're not registering is 50% he's used to fucking

spk_0 yeah I'm full dude I built circuit boards okay yeah what do you do for fun what do I do for fun

spk_0 uh mainly I just watch a lot of horror movies while I'm not doing stand up I uh I do coloring

spk_0 books yeah horror movies and coloring books amazing like spaghetti and meatballs they go together yeah

spk_0 so favorite coloring book favorite horror movie favorite coloring book favorite horror movie yeah

spk_0 uh favorite horror movie the thing the original uh the 80s one yeah that's the original no there's

spk_0 one from the 50s whoa whoa whoa okay don't come at me with that shit no I love I love that coloring

spk_0 book uh it's a horror it's called like dark arts like really detailed stuff like horror stuff okay the

spk_0 original one uh wow I I just on behalf of everyone that you went to high school with thank you for not

spk_0 shooting the place uh yep with insulin am I right Chris how is your health when's the last time

spk_0 you've seen a doctor last time I saw a doctor I must have been 12 amazing so I'm assuming it's fine

spk_0 huh huh huh this rough patch that you're in dating wise uh what exactly do you mean how is it

spk_0 in real life is it true uh dating like a serious relationships uh yes I don't do that but when it

spk_0 comes to like fucking women that look like me yeah I'm crushing it is there been yeah has there

spk_0 been a guy is there been a guy that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you

spk_0 a guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off yeah he's not there

spk_0 have you used that joke on stage fucking women look like me uh yeah like once keep that in thank you

spk_0 that's a very good joke yeah yeah with that hair and that face and those tits it'll work every time

spk_0 oh yeah it's amazing Chris what's the most type of exercise type of thing that you do the stairway

spk_0 up counts as an answer the most exercise I do yeah like uh I walked to 7 11 what do you get from 7 11

spk_0 after you put in the hard work of walking there to ketos yeah yeah I walk him off going back home

spk_0 to ketos no no you don't no you do not you're right I'm lying I take me over back

spk_0 yeah amazing can I cut your hair off no no it's kind of my thing now you want to give me a haircut

spk_0 during the show yeah I cut some other guys fucking hair off oh yeah you want to donate your

spk_0 shittick sick kids or you're gonna be a bad guy do I want to donate my hair to sick kids of course

spk_0 not yeah okay I'm gonna know which ones to stay away from he is a sick kid he needs it he's gonna

spk_0 end up getting the Puerto Rican smash an axe take it up a gear and circumcise him let's do it

spk_0 you want your little tequila no I didn't I didn't understand his accent

spk_0 I don't have an accent this is how things sound when they pronounce properly

spk_0 Chris here he goes you have any special skills or talents or anything like that other than stand-up

spk_0 comedy you good at anything I'm a real fuck I'm really good at coloring books wow I think we

spk_0 all are except for demadness no I did they have like braille coloring but I guess it would be stupid

spk_0 right because you're like which one's fucking red I am right okay thank you my audit skill is

spk_0 my audit skill is I'm really good at guessing like the twist the movies oh yeah so just really

spk_0 useless shit right what's a movie that really surprised you what do you think the best twist in movie

spk_0 history is best twist in movie history yeah you seem like a big fan of the oompa loompa is being

spk_0 good guys or something oh are they good guys yeah it's a movie called Severance that has a really good

spk_0 twist no none of you guys know it but this is a really good twist watch it yeah it's kind of like

spk_0 the original thing from the 50 yeah cool all right what joke book did you get last time you were on

spk_0 Chris the big one well there you go oh did you fill it up yet there you go keep working Chris keep

spk_0 working ladies and gentlemen this is one of those special moments that you're never gonna forget

spk_0 for as long as you live because you are at killtoni and I'm about to bring to the stage one of the

spk_0 greatest regulars in the history of the show we've dealt with nothing but latino bucket pools all

spk_0 night and the neurotic jujaxa but everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute king of

spk_0 Europe the Estonian assassin so I just found out that in chess you know chess

spk_0 in chess they have a separate league for women why in basketball it makes sense I'm gonna

spk_0 jump over you in boxing I get it I can just fuck but in chess too huh

spk_0 so you're telling me it's official you guys are stupid too huh

spk_0 ha ha ha don't worry honey cheeks I looked into it it has nothing to do with intelligence

spk_0 just that the rules are a bit different no difficult buttons no bishops no knights as a matter of

spk_0 fact women close your ears for a second ice they're just playing checkers

spk_0 you know in the late 90s Gary Kasparov the greatest chess player over all time lost to a computer

spk_0 big development in civilization history with women and happened in 1973 you guys lost to a microwave

spk_0 that's my time thank you sorry Maddie showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pool

spk_0 and a golden ticket winner an absolute fucking that's that's hilarious the last one was kind of

spk_0 stupid I don't know why I said that that's so funny I stopped at the checkers part I think you

spk_0 had something that I would go to trends next oh I would go to try women in sports I think you

spk_0 could be a chess champion you're a wig away yes you're a genius a wig away a wig away a wig away a wig away

spk_0 I love it so Ari that was an amazing amazing fucking amazing minute 12 seconds what else is going on

spk_0 in life it's good to see you back you've been gone for a while we have missed you tremendously yeah thank

spk_0 you so much I mean I did some gigs it was amazing I did some I did Philadelphia Portland I did Vancouver

spk_0 with you I did Irvine improv amazing so much fun people are actually coming out it's always one

spk_0 step ahead of ice always one step ahead of ice don't bring it up Jimmy what are your favorite

spk_0 cities that you've been to what do you love about no portland was awesome yeah I love their homeless

spk_0 you know yeah they have like the cool like because here it's like they're on crack or some shit you

spk_0 know we got yeah yeah are there in Portland they got this guy you know this guy zombie yeah just so peaceful

spk_0 dude they suck out fat now it's like an interactive walking dead experience but they're so peaceful I

spk_0 put like an astray on one of them they took the jobs of mimes that's why you don't see mimes anymore

spk_0 these motherfuckers are still I love it I love it and how about Philly what was Philly like Philly yeah

spk_0 there are animals there it's great yeah half of the room got thrown out there in the show because they

spk_0 just keep fucking boozing and cruising yep they are party people there it was awesome yeah yeah a

spk_0 woman tried to fight me after the show is great ooh what was she mad about the check I didn't even get

spk_0 it I hit her before I could find out I'm an old school guy you are the man are you maddie you

spk_0 are the you know you know in Estonia if you hit your wife the cops show up and they go well

spk_0 what did you though

spk_0 oh

spk_0 and how was Los Angeles you were in LA last week for a long week dude I was in I was on the road in

spk_0 California with Martin Phillips too shit got we got hit by a earthquake dude wow I love I love

spk_0 the road stories of you I know dude I know do Phillips him never been in an earthquake I'm freaking

spk_0 the fuck out I look over at Martin Phillips he's standing perfectly still

spk_0 he's synced up

spk_0 turns out the way Martin isn't too shaky the world is too still

spk_0 the great arey mat unbelievable unbelievable and he does the driving when you guys are on the

spk_0 road yeah I don't have a driver's license it's crazy when we get pulled over we have David

spk_0 Jolly sleeping in the back me on the passenger seat Martin's fill it Martin is driving dude when the cops

spk_0 pull us over they don't know what the fuck is going on they just keep let us go on but Martin is

spk_0 the best to drive it because he can park it's fucking clunk clunk anywhere we don't give a fuck

spk_0 I love when he's looking for a parking spot I'm like Martin look at you go in the mall

spk_0 no one's gonna say shit Martin

spk_0 I was gonna I was looking for a spot I

spk_0 oh

spk_0 Holy shit

spk_0 you know the impressions great because de madness just started freaking out when you did that

spk_0 that was fucking amazing you he's the master judge at vocal impressions

spk_0 there you fucking say you got my ass

spk_0 sound like that motherfucker

spk_0 like a bitterly doop doop doop doop doop

spk_0 wow and you got to go to the old motherland the old homeland of ours the comedy store

spk_0 yeah it's in which we all are always we could just roll right back in there if we wanted to

spk_0 at any point just take it back over but we like it here in Austin just a reminder

spk_0 and then here you are thriving what was the comedy store like for you going oh yeah it's so

spk_0 crazy dude it's such a historic place yeah everyone's so nice there yeah you did a lot of shows

spk_0 yeah you got passed immediately right I don't think I'm passed no but I do get on stage there

spk_0 and I'm grateful for that too they just let you do spots everywhere yeah they actually called it

spk_0 official yeah yeah yeah I mean to be on that wall that's a dream but yeah I'll get to it when I

spk_0 get to it absolutely I'm working a lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall yeah

spk_0 and then fucking whoo can't better son honest and all that that's crazy yeah holy fuck's happening

spk_0 although so you know he's not allowed to say the n-word right like they're gonna be the n-word

spk_0 he's gonna sound like a truck packing up you know I'm saying no doubt about it no doubt about it

spk_0 ham's gonna be on fucking weekend update and it's just gonna fucking it's just gonna

spk_0 74 seconds to live yeah not a second too soon by the way same soundboard for 12 and a half years

spk_0 he's just standing oh god where is it again there's five pages of sound effects 23

spk_0 it's number 23 all right are you're fucking unbelievable you came in and shook the room thank you

spk_0 kill Tony friends you guys are the best are you Matti ladies and gentlemen the Estonian assassin has

spk_0 done it yet again and now back to the bucket we go somebody's got to follow that make some noise

spk_0 for your next bucket bull ladies and gentlemen it is Aaron West to make some noise for Aaron

spk_0 everyone the opportunity of a lifetime to Aaron West howdy howdy hey thanks you know maybe it's

spk_0 true what they say maybe mimos do no best today my mimos said you're going out in that jacket

spk_0 it looks like a giant hairless ball sack speaking of ball sacks do you guys eat it all of garden

spk_0 often now folks the menu at all of garden says take a tour of Italy wow who knew you could take

spk_0 a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont Texas now folks it's easy to know if you're

spk_0 server at the olive garden is into incest when they say things like when you're here

spk_0 right here your family hey olive garden how the fuck you're gonna have unlimited soup and then

spk_0 unlimited amount of bathroom stalls you're on a yes I might have dropped a canole in the urinal

spk_0 not because I wanted to but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour

spk_0 you guys you guys like chewy's text mix well guess what they just got their asses bought out

spk_0 by olive garden which means I'm gonna need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit mimo come on

spk_0 say d say incest waiter all right Aaron West pushing it to the limit with shitting your pants jokes

spk_0 hell yeah Aaron you've been on this show before right I have welcome over at the Vulcan

spk_0 yeah welcome back yeah remind us all how long you've been doing stand up I've uh

spk_0 jack it off you already did the ball section yeah make yourself it on out there totally totally work

spk_0 that were it all day waiting for yeah not one outside keep calm now I've been doing comedy um I

spk_0 haven't for eight years but this is my third time performing in eight years wow quite the work

spk_0 ethic yeah take a lot of time off yeah this is yeah okay yeah Jimmy I kind of I thought um terrible

spk_0 material yes yeah fucking incredible performance yeah like your confidence your thing like I don't

spk_0 know what you're good at but there's something there and it's very special I could something very

spk_0 special I couldn't agree more I mean it is unbelievable you seem like I'm interested in what you

spk_0 have to say you're saying it in a kind of funny way but again the writing absolutely unbelievable how

spk_0 do mima all of garden tore vitally shitting in a year and all and whatever the chauese thing was at

spk_0 the end with no transition or segue you guys in the chauese text mix anyone out of nowhere but like

spk_0 again do you do try to write because like all of garden tore vitally it's kind of like bright it's a

spk_0 thing yeah I don't know I guess I just I write what I know and I I eat a whole lot of all of

spk_0 time that's a funny shit you said about that that's fucking that's very funny yeah I don't know I

spk_0 think I think you're a comedic actor I think you've got a face you've got a look there's every just

spk_0 when you walked out I felt like okay this guy knows what he's doing I think you're very funny

spk_0 thanks but I think it's like someone else is writing I think you could bring it to life I think

spk_0 you really got something and maybe maybe it's not standard maybe it's sketch maybe it's something

spk_0 else but there's something very special about you I really enjoyed it thanks yeah you're great

spk_0 I did bring it up last time I don't know if it but yeah no I'm and I'm 4.5 years sober so like

spk_0 doing comedy sober this is my this is my third time ever doing it sober so it is like really shaky

spk_0 I was back there like holding a water but as opposed to the other like don't be overly serious about

spk_0 uh but you seem so confident walking out nice you seem like just you kind of own the stage you've

spk_0 got great presence but it's that thing of like some people maybe you need to walk with some riders maybe

spk_0 you need to walk some other people cool what just like there's such a great community around Austin you'll

spk_0 find there's such fucking funny people around here yeah find team up with someone right with someone

spk_0 that's a great idea no doubt about it definitely whatever it takes to write differently than what

spk_0 you wrote tonight okay what made you have to get sober four years ago what was your problem uh

spk_0 coca-cated alcohol okay and uh is that is that a good make he's done it you and me both the

spk_0 wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol uh what bottom was like for you well I um yeah I

spk_0 I showed up well no okay I called out of work and I waked up at 5 p.m. and I called my work and

spk_0 I like oh my god I'm so sorry I'd worked there for years I'd never you know had any issue with

spk_0 attendance and my boss goes yeah no nuts uh you already came in today and uh had you clocked in we

spk_0 would have fucking fired you but uh you were on the line trying to cook something and so we just

spk_0 told you to get lost um yeah I mean I was a waiter like there's no fucking reason I should have been

spk_0 on the line in the first place my back to like wow at the olive garden no I'm just a big fan one day

spk_0 I'll work my way up if they'll have me oh wait a second see you were so fucked up that you went into

spk_0 work this is a night shift oh no no I'm like solely a morning uh restaurant worker so it was

spk_0 breakfast yeah okay at the brewery I worked at and so you exclusively weighted tables at this brewery

spk_0 on an almost daily basis and one day you went in so fucked up so fucked up you went and just

spk_0 started cooking random shit yeah did they tell you what you were cooking do you remember what you

spk_0 were cooking do you remember any of it I don't remember any I mean I literally woke up at 5 30

spk_0 was like oh my god I was supposed to be there at 10 10 30 Jimmy Carr with the genius of getting

spk_0 home going up at a phone in sick and then you'd already been to work yeah it's how is that not

spk_0 you're fucking stand up hey that's amazing it's so true people need to talk about their real

spk_0 lives what they actually know the honesty shines through you can feel it so what time of the day

spk_0 did you call in for that ship that they already basically told you to go home like 5 30 PM yeah

spk_0 wow seven hours into my shift yeah fucking up cruising amazing how did you call your drug dealer

spk_0 afterwards ago that was that was excellent stuff yeah is there any feedback that you give them

spk_0 and go look honestly that's some of the best no no I I well I kept I kept partying for a few years

spk_0 and I didn't lose that job I mean I've actually never been fired from a job um I've walked out

spk_0 of a job it was actually on on six street here it's kind of yeah tell us about that you don't have

spk_0 to name the place if you don't want to but just good tell us I don't really care for them um

spk_0 yeah it's uh okay I'll it rhymes with it doesn't move doesn't matter it's a good story the place

spk_0 that makes bread okay perfect just how the fight story and um yeah so I just didn't enjoy working

spk_0 there and mid shift they kept every time it would like start raining I didn't have this jacket

spk_0 at the time when it would start raining um they would move me to the patio and when it was nice

spk_0 whether they'd move me inside and they kept like doing this shit to me so I wasn't making any money

spk_0 and this is a place where you did side work until it was like done but we didn't close to 2 AM

spk_0 and as restaurants work like hey more silver work comes out more silver work comes out so you're

spk_0 like doing all the side work doing all the shit and so mid shift the manager was like hey uh we're

spk_0 gonna change your section I said yeah I know I quit and she was like what is that I got my section

spk_0 is gonna change because I quit like I'm done and um yeah that was it I just I left mid shift and

spk_0 I've never done that anywhere like I didn't feel great about it but I was like fresh out of rehab and

spk_0 uh didn't want to be fucked around with stand your ground good on you yeah I was once dealing with

spk_0 such a bad hangover one evening that I asked you to specifically tell that story so I mean I think

spk_0 I think I actually just hit bottom right now listen to you talk about finishing your side work I was

spk_0 so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of I thought it was gonna be a big

spk_0 koki alcohol infused ending but just no you just we're done that day but me mom I think

spk_0 Motoni's trying to say as you need a story with a dead hooker in it uh yeah read the room uh you

spk_0 have a girlfriend Aaron I do okay what does she do uh she works at a like homeopathic uh

spk_0 a doctor's office adorable yeah it's awesome you have any special moves in the bedroom

spk_0 well I don't get drunk anymore so my dick works wow um you a morning sex guy or more of a night time

spk_0 guy mid afternoon whoa okay post lunch I rockets in flight cup cup of coffee and then lunch or what

spk_0 well because I get up at I get up at 6 30 I still do the breakfast restaurant thing so like I'm

spk_0 already ready to go and then I have to wait on you work talking to these knuckleheads and then I can

spk_0 have sex wow my section changed okay all right what size joke book did you get last time

spk_0 I got a large okay well you go go go fill it up nice ladies and gentlemen Aaron West all right

spk_0 thanks on to the next one is the great Jay Z1 said makes some noise for Mason bird here we go

spk_0 no rest for the wicked it's Mason bird ladies and gentlemen it's Mason bird I uh I got an

spk_0 alive scooter the other day and I drove like two or three feet in the bike stop so I checked the app

spk_0 and it was like hey just so you know only one rider per scooter please

spk_0 has anyone ever had to press a button to confirm they were an individual I know the exact

spk_0 moment I needed to stop riding the bike I drove by a black woman she was like oh hell no she was

spk_0 I uh I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa like the most famous painting of all time and when

spk_0 I was there this career couple walked up to me they're like hey could you take a photo of us and

spk_0 I was like sure and I thought they want to take a photo like them in the Mona Lisa but they want

spk_0 to take a photo with me they're like this guy so fat white in American we have to show our friends

spk_0 back at home this I look like World War III propaganda there's photos of me in North Korea this is

spk_0 democracy this is freedom this is McDonald's this wow an amazing set from Mason bird holy shit that

spk_0 was incredible thank you thank you and you've been on this show before right yes sir amazing this

spk_0 had to be your best set ever thank you you're working hard right yes sir working hard absolutely

spk_0 and remind us how long you been on stand up three years three years how do you make money I work at

spk_0 Jersey mics oh yeah there it is making it bikes way there it is I'm big Mike I love it I love it

spk_0 what else you've been doing in life what's different what's changed I've been going to the gym

spk_0 in the sauna wow what are you doing at the gym just in weights and making attractive women uncomfortable

spk_0 oh my goodness wow yeah what are you doing to make them uncomfortable just existing oh yeah just

spk_0 divide and what kind of workouts are you doing what are you doing with these weights exactly I like

spk_0 to bench I like to squat I like to deadlift I like to like to go to the anger out

spk_0 yeah amazing yes I'm not a doctor but whatever you're doing in the gym you're doing it wrong

spk_0 is doing breadlifting what's your favorite machine in the gym is it vending

spk_0 the gatorades I like the blue gatorates hell yeah absolutely my goodness so what type of a protein

spk_0 package are you using before going to the gym or after I'll eat like a half a roast rotisserie chicken

spk_0 eat the other half after it's like a reward us have you talked to a doctor about this oh

spk_0 me a doctor's don't see eye to eye and a lot of things amazing amazing you're killing it you're

spk_0 doing it Mason you done that line on stage no write it down that's a fucking great line they

spk_0 tell us more about the bird family you're not built like a bird no um dad died so still the liver

spk_0 drank himself to death real sad um but you know he was a bit he was kind of a dick so wow um mom

spk_0 still alive um she was addicted to drugs for a long time as she cleaned up and uh what kind of

spk_0 drugs was she addicted to uh pills like yeah worked at Ford Motor Company I have it's all of them

spk_0 you know do you think that this family with its addiction issues do you think anything is trickle

spk_0 down to you do you find yourself addicted to anything at all possibly whatsoever is there anything

spk_0 you could think of that you might be addicted to a way that you treat your feelings and emotions

spk_0 with something calories uh yeah we're addicted to calories uh no it's yes it's probably this

spk_0 or alcoholism so you drink too no I'm afraid to become like my father uh there you go yeah

spk_0 absolutely yeah you don't want to die young uh well we'll see I got to beat 50 and the odds are

spk_0 hell yeah have you thought about the new modern weight loss drugs or anything if you thought about

spk_0 this yes I think it's cheating um like if you have to take those emphics to lose weight your bitch

spk_0 I think that's right if you just do it you'll do it you hear that you ozemic people if you

spk_0 add any balls you need a half a rotisserie chicken every day you fucking pussy's you think it's easy

spk_0 you cheaters go get a rotisserie chicken you fucking lose back in my day we didn't have ozemic you

spk_0 wanted to lose weight yet to get AIDS have you considered going to a gay bar because something needs

spk_0 to change they're all prepped now it's kind of hard to get AIDS from them you know I tried it's just

spk_0 are you gay Mason nope okay shut up somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head and

spk_0 someone you were so upset that you weren't gay son of a bitch fuck I for sure thought he was gay too

spk_0 a guy just stabbed himself with a heineken bottle I'm like oh

spk_0 Mason so what's your love life like exactly what's going on over there where you're picking them up at

spk_0 Jersey mics oh no way all right um I used to do surprisingly well but um the love life is in

spk_0 Austin it's been pretty rough I do I kill in the Midwest though for like hell yeah in the Midwest I'm hot

spk_0 yeah here I'm just a fat guy yeah in the Midwest you're a medium yeah so tell us about a fun time

spk_0 in the Midwest that you've had how does it go down for Mason bird tell us how the bird flies oh

spk_0 um it's a flight it's a lightless bird it's a forest

spk_0 the last time I had sex um I was I was like I was like a chef at a bar and I had a I had a knack

spk_0 for banging hot waitresses for some reason um and just after work she just like she had a boyfriend

spk_0 and she just threw herself at me and I found out I wasn't a good dude that night um I will cheat I

spk_0 will help your girlfriend cheat on you us I found that out about myself but no she was really fun

spk_0 do you go on top or is she still alive she's dead yeah our our safe word is

spk_0 wow Mason bird three years stand up how much time do you think you've accumulated

spk_0 uh what 20 minutes about 20 minutes yeah and how fast are you writing I mean are you dear you

spk_0 do you find yourself your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff I can tell

spk_0 yeah I uh I try to write like five minutes a week and sometimes it's really asked so I just

spk_0 get rid of it or try to make it better but 20 minutes of good material yeah amazing Mason yeah

spk_0 absolutely incredible you do that at a desk where do you find yourself writing how what's your

spk_0 process uh desk um desk and I'm usually just like eating chips and thinking us desk uh I have a

spk_0 planner I like lean back and stare at the ceiling um sturdy recliner us I guess yeah it's kind of

spk_0 this turn everything off and figure it out amazing Mason yeah I love your style thank you you're

spk_0 incredible I'd love to have you on the secret show for Mason bird it's going to be on the secret show

spk_0 how many times have you been on this show three three times yeah and you're constantly getting better

spk_0 it's absolutely incredible it's amazing Mason I really love your style and I think I want to

spk_0 see more of you so I'm going to make you the newest golden ticket winner here everyone's getting

spk_0 famous and blowing up you my friend you my friend and don't it that's it right there a golden

spk_0 ticket for Mason bird everybody thank bomb we'll see your next minute soon Mason congratulations wow

spk_0 how fun let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat everybody I mean

spk_0 what can I say about this guy Kilt Tony Hall of Famer who you know we don't get to see a ton of

spk_0 anymore but when we do we do get to see a ton of him one of the greatest roasters and comedians in

spk_0 the history of the show here for a surprise poppin Kilt Tony legend David Lucas yeah I do a lot of

spk_0 white shit I hunt I fish I swim I changed the batteries in my smoke detector it's so weird to

spk_0 me that black people never hear those fucking smoke detectors this it's like it's fucking soothing

spk_0 to them you know what I'm saying I went to one of my friends house the other day and his smoke

spk_0 detector was beeping I'm like nigga you don't hear that shit he's like yeah that mean it's working

spk_0 I'm like no the fuck is not but black people we don't hear that shit we don't change our

spk_0 fucking smoke detectors bro you ever heard the saying if you want to hide something from a nigga put

spk_0 in the book I didn't make it I just repeated it I don't think that's true I think if you want to

spk_0 hide something from a nigga you should put in a smoke detector because we never check that shit

spk_0 the fucking cure for diabetes is in the fucking smoke detector all right that's what time

spk_0 take you fuck yeah exactly one minute hilarious that shit crazy Jimmy Carr and look like the ghost

spk_0 of Tony his clip nigga that's you two weeks decomposed bitch that motherfucker look like little hobo

spk_0 nigga I'm trying to see who got the remote to this nigga face I'm just this motherfucker look like

spk_0 elder mat right all right go ahead Jimmy your goosebumps looking at oh shit

spk_0 sorry they need tea and crumpets I'm I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that

spk_0 wouldn't get me canceled Jimmy said I'm not one of those kind of black people I'm the good guy

spk_0 well you can still say yeah you can say I'm not I'm not I'll take it fucking and funny thank you buddy

spk_0 you look like you read Dr. Sous the niggas in prison one fish two fish red fish blue fish

spk_0 David Lucas I don't know what that nigga like brother nigga like he holds the American idol in

spk_0 Ireland nigga I think he did I think he actually did Jimmy hosts like everything on the other side

spk_0 of the planet yeah he hosts like every show in England you put on a TV in England it's just what

spk_0 show is Jimmy Carr hosting and they can eat a bag of blood

spk_0 that motherfucker parallel is that Brady somebody that you need somebody that color from Tony bitch

spk_0 you're right you're a remarkably confident man for for a guy that shape

spk_0 what are you working on type three diving there we go there we go I couldn't wait for your tight mouth

spk_0 to say something every time a nigga talk I want to shoot a water gun in his mouth

spk_0 what are you working on type three diabetes what do you mean

spk_0 by the way he did it three times before you never heard of

spk_0 thread band hilarious black I'm becoming white a little bit

spk_0 once you see me dressing like fucking team up we herman nigga oh whoa whoa whoa we got no no we got

spk_0 to shut this down now you're criticizing what someone's wearing yeah the fuck you talking about

spk_0 goodwill Jimmy I'm sorry you dressed like you about to go fight a parking ticket nigga you

spk_0 David Lucas I heard I was parked illegally but I walked to see the queen

spk_0 David David David war is comfy pants for this

spk_0 it's niggas so confused can they don't got niggas like that over now

spk_0 with the queen I'm I'm driven I don't park oh yeah I forgot you told me through the head

spk_0 told me through what's going on there it's a lot so in in black America these are called dreadlocks

spk_0 those are thick you got on that queen Diana wig queen Diana

spk_0 our best name master of English history what was that bitch name I remember now what

spk_0 I remember all that bitch name was the one who died in the park crash oh princess Diana that's

spk_0 I know it princess Diana I said queen you probably got confused because all the bitch are looking

spk_0 like cuz y'all in bread it looks like you're the one that's been in a lot of bread David

spk_0 going ham tonight finishing the other half of mason birds or a tisery chicken

spk_0 that's crazy I had to follow the white version of me nigga that's just crazy I'm like

spk_0 minutes nigga can swap clothes and be the same person yeah we did we went from bird to

spk_0 peg real quick amazing you look like Steve Irgol and white face all right

spk_0 what is going on were you molested by a British man before that's what happened to you

spk_0 now Jimmy Clark my homie bro Jimmy no yet

spk_0 and they give me that Netflix deal nigga I've been over like Tony Hitchcliff oh you son of a bitch

spk_0 son of a bitch you ain't bending over for shit this is a guy that ties his shoes fucking sitting

spk_0 up with his leg propped up over his other leg the aluminum idea had to convince you to fuck you

spk_0 use like yes I don't even know what you just said it's okay it's okay I'm starting David you are

spk_0 on fire right now absolutely incredible yes how's life going you good man you know life been

spk_0 amazing bro I was on the road with you this weekend bro we murdered sold out shows yeah and

spk_0 fucking Riley and Fort Lattadale bro Tony bought the shoot a new hour that shit is fantastic I

spk_0 can't wait for you all to see it yep it's been really amazing dog and I love it so much absolutely

spk_0 and also Andrew Santino had an amazing special o'hula bro that's right it's our right now white

spk_0 no wait so I love you I just I just go fuck myself shella I guess I'll just go fuck myself

spk_0 it's there you got he got a he got a new tin can of cookies coming out

spk_0 fire tonight right sometimes she's got to let him cut let him cook let him eat David Lucas

spk_0 and yeah catch me on tour of value oh I'm saying David Luke coming out of prison hell yeah

spk_0 Jesus fucking Christ David Lucas the regulars tonight showing how different it is having to be one of

spk_0 the people that used to write a minute every single week you just have a David different confidence

spk_0 all found out of the bucket this next person could be one I mean anything can happen we've already

spk_0 given away a golden ticket make some noise for Donna Lee everybody Donna Lee

spk_0 hey everybody how we doing good my name is Donna Lee I have a very critical Asian mom my mom is

spk_0 time my dad is Irish so I'm Thai-Rish I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through

spk_0 really gnarly divorce and so my mom was very critical of my life decisions she was very upset I was

spk_0 going to be single forever so one day I'm in the car going to Austin to Houston and my mom called

spk_0 and she said Donna Donna how come you alone you saw anybody alone I woody for you and I said why am I

spk_0 alone let's unpack that together I said I'm alone because you and dad proved the inability to show

spk_0 me love and affection as a child and you never uttered the words I love you and because of that I can't

spk_0 meet a man of substance I can't create lasting connections and I can't hang on to a relationship

spk_0 for more than a few months at a time because I'm constantly I will always be looking for something

spk_0 that I cannot find mom that's why I'm alone damn don't know

spk_0 I just asked why you go to Houston alone thank you that's my minute thank you

spk_0 boom exactly a minute from Donna Lee you've been on the show once before correct

spk_0 I was a few months ago and I have a lot to talk about remind us how long you've been on standup

spk_0 I started doing standup in 2006 and I had my big comeback I took five years of standup

spk_0 and the perfected my hosting abilities I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful

spk_0 job I just came back to comedy May 2024 and I'm so happy to be here right now this is my dream

spk_0 yeah wow rock solid answer thank you Donna how so you have one kid that's 13 or 23 oh okay we

spk_0 um 12 years off I took 12 years off because I felt guilty and I wanted to raise my son and my stepson

spk_0 and I got a new husband and all this stuff but I up it them first but now it's my turn to be first

spk_0 so here I am this is my dream wow this is my comeback story so and I was on secret show last time

spk_0 and I had so much fun so thank you she brought cupcakes for everybody oh my god that's how you

spk_0 get booked again by red band on the fuck yeah cupcakes I'm a mom you want to be a regular hit the

spk_0 secret show your name on the fridge wow um when I was here last time I didn't know what it meant to be

spk_0 stuck in a washer that you implied there you go abs and I went down the rabbit hole the next day

spk_0 yep and I wish I hadn't so yep now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer thanks to Tony

spk_0 Henshcliffe that's right and a lot of 25 year old boys reached out to me after that episode I bet

spk_0 I bet they did they did absolutely so I was you now you're you're with the guy though you're

spk_0 excited yes I'm married yes right yes he's awesome is he a big supporter of your comedy yes he is

spk_0 he's very supportive he's what does he do he's a custom home builder you're an Austin okay he's

spk_0 doing good for himself yeah you guys live in West Lake or something like big K close oh yeah

spk_0 yep he builds in West Lake so that was good you're living that life you have a Mercedes SUV uh

spk_0 sedan I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive it's a unbelievable talent

spk_0 that I have what type of Asian is your mom she's Thai okay yep Jimmy Car and you'll you'll

spk_0 father's Irish I wish tall Irish tall Irish and she's Thai she's tiny Thai oh from Thailand yes

spk_0 right and and where how did you fall it get into sex tourism oh the the Air Force the Air Force

spk_0 yes traditional yes I'm a product of this country correct now I was born in Thailand and we got

spk_0 her as fast as we could amazing I I I wish Air Force is that even a thing no it's the American Air Force

spk_0 the here he was a citizen here I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube

spk_0 okay okay is that okay can you do it in your mom's accent yeah yeah yeah let's do that yeah

spk_0 exactly great idea well because that's that stuff that takes me home you know that's yeah it's

spk_0 kind of my thing yeah so I did a lot of posts on my page at donnellycounty.com and I was on

spk_0 killtony episode 722 and I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments and

spk_0 the very Asian mom as my Asian mom the first comment that I saw it made me laugh out loud said

spk_0 oh Caitlyn Jenna she looked feminine now

spk_0 and another one about Caitlyn Jenna said oh Caitlyn Jenna I not know she do stand-up comedy so

spk_0 I think it's more funny in American in English but I was also called the team Ulyssa and didn't

spk_0 know who that was had to go down that rabbit hole she's a retired porn star for those of you who don't

spk_0 know that's where I know you throw yes that's right so do you make money in any way ever

spk_0 oh my god red band red band why would you do that that is disrespectful that is not nice don't do that

spk_0 no don't don't stop that red band stop it no don't no I'm serious no don't don't do that

spk_0 and people say Tony count act don't wait who the fuck says that but great actor

spk_0 stop no don't don't do it that's no that's a whole different race stop

spk_0 okay stop all right very good that doesn't make any sense do you sucky sucky no

spk_0 how do you how do you keep this man happy this guy could be with anybody as money right how do

spk_0 you keep your man happy we laugh a lot oh has he met your mom I tried getting stuck in the washer

spk_0 but I okay right fucking good say for it say for it is he met your mom oh yeah of course okay and

spk_0 what is your mom do she she lives in America too she actually passed away a couple of years ago but in my

spk_0 act she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well oh no oh no was also

spk_0 I got no I feel a bad it was a yoko oh no oh no

spk_0 me not love you long time wait over what a doctor told me sucky sucky all right how did she pass

spk_0 away cancer wow well if at first you don't succeed tie tie again it's amazing there it is

spk_0 there it is believable we're here for a good time not for a long time

spk_0 unbelievable what kind of cancer was it but you don't say this is kilttony this is the same

spk_0 fucking Jimmy Kimmel over here okay all right what kind of cancer was it there was liver cancer

spk_0 liver cancer wow yeah good was she a drinker no did she sucky sucky she did not that you're

spk_0 getting your Asians confused that's Japanese that's sucky sucky joke did not get the love that

spk_0 it deserved after two sucky sucky references sucky sucky for liver cancer we love a good liver

spk_0 cancer Joe I did want the opportunity to thank you though my life changed after I was on the

spk_0 first time yes well it's gonna change again it's gonna change again you you're you're a funny lady

spk_0 Donna Lee it's cool to see someone that chasing their dreams it's a they say this is a young person's

spk_0 game but I love all different shapes and sizes of people and and for you to come back and do what

spk_0 you love because you love to do it you love the feeling that you get from it's fucking awesome

spk_0 and you deserve it congratulations you got a big joke for glass time I did congratulations you

spk_0 know what I have an eight-minute spot on the secret show somebody won more

spk_0 red band wants more cupcakes red band wants more cup everybody red band wants more cupcakes red

spk_0 band wants more cupcakes think some noise for Zach Brown hanging out with us back

spk_0 one of the best fucking musicians of the world go to this fear I know I am you're gonna you

spk_0 might run into us there December or January we're gonna be there all right your final bucket pool

spk_0 of the night goes by the name this looks like a new name I like it make some noise for Ronnie

spk_0 roar back Ronnie roar back oh shit here we go mix it up your final bucket pool tonight

spk_0 Ronnie roar back guys I am so breathing nine years of my citizenship

spk_0 I've lived here for 26 years

spk_0 I was adopted by white people I have a disability my dad got me off a fucking tax right off

spk_0 no honestly like he was an asshole because growing up he never taught me Spanish so that any

spk_0 so anytime I would act out he would be like here he'd always start and send me back to the homeland

spk_0 and like he goes here they call you Ronnie back at home they would call you Jaguar bait

spk_0 and he would always use past tense so I knew he was serious and the worst part about it is

spk_0 growing up like I never thought my dad was an asshole like I never thought my dad was an alcoholic

spk_0 but I knew my dad was an alcoholic because at the age of four he would make me make his cocktails

spk_0 for him and he would put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise

spk_0 all right

spk_0 all right Ronnie roar back welcome to the show Ronnie thank you you my friend I call I've

spk_0 called a lot of people adorable I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it

spk_0 for you thank you what a cutie pie you are what's wrong with your hand low buddy I have cerebral

spk_0 palsy on my left arm you are you have let me tell you you have one of the best cases of cerebral

spk_0 palsy I've ever seen you should see what are cerebral palsy people fucking like oh

spk_0 you're like I just gotta get a little here everybody I know fucking

spk_0 cutie what a cutie pie that's making just cerebral palsy's fucking sweet I mean

spk_0 so this is one of the cupcakes that she brought to your place

spk_0 it's fucking unbelievable Tony if you fucking little fucking if you study the hand

spk_0 yeah he's giving involuntary finger oh yeah about once a minute there's an involuntary oh yeah

spk_0 look at that fucking middle finger that's a true fuck you in cursive this guy says fuck you in

spk_0 cursive it's a squiggly fucking little middle finger I can't imagine what that would feel like in my

spk_0 asshole whatever I'm driving if I flip you off with my bad hand you know I mean it oh hell yeah

spk_0 fuck you soldier boy in this motherfucker Ronnie how old are you I'm 27 you are something else how long

spk_0 you been doing stand up about five years now five years now amazing all of it here in Austin oh no

spk_0 I just moved down here about six months ago I started in Detroit okay that's rear originally from

spk_0 born in race I know I was born in Guatemala and then my parents adapted me and took me to Detroit

spk_0 oh my god you're adopted yep holy shit look at you you were adopted by a little white family

spk_0 yep oh my goodness that's how you ended up like this yep explains the NASCAR shirt and everything

spk_0 you're what explains the NASCAR shirt and everything oh yeah no Guatemalan's love NASCAR

spk_0 shirts it's incredible amazing so you're a NASCAR fan oh yeah what else are you in too Ronnie tell

spk_0 us more about you for me like I'm really into disc golf because it's a one-handed thing like yeah

spk_0 hell yeah absolutely what else I grew up playing football which was like a big expectation for my own

spk_0 doing a lot of fumbles they never let me touch the ball oh perfect you're the only time I would get

spk_0 out is like when we were either murdering our team or getting absolutely murdered right right you

spk_0 know consider being a mascot too short too short to be a mascot yeah you got to be like five four

spk_0 to be a mascot oh my god you're gonna be five four yeah I left it up dude clearly he wanted this yeah

spk_0 somehow this is sadder than the other ladies mom's cancer diagnosis is finding out that this

spk_0 sweet boy is too short to live his dream is a map oh my god Ronnie what else I want to interview you

spk_0 forever another thing about me is that it's the cutest guy of all time there's more things tell us

spk_0 yes tell us everything Ronnie I came in third place in a prettiest but whole in competition oh my god

spk_0 oh my god some of you might not know what goes on in Detroit exactly well prettiest but

spk_0 whole competitions are would you like to reprise yeah wait no no no no let's not let's not let's

spk_0 not the problem the problem is like for me like I wouldn't use someone else to hold my other

spk_0 cheek because you can only get half the picture Santina and no we can't pull out of the butthole it's

spk_0 it's a I'm getting word from the food and beverage administration that he passed me the knife

spk_0 we're gonna cut it out and then display it on a uh uh Ron I would do it dude you know I was gonna

spk_0 fucking do it oh I believe you yeah I like you where was this yeah where was this competition held

spk_0 it was in Lansing Michigan oh yeah well what did number one two look like how did they beat you

spk_0 so number two like I don't know if anyone ever seen like but this guy had glitter shoved up his

spk_0 ass oh my god and like he farted at one point and like it shot out wow it was amazing all right yeah

spk_0 he's me thinking kill shone is a great show that's a great show I'm gonna get the number two guy

spk_0 on give him a minute next week sorry that was the number two guy yeah who won so this lady she was

spk_0 from Oklahoma and like she had a flower tattooed on her ass like this like the center of the flower

spk_0 was the spincter wow and what was your what was your spin how did you get third well because I so

spk_0 they had an interview section and I told everyone it was my make-a-wish wow wow very good wow

spk_0 very good oh my god

spk_0 un-be-lucky bubble I literally went from eighth to third and five words

spk_0 wow so the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting oh natural I felt very accomplished

spk_0 absolutely Andrew's gonna cut the hair off of it with a sac rounds knife right right

spk_0 amazing Ronnie so you're 27 what do you do for work how do you make money Ronnie uh

spk_0 I'd you do our dash right now unbelievable I mean actually totally believable I mean like I

spk_0 got I kind of got fired for my last job I was a pool boy or as I like to say I was going around

spk_0 this like I was going around this like fucking up every middle aged woman's fucking what dream

spk_0 to see my gumpias walk in okay I know you're many years away from your first Netflix special but

spk_0 my gumpias might well be the title yeah I'll definitely put that in the notes absolutely so it's

spk_0 amazing because you're like uh in anomaly you're like so many of the people we had a pool guy

spk_0 on earlier we had a door dash guy on earlier this is we had an also yeah amazing Ronnie so you

spk_0 do you ever have a crazy door dash do you have any moments that yeah the other day they had me so

spk_0 were dashing tires whoa I felt that was like racially profiled I'm like I won't know how I look but

spk_0 like you're gonna have microbial ass lift for heavy tires amazing how did you do it I fucking had a

spk_0 white person help me yeah that's right yeah and don't you forget it Ronnie did you

spk_0 did you tell the movies you'll make a wish wow Ronnie you are incredible every disabled

spk_0 Mexican deserves a white person

spk_0 yeah

spk_0 in you water mullet sorry water mullet I promise you live here yeah yeah how long have you lived in

spk_0 Austin for about six months now what do you love about Austin tell us what you're doing for fun

spk_0 out there uh I honestly I love just like seeing people who look like me so I can know which haircuts

spk_0 I can and cannot go with

spk_0 can I be the first to say no one else looks like you yeah

spk_0 you are non-fungible human is that haircut oh what the fuck hang on there's another one in a

spk_0 hat it's a bunch of them over there everywhere what is that haircut is that like Steve

spk_0 Crill from the office what do you are a rockin right now I don't know I had a white barber and I've

spk_0 like for like the longest time I just walked in I'm like just do it just don't fuck me up and this is

spk_0 what I've been going with it looks great white people it looks great Ronnie what's your

spk_0 love life like Ronnie you been with the girl uh it's really not existed right now I just really

spk_0 focusing on comedy lately I love that have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas uh I

spk_0 actually fucked a stripper oh wow Jesus Ronnie Ronnie oh my goodness you've activated the lights

spk_0 Ronnie tell us about this stripper Jimmy Carr that sounds like I love a Tuesday morning yeah

spk_0 no doubt about it so like what actually happened was that uh I was like I applied for disability

spk_0 and got denied and like I got my tax write-off so I was like I'm going to the strip club okay let

spk_0 me real quick how much was this tax write-off for exactly I think it was like 1500 1500 let's

spk_0 blow it right away yeah straight to the fucking strip club let's go what did you wear to the strip

spk_0 club was it that I was wearing a bad man shirt oh yeah brother oh yeah it had the abs and everything

spk_0 on oh my god that's right there isn't a dry seat in the house yeah exactly you and a batman

spk_0 t-shirt please exactly the manager came into the champagne room and he's like where is she

spk_0 see you're wearing a batman shirt you show up to the strip club just fucking that music playing in

spk_0 your head what's that fucking song that the with the horns that is the place what are you five foot

spk_0 two you're lucky you didn't drown in pussy no no not that one no the the one that's uh the

spk_0 the the more fucking was that pick up pick up the pieces what is that what is that pick up the pieces

spk_0 you know what the fuck I'm talking about I forget it all right you have cool music playing in

spk_0 your head that you two won't let us reproduce right now and then what goes on first stripper you see

spk_0 well yeah not the first strip I saw because like the first one I saw was Hispanic and there was a

spk_0 language barrier there yeah yeah yeah don't judge by the color of their skin by by the language

spk_0 they speak exactly that's what demonetists lives by as well go ahead because if like because like the

spk_0 thing is like I can't speak Spanish so I can't bargain you're damn right and the bargaining is

spk_0 necessary we need uh I felt so it was a white woman and uh like she's like let's go to the champagne

spk_0 room and everything and like I was like oh I get back there I'm like oh no I got a negotiate

spk_0 condom or not and like she just literally grabbed him put it right in wow unbelievable and that's how

spk_0 he got cerebral palsy everybody before that his left arm was totally fine he was the quarterback

spk_0 of the football team a left handed quarterback before that I like how you weren't gonna negotiate

spk_0 condom or not condom you didn't want to you were just the price yeah yeah you didn't you were you

spk_0 so you wanted no condom I didn't want to put like I was just like I was not gonna just like not

spk_0 negotiate try to get a couple bucks off so what what did you get it down to let's talk about the

spk_0 negotiation process it was like I think 350 you broad dog the stripper in deep shroy for

spk_0 three oh this was in Austin whoa oh my god don't ask okay don't ask should I ask which

spk_0 strip club we all know which strip club was it uh it was Rick's cabinet wait it was what Rick's

spk_0 cabinet so north of 35 hold on there's a patch of the room losing their minds I think they're

spk_0 having an employee outing right three three 50s the E-Walk price what was that three 50s the E-Walk

spk_0 price you are a little fucking E-Walk look at you that's what it is I've been wondering what you

spk_0 remind of your the fucking we have the Estonian assassin and the Guatemalan E-Walk tonight

spk_0 this is absolutely incredible Zach Brown with the fucking call on the field I was wondering what

spk_0 the fuck you were that's what it is look at yo we shaved in the water gotten late fucking Austin what a

spk_0 town it's unbelievable so 350 and so you're negotiating right you're sitting there and you go you know

spk_0 I'm really I'd really like to have sex with you like that right is that what you said well she

spk_0 was the one who initiated it which made me kind of throwing off a little bit what did she say exactly

spk_0 she's gonna fuck you I need you fuck you I will tell you batman name your price for the bidding shall

spk_0 be mine and the Climini shall be yours your abs have confused me batman 350s a deal

spk_0 she what did she say no she was this like she was this I think like she was just down from it

spk_0 from the beginning because like whenever I'm like at the stroke hub like I like having a real

spk_0 conversation I'm like so what do you do on Tuesday God you're the cutest human being of all time

spk_0 was that so was this the first and last time at that or this is yeah that was the first time I

spk_0 have ever been there and having been back I should go back but no after this I don't think they

spk_0 want me back yeah I think they do I think you just fucking blew up their business big time everybody

spk_0 just found out they can fuck for 350 with a fifteen hundred dollar tax return my friend I do

spk_0 believe that's about four or five fuckings why are we still here yeah yes let's all go we know

spk_0 where the after party is and we're taking the sweet e-walk with us so again what exactly does

spk_0 this stripper say well so I was just like there she goes you want to go to the champagne room I'm like

spk_0 all right but like what are we gonna do and which kind of shows how like I'm innocent in a way I was

spk_0 like what are we gonna do it she goes I'll make sure it's your worth your time I'm like all right I

spk_0 was fucking do this I'm always down for the game okay so then what happened this guy goes I

spk_0 mean is it he was like let's go raw dog yeah nothing innocent about you at all the moment your

spk_0 cop is out like I'm putting this inside of you right now really I'm so who me I'm so innocent it

spk_0 really really I love you man you are something else so again I make sure it's worth your time

spk_0 but then again how do you get to fucking raw dog yeah I mean you know make sure it's worth your

spk_0 time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with you know fucking underwear on

spk_0 for two songs yeah how do you get to fucking well so she goes we literally walk into the

spk_0 champagne room she goes go sit in that corner and take it out I'm like okay what what I'm sorry

spk_0 yellow rose and red rose have been sponsoring us for a long time but let me tell you that place

spk_0 fucking sauce compared to this because sitting in the corner and pulling out this is the world's greatest

spk_0 what the fuck risk what's it called he was Gricks cabinet we have it on you right here

spk_0 Rick's cabaret Rick's cabaret let's read some yellow reviews oh oh my god well you know what we're

spk_0 gonna do because it's tradition here we're gonna start with the one star reviews but I gotta tell

spk_0 you this is the I'm gonna go to some five star reviews too let's actually start with the

spk_0 fives and then we'll go to the ones that list the STDs that's a five star review right there oh no

spk_0 doubt about it shit if they want to sponsor me I wear a shirt everywhere hunter f from huddo

spk_0 taxis janeuary 26 2024 the women are beautiful the staff is attentive and personable can't beat

spk_0 free prime rib on Friday make sure to sit at the bar with Jackie and shy by a few shots and they

spk_0 will give you the best recommendations on the dancers tell them that hunters send you wow thank

spk_0 you hunter what an amazing tell tell them I sent you from yelp strip club five star yelp reviews

spk_0 maybe the most insane thing we've ever done on this show by the way tell a hunter sent you like

spk_0 what a creep that guy is that's frightening had a blast there super professional while also being

spk_0 fun got champagne relaxed with friends Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable bought two bottles

spk_0 of whiskey on a being way less than I thought it would be all right yeah let's go to the one

spk_0 star reviews we got to get to the good shit here we're gonna find out exactly let's let's let's

spk_0 look uh let's okay is an interesting thought all right who wouldn't they fuck oh my goodness oh boy

spk_0 oh black man okay let's read this one mark c from manhattan New York oh boy I'm the guy from

spk_0 manhattan rolled into this fucking joint where this guy's just raw doggy I mean just bodily fluids being

spk_0 exchanged on every pump in and out just liquids coming out of him the third most beautiful asshole

spk_0 in lancing Michigan just fully exposed on the leather the same leather that people sit on while

spk_0 eating free prime rib unfried it and little did they know that the third best lancing assholes

spk_0 just bouncing off of it with a fucking hand that's throwing up gang signs 24 seven and here we go

spk_0 mark c said I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of co-workers and friends

spk_0 I have to say I was very disappointed we are from out of town but come to Austin for some conferences

spk_0 the women here were not attractive and we're a mixture of very skinny women to women with poor plastic

spk_0 size surgery ass and back acne did you notice this girl had any acne no I didn't know is that

spk_0 beautiful the lighting is everything people lighting is everything yeah there's not really

spk_0 anything about oh okay we are a racially diverse group white black indian and Korean other

spk_0 reviews on google said they ignore black eyes and I have to say it's true oh my god two of my

spk_0 co-workers received no attention all night and guess what they were black I noticed it and kind of

spk_0 felt bad but it is not my establishment but yeah definitely but yeah definitely noticed black

spk_0 men were being ignored at ricks did you notice black men were being ignored there honestly I

spk_0 wasn't looking at anyone I was out of my mind can you imagine being a black guy sitting at a strip club

spk_0 no one's been dancing for you all night this fucking guy walks it

spk_0 to five minutes later his dick is out and it's just a girl with no acne at all sitting on it

spk_0 oh my god don't eat the food terrible stay away from this place I went with my co-worker on

spk_0 Friday I got a few rounds no issues man there's no one else is fucking you are the only one that's

spk_0 ever fucked at this establishment keep reading fast red band let's go back to this so I got to

spk_0 know how long do you think you lasted the sex it share like maybe a minute a half minute and a half

spk_0 good job good job did you leave it in or did you take it out there's no way no way

spk_0 I'm disabled you really think I'm gonna throw her off of me no yeah well you can't hold on a second

spk_0 stop every leverage stop everybody shut the fuck up you you came inside of the stripper not

spk_0 have purpose oh my god oh my god in 18 years there's gonna be the world scariest stripper just

spk_0 picking up one's off a stage oh my god my friend that is cerebral ballsy have you gone back

spk_0 to see have you gone back to see if she's pregnant oh hell no that's why you're not going back

spk_0 yeah really sickly yeah you went to oh like honestly like as soon as that came I was like the first

spk_0 thought I had in my head was I'm like this is why I didn't qualify for disability yeah wow yeah

spk_0 exactly Jimmy Car what do you think I hope I just hope you do go back I hope you build a

spk_0 relationship on a life with this woman because one day in the future I want this to be grandma

spk_0 grandpa how did you meet and I want this story to come out wow unbelievable he's fucking oh

spk_0 yeah okay all right very disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband

spk_0 I wanted to take him out for his birthday I really wanted to check out a strip club together

spk_0 one of the toilets was clogged and with nasty toilet paper bloody to and soiled and the other two

spk_0 stalls yeah red band this is just like your material red band showing me his set list

spk_0 okay so you came inside of her do you give her 350 right then did you tip anything were you like

spk_0 like maybe did you ask for the change on the 400 even though you came inside of her I use cash up

spk_0 wow wow see digitally cream pied her bank account like a gentleman wow I got to tell you it's

spk_0 been a 24-minute long interview with Ronnie the adopted Guatemalan iwa with the third most beautiful

spk_0 asshole from Lansing Michigan arrived Austin Texas started cream pying strippers immediately

spk_0 just absolutely fucking incredible I love you Ronnie how much material do you think you have

spk_0 all together stand up wise I just did a half hour with my friend on the road a couple weeks ago

spk_0 you better invite this motherfucker right I'd love to have you on the secret show bring him a cupcake

spk_0 you know what she's bringing cupcake you bring some cream pie

spk_0 he's not gonna be able to catch it I but I'm holding the mic in my bad hand so I actually

spk_0 you're getting you got a switch switch so it's fine I'm gonna aim for that I'm gonna aim for that

spk_0 right tits so you can you can cup it right there you ready

spk_0 yeah

spk_0 Ronnie throw back ladies and gentlemen holy shit what an episode you guys have fun

spk_0 this is the number one show in all of comedy ladies and gentlemen brought you by talk space

spk_0 I'm gonna remind you one more time Zach Brown is at the sphere

spk_0 December January 2025 2026 Santino white noise is out now on Hulu he's on tour Andrew Santino

spk_0 dot com of course bad friends Jimmy Carr is on a world tour Australia New Zealand in the entire world

spk_0 Jimmy Carr dot com car with two arms and now you know even though all of our regulars are always busy

spk_0 there just happens to be one more comedian left and there's just one guy that could end an

spk_0 episode like this it is the Hall of Famer with the record for all time appearances and interviews

spk_0 on the show some people call him the Memphis Strangler the vanilla gorilla the Duke of debauchery

spk_0 he is the bigger at machine this is the one and only William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen

spk_0 I

spk_0 Was at the courthouse the other day pulling some land deeds and you know the property where the bat cave is

spk_0 It's owned by Wayne Enterprises. Why would Bruce Wayne wait does Batman owe Bruce Wayne money

spk_0 I mean the dude is saving the day all day and does he ever get a tip hell no dude's probably broke his hell

spk_0 And you know the government isn't paying him because the cops street guy yeah keep trying to shut his ass down

spk_0 I messed that part up

spk_0 Thank you everybody's talking about how AI is gonna take over the world uh yeah the movie kind of sucked

spk_0 This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat want to go to Antifa prom with me

spk_0 people always look at birds and say dang man I wish I could fly but birds are probably looking down at us and saying dang man

spk_0 I wish I could start a conspiracy theory

spk_0 That's my time thank you to notice all the regulars that exactly a minute tonight right on the dot

spk_0 I pros I really bombed at the beginning this is a real rough one tonight but it was seem okay

spk_0 I guess I don't love you you're out here you've done it more than anybody else you've literally done hours and hours and hours on this show

spk_0 It is incredible because also it was kind of a fucking great promise yeah

spk_0 Yeah, thank you. I know about my Bruce Wayne thing that's that's fucking something in that yeah

spk_0 You know the way you want to tonight but there's something fucking great something in there. I agree. Yeah, thank you. I agree

spk_0 Great William fan in that weirdo guy was talking about Batman. So I'm taking oh my god. This is gonna be so good

spk_0 I think there's no way this weird guy talking about Batman. I know you're not calling my new best friend weird

spk_0 That is Ronnie or War back. I know I'm kidding. He seemed nice. He's a sweet boy

spk_0 William how's life been going? What's going on tell us been good?

spk_0 Just got back from Salt Lake City. I was there this weekend

spk_0 This shows were a lot of fun and then on Sunday morning when I woke up at 7 a.m

spk_0 I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street

spk_0 And I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes. Whoa

spk_0 They were doing it right by their window and I couldn't really understand what was happening because it seemed like the girl

spk_0 I swear to god

spk_0 It first. I'm like is this a mannequin? Is she passed out? I couldn't tell because he's constantly doing her legs like he was driving her or something

spk_0 I couldn't even tell what was going on but I watched it for 20 minutes

spk_0 Sonya it was very exciting on my Sunday morning. Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all? No

spk_0 Well, you had to think about it there. I didn't this weekend at all Tony. I wasn't really in the mood

spk_0 You didn't masturbate at all. I did all this week. Did you think about it?

spk_0 Yeah, but then I just wasn't in the mood. Why do you think you weren't in the mood? I don't know

spk_0 Jimmy I feel like you're saving it for a subway

spk_0 Yeah, what a subway sandwich place like the bathroom of a subway. I think on the New York subway

spk_0 I feel like it's the right place for you to be masturbating. I know there could be a fun place

spk_0 Maybe yeah, the subway or what's another good place? Let's think of another place like I make Donald's or something

spk_0 Maybe McDonald's give me a fun place for me to be jacking off where else could be what is some more like a movie theater

spk_0 Could maybe be a wonderful place for fucking jack off. What do you really maybe like the fucking zoo or something Tony?

spk_0 Wow, maybe front of the penguins

spk_0 Oh

spk_0 No too cold Tony not in there

spk_0 Summer in the zoo when I was a penguin stone

spk_0 My dick's already small

spk_0 Oh

spk_0 But where else maybe like

spk_0 Maybe like a gas station

spk_0 What gas station huh

spk_0 Sit down maybe a sit go or

spk_0 Buckies is roomy. I know buckies. Oh my gosh. How did I not think of buckies?

spk_0 Maybe I could jack off on bucky because bucky walks around the buckies every day from 10 to 12

spk_0 12 p.m. 10 a.m. to 12 p.m

spk_0 Wow

spk_0 So if I go between 10 and 12, I'll be able to catch his ass in there

spk_0 So maybe that's a good idea. I could just jack off all on them and

spk_0 Have a fun rest of the day. I'm sure I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good. So

spk_0 Wow jack it off one fucking buckies nasty hairy fucking ass

spk_0 Wow

spk_0 One of the companies that I've always wanted to sponsor the show and

spk_0 I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again

spk_0 No, Tony you need to and then we can get together because we'll be around each other a lot

spk_0 If he's here like every Monday, I think I'd be able to charm him. So oh okay

spk_0 Get get the sponsor maybe appears of the William things the bucky beaver is a real beaver

spk_0 Every all grown beaver Jimmy Carr

spk_0 Can I ask about when you were watching this couple uh making love

spk_0 Across the street was there any like contact that any point did you think they're gonna see me watching them?

spk_0 The guy would look a little bit, but I was down they were up like three stories

spk_0 And then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first. I was sitting on the bed at first and I was like wait

spk_0 I got to stand up

spk_0 And then I was standing up and then I was naked. I was naked this entire time

spk_0 Why were you naked just thinking maybe I could help them out if they see my ass down there

spk_0 They're gonna be like oh my god. This is freaky that dudes naked down there watching us

spk_0 So I thought maybe I could help but they did not see me

spk_0 But it was exciting it really was that is incredible. How did it end did you did you notice what okay? How could you get out of there?

spk_0 I had to get my lift because I ordered my lift like halfway through but the lift was taken a while

spk_0 So that's what I was able to watch them longer, but then I did just leave

spk_0 Amazing why why lift why why is the lift your goat? I always look at lift and uber and whatever's cheaper

spk_0 That's what I go with wow a very thrifty williamon comrade shockingly thrifty

spk_0 Literally rich

spk_0 Literally no, I wouldn't say that Tony and I wouldn't also say that there's much of fucking weirdos

spk_0 They'll watch a bunch of really nice people but don't you know weirdos

spk_0 People don't need to think I have a bunch of money because I don't so right

spk_0 The government takes a lot. I mean there's it's it's not really it's not

spk_0 So we don't even need to talk about right? We really don't know I love it

spk_0 There's like some strange people

spk_0 They would just love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment really worried about

spk_0 What other people think for a guy that just admitted to watching two people fuck from a hotel window but naked?

spk_0 I mean, I think your priorities are a little out of line. Well, we live in a weird time. There's a bunch of weirdos out there Tony

spk_0 I mean we're in a strange time. I love that weirdos you say

spk_0 Yeah, there's weirdos everywhere and there's so yeah

spk_0 What else you've been doing for fun william anything else just the fucking row machine? I mean 1,900,000 meters

spk_0 Wow, so have you ever thought about jerking off on the row machine?

spk_0 No, I almost vomited the other day so it would not be I wouldn't be in the mood right

spk_0 At all is there anything else that you're passionate about any new snacks in your life?

spk_0 And some bottom figures, Tony

spk_0 Yep

spk_0 Oh wow this guy's completely bored out of his mind look at this fucking guy's face

spk_0 Do you have a problem with me tonight? You didn't like the first joke

spk_0 I messed up on the first fucking joke

spk_0 What are you one of these fucking weirdos?

spk_0 Who would love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment?

spk_0 Are you one of these fucking dudes?

spk_0 Is that what you're looking at me like that dumbass?

spk_0 You really think we're gonna like a meadow?

spk_0 So you're fucking faced dude. You're right there in the light.

spk_0 Yeah, you got a condaid dream in bro.

spk_0 That guy's gonna have a panic attack right?

spk_0 That is bad

spk_0 Really a big guy still up there

spk_0 Who's that who are you with your sister?

spk_0 Who's that lady with you?

spk_0 I'm kidding

spk_0 Is that your who is that

spk_0 That's his girlfriend

spk_0 Are you ever gonna stop?

spk_0 You just go back from Salt Lake City

spk_0 Are you ever gonna stop harassing this guy, William?

spk_0 I don't see you ever

spk_0 William, I'm gonna relate to the gentleman this episode is brought to you by Talkspace

spk_0 White noise is on Hulu, the great Andrew Santino tickets of Andrew Santino.com

spk_0 Jimmy Car.com for his tickets

spk_0 And one more time what a special treat the great Zach Brown ladies and gentlemen

spk_0 of the Zach Brown band at the sphere

spk_0 All of December and all of

spk_0 January ladies and gentlemen and don't forget the brand new album Love and Fear comes out on night one of their sphere performances

spk_0 Friday December 5th Zach fun times. Thank you my friend

spk_0 Have a one more time for the best standband in the land the drawing room right?

spk_0 Jay E. Melvus then it's incredible

spk_0 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight

spk_0 Oh, de-madness look at that that's amazing

spk_0 De-it's beautiful I promise

spk_0 You guys have fun tonight

spk_0 Red band

spk_0 Guys check out Jetsky Jetsky Johnson's new podcast

spk_0 I think Santino were you on it?

spk_0 Yeah it's amazing

spk_0 Check it out

spk_0 Go watch Jetsky

spk_0 Kill cloney super alumni Jetsky Johnson as a podcast now

spk_0 The great Heidi and Valerie Bond the Kill cloney beauties have a podcast

spk_0 Uh yeah check out everything thank you to talk space and thank you to the live audience don't forget new year's Eve

spk_0 We're at the Moody Center, so you people finally have a chance at seeing Kill cloney live

spk_0 But you got to do it on New Year's Eve and a big ass arena. It's gonna be crazy

spk_0 We love you. Thank you. Good night everybody

spk_0 You

spk_0 The Songset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over

spk_0 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday

spk_0 Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets

spk_0 You

#738 - JIMMY CARR + ANDREW SANTINO

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