102: Skynet is Here with Geoffrey Asmus | Soder Podcast | EP 100

Interactive Transcript

spk_0 It's the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

spk_0 Come on out to a show.

spk_0 October 16th, the Beeshoe Theater in Knoxville, Tennessee.

spk_0 I'm very excited about that show.

spk_0 October 10th at the Center Stage Theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

spk_0 I'm excited to bring the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour

spk_0 to the Sweet Sweet City of Atlanta.

spk_0 October 11th, Louisville, Kentucky.

spk_0 The Kentucky Center for Arts,

spk_0 Dan Soder.com for tickets.

spk_0 Go to Dan Soder, slash tour for all dates,

spk_0 all tickets by the tickets through my website.

spk_0 Don't go to Google.

spk_0 Please don't go to Google.

spk_0 This is how secondhand resellers get you.

spk_0 Just go to Dan Soder.com.

spk_0 And right there on that ticket link, we'll send you there.

spk_0 And we're going to see you.

spk_0 The show's going to be fun as hell.

spk_0 I'm bringing a lot of fun people.

spk_0 Sagalo's going to be on a lot.

spk_0 I'm bringing Matt Ross, a couple of surprise openers

spk_0 that are fun that I'm very excited to bring along.

spk_0 Dan Soder.com, slash tour for Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

spk_0 The AI thing is, have you seen the AI actress

spk_0 that they're selling?

spk_0 That's what I was just reading about.

spk_0 Yeah, that's that.

spk_0 The AI actress.

spk_0 Actors have to be, you thought comics were mad about AI

spk_0 about like chat, GBT writing jokes.

spk_0 Imagine when they just go, well, you don't need you

spk_0 to be on set.

spk_0 It's going to happen.

spk_0 Yeah, the sag.

spk_0 The sag.

spk_0 Sag after is like fighting them.

spk_0 They're like, no, no, no.

spk_0 And then the guy, I think the funniest part of the article

spk_0 I read about the AI actress was the guy that created her.

spk_0 It was calling her art or whatever.

spk_0 You know, he's like, oh, they all Tim Beland signing AI music.

spk_0 Yeah, Tim Beland signing a bunch of AI artists.

spk_0 And they're anyway, he went, it's art.

spk_0 It's art.

spk_0 And then after he went, you know, I'm an actor.

spk_0 The guy that made, he's like, get his, get his,

spk_0 yeah, going the most actor move in the world

spk_0 is to betray humans.

spk_0 I'm the guy who made humans obsolete.

spk_0 Yeah, but don't, but I can act.

spk_0 Do you want me to give a little swim in the queen?

spk_0 Yeah, me and her are great two-man teams.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 She comes with me, like he's the guy

spk_0 they're going to first cut out where he was like,

spk_0 no, but I did this so I could be, I mean, the AI.

spk_0 Yeah, it's the AI.

spk_0 I don't, I don't use it.

spk_0 I hate it.

spk_0 It makes me sad.

spk_0 Yeah, it really, they're not rolling now, are we?

spk_0 Yeah, we're rolling.

spk_0 Oh, it's not rolling.

spk_0 Okay, okay.

spk_0 We'll be, this will be used against us

spk_0 when the robots are going.

spk_0 Right, I know.

spk_0 I don't want to speak ill of them.

spk_0 Because I think you will be.

spk_0 I'm for us.

spk_0 Man, you will be in a work camp.

spk_0 I mean, Peter Teal, you're listening, I know.

spk_0 So, I bet you're, I bet you're real wet and slick.

spk_0 The guy who, you know, he named that the company

spk_0 palancier after the evil things in Lord of the Rings.

spk_0 That's what man, you have Sora.

spk_0 A man who right, or created,

spk_0 no, they were the seeing stone that Sora

spk_0 and could see through it.

spk_0 The guy who read Lord of the Rings is like rooting for Mordor.

spk_0 That's the people who control our world.

spk_0 He's like, I identify with Sora.

spk_0 Because I think, he talks like Vincent,

spk_0 Tenoffrio and Men in Black, where he's like, oh, sure.

spk_0 You got more sugar.

spk_0 Like, he's like a bug.

spk_0 A man on the edge.

spk_0 He caught him open in a big bug game out.

spk_0 Like a giant bug out there.

spk_0 He's a reptilian.

spk_0 Yeah, he's a reptilian.

spk_0 There's just one clip I'm talking about,

spk_0 and you can find it.

spk_0 On the one where he says, I don't know if humans need to exist.

spk_0

spk_0 That's like the easiest one where he goes.

spk_0 Do you think humans should exist?

spk_0 He's like, oh, that's a tough one.

spk_0 Oh, I feel like.

spk_0 He's like trying to go against his master's orders.

spk_0 He's like, oh, I can't.

spk_0 You almost expect him to be talking to someone else

spk_0 being like, they asked these questions master.

spk_0 What do I do?

spk_0 And then they're like, oh, give him the rights to everything.

spk_0 He's creating like, oh, they're doing the AIs

spk_0 taking over everything.

spk_0 All volunteer is, is SkyNet.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 If you think about it in terms of SkyNet,

spk_0 there's zero chance you can root for this guy.

spk_0 But people, you're cured for the machine in term of age.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 It just proves that art has no power.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 We predicted all of this and everyone's like,

spk_0 man, let's let it happen.

spk_0 Let's write it out.

spk_0 Let's see what happens.

spk_0 I'm going to go my way.

spk_0 Yeah, you know, SkyNet won't happen.

spk_0 No, no, no, no, no, it's a good movie.

spk_0 It's a good movie.

spk_0 Yeah, I don't know.

spk_0 Is Arnold here?

spk_0 Are they going to make another Arnold?

spk_0 It's crazy.

spk_0 I've heard comics using Chad Gbt.

spk_0 I'm not going to name it.

spk_0 I've heard people use it.

spk_0 And I think that should be a shame on themselves.

spk_0 I think they should do.

spk_0 I think I might have privately tried to shame some people.

spk_0

spk_0 And they stood by.

spk_0 They stood by it and like, no, robots have a place in creativity.

spk_0 I don't, they always do.

spk_0 It's the convenience argument is what's

spk_0 going to ruin humanity and justice.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 Yes, it's just convenience.

spk_0 It makes them easy.

spk_0 It's like if we found out the dinosaurs died

spk_0 because of convenience, that there was no meteor.

spk_0 It was just had too many data centers.

spk_0 Yeah, it just was just that.

spk_0 It had hoarded too much meat.

spk_0 And then everyone else, if we found out that it was convenient,

spk_0 they forgot how to hunt because they were having robots

spk_0 do it for them or whatever.

spk_0 They girl, I mean, Wally's is just Wally.

spk_0 It's all the same.

spk_0 Wally might be the movie that predicted it correct.

spk_0 Wally got it right.

spk_0 Wally, we all want it to be Terminator

spk_0 because we all want it to be Matrix or Terminator

spk_0 because the humans are hot.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 There's like a war and we at least fight back at least.

spk_0 It's a greased up on their jacked arms

spk_0 and they're like shooting shit.

spk_0 And we're, we win battles in that.

spk_0 Yeah, in cool ways.

spk_0 But in, but in reality,

spk_0 where it's just fat guys sitting on a couch

spk_0 watching the 19th Hulk remake.

spk_0 They're just like, we need to redo it again.

spk_0 They do it again and sent four Boston dynamic dogs in here

spk_0 with guns.

spk_0 Oh God, those dogs.

spk_0 I'm fucked.

spk_0 Yeah, those dogs are coming in like,

spk_0 shriep, shriep, shriep, shriep.

spk_0 And I'm just like, I'm not gonna do anything.

spk_0 That's you think Murdo's gonna do anything?

spk_0 Why do you think we had to lock her up?

spk_0 Cause she gives too many kisses.

spk_0 That's not over here, Bite.

spk_0 Ray's you brought up four dogs

spk_0 because I almost got mauled by four dogs this summer.

spk_0 Really?

spk_0 I like almost died.

spk_0 Where?

spk_0 Four dobermans attacked me this summer.

spk_0 Where?

spk_0 You go on hikes and shoot.

spk_0 Yeah, he was getting rural Wisconsin.

spk_0 Yeah, my girlfriend's family got an Airbnb

spk_0 at like kind of a cabin near beautiful Mauston, Wisconsin.

spk_0 And I went on a run.

spk_0 We see you, Mauston.

spk_0 Mauston, great town, five bars, one school.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Hey, that's that's a feeder system.

spk_0 That's a feeder system, exact.

spk_0 You get down to school, you go right to the bar.

spk_0 Right to the bar.

spk_0 It's honestly, it's it is renewable energy.

spk_0 It is.

spk_0 And then they have kids and then they go to the

spk_0 screen because they blacked out and they fucked

spk_0 with that all drink like they're served in Vietnam.

spk_0 Every age, a 17 year old's drinking to forget already.

spk_0 And with, and with, and what's fun about Wisconsin is,

spk_0 because you're from Minnesota and that whole area,

spk_0 the Midwest is that candy coated shell of you guys being nice.

spk_0 Oh, that's not real at all.

spk_0 So quickly with alcohol.

spk_0 Oh my gosh.

spk_0 You wore a skin color.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 But you become, you guys become, you go from like,

spk_0 oh, hey, the being like, I think you should leave.

spk_0 You need to get the Somalis out of here.

spk_0 Why are they running all the stores?

spk_0 And you go, I don't know.

spk_0 I think you want them.

spk_0 I'm married her brother.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Well, you didn't want to do it.

spk_0 And they're like, no, I know.

spk_0 I want convenience.

spk_0 Yeah, the convenience epidemic.

spk_0 Oh, wait, I was, I was wanting to finish the story

spk_0 about the malling.

spk_0 Oh, yeah.

spk_0 Oh, yeah, the Ford art.

spk_0 I was running, I went on a run on like a rural

spk_0 country highway, county highway.

spk_0 And I was running by some mobile homes and like four

spk_0 dobermans come out.

spk_0 They start barking and I'm like, whatever.

spk_0 Then they start running at me and I'm like, whatever.

spk_0 Certainly a guy will pop out and like whistle or something.

spk_0 Then they hit the highway.

spk_0 They're like 10 feet away and I'm like, oh, no,

spk_0 I'm like an enemy and they're trying to eliminate me.

spk_0 And those are dogs that eliminate enemies.

spk_0 And I, one maybe I could tango for.

spk_0 I'm done.

spk_0 No, well, the thing would be the second you turned around

spk_0 to deal with the first one.

spk_0 Another one gets me by the neck and it's over.

spk_0 It's just they, they're, they hunt and pack.

spk_0 They're, and they're biologically they know what to do.

spk_0 They do exactly what they didn't have to sit around

spk_0 and draw it up in the dirt.

spk_0 Where they go?

spk_0 All right, we get them on the highway.

spk_0 They saw a weak little soy boy.

spk_0 They knew I was at the end of my five mile run.

spk_0 I don't even think you're telling the full story.

spk_0 I think you yelled something liberal at them.

spk_0 Come get it bitch.

spk_0 And now you ain't like, I think people under 18

spk_0 should be allowed trans surgery and they're like,

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 I don't know how they ran and you're gonna.

spk_0 You're gonna wanna get my pronouns right?

spk_0 Before you eat me.

spk_0 It's him.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And or you could have been this was.

spk_0 It was worth it.

spk_0 It wasn't my new crop out.

spk_0 Which at what moment was it the highway where you started?

spk_0 When they got on the road, I was on the opposite side of the highway.

spk_0 I was like, oh, this they're, they're no one's coming out.

spk_0 No one was there.

spk_0 No one was gonna stop them.

spk_0 And then I just bolted.

spk_0 I sprinted for like a half a mile till they finally turned.

spk_0 They were within a foot away from getting me.

spk_0 If I would have slipped, I probably would have died.

spk_0 It was crazy.

spk_0 You were saying that scouts?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You guys need a kicker turner?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Come on.

spk_0 Yeah, come on.

spk_0 We got a J.J.

spk_0 I could take over.

spk_0 Come on.

spk_0 Or just you on putter turn?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Just put a dog.

spk_0 They just put a pipe in dog noises behind me.

spk_0 I got to start running.

spk_0 It's Jeffrey.

spk_0 The Delberman Asmus.

spk_0 I don't know if you ever seen this.

spk_0 It gets daylight.

spk_0 I think four dogs are chasing them.

spk_0 That guy is going to break into the house.

spk_0 Did you go back?

spk_0 I would single, I, when I got back, yeah.

spk_0 I mean, eventually they turned around.

spk_0 They kind of, they, they just gave up after about half a mile.

spk_0 Good job.

spk_0 I don't know if you ever put me in.

spk_0 If I hadn't been in good decent shape, I would have died.

spk_0 I would have been dead.

spk_0 It was crazy.

spk_0 A lot of comics would have been dead.

spk_0 I mean, it would have been good.

spk_0 It would have been a good moment.

spk_0 They could have, are you saying that?

spk_0 They could have fed the herd a little bit.

spk_0 Are you saying that's the new new faces?

spk_0 That's Delberman.

spk_0 You can outrun four Delbermans.

spk_0 You deserve to go to Montreal.

spk_0 Hey, congratulations on that clip.

spk_0 Hit in two million.

spk_0 It was great.

spk_0 Where are we going?

spk_0 It's real quick.

spk_0 This is from the, we're going to Mouston.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 This is Mouston with Mouston.

spk_0 What now run?

spk_0

spk_0 Tim Dilland didn't make it.

spk_0 Actually, he talked to Delbermans.

spk_0 He actually would talk to him now.

spk_0 He talked to him.

spk_0 I'll take you to the Hamptons.

spk_0 Oh, and you've never had Falk Walk.

spk_0 Stop looking at me like you never.

spk_0 Sit, sit, you sit.

spk_0 You're even cold fessin.

spk_0 You're even cold fessin' every time.

spk_0 What are you talking about?

spk_0 I bet you're getting kibble.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 Now we're talking different.

spk_0 How come you're a falk rock?

spk_0 Yeah, he's like, how about I get you duck?

spk_0 You're going to come with me.

spk_0 Tim walks in there, I'm walking in a line.

spk_0 Tim, like the reservoir dogs down the hall.

spk_0 You're going to fuck some of the hottest corkies you've ever seen.

spk_0 I'm going to be feeding you.

spk_0 Did you ever want to meet JD Vance?

spk_0 $1,000?

spk_0 You want to win 70, one of the queen's corkies?

spk_0 I got you.

spk_0 Get you a royal corkie.

spk_0 I'd actually watch that adventure movie.

spk_0 Tim Dylan and a Doverman going to the falk.

spk_0 Trying to get the royals.

spk_0 Yeah, that was great.

spk_0 Were they cloned?

spk_0 Who cloned their dogs?

spk_0 Strizane?

spk_0 Did they cloned?

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 I don't know about that.

spk_0 I think Barbara Strizane cloned her dogs.

spk_0 Are they able to clone things?

spk_0 I don't really.

spk_0 I don't know about that.

spk_0 You know what?

spk_0 Another thing.

spk_0 Why?

spk_0 Just buy a fucking dog.

spk_0 Make a relationship.

spk_0 So many orphan dogs.

spk_0 Get one of them.

spk_0 Make a relationship with a new dog.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You know what I think about that?

spk_0 It's like when you think...

spk_0 Oh, she cloned her dead dog because she wasn't over it.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 She was like, that's just let life happen.

spk_0 Come on.

spk_0 Let life happen.

spk_0 It was.

spk_0 What kind of dog did she reincarnate?

spk_0 That's one of those people.

spk_0 I don't know why she's famous.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 She was my...

spk_0 She's talented.

spk_0 You could sing her ass off.

spk_0 I don't know any of the music.

spk_0 I never heard it.

spk_0 If you watch it, Jay was raised by a Jewish single mom.

spk_0 So he would show me Barbara Streisand.

spk_0 Really?

spk_0 And that was my first year.

spk_0 And she does have a voice like butter.

spk_0

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 Oh, it's just like one of those.

spk_0 I'm just a Russian nesting doll of little dogs.

spk_0 Yeah, it's just like a little...

spk_0 By the way, these dogs...

spk_0 No offense, babs.

spk_0 That's not a one of a kind dogs.

spk_0 This is a dog.

spk_0 That's a dog I see everywhere.

spk_0 I can go find these in a five block radius in New York City.

spk_0 It's like 30 million.

spk_0 I'll be back with six.

spk_0 So many and so ho and Chelsea come on.

spk_0 So a squeaky dog.

spk_0 Yeah, that made it.

spk_0 Can influencers are cloning their dogs?

spk_0 That's one of the things.

spk_0 That's not the same.

spk_0 We should let them do it.

spk_0 And then when they get the dog, they should be shot.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You thought this was a good idea.

spk_0 You're out of the gene.

spk_0 Kristi Knome shows up and tells the dog.

spk_0 There we go.

spk_0 This isn't allowed to work.

spk_0 There we go.

spk_0 That's in the title of her contract that she didn't see.

spk_0 I want to shoot a dog.

spk_0 You have to shoot a dog every month.

spk_0 I just wanted to connect brown people.

spk_0 I don't know what I should do.

spk_0 I did that so long ago.

spk_0 I don't got my dog killing energy anymore.

spk_0 I think cloning a dog, it should have like pet cemetery rules.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 Where like the next ones even.

spk_0 They come back.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 You never know what you're going to get.

spk_0 Because they're not sleep.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You disrupted their soul.

spk_0 You should let their soul pass.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 You fucked with God's plan.

spk_0 Now the process.

spk_0 Now it will viciously attack you every time you try to rest.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 I sleep.

spk_0 Or else try to bite your cock off all your fingers.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You're like, why God is a head.

spk_0 It thinks there's always peanut butter on your penis.

spk_0 That's a weird thing.

spk_0 It comes back to you.

spk_0 It always sees it.

spk_0 Peanut butter everywhere.

spk_0 But even if the first time they brought the cloned dog home, I would be like.

spk_0 Wouldn't you be like, we buried you.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 What the move on.

spk_0 I mean, I had a dog I loved or we're moving on.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 I'm not going to get another beat.

spk_0 I was very sad when all the dogs I had grown up died.

spk_0 When you did.

spk_0

spk_0 I was eight.

spk_0 I was shook.

spk_0 That's like a five year old's dream.

spk_0 Let's clone it.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 That's not what adults think.

spk_0 Your parents aren't going to get back together.

spk_0 Your parents are dead.

spk_0 You didn't clone your parents, but you cloned your dog?

spk_0 I was right.

spk_0 Since parents are dead, she thought, we're going to clone the Cocker Spaniel first.

spk_0 I'm wondering if I would.

spk_0 I wouldn't.

spk_0 I wouldn't want to see my dad back.

spk_0 Oh no, no, no, no.

spk_0 When my parents are gone, they're gone.

spk_0 They're gone.

spk_0

spk_0 They had a good run.

spk_0 It's a part of life.

spk_0 Let it go.

spk_0 This is why shows don't end.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 Because we got the paper coming.

spk_0 Why are we doing an office reading paper?

spk_0 Come on.

spk_0 It was a great show.

spk_0 We don't need it.

spk_0 You guys had it.

spk_0 It's like when they bring stuff back.

spk_0 It's like when they brought Rose Ann back.

spk_0 It was like, oh, it's too not only.

spk_0 I'm not talking about her tweets.

spk_0 Who gives a shit.

spk_0 I'm talking about the show in general.

spk_0 It was not about specifically.

spk_0 They own this once when St. Germain and I sold the cartoon to peacock.

spk_0 That was someone else's IP.

spk_0 It was like owned by the WWE.

spk_0 It's Stone Cold.

spk_0 Oh yeah, yeah.

spk_0 I remember that.

spk_0 So we didn't own the intellectual property.

spk_0 That's a nightmare.

spk_0 People control that shit away.

spk_0 They don't change whatever you do.

spk_0 But they go Wyoming.

spk_0 They're branding.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And give me money.

spk_0 You want to use it.

spk_0 Give me money.

spk_0 And no, I don't like the thing you're making.

spk_0 So they can just control every aspect of it.

spk_0 It's just for the merchandising.

spk_0 That's why they do IP and stuff.

spk_0 Yeah, it's gross.

spk_0 And now they're Superman.

spk_0 Do we really need another Superman?

spk_0 Yeah, I don't know.

spk_0 They're doing another Batman.

spk_0 The resetting stuff.

spk_0 They're going to Simpson's movie.

spk_0 And I'm the biggest Simpson span on earth.

spk_0 We don't need it.

spk_0 You know what it is over?

spk_0 Simpsons feels like going to a family member's house

spk_0 where you don't know their dog still alive.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 And you go, oh no.

spk_0 Oh no.

spk_0 Look at his wife.

spk_0 Her still going.

spk_0 White Milky Eye.

spk_0 Or it's like your grandma who still plays an organ at church.

spk_0 She's 95.

spk_0 She's fucking up on Eagles wings.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Everyone's like, you know, you can get Holly Luya writing

spk_0 you more grandma.

spk_0 Come on.

spk_0 You know, we have to point for you to start.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You're not even listening to me.

spk_0 You got to know when to quit.

spk_0 But they don't with IP.

spk_0 They like just like Simpson stop.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It's I mean, the Simpson is my golden.

spk_0 That's what I love.

spk_0 4 through 11.

spk_0 4.

spk_0 May I go to 15.

spk_0 I think they were good till 15.

spk_0 I think the fumes go to 15.

spk_0 Every once in a while they have a good episode.

spk_0 I'll watch it every once in a while.

spk_0 They'll have like two great jokes at episode.

spk_0 I say, they went to they went to modern with the animation.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 That is to slick.

spk_0 Slick and smooth.

spk_0 And they'll still look like a child through it.

spk_0 That's the point.

spk_0 That's why South Park still hits.

spk_0 South Park never really.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Even when they got good.

spk_0 I remember when it was.

spk_0 It's when they got really good at showing violence.

spk_0 When the heads would blow off and the brains would come out or they would show fights and it

spk_0 would like see the cheek.

spk_0 They still kept their crude animation.

spk_0 It's so crude.

spk_0 For most of the parts.

spk_0 It's awesome.

spk_0 And they've been on fire this season.

spk_0 I haven't seen it but everyone's been raven about it.

spk_0 Is it good?

spk_0 Oh my god.

spk_0 I never I didn't want to believe the high.

spk_0 They do a Brawf Lofsky Israel episode.

spk_0 Oh really?

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 I'm having a little hard right now.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 Alright.

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spk_0 Did you do it?

spk_0 Did you beat me?

spk_0 T-ching.

spk_0 That's the sound of the money makes.

spk_0 Guys, everyone's banking online.

spk_0 No one's, you know, I know they said cash is king but I think that might have, maybe they meant cash app is king.

spk_0 Because that's what it is.

spk_0 You get cash app and you can share it.

spk_0 There's multiple hosts.

spk_0 You can also pay back friends, get five bucks from a friend.

spk_0 You know what I mean?

spk_0 If someone owes you money, be like download cash app.

spk_0 Then give me my money.

spk_0 You could request it.

spk_0 Write down to the exact cent.

spk_0 And then boom, it gives it to you.

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spk_0 Visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures.

spk_0 When Stavros was on the podcast, he called me a South Park libertarian and I never agreed with something more.

spk_0 That's not a bad. That's not a bad political party.

spk_0 I do think that's how I politically affiliate.

spk_0 And they're not because they're not regular libertarians. They're different.

spk_0 Libertarians are like, well, they're Republicans.

spk_0 Libertarians are Republicans.

spk_0 Right, right, yeah, yeah, exactly.

spk_0 What I like is that train mat.

spk_0 They really do like see the bullshit of both Republicans and the Democrats.

spk_0 They see like what you want.

spk_0 If you want a party that goes these two suck, can we get a new one?

spk_0 Can we get a new one?

spk_0

spk_0 We have any like Canada has.

spk_0 Sweden, UK, all of the other parts.

spk_0 All of Scandinavia.

spk_0 Pretty much every first world country.

spk_0 Every first world country.

spk_0 Yeah, like seven guys.

spk_0 And then they have to run on policy.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 Because they can't like.

spk_0 They can't do the ad hominem.

spk_0 Like blue is bad. Red is bad.

spk_0 Yeah, it's just to like.

spk_0 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

spk_0 You need like context.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 You need context for people to go, I don't know, man.

spk_0 I think that's kind of crazy.

spk_0 But it is. It's convenience.

spk_0 That's why this political system is what it is.

spk_0 Straight up because it convenience.

spk_0 People are just like, I voted red my whole life.

spk_0 I ain't gonna stop now.

spk_0 Red blood.

spk_0

spk_0 It's crazy.

spk_0 And like George Washington, he said don't have parties.

spk_0 That was like his big thing.

spk_0 We saw what he died.

spk_0 He's like, don't do political parties.

spk_0 And then we did it immediately.

spk_0 And they were like, don't make the president too big of a deal.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 And the whole point of America was that the president had almost no power.

spk_0 And they're like, what should be King?

spk_0 He's like, we just fucked that.

spk_0 And then they're like, no, no, no, he's like, I'll be president.

spk_0 But don't take it too seriously.

spk_0 And then 250 years later, we're like, what about a king though?

spk_0 What about a king?

spk_0 Have we thought about a king?

spk_0 I think we're a bit bold in the White House.

spk_0 That was one of the funniest things where I am one of those moments that something's funny

spk_0 that when you try to get someone who is into Trump to laugh about it, when they don't laugh about that,

spk_0 it's kind of a bummer.

spk_0 The same way when liberals wouldn't laugh about how old Biden is, we go, come on.

spk_0 When he was like, when he's lingering on, he's clearly had dementia.

spk_0 That was sad.

spk_0 That like, that debate when I couldn't get some of my friends that are very liberal to be like,

spk_0 he just didn't, he didn't nap long enough before he had a bad T.

spk_0 That's right.

spk_0 They're like making excuses the way that like fans of sports when the guy has a bad outing

spk_0 where they go, it's not the drug use.

spk_0 He's fine.

spk_0 It's not being 83 and overworked and been politics for 50 straight years.

spk_0 And pandering to the fucking world.

spk_0 The fighting was bad.

spk_0 It was overhead lighting.

spk_0 You can't deal with overhead lining.

spk_0 It's his weakness.

spk_0 And that's when I feel like when Trump does something and you want your friends on the right to go,

spk_0 that's hilariously crazy.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 It was when he was like, I don't know, maybe we joined the UK.

spk_0 And you're like, did he say that?

spk_0 I can't even keep up with everything.

spk_0 That was the very beginning of this term.

spk_0 Jesus Christ.

spk_0 When he was tossing around, he did it back.

spk_0 It's the 51st day.

spk_0 Oh, he's like maybe we joined the UK.

spk_0 Because they were going to do the tariffs.

spk_0 And you're like, as someone that pays surface level attention to politics, that was just funny.

spk_0 As a comic, you're like, that's funny.

spk_0 And then you say, I think the problem.

spk_0 You would hope that everyone finds it funny.

spk_0 Some people are like, it's actually a pretty good idea.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Or actually, help the occurrence.

spk_0 What sucks about the internet is you can find someone to agree with you on anything.

spk_0 And that's not how society works.

spk_0 You should be like, you used to be like a little loser and fucking Albany.

spk_0 And you're the one white supremacist in town.

spk_0 And now you got your little network on there.

spk_0 That's what I mean.

spk_0 You hook up with all these guys who also think the moon is flat or whatever.

spk_0 And then you're just, you should have to be alone.

spk_0 I think or make a point.

spk_0 Or make a point.

spk_0 Or go into a bar and be like, I don't know, I kind of think this way.

spk_0 And someone could go, I see where you're coming.

spk_0 And then someone massages you should have to go into a crowded bar

spk_0 and convince people to agree with you.

spk_0 If you can't do that in like, Mauston, Wisconsin, you don't believe in it.

spk_0 Not these 20 to one gang bang.

spk_0 Are you?

spk_0 On those Jew believe videos?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 That's just gang bang.

spk_0 At 20, I don't get that.

spk_0 It's gang bang.

spk_0 It's a gang bang.

spk_0 Everything is porn culture, but it's not allowed to be porn.

spk_0 It's all porn with the fucking.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 That's all it is.

spk_0 I was trying to do this as a bit, but it really wasn't working because I don't think people were understanding what I was saying.

spk_0 But it works.

spk_0 I don't know if Jew believes as popular for a standup bit, but I think on here yet.

spk_0 Like if you understand, but I was saying it's a climax.

spk_0 It's gooning.

spk_0 It's gooning at its highest form.

spk_0 Oh, yeah, I get a fucking argue with her.

spk_0 Oh, yeah, you hate white people too.

spk_0 Oh, fuck it.

spk_0 Say it.

spk_0 Say what I want to say.

spk_0 Say the statistics.

spk_0 And then fuck it.

spk_0 And I'll say other statistics that go against yours.

spk_0 And we'll accomplish nothing.

spk_0 The right.

spk_0 Rub your statistics up against my statistics.

spk_0 Oh, fuck, I mean.

spk_0 I will make a lot from monetization.

spk_0 It'll make thousands of dollars.

spk_0 It's the same with the helping videos.

spk_0 Oh, like it's telling you how to do something on Adobe Premiere or something they're teaching you.

spk_0 No, no.

spk_0 It'll be like woodworking.

spk_0 It's like the glasses that film.

spk_0 Oh, I don't think that.

spk_0 And they, it'll cross your algorithm.

spk_0 I know that I've said it in the microphones.

spk_0 It'll cross your algorithm.

spk_0 Wait, there's glasses that film.

spk_0 I'm really anti-tech.

spk_0 I don't know the new stuff.

spk_0 So they walk up on someone and it's usually someone down and out like a homeless person.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It'll be like, hey, do you have a dollar?

spk_0 And they always score it with sad music.

spk_0 Like, yeah, they asked the homeless guy if he had a dollar.

spk_0 And they'll be like, yeah, man, I got a dollar.

spk_0 He's like, sorry, or they'll walk up with something like my car broke down.

spk_0 I really need a dollar.

spk_0 I'm missing a dollar and then I'll, I can, you know what I mean?

spk_0 Uh-huh.

spk_0 And they go, well, hell, brother, I got a dollar.

spk_0 And they're like, what are you doing?

spk_0 He's like, I lost my leg to dad Beaties and trying to get my lights not turned off.

spk_0 And the guy will go, thank you for that dollar.

spk_0 Here's $100,000.

spk_0 And I'm going to go pay your light bill and he's like, what do you mean?

spk_0

spk_0 Dude, these are real things.

spk_0 Do they actually give him $100,000?

spk_0

spk_0 They'll give him a fucking bag of money and then they like, there's one I saw where the guy gives the guy a truck.

spk_0 He's like, well, I'll walk to work.

spk_0 And he's like, I don't think you walk to work anymore.

spk_0 I think you take a truck and you're like, this is kindness porn.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 This is a hundred percent.

spk_0 Because they're monetizing it.

spk_0 They're more money to do it, I guess.

spk_0 This piece of delivery guy is not fucking this housewife.

spk_0 These are two porn actors on a set with lighting and a director.

spk_0 This guy probably didn't serve in Vietnam.

spk_0 No.

spk_0 This guy probably didn't think.

spk_0 This guy where he gets up and he's like, no, do you think the next time I could be?

spk_0 He's a failed actor.

spk_0 He did one episode of growing pains in the 80s.

spk_0 And he's just looking at her work.

spk_0 He's like, yeah, yeah.

spk_0 She was a bitch.

spk_0 I played the shopkeeper in an episode and he goes and I'm a fucker.

spk_0 Yeah, I'm a fucker.

spk_0 I'm pretty sure Billy Ray wanted to fuck me.

spk_0 But they, and then they go and they do these like things.

spk_0 It's like Mr. Beast asked, okay.

spk_0 He says it more like Bill Todd.

spk_0 He's porn.

spk_0 I get told I look like him all the time.

spk_0 You look like he is.

spk_0 I get told all Mr. Beast does comedy all the time.

spk_0 You look like his brother that doesn't speak to him.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And he's.

spk_0 Me and Beast don't speak anymore.

spk_0

spk_0 My name's Jeffrey Beast.

spk_0 I no longer talk to my brother.

spk_0 What's his name?

spk_0 I don't even know what his name is.

spk_0 I actually don't know anything.

spk_0 My name is Jeffrey Beast.

spk_0 I'm the beast.

spk_0 We had a falling out after he tried to fix 100 cleft lips in an hour.

spk_0 I said that was too far.

spk_0 I said no.

spk_0 Let them be more.

spk_0 No one will watch that.

spk_0 Mark them by God.

spk_0 If God makes them blind.

spk_0 Yes, it's beauty.

spk_0 You should have fixed God's blemishes.

spk_0 God never makes them asleep.

spk_0 What can I say?

spk_0 I don't talk to my brother because he locked me in a house for 100 days.

spk_0 Didn't he just do that lock up guy in a burning house or something?

spk_0 I need to pull the money out.

spk_0 Oh, he had to pull the money out.

spk_0 Dude, when you watch the video, he's going in and pulling money out and you go.

spk_0 Late stage capitalism might be.

spk_0 We'll do anything for money.

spk_0 To most entertaining things.

spk_0 It is.

spk_0 The fall is entertaining.

spk_0 No doubt.

spk_0 I understand that with our fall of society, when we're dead,

spk_0 Pat and Oswald used to have a great joke about dying at the end of the world is cool.

spk_0 When you go to heaven, you get to brag to everyone else.

spk_0 I was there.

spk_0 Fire shoot as I had to.

spk_0 I'm pretty sure that's an old patented.

spk_0 That's great.

spk_0 But it does make me think of like it is our collapse of our society of like seeing Romans and

spk_0 being like, you know, I was like, what would I have done as Rome was burning?

spk_0 You would have been in the fall of the world.

spk_0 I was doing the Omaha funny bone.

spk_0 That's what I would have been doing.

spk_0 You would have been doing like the, the, the Venetian like speaking circle.

spk_0 Oh yeah, yeah, right.

spk_0 I'd be, yeah, I'd be the guy, the comedian at the orgy.

spk_0 Yeah, Sean Murphy and I went and saw, we're at Pittsburgh Improv or you know,

spk_0 I don't know what you're talking about, but we were, so we walked across that movie theater at the Pittsburgh Improv and we watched

spk_0 Gladiator 2.

spk_0 Oh wow.

spk_0 Was it any good?

spk_0 No.

spk_0 No way.

spk_0 Yeah, but there's this scene where they're like Denzel and everybody is like with all the people that bet on the fighters.

spk_0 Oh, they were, they were into draft Kings back then.

spk_0 Yeah, they were deep.

spk_0 It's Caesar's Palace.

spk_0 Yeah, yeah.

spk_0 Get the right guy.

spk_0 That was a better rip.

spk_0 Cut it.

spk_0 We're in a punch out.

spk_0 Cut it out.

spk_0 We're in a punch out.

spk_0 So we go, and there's a part in the movie where they're all talking and then there's these like, I might have brought this part up before on a previous episode.

spk_0 I did.

spk_0 But there's like, I just want to tell Jeff it.

spk_0 So I'm sorry listeners if you remember this, but Jeff needs to hear this.

spk_0 Come on, let me know.

spk_0 I need to learn.

spk_0 But there's a scene where there's these like two gay guys covered in glitter and they're playing.

spk_0 Oh, the woke mob got to Gladiator 2 also.

spk_0 But they're playing hearts and they're like, and the king and the sparrow or whatever.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And Sean and I were both like, that's comedians in Rome.

spk_0 That is.

spk_0 That's what they did.

spk_0 We were minstrels.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 We all had to know how to play the ukulele or the mandolin.

spk_0 And you just be like, and the story of the king.

spk_0 And the king charles your enemy is a big queer man.

spk_0 And he sucks.

spk_0 I heard he doesn't like pussy.

spk_0 I heard your cock is big, Mike.

spk_0 And I'd love to see it one day.

spk_0 We're close to getting back there.

spk_0 Oh, there's going to be.

spk_0 They're doing UFC at the White House.

spk_0 It's the same thing.

spk_0 Right stage capitalism is great.

spk_0 All the same.

spk_0 But here's the deal.

spk_0 You guys can be like, oh my god.

spk_0 There will be a hype video that will make you feel something.

spk_0 For the fight.

spk_0 For when they get the octagon set in the ring.

spk_0 I'm telling you right now they're going to make a hype video.

spk_0 They have Pelosi fight McConnell.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 That's what they got to do.

spk_0 If you want to fucking get me to buy the ticket.

spk_0 You're going to turn us into like this bizarre like.

spk_0 Not trying to watch the hotel fest.

spk_0 I don't care about the actual UFC fight.

spk_0 Get AOC against Pete Hegseth or something.

spk_0 I mean, he says, we're ruined.

spk_0 Hegseth would ruin her.

spk_0 That would be a terrible fight.

spk_0 But I wouldn't mind seeing Marjorie Taylor Green versus AOC.

spk_0 That's a better fight.

spk_0 That's a much better fight.

spk_0 I mean, I mean, I'm on verse bober.

spk_0 Oh, yeah.

spk_0 Oh yeah.

spk_0 Ilan against Bober.

spk_0 There ain't no.

spk_0 I would love it.

spk_0 I'm thinking.

spk_0 I'm taking a match card all day.

spk_0 This could be good.

spk_0 I'm thinking Gavin Newsom against.

spk_0 He could go.

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 He's not that strong.

spk_0 I think maybe Newsom.

spk_0 Unless he.

spk_0 I can't really do in BJJ.

spk_0 I think he's fairly weak.

spk_0 I hate to say.

spk_0 I don't think he's a really strong guy.

spk_0 I think you know who would surprise us as booted-taste.

spk_0 Booted-taste.

spk_0 I think he could have a bit of a fitterman too.

spk_0 He wouldn't remember.

spk_0 No, he's got CTA.

spk_0 He's, but that's fine.

spk_0 He knows the fight.

spk_0 I don't know if you've ever seen him.

spk_0 He walks around like, oh, he's not there anymore.

spk_0 Yeah, he's drooling everywhere.

spk_0 It'd be, it'd be, it'd be, he could fight.

spk_0 I think he could get the fight instant.

spk_0 You just put a black person in front of him.

spk_0 He'll try to attack him.

spk_0 I think he's like a hodor.

spk_0 He has like a hodor thing left in him.

spk_0 I think, but I would love to see a, a Pelosi,

spk_0 who's a old lady on the other side.

spk_0 Um, yeah, I don't know.

spk_0 I don't even know in party fighting Pelosi,

spk_0 Pelosi finds time.

spk_0 Oh, that'd be great.

spk_0 No, if I say died with Pelosi, when there we go,

spk_0 she died like a year ago.

spk_0 Yeah, she did.

spk_0 That's how you know the oldest shit.

spk_0 Here's a point that is embarrassing.

spk_0 She's like, she's not going to make the vote tonight.

spk_0 I don't like, San Francisco.

spk_0 She's representing you.

spk_0

spk_0 One of the most liberal cities

spk_0 and they got her.

spk_0 They have to be the oldest lady of all time.

spk_0 She's like, I've got a dangerous idea.

spk_0 We let the homeless close.

spk_0 We kicked the Irish out.

spk_0 That's the old racism.

spk_0 Yeah, I'll tell you who I don't like.

spk_0 It's those whoops out of there.

spk_0 There's Protestants are bothering me.

spk_0 Do you?

spk_0 I think the problem is Janet X didn't step up.

spk_0 Gen X is a forgotten generation.

spk_0 You guys they coasted.

spk_0 They coasted off a pretty good ride.

spk_0 The hippies did a good job getting some rights in the 60s.

spk_0 They should be in power right now.

spk_0 It should be what is Gen X like 40 to 60 maybe?

spk_0 There are it's something to I think 81.

spk_0 Oh, so it's a born in the eight.

spk_0 Oh, 68 to 81.

spk_0 61 to 68 to 81.

spk_0 Okay, so they'd be about 65 to eight.

spk_0 Okay, so they'd be about 60 years old.

spk_0 Yeah, I mean, this is a 40 60.

spk_0 Yeah, we haven't had it before because I believe it.

spk_0 Yeah, who's a big politician in the 45 to 60 range?

spk_0 Ted Cruz.

spk_0 Yeah, I guess.

spk_0 Yeah, I'd like to see him fight.

spk_0 I was like, he magic.

spk_0 I knew some.

spk_0 I don't know news.

spk_0 I think he could win.

spk_0 I know some could could.

spk_0 Do you ever see the one where Cruz played basketball

spk_0 and fucking balled out?

spk_0 God, can he?

spk_0 Yeah, I think he's a lover.

spk_0 Yeah, I hate to see that.

spk_0 What about Beto?

spk_0 Maybe Beto could get in there.

spk_0 Hit him with a skateboard.

spk_0 Beto, Beto.

spk_0 I think he's got a little punk rock energy though.

spk_0 Yeah, but he's a loser.

spk_0 He's a loser.

spk_0 He can't win.

spk_0 You know, get him there.

spk_0 He's not going to win.

spk_0 That is true.

spk_0 He should do the UFC card.

spk_0 That would be, we would all enjoy that.

spk_0 I don't think there would be an amazing.

spk_0 We want to pass the budget win in the fight who wins the card.

spk_0 It's like Ryder Cup for like that way.

spk_0 Like match play.

spk_0 It's like you got to dude.

spk_0 You want to get your bridge built in Michigan?

spk_0 Win a fight.

spk_0 Go, local fights.

spk_0 Let's go.

spk_0 No, this pork barrel shit.

spk_0 Can you suffocate the rival state senator?

spk_0 Fuck your filibuster.

spk_0 I don't care if you could talk for 36 hours.

spk_0 Cut off their win pipe.

spk_0 Oh my God.

spk_0 Dude, you got a deal of MTG going.

spk_0 Really?

spk_0 Yeah, I've seen Files when someone did a show.

spk_0 On Matt Gaetz.

spk_0 Yeah, I think.

spk_0 And I think he goes, I think I should just look at CrossFit.

spk_0 And he's like, I'm not going to release the files.

spk_0 Redact them all.

spk_0 And unredact them.

spk_0 And he's like, you don't know.

spk_0 Yeah, no, that would be much.

spk_0 If you're going to take politics and turn into sports.

spk_0 Go all the way.

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spk_0 This is the first year Gen X out numbers make them a senator

spk_0 or whatever.

spk_0 And the house represent.

spk_0

spk_0 I'm not bad.

spk_0 Gen X.

spk_0 You guys talked a lot of shit in the 90s.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 They made great music, but they kind of dropped the ball

spk_0 on social values.

spk_0 I don't know, man.

spk_0 The music is that that might have been it.

spk_0 Oh, baby, the Senate too, which is the important one.

spk_0 No offense.

spk_0 House representative.

spk_0 She's kind of, you know what's funny is you watch people

spk_0 in the House of Representatives below up their shit

spk_0 to get a Senate seat.

spk_0 Were they like, be there and they'll go.

spk_0 They have to throw the other guy in from Kansas under the bus.

spk_0 They're like, oh, I saw I'm talking to a gay guy once.

spk_0 You're not going to want him as your senator.

spk_0 There you go.

spk_0 That for a Senate?

spk_0

spk_0 Anything.

spk_0 Or like Democrats will be like, you use the N word once.

spk_0 I'm stepping forward.

spk_0 Not me.

spk_0 I've never used it.

spk_0 Never even in a rap song.

spk_0 Yeah, dude.

spk_0 But I think maybe we get AI politicians.

spk_0 You know, if we're not going to get good human ones,

spk_0 I guess, keep Zoran and then AI only otherwise.

spk_0 Or what if Zoran is a robot?

spk_0 Is anyone work there?

spk_0 That's the robot future I'm in.

spk_0 How is Zoran on Zoran?

spk_0 Here's what sucks about it because the right drives home points

spk_0 better than the left.

spk_0 They're way better at propaganda.

spk_0 There's way better at it.

spk_0 Well, the left comes up with something and then they go,

spk_0 I don't know if I could do that.

spk_0 And then the right goes, I'm going to take that.

spk_0 The left has like one percent of integrity.

spk_0 They're like, ah, maybe not in the right side.

spk_0 We'll do it.

spk_0 Just enough to lose.

spk_0 Just enough to lose everything.

spk_0 Two percent integrity.

spk_0 What?

spk_0 The right.

spk_0 How are they not calling Mamdani AI already?

spk_0 They are.

spk_0 Oh, that means they're still going through the race stuff.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 They're not going to get to robot for a while.

spk_0 They got religion, race, immigrants, they're not.

spk_0 He's brown and is religion.

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 What did Eric Adams call him?

spk_0 Mum's scrawny.

spk_0 That's correct.

spk_0 That was not bad.

spk_0 That's true.

spk_0 Trump says that there are two N words and you can't use either of them.

spk_0 He said nuclear, nuclear, nuclear.

spk_0

spk_0 That's what he said.

spk_0 The other one.

spk_0 Nuclear and the other and I say it.

spk_0 I can't.

spk_0 I go out.

spk_0 I can't use a nuclear.

spk_0 Because he was talking, this is when he was addressing the generals.

spk_0 Oh, oh, you can't use nuclear weapons.

spk_0 Okay, okay.

spk_0 Yeah, I don't know, man.

spk_0 It's, it's at this point right now where I'm like,

spk_0 was there always a big meeting today with the generals?

spk_0 I didn't read about the God.

spk_0 You can't keep up.

spk_0 You can't keep up with it all.

spk_0 Well, it's almost like.

spk_0 It's almost pointless.

spk_0 This is what happens when you get an influencer brain in the White House where it's just like,

spk_0 I remember not hearing from the president until the state of the union.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 You're like, oh, once a year.

spk_0 What's he going to sound like?

spk_0 Yeah, what's going on?

spk_0

spk_0 And now you're like every day.

spk_0 Well, he's campaigning every day.

spk_0 But it's all, but it's been that way since social meeting.

spk_0 Probably.

spk_0 But Obama, people want to, they lovingly go like,

spk_0 Obama's the first social media president and you go,

spk_0 we'll change.

spk_0 He was the guy giving us his iPod playlist.

spk_0 He's like, I put a little wearing on this year.

spk_0 Oh, come on.

spk_0 Maybe DM me.

spk_0 Maybe you'll forgive me for bombing a Pakistani wedding.

spk_0 I like, I listened to, let the beat bill off the Carter three.

spk_0 I was listening to cash money as I was drowning Yemen.

spk_0 Because you're going to need some cash money to drown Yemen.

spk_0 Because those, because those plans, those little tiny plans.

spk_0 Land free.

spk_0 Thank you.

spk_0 Cash money is an army to Navy.

spk_0 Now it's got drones.

spk_0 That's a big line.

spk_0 Obama's just being like, drone them.

spk_0 Yeah, I know.

spk_0 The thing that I, the, the like everyone getting super into politics now

spk_0 feels like when everybody got into something that we shouldn't get into.

spk_0 Where you're like, it was like kale.

spk_0 Where it was like, kale was good when it was only for hippie people.

spk_0 That way, like in it.

spk_0 And then it got like shoved down our rights.

spk_0 Like now all politics and all comedians try to get into politics.

spk_0 It says like maybe you just talk about dating.

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 Maybe you're not the politics guy.

spk_0 It's fun to joke around with you about it and talk about it.

spk_0 I mean, I talk about politics on stage.

spk_0 But you're going to think I'm decently intelligent.

spk_0 I hate to.

spk_0 Well, I will say go watch his new special, a perfect hour of standup on YouTube.

spk_0 Please watch film that the wonderful Sacramento punchline.

spk_0 Best comedy club.

spk_0 It might be the best comedy club.

spk_0 I don't know why.

spk_0 I don't know why it's close enough to San Francisco to be liberal.

spk_0 And it's rural enough to have.

spk_0 I think it's got a little bit of it's got purple sores.

spk_0 Yeah, it's got like meth sores all over it.

spk_0 And they come in.

spk_0 They have to walk past the mattress store.

spk_0 And they realize.

spk_0 Yeah, it's done a great location.

spk_0 But the room's beautiful.

spk_0 I think I've done three or four shows there.

spk_0 They're probably three of the five best shows that I've done.

spk_0 The staff is unbelievable.

spk_0 The staff is so nice.

spk_0 Yeah, my special on YouTube.

spk_0 It's just one unedited set from Sacramento punchline.

spk_0 But it's great.

spk_0 But the thing I love about it is you're one of those guys that can talk about it.

spk_0 You can talk about politics, but you always have a punchline.

spk_0 It's never just you.

spk_0 Yeah, I really, yeah, I try not to do it.

spk_0 You get a little, you know, like with, I think when anyone gets political,

spk_0 especially for someone like me, I'm like, I'll be riding it and I'll be like,

spk_0 eh, eh, eh.

spk_0 Where's the joke?

spk_0 Yeah, I think you hit a punch on it.

spk_0 There's got to be a joke every 20 seconds.

spk_0 And this ought to be, I mean, I was, the celebrity culture shit was great.

spk_0 Oh, thank you.

spk_0 I really enjoy that bit.

spk_0 The joke about what's JLo's secret.

spk_0 And it's like she's never had a friend move.

spk_0 She never had a friend move.

spk_0 But I think you make a great point.

spk_0 Let's beauty pageants should be the people that work.

spk_0 It should be the people who like, like they're like, I, what's the guy's name?

spk_0 Harry Styles are like, oh, he ran a marathon recently.

spk_0 I'm not impressed.

spk_0 I don't give a shit.

spk_0 Find me the Walmart greeter who only eats beans who ran a marathon.

spk_0 I want to find the impressive.

spk_0 Find me the hot lady that works at an Amazon warehouse.

spk_0 Yeah, see if she has time to train.

spk_0 You, oh, you're just out in the lot.

spk_0 What is her secret?

spk_0 Yeah, exactly.

spk_0 How does she look? Yeah, how does she look good?

spk_0 She works just like a post office.

spk_0 She's just like a post office.

spk_0 But I know her in Sanchez, Bezos's wife has all the money to get chopped up.

spk_0 Of course.

spk_0 I want to see one of the ladies that works in the Tacoma fulfillment center.

spk_0 Exactly.

spk_0 But she's just hot as hell.

spk_0 She just dies in a zero waste.

spk_0 And she just says, just never knew how to use her body.

spk_0 She never thought about selling out.

spk_0 Or she just came from a dirt poor place.

spk_0 She just said, I just work.

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 I got a husband who's supposed to work.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Modeling ain't real work.

spk_0 It's like, I want to find those people.

spk_0 Exactly.

spk_0 I'm not impressed when celebrities are hot.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It does, I don't care.

spk_0 You have a team, you have a nutritionist.

spk_0 But you see like a hot barista, you're like, that's cool.

spk_0 That's sick.

spk_0 You make $10 an hour in your hot.

spk_0 I go through two emotions.

spk_0 I go through the emotion of like, that is so cool that you just make it fucking Starbucks

spk_0 paying your gorgeous.

spk_0 You still find a way.

spk_0 But I also buy all the fucking products and stuff.

spk_0 Then my second thought is, what did you fuck up so bad?

spk_0 Like, it's like when you see a hot girl's Instagram and you're like, why do you only

spk_0 have 400 followers?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You're posting thirst traps and they get 20 likes.

spk_0 Who did you fuck over?

spk_0 You must have the worst personality of all time.

spk_0 What does someone know about you that I don't?

spk_0 Yeah, you must have killed a child in high school.

spk_0 You ran over a kid.

spk_0 Because it's amazing to me.

spk_0 I saw a guy working the gate at, I think it might have been Minneapolis.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 The Delta that you're like, dude, you're a male model.

spk_0 You should not be here.

spk_0 You're like, his bone structure was immaculate, his hair was like a thot.

spk_0 I think kind of like being the hottest guy at the airport though.

spk_0 They're like, I'm the hottest TSA agent and I'm sure every woman tries to fuck them.

spk_0 You want to be the big fish little pun.

spk_0 It's like people who do comedy and demoying and they never move.

spk_0 It's like, I'm the king of demoying.

spk_0 Come through and I bear you.

spk_0 I got 20 minutes on a local mall and I got suburb jokes that are going to kill.

spk_0 You bring openers.

spk_0 I have like three or four guys I bring with now.

spk_0 But when you were first headlining, did you ever get the guys trying to bear you?

spk_0 A lot of, I got a, I get a lot of local openers who a lot of people don't understand my comedy.

spk_0 They think I'm just like dark and dirty.

spk_0 So the openers like, I'm going to do my darkest, sickest jokes for you.

spk_0 It's like, yeah, but that's be funny.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You can't just go up there and be like, rip child.

spk_0 I'm like, that's it.

spk_0 You have to have a joke that happens all the time.

spk_0 The funniest example of that is Big J.

spk_0 Yeah, I'm sure people try to be f-fifty and funny.

spk_0 I don't care if you just do 10 minutes on yogurt.

spk_0 Just be funny.

spk_0 The joke that he needs you to do my shit.

spk_0 The line that Big J says that I think of this whenever it's brought up is when they'll do a joke and they'll be like, yeah,

spk_0 and then I'm sucking on his baby nuts and then gets no laughs and they go, f-f-f-you don't like that one.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 So you see your headliner and he's like, I don't fucking, I got jokes.

spk_0 And then Big J goes up there and kills because he has jokes.

spk_0 He's a guy for 30 years.

spk_0 But it's just so funny that I do like, if you don't like me.

spk_0 Yeah, you're in for a lot with the headline.

spk_0 Feel like me, I'm eight months into comedy.

spk_0 You're not going to like your seasoned vet who gets up here.

spk_0 And I get that because you just want to be a part of it, but it is really funny.

spk_0 The ones that always blew my mind on the comedy were the guys that were like actively like, I'm going to put you in a bad place.

spk_0 Oh, man, your headlining long island.

spk_0 Very big, long live bat.

spk_0 Long island is very big.

spk_0 Other clubs, there's been some funny bones all the-

spk_0 I thought those clubs were the staff will be like, oh, pizza the best we got.

spk_0 Yeah, pizza the best comic and Bakersville.

spk_0 And then Peacos up there and does like eight minutes on Monica Lewinsky.

spk_0 Yeah, I got it.

spk_0 But then he'll also just the thing that always gets me is it's the in-depth knowledge.

spk_0 The local knowledge.

spk_0 You're like, oh, that you must be from Ankeny.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Oh, fuck.

spk_0 Holy shit.

spk_0 That people are from Ankeny.

spk_0 Oh, fuck, they drive like shit.

spk_0 They fuck their system.

spk_0 No one knows how to drive here.

spk_0 No, fun.

spk_0 We're the only state that says that.

spk_0 I did that once.

spk_0 I did that kind of joke like I do those all the time.

spk_0 I think they're funny.

spk_0 I always ask what's the town you guys should on here.

spk_0 But I think it's funny.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 The Sacramento punchline one time.

spk_0 Oh, well, you're from there around there.

spk_0 Well, my grandma lived near there and I was like, what are you guys from clearly?

spk_0 And then I did it and I felt the part of my soul.

spk_0 Did they lose their minds?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And I felt the part of my soul.

spk_0 I think that shit's so fun.

spk_0 Me and my, I don't know if you know Tommy Brennan is.

spk_0 He just on SNL.

spk_0 Yeah, well, you lost an opener.

spk_0 You know, I lost one of my openers.

spk_0 There we go.

spk_0 He's going to leap-prug me and I'll be opening for him probably any year.

spk_0 You're going to tell you right now.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It's the shame plan.

spk_0 Oh, right.

spk_0 There we go.

spk_0 It's fantastic.

spk_0 That's not bad.

spk_0 Then what happens is they go get arenas.

spk_0 And then all you do is 10 minutes for two fingers.

spk_0 And then that's great.

spk_0 The pressure's off.

spk_0 He gets all the pressure.

spk_0 That's not bad.

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 He's got to talk to the entire offensive line of the Cincinnati Bengals.

spk_0 I get the VUGGIN play Xbox and smoke weed.

spk_0 That's not a bad deal.

spk_0 It's fucking great.

spk_0 Tommy's off.

spk_0 Me and Tommy is telling.

spk_0 I'm going to embrace it brother.

spk_0 It's sick.

spk_0 No.

spk_0 Me and Steven thing.

spk_0 We always joke about doing those local references.

spk_0 We think that's funny.

spk_0 And then Tommy did a show somewhere in I think Dubuque, Iowa.

spk_0 And he was like, he asked the bar turn.

spk_0 Like, what's the town to shit on?

spk_0 And she's like, a waterloo.

spk_0 Shit on waterloo.

spk_0 And he kept saying waterloo, Iowa.

spk_0 Oh, is that really the name?

spk_0 He kept saying the name waterloo and the crowd was like, ah, he kept doing like this.

spk_0 At least we're not in fucking waterloo.

spk_0 And the crowd like didn't like it.

spk_0 Because apparently waterloo is like the only small town in the Midwest.

spk_0 It's like largely black.

spk_0 Oh, that's so.

spk_0 So it sounded like he was just being insanely racist.

spk_0 It's like a weird black factory town in Iowa.

spk_0 And the bartender was half black and she was kind of like pranking him.

spk_0 And the crowd just fucking hated him the whole show.

spk_0 What?

spk_0 We're racist, but we're not that racist.

spk_0 Hold on now.

spk_0 Oh, no, no.

spk_0 You leave the racist math with the show.

spk_0 I played baseball with one of them fellas.

spk_0 They're not.

spk_0 He's a good man.

spk_0 They're well spoken.

spk_0 Articulate.

spk_0 Hard work.

spk_0 And I'd like to shake their hands.

spk_0 And as long as they stay in waterloo, it's okay.

spk_0 It's because in their mind, in that moment, they were the town going no racism.

spk_0 They're like, you Yankee, you stay out of here.

spk_0 It'll make one of our black town.

spk_0 It'll make one of my blood.

spk_0 It's just.

spk_0 Then that of course like, whoop, whoop.

spk_0 That's.

spk_0 When did he find out after the show the bartender was like laughing?

spk_0 Like I should have told you man.

spk_0 I should have told you waterloo is the black town.

spk_0 Oh my god.

spk_0 It's a strange quirk of Midwest geography.

spk_0 But I remember doing that, asking I had a joke about hookers when I first started in Tucson.

spk_0 Aren't you returning to the homeland this weekend?

spk_0 Yeah, doing both.

spk_0 Doing Tucson in Denver.

spk_0 That's go.

spk_0 Big shows.

spk_0 I'm very excited to do the real toe.

spk_0 I hope it went really well.

spk_0 This came out after.

spk_0 Oh right.

spk_0 It went fucking awesome.

spk_0 What a show.

spk_0 Thank you, Tucson.

spk_0 Thank you, Denver.

spk_0 But it was like when I was in Tucson, I was like doing this joke about hookers and miracle mile.

spk_0 I was like where you would get the hookers.

spk_0 So you like lean into that.

spk_0 Of course.

spk_0 Fresh in the car.

spk_0 Oh my god.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You just like I did so many cheese curd Wisconsin jokes and shit.

spk_0 It's not a medicine.

spk_0 I went up to Tempe, the Tempe and proctor.

spk_0 And you do the miracle mile and they're like, what?

spk_0 I was like, where do you get your hookers?

spk_0 And the guy was like, what?

spk_0 It probably just looked like I wanted hookers.

spk_0 Oh god.

spk_0 That's so funny.

spk_0 At least you tried to change it.

spk_0 I did.

spk_0 Because starting in Madison, all these New York comics would come to Madison.

spk_0 They'd like do jokes about riding the subway.

spk_0 It's always amazing.

spk_0 They'd be like, oh, the G-trains kind of crazy these days is like these are like farmers and welders.

spk_0 Like you got to change your act, man.

spk_0 That's the one thing big city comics don't realize when they don't leave the city.

spk_0 They think that everyone lives the life of Chicago in New York in LA.

spk_0 It's like it's not it.

spk_0 And people in people that come to New York that go to the stand or New York comedy club or the seller.

spk_0 They know their visitors.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 So when you go, all right, the subway they go, hey, I rode the subway today.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 We're kind of here for it.

spk_0 But when they're at home in Madison, they're like, we don't have a subway.

spk_0 I don't like I don't understand.

spk_0 You know, like I don't understand.

spk_0 Like you have a red train.

spk_0 No.

spk_0 So like I had a joke about not being able to smell and about how it was beneficial for the subway.

spk_0 But I explained why the subway sucks because of the smells.

spk_0 You have to give them a little preamble.

spk_0 That's it.

spk_0 The idea of the subway isn't implanted in their mind.

spk_0 Yeah, they don't go immediately a B to see.

spk_0 They're able to afford cars and homes.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 They don't need to ride.

spk_0 They're not so black stacked on each other.

spk_0 We're going to railroad apartment with their enemy sweat piss just dripping down the buildings.

spk_0 Oh, you guys don't live a terrible life.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 No, it's quite happy actually.

spk_0 No, I love being I when you said, you know, we're talking about how high up my apartment is.

spk_0 Yeah, I can't believe how I don't know.

spk_0 I could not live at this floor.

spk_0 But when I get high, I think about all the people I'm sitting on top of it.

spk_0 It fucks me up.

spk_0 That would fuck me up.

spk_0 There's been moments where I've gotten too high.

spk_0 Do you feel it move ever?

spk_0 Yeah, I would leave immediately when we moved in.

spk_0 We've been living here now a couple years, but we moved in.

spk_0 Katie was like, I don't think I can get high for like the first three months because I'll get high.

spk_0 I have that.

spk_0 I took an edible.

spk_0 That's what fucked me up.

spk_0 I ate a couple of animals in a sitting here watching TV and I thought about if there wasn't walls on the outside.

spk_0 You could just fall off and just win would be whipping around.

spk_0 I was like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm in the apartment the next day.

spk_0 I spun out.

spk_0 I was like, I'm a third floor below.

spk_0 Yeah, you can be able to land comfortable.

spk_0 Yeah, I need to get out of the fire hits.

spk_0 I was first floor in Queens for fucking 14 years.

spk_0 You lived 14 years in that same spot in Queens.

spk_0 2007 to 2021.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 The same exact apartment in Astoria.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 I lived in all three bedrooms.

spk_0 I lived in the windowless room first.

spk_0 Okay, I think every company needs to live in a windowless room.

spk_0 I had one for like two or three years.

spk_0 I did mine for, well, I did it for one and then my buddy moved in and I was like, I'm out.

spk_0 And then we had another roommate and he's like, I'm not living in there and I was like, I'll go back.

spk_0 And then I went back for six.

spk_0 Oh, you were there a while.

spk_0 And then I...

spk_0 You become a creature of the night.

spk_0 Yeah, dude.

spk_0 I'm waking up at 3 p.m. like, this is when the day starts.

spk_0 Dude.

spk_0 You can just start the day whenever you want.

spk_0 And your circadian rhythms are just completely off.

spk_0 If you shut the door, it's crazy.

spk_0 You wake up and you're like...

spk_0 And I didn't get like the vitamin D light which I showed up.

spk_0 I was just pitch black.

spk_0 I slept for like a year straight.

spk_0 I loved it.

spk_0 It wasn't terrible until the depression got in.

spk_0 That when you let the inner darkness, when it's all darkness inside and out, you can't...

spk_0 You look funny.

spk_0 I didn't even fucking put that together till right now.

spk_0 You can't be depressed and in the dark all day.

spk_0 I didn't even fucking put that together.

spk_0 I got real dark in my last year and a half of drinking.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Where it was like, it was getting like...

spk_0 That's why you stopped.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It was like getting to the point where I was like, I don't believe on this...

spk_0 This is like kind of crazy.

spk_0 I should probably...

spk_0 And then drinking, I was like...

spk_0 But I didn't realize.

spk_0 I was in the fucking windowless room.

spk_0 You were in a windowless room?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 That might...

spk_0 It might not have been the drinking.

spk_0 I'm in the windowless room.

spk_0 You might...

spk_0 I think it was just...

spk_0 Oh no, I just ruined your life.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Katie comes home, half a bottle of whiskey.

spk_0 And I go, get naked.

spk_0 We're gonna get slimy.

spk_0 Jeffrey told me it was the room.

spk_0 Jeffrey said it was the room.

spk_0 He doesn't have a degree but neither does RFK.

spk_0 He doesn't have a degree.

spk_0 I wasn't that sad.

spk_0 I'm crying.

spk_0 I'm still in there.

spk_0 Still in there.

spk_0 But yeah, I moved out.

spk_0 I got sober or I stopped drinking.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And then was when I moved into the room with the sunlight.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 What's it was the exact same time?

spk_0 I like maybe...

spk_0 I quit maybe...

spk_0 That's six months to a year before I moved.

spk_0 It's a beautiful metaphor.

spk_0 Yeah, but I was a little bit...

spk_0 You were emerging out of the cave into the light.

spk_0 Awesome.

spk_0 There you go.

spk_0 He became a man.

spk_0 Out of my cocoon.

spk_0 But you're rising.

spk_0 I think every comic you should do...

spk_0 You need to live that.

spk_0 You can tell the comics who never lived in a shitty apartment.

spk_0 Who never lived with five other open-micers.

spk_0 It's the social confidence.

spk_0 It's not even the stage confidence.

spk_0 It's the social confidence.

spk_0 You haven't been beaten down.

spk_0 You just haven't had a moment.

spk_0 You haven't slept in your car doing penguins and cedar rapids.

spk_0 You haven't done it.

spk_0 Penguins and cedar rapids.

spk_0 You never...

spk_0 You ever go there?

spk_0 I haven't been there but that's a club that I've heard.

spk_0 It's not when it's VIP.

spk_0 It's gone.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 But I remember I slept in my car to do three host sets over a week and for $75.

spk_0 Did I remember...

spk_0 I remember opening for Kevin McCaffer.

spk_0 Great guy.

spk_0 Kevin McCaffer was a man.

spk_0 He was like seven years ago.

spk_0 Great guy.

spk_0 Kevin McCaffer was a Canadian.

spk_0 I love Kevin McCaffer.

spk_0 He was like 10 years ago actually.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It's a super fun guy.

spk_0 Awesome guy.

spk_0 I remember going like borrowing my roommates, girlfriends, eclipse to drive to Albuquerque to

spk_0 MC.

spk_0 But the other laughs because he's dead and the other laughs there.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 And I slept on the couch of the condo.

spk_0 Oh my God.

spk_0 With the other headliner and feature.

spk_0 And they're not happy about that.

spk_0 No one wants the host sleeping on the couch.

spk_0 That's kind of like that's supposed to be the quiet area.

spk_0 The host who's drinking a lot.

spk_0 Oh, you're party-ing.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 I was supposed to say that.

spk_0 I'm probably bringing a girl bag, bringing up fucking lot.

spk_0 Last night I did.

spk_0 The last night I did.

spk_0 The last night.

spk_0 But the feature was gone.

spk_0 Oh.

spk_0 The feature left after the show so I got his bedroom.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 So that's why I stayed at the bar to be like.

spk_0 God, that's so funny.

spk_0 I got a room.

spk_0 Are you going to make an appearance that laughs at Tucson?

spk_0 You guys pop by.

spk_0 Get a little thing.

spk_0 Go see Dingo.

spk_0 I want a bartender.

spk_0 I do want to see Dingo.

spk_0 He's a legend.

spk_0 That guy is so cool.

spk_0 Shout out Johnny Dingo.

spk_0 Johnny Dingo.

spk_0 I don't know, man.

spk_0 I'm a little.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It's the line of nostalgia.

spk_0

spk_0 The nostalgia isn't clean because I'm a little hurt by the basically that they were like,

spk_0 yeah, we don't care to book you.

spk_0 Oh, yeah.

spk_0 They did the same thing to I wouldn't.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And you're you should definitely I mean, I would love to.

spk_0 Yeah, that would be so cool.

spk_0 It's so fun to do headline a Wednesday due to shows make a month sick.

spk_0 Make them fuck up.

spk_0 They're like, oh, we never did that.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 That's not what we did.

spk_0 They said he's there.

spk_0 They're like, we don't do that.

spk_0 He said we give away tickets and we make money on.

spk_0 You don't make extra money.

spk_0 What?

spk_0 You take it.

spk_0 I didn't even need a lot of money.

spk_0 I just thought it would be cool.

spk_0 I literally was like, I like this place.

spk_0 I think it would be cool to do a one-nighter there.

spk_0 And they're like, ah, now.

spk_0 There was there was the exact thing I told my.

spk_0 I just want to make like not even that much money.

spk_0 To my agent, I was like, I miss.

spk_0 I want to go back.

spk_0 I want to do Tucson.

spk_0 I want to do laughs.

spk_0 That's an amazing nostalgia.

spk_0 It's nostalgia.

spk_0 I will do it before I go like, let me get a Wednesday or a Thursday before I do stand-up live in Phoenix.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 So it makes sense.

spk_0 Routing wise.

spk_0 It would give them so much press.

spk_0 Like this is our hometown hero.

spk_0 They should have even.

spk_0 I started there.

spk_0 I loved it.

spk_0 There was like people that I'm still friends with that.

spk_0 Like I talked to that we started there.

spk_0 Like Jesse Campbell and Johnny Schwartzmine.

spk_0 And there's like, and Matt Lamparza.

spk_0 Oh, didn't Jesse Campbell do a set in Acme?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 It's just very fucking funny.

spk_0 I'm so glad that I started in Madison.

spk_0 So that club is always like, I'm the best comedy on set.

spk_0 The best club ever.

spk_0 The club.

spk_0 I was spoiled.

spk_0 I'm very spoiled.

spk_0 It was a great time.

spk_0 I know it's sacrilegious from a colorodden to say that.

spk_0 Oh, to say it's better than comedy works.

spk_0 I mean comedy works.

spk_0 Comedy works is great.

spk_0 But Madison might be the best club.

spk_0 It's really up there.

spk_0 Top three.

spk_0 There's three that I would say could be number one.

spk_0 It's one A1B for Madison.

spk_0

spk_0 That's a good one.

spk_0

spk_0 That's a good one.

spk_0

spk_0 Possibly two A maybe a two A.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 But I go, I go Madison.

spk_0 Madison is a great city in America.

spk_0 But I wanted that like, I mean, you wanted to go there too.

spk_0 Just like give it all.

spk_0 Give me a hand.

spk_0 That was the last was the first club that ever let me headline outside like Wisconsin.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 They just ran them.

spk_0 I mean, they pay me an egregiously low amount.

spk_0 But I was like, this is cool.

spk_0 I went back to.

spk_0 I thought this was so sick.

spk_0 Living here, I went back to feature for a push for not just to be home.

spk_0 I just got to go back and I'm I didn't even grow up in Tucson.

spk_0 I grew up in Colorado.

spk_0 What's college in Tucson?

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 I didn't like living in Tucson.

spk_0 But it's where you started.

spk_0 You always have that memory where you started.

spk_0 Okay, FMA.

spk_0 I worked at the radio station there.

spk_0 And I get to stand up.

spk_0 It's like where I found out what I wanted to do.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 It's very important to me.

spk_0 As a place in your soul.

spk_0 You're psyche.

spk_0 And then they were like, hey, sorry, man.

spk_0 We got a good thing going here and you're like, is it?

spk_0 Is it that?

spk_0 I don't see the risk in having an off night.

spk_0 Yeah, we don't kind of like to make extra money in these parts.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 We like to make exactly what we made last year.

spk_0 And the guy was like, the new owner was like, hey, maybe we'll see you next time around.

spk_0 And you're like, I'm doing the real.

spk_0 I'm doing the.

spk_0 I'm actually going to do a theater then go back to small clothes.

spk_0 I was still dipping my toes in the theater.

spk_0 I will.

spk_0 Obviously, I'm going back to club.

spk_0 It's your first theater tour.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 I bet that's fun.

spk_0 And you know, the cycle is you build the hour.

spk_0 You put it out and you do it in the theater.

spk_0 Then you tape it.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 And then you go back to the clubs and you build it.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 That's fun.

spk_0 When I go back to the clubs, I'm not going to want to go back to them.

spk_0 Never going to go back.

spk_0 They lost it.

spk_0 You lost it.

spk_0 It's two years.

spk_0 You could have been there.

spk_0 We don't want to fuck.

spk_0 And then they're like, why don't you fuck that?

spk_0 And you're like, I'll try.

spk_0 I'll try to hit me up when you're in town for Christmas.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 No.

spk_0 You said no, Bethany.

spk_0 No.

spk_0 You said it wouldn't work.

spk_0 I tried for five years, Jeannie.

spk_0 I mean, I'm sad when people, yeah, they've just burned these bridges with us.

spk_0 For no reason.

spk_0 There's just it's a crazy.

spk_0 It happens all the time too.

spk_0 Just like people just like this weird ego.

spk_0 By the way, I'm doing the paramount on Saturday.

spk_0 One of the bartenders was like, dude, better come by comedy works to say what's up.

spk_0 Motherfucker.

spk_0 And you're like, absolutely.

spk_0 Ricky Vales is there.

spk_0 That's great.

spk_0 I'm going to come by and see the staff and say what's up.

spk_0 Oh, it's so fun to get two comics are in town performing.

spk_0 You get to hang on.

spk_0 That's like the best part of touring.

spk_0 I got sagnolo with me.

spk_0 Oh great.

spk_0 I'm going to go over there to the comedy works and be like, what's up, mother fucker?

spk_0 Like get high, watch this show.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 What's Ricky doing out where it's like no pressure because I'm done.

spk_0 Oh, when you don't have to do a show and you get to actually I never get to watch comedy anymore.

spk_0 I love it.

spk_0 But that's what I'm like, check every sitting.

spk_0 I'm in.

spk_0 I'm like, checking to see who's at the top.

spk_0 Oh, I didn't even.

spk_0 Yeah, I don't.

spk_0 I just don't want to go fucking Taylor Tomlinson did that when we did.

spk_0 Oh, yeah, no, no, walkie.

spk_0 That's right.

spk_0 She was like, yes, bod.

spk_0 Yeah, she's like, dude, I got nothing.

spk_0 I'm at the pausa.

spk_0 That was a sad weekend.

spk_0 That was tough.

spk_0 That was a bad, that's a bad suburb of Milwaukee.

spk_0 But you saved my ass because you go just to let you know this is like one of the most conservative

spk_0 out of the way.

spk_0 It's the most conservative county in Wisconsin.

spk_0 And it was like you went up there and you filled and you felt it.

spk_0 You're like, damn, they don't like it.

spk_0 You can't even make fun of being gay because they don't want you to talk about being gay.

spk_0 You don't talk about that.

spk_0 That's how you're funny to make fun of men.

spk_0 Oh, I think about it.

spk_0 I was like, what's the burger we were in?

spk_0 It was even, I had to do it, pull it on my local references.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 I was talking about culverts.

spk_0 What was the burger we were in?

spk_0 It was a burger burger.

spk_0 They had the curd burger at culverts.

spk_0 A flat pancake of curd on a burger and sold out by 11 a.m.

spk_0 You were open at 10 a.m.

spk_0 It was sold out by 11 a.m.

spk_0 She was like my Navajo point man of Wisconsin.

spk_0 Yeah, you're like, Jeffrey, go find me this.

spk_0 And you're like, well, walk north.

spk_0 And then we went and we went.

spk_0 Spell the curds.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 You'll smell the butter burger in the distance.

spk_0 Did you ever get to try it?

spk_0 I was sold out every day.

spk_0 So you never got to have it?

spk_0 I never got to have it.

spk_0 It was gone by, I think they open at 10 gone by 11.

spk_0 I was hoping you got to justify that.

spk_0 I never got to.

spk_0 I think I lived in Chicago then.

spk_0 Yeah, I lived in Chicago then so it wasn't that big of a go.

spk_0 It wasn't that far to go.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 The walkie kind of a weird city, honestly.

spk_0 I like it.

spk_0 I've never, I've never enjoyed Milwaukee.

spk_0 Really?

spk_0 I guess I'm Madison.

spk_0 I think I got spoiled.

spk_0 You did.

spk_0 This is so much better.

spk_0 I did.

spk_0 This fucking awesome little theater there last December.

spk_0 Perhaps.

spk_0 Not perhaps.

spk_0 It was one smaller than that.

spk_0 The one the old like Legion Hall.

spk_0 Oh, okay.

spk_0 It was like from the 1800s where they like legitimately fought Nazis in this building.

spk_0 Oh, that's like, yeah, because it's a big Polish town.

spk_0 It makes sense.

spk_0 Fuck yeah.

spk_0 Awesome.

spk_0 That sounds cool.

spk_0 And it just like a big gymnasium, but it was like the acoustics were incredible.

spk_0 And they had a bear, fuck, I'm sorry.

spk_0 Somebody had like the union meetings and stuff back in the day.

spk_0 Yes, I'm sorry I'm forgetting the name of it, but it was such a cool venue.

spk_0 And it was me and Louis Katz.

spk_0 And it was like, fucking awesome.

spk_0 What's like the coolest venue you've gotten to do on this theater?

spk_0 I guess it's just starting, but do you know?

spk_0 Just started the more theater in Seattle.

spk_0 Really?

spk_0 That's really cool.

spk_0

spk_0 Seattle's a great town.

spk_0 Seattle's awesome.

spk_0 People make fun of Seattle.

spk_0 It's amazing.

spk_0 All three venues this week, this past weekend, we're fucking awesome.

spk_0 You're LA, Portland or LA.

spk_0 United Theater downtown.

spk_0 Everyone hates to get downtown and I get it after.

spk_0 Oh, it's in downtown LA.

spk_0 Oh, wow.

spk_0 But it's fucking gorgeous.

spk_0 Really?

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 It looked like he was coming out of the sea.

spk_0 Like that's what the theater looked like.

spk_0 I was like, I'm going to be in downtown and I didn't know.

spk_0 I didn't know.

spk_0 I didn't know either.

spk_0 Every other city you're like downtown's the place to be.

spk_0 Downtown.

spk_0 I got to be where the action's at.

spk_0 And people were telling me.

spk_0 I was like, why is this hotel $125?

spk_0 This is a four-star hotel.

spk_0 What is it?

spk_0 It's like, oh, I get it.

spk_0 They own the night.

spk_0 Yes.

spk_0 I get it.

spk_0 And we were down to 9.30 p.m.

spk_0 They're knocking on the window like, you know, come out here, boy.

spk_0 It's I am legend.

spk_0 Yeah, it is I am legend.

spk_0 During the past of them.

spk_0 It's just grass growing out of the sea.

spk_0 I'd rather be running from four dobermans that walking down downtown LA.

spk_0 I don't tell you these fucking bums in LA.

spk_0 But then we did the more theater in Seattle, which was awesome.

spk_0 And then we did a place called Revolution Hall in Portland, which is...

spk_0 Oh, really?

spk_0 Cool.

spk_0 Portland, another great city.

spk_0 It was an old high school turned into a venue.

spk_0 Oh, damn.

spk_0 So it's like the venue looks like a...

spk_0 You know those in movies in the old time operation tables?

spk_0 Where all the class is watching?

spk_0 Oh, sure.

spk_0 It's like a really big version of that.

spk_0 Really?

spk_0 And then the green room was like a classroom?

spk_0 What?

spk_0 That's crazy.

spk_0 That's so cool.

spk_0 That's the back hallway was like...

spk_0 Portland, another great city that we make fun of.

spk_0 It's awesome.

spk_0 And we were there when the boots touched ground.

spk_0 Did they act?

spk_0 Oh, they are there.

spk_0 No.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 He saw one truck.

spk_0 Oh, really?

spk_0 But it's also like you go there and like everything's going fine.

spk_0 There's no like mass chaos.

spk_0 That's always the funniest thing to me.

spk_0 It's like it's burning down.

spk_0 It's like it's not.

spk_0 You go there.

spk_0 It's just there.

spk_0 It's awfully dick.

spk_0 Like when I put I lived in Chicago for five, six years.

spk_0 Everyone's like Chicago is a war zone.

spk_0 I'm like, I'm one of the biggest bitches of all time.

spk_0 How did I live there if it's the most dangerous city in the world?

spk_0 I benched like 95 pounds and I never had a problem.

spk_0 Diggo, he welcomed to the war zone.

spk_0 And if these guys who live 50 miles out with 20 guns who are like Chicago, I wouldn't

spk_0 go to Chicago, brother.

spk_0 It's like go to a Cubs game.

spk_0 It's amazing.

spk_0 I always want to go when I see specifically dudes.

spk_0 You could tell Midwestern families that are in New York City.

spk_0 I always want to give them a show.

spk_0 Because I feel like they're going there and they're like scared.

spk_0 And you're like New York is so there's elements of danger, but it's not a dangerous city.

spk_0 It's not at all.

spk_0 Just keep your just don't be a fucking moron.

spk_0 Don't black out on the train at 4 a.m.

spk_0 You'll be fine.

spk_0

spk_0 Mine your business.

spk_0 That's what my mom doesn't do.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Anyone talks to my mom.

spk_0 She's like, oh really?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Why do you need money young man?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 No mom, no.

spk_0 Let him go.

spk_0 You just mind your business.

spk_0 You'll be fine.

spk_0 And by the way, native New Yorkers when you tell that they go like, yeah.

spk_0 Of course.

spk_0 What's it like where you're from and you go, you say hi to people?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 My mom says hi to everyone she sees.

spk_0 We'll be hiking in the middle of nowhere.

spk_0 She sees someone.

spk_0 Hi, how you doing?

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 They got here to get away from that mom.

spk_0 In the middle of Colorado.

spk_0 One of my favorite jokes.

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 You didn't put it.

spk_0 I didn't see it on your special.

spk_0 The one about your parents loving guns.

spk_0 No, I didn't put that.

spk_0 I think that I'm going to re bring that one back.

spk_0 All right.

spk_0 I don't want to ruin that punchline.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 God, Damien's talking about having suburban parents.

spk_0 Oh, they're loaded up.

spk_0 I know.

spk_0 I'm from Woodbury, Minnesota.

spk_0 A very average suburb of no crime.

spk_0 And they got the cameras.

spk_0 They got the doorbell.

spk_0 They got the guns for nothing.

spk_0 You're talking about how secure the suburbs are.

spk_0 I don't want to ruin this.

spk_0 And they're so, yeah.

spk_0 I'm going to bring that one back.

spk_0 I saw me do that when I did a spot on your back.

spk_0 I was like, do you have that joke?

spk_0 It's so good.

spk_0 Oh, yeah, thank you.

spk_0 It's like one of those jokes.

spk_0 They're just so afraid for nothing.

spk_0 It's crazy.

spk_0 I don't think I've ever seen a crime where I grew up within 20 miles.

spk_0 Because your parents, they strap.

spk_0 That's what they're saying.

spk_0 Because we have one shotgun that we don't know how to use.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 That's how they stay away.

spk_0 But the idea of watching comedy, I think that's why you should always do it, is because there's jokes that you see that you should get jealous of other jokes.

spk_0 Absolutely.

spk_0 That's why the really famous people, they don't see comedy.

spk_0 They lose touch with what's happening.

spk_0 That's exactly what's in the ground.

spk_0 It's also, I think I know it's not a pop music theory, but I don't think you should be mad if your partner does light flirting with people.

spk_0 Because it's like, they got to keep it on something else.

spk_0 No, you got to keep like, well, yeah, she's cute.

spk_0 If someone is like, I'm not going to fuck anybody.

spk_0 But if someone's like, hey, give it back a little because you go.

spk_0 It's fun to go on for one minute, two minutes, then we forget about it.

spk_0 We're not going to do anything.

spk_0 We go back to the hotel room and masturbate and it's fine.

spk_0 Exactly.

spk_0 I know.

spk_0 But my point is like, I never have been upset about that in relationships.

spk_0 I don't have a jealousy, really.

spk_0 But you just go, I don't know, is she going to fuck, if she's going to fuck them, then she's a horrible person and I don't want to be with her.

spk_0 Right. That'd be a good tell.

spk_0 We get out of this now.

spk_0 Okay.

spk_0 That little insecurity of like, was she would smile to that guy, you go, great.

spk_0 Just like when you see a comment tell a great joke, that should make you be like, oh, I got to get back in the lab.

spk_0 It's exactly.

spk_0 You can't be like, fuck.

spk_0 You can anger for like three seconds, then you go, I got to write another joke.

spk_0 It's the, I left my hotel key in the room thing, you go, oh, I should have thought of that.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 And then you go, that's great.

spk_0 Now I'm going to go right.

spk_0 Some people get bitter, like, I'm never going to be fucking good or nervous.

spk_0 This is a problem, man.

spk_0 Like, I like to, sometimes when I'm not in the cellar, I'll just go there.

spk_0 If I see someone, I know I'll just watch a VU show.

spk_0 I love it.

spk_0 I do it like once a month.

spk_0 I think it's fun.

spk_0 If I'm at New Jokes and there's like two comics going up downstairs, I don't want to watch.

spk_0 Maybe back to back.

spk_0 I go, I'll tell Will, like, hey, don't bring me up.

spk_0 I want to go watch two sets.

spk_0 Oh, yeah.

spk_0 And then you sit in the back and you're like, like, that's what it's all about.

spk_0 We don't get to do that anymore because it's great doing and shit.

spk_0 I did a show and Tim Dylan did a drop in set and I just sat.

spk_0 I didn't even want him to know I was there.

spk_0 I just sat in the sound room and watched him do his set.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 And enjoyed it.

spk_0 Just sat there with the little volume thing.

spk_0 That's like the way comedy.

spk_0 Like back in the day, you used to be all these bar shows.

spk_0 You're all watching each other now.

spk_0 It kind of got segmented.

spk_0 Well, it's also a little bigger and like COVID destroyed that shit.

spk_0 COVID destroyed that shit.

spk_0 That was how I saw you.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 And what was that?

spk_0 I was on the lower.

spk_0 That loft show.

spk_0 Secret loft.

spk_0 And I remember you did your World Cup joke.

spk_0 And I was like, yeah, I just, I added on to it and posted it yesterday.

spk_0 I just saw it.

spk_0 I was like, fuck yeah.

spk_0 I was like seeing a song that you, I was like, I want to watch it.

spk_0 That's why I know you as good as a joke.

spk_0

spk_0 He did that joke and I was like, who the fuck is this guy?

spk_0 And then you talked about it on Bert's Pock and then someone told me

spk_0 and then I DMed you to open for you in Madison.

spk_0 That was awesome.

spk_0 I think that was during COVID and then it got delayed like a year and a half.

spk_0 And then we did a run of a couple of fucking days.

spk_0 And we did like four or five.

spk_0

spk_0 And it was like, that's because that's what it is.

spk_0 You should be watching people being like, holy shit, that's funny.

spk_0 That's the new person.

spk_0 Yeah, you're like, it also makes me happy because you go, oh, other people are trying to write jokes and be funny and be really good at this.

spk_0 Well, you get so excited seeing like the big people is like,

spk_0 but there's so many up and coming comics.

spk_0 They're huge.

spk_0 They're so funny right now.

spk_0 I remember 2017 Shane M. Seeing for me.

spk_0 Oh, and you know, like this guy's going to be big.

spk_0 No, just go to Stude's hilarious.

spk_0 Yeah, he's like, you play Madden.

spk_0 And I was like, yeah, he's like, you want to play Madden?

spk_0 And then we hung out playing Madden all night.

spk_0 And then you're like, what a fun guy I'm going to hang out with.

spk_0 And then he ends up being the next fucking Adam Sandler.

spk_0 Yeah, you're like, this guy is awesome.

spk_0 But he just became my friend because I like these jokes.

spk_0 It's like, people don't do that anymore.

spk_0 They're all like, it's not like how many followers you guys?

spk_0 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

spk_0 How's the algorithm clicking for you?

spk_0 You could have been still in Harrisburg right now and I be texting them.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 I'd be like, what's up?

spk_0 Fucker jump online.

spk_0 Let's play.

spk_0 You know what I mean?

spk_0 Instead, he's like, yeah, he just got like, he's on an airport.

spk_0 Did it with Bradley Cooper.

spk_0 Yeah, yeah.

spk_0 But what I love about him is he's my friend.

spk_0 Like, it's my first theater tour and I was telling Pimp,

spk_0 he like called me and he's like, how you doing it?

spk_0 Yeah, you doing it?

spk_0 Because that's a different vibe to theater tour, obviously.

spk_0 Which is crazy because I remember when he started headlining,

spk_0 he called me and he's like, I'm headlining.

spk_0 This is fucking sucks.

spk_0 And now I'm calling him and I'm like, how do you do a different city arena?

spk_0 I'm asking her in the sense or the sense.

spk_0 Yeah, you do.

spk_0 But he's flipping back and forth.

spk_0 What I like about it is that's a friendship.

spk_0 Yeah, you're helping each other out.

spk_0 He's experienced it someplace.

spk_0 I haven't.

spk_0 Right.

spk_0 So it's just like, it is really cool.

spk_0 What advice did he give you for theaters to go slower?

spk_0 Yeah, he said slower.

spk_0 I fucked that up a couple of times.

spk_0 He said go slower and he also was like, don't worry about not knowing what city you're in.

spk_0 He's like, because it gets hard after a while.

spk_0 If you do a lot of cities back to back, he goes, I still wake up in cities and I'm like, I don't know where I am.

spk_0 I don't know.

spk_0 Like before the show, you know, because you're like talking about it and they're like looking at teams or whatever.

spk_0 But when you wake up in a hotel, you're like, don't be like scared and think you're going crazy.

spk_0 And it was in, it was in fucking Seattle that I woke up and I was like, huh, right?

spk_0 Because I don't like.

spk_0 Well, kind of a, just a deep dream in a fugues state.

spk_0 You're like kicking around and we're at the same kind of hotel.

spk_0 So I was like, hey, the one's a room different.

spk_0 And I was like, oh, shit, never in city.

spk_0 Wow.

spk_0 But it's fun.

spk_0 That's not bad thing.

spk_0 That's fun.

spk_0 It's not bad, that's very fun.

spk_0 Yeah.

spk_0 Did it's fucking sick.

spk_0 Go watch Jeffrey Asmis's.

spk_0 Go subscribe to his YouTube channel and watch all of my YouTube.

spk_0 He's fucking hilarious.

spk_0 He's one of my favorite comics to watch.

spk_0 And on tour now.

spk_0 Touring all fall every goddamn city.

spk_0 It never stops.

spk_0 Guy does it.

spk_0 But go see him.

spk_0 He's a fucking animal.

spk_0 Please do.

spk_0 One of my favorite comics is hot.

spk_0 There it is.

spk_0 Whitecomedian.com.

spk_0 Oh, yeah, I forgot you had it.

spk_0 About whitecomedian.com years ago.

spk_0 I'm going to sell that to like Joe Rogan for a million dollars.

spk_0 I'll give you the back.

spk_0 I'll give you that money.

spk_0 There you go.

spk_0 Don't do it.

spk_0 Thank you.

102: Skynet is Here with Geoffrey Asmus | Soder Podcast | EP 100

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