Health
"Where Did That Emotion Come From?"
In this episode, John Fuller and Dr. Danny Werta explore the complexities of children's emotions and how parents can effectively respond to unexpected emotional outbursts. They discuss the import...
"Where Did That Emotion Come From?"
Health •
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Interactive Transcript
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God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth.
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Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from focus on the family and the Colson Center.
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See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth.
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Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope.
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Visit truthrising.com today. That's truthrising.com.
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Well, I wonder if your child has ever had an outburst that you just didn't anticipate.
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I remember a time when one of our boys Danny was talking and then just started to cry.
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It was really, I looked at him and I said, it's okay. It's really okay.
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Those moments come and how you handle them really makes a difference.
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I'm John Fuller along with Dr. Danny Werta and Danny, if you had moments like that, now girls maybe.
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But boys too.
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And sometimes just breaking it.
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That's funny. The story that comes to mind just immediately is of my boy.
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Plenty of outbursts from my daughter, but my son, we were at the grocery store and that's the classic one.
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Oh yes. That's where the note of prayer is.
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Can relate to that. Usually your child's tired, you're in a hurry, your task focus.
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We got to get these things done and my son was tired. He was hungry. I knew that.
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I was thinking, oh, we could just in and out. He's such a great kid.
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No, he saw something. He was like, I want to see this and we didn't have time to look at it and much less buy it.
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And he had an outburst in that moment and quickly ended our grocery store run.
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So I retreated to the car.
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Well, as I thinking, this was not a good, I didn't set him up for success on this.
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I think we just have to go. I'll get that stuff later.
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So we stepped out and he goes, why are we going, Dad? I said, yeah, it wasn't a good time.
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And your emotions are running all over the place. We'll do this another time.
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Did you tell him, whatever you say so often on this show, we need your brain to have time to catch up with your emotions?
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No, I said your brains run around all over the grocery store and I think it's going to meet us back at the car.
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I love how you say these things.
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Well, let's go look for it in the car. So we went back to the car.
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You got to put your brain back together. We're going home.
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Got it. Well, as you parent, we're going to help you learn how to manage those situations.
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We're going to have a clip now from Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
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Jim talked with Melissa Hannigan about what she learned about parenting from her time volunteering at a local prison.
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You linked and you mentioned a moment ago about working with incarcerated women.
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And you talk about that in the context of EQ.
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So bring those two together for us.
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And I think the point you're making in the book was that most of these women don't have high EQs.
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They don't have kind of emotional intelligence.
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Absolutely.
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Describe that and what your observations were.
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Yeah, most of these girls and they were 12 to 18.
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They were never taught how to handle their emotions in a healthy way.
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Lots of them had various different backgrounds.
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Most of it was traumatic and abusive.
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And in those homes, they were never given the language or the tools to handle their feelings.
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And so the only thing they knew to do was to rage and to lash out,
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which is what led them to most of their problems that ended up in incarceration.
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And so as a young mom at the time, I had two young kids.
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I really paid attention to that and said,
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I want to teach my kids the tools because it's so much easier to teach our kids when they're young to recognize,
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oh, you're feeling angry right now.
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Well, when we're angry, we don't hit.
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When we're angry, we, you know, depending on the circumstance,
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we take it to the Lord, are we breathe?
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Are we go for a walk and calm down?
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And so giving our kids those tools is really what I took away from teaching these girls.
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Now, is it hopeless if they're a teenager and they don't have these skills?
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Absolutely not.
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They're things that can be taught.
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It's a lot harder when they're already in these patterned behaviors.
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And so, you know, one of the things that I really try to point out in the book is
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as parents, let's not ignore these conversations about emotions.
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Let's talk about them.
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Boys and girls, they're going to feel things.
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God created us with emotions and we need to help to teach them how to express them in
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a healthy way that can honor the Lord and to help can make relationships stronger instead
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of destructive.
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And the key is how you do that.
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I mean, for me, I don't know why I didn't go online and just buy an emotions chart.
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I ended up creating it every time.
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I was happy face and sad face and embarrassed face.
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That's a good one to draw.
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But they love watching me try to draw the emotions as part of the game.
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The point is, it's something that's simple to be able to put in front of your child to
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say, what are you feeling right now and kind of describe the faces for them if your drawings
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aren't great.
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But that is producing in them awareness of their emotional expressions.
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Absolutely.
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And the fact that you are taking and making time to have those conversations because if
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we're not making it a priority to talk to our kids about their emotions, they're not
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going to come to us with those things as they get older.
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And so establishing those patterns and good habits when they're young just sets you
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up for success and family culture as they grow and the emotions get more complicated.
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It's not just happy faces and sad faces and embarrassed faces.
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It gets more awkward.
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And so being intentional, like you said, as a parent to have these conversations is so
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vital and important.
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But it's really easy to get into the daily grind and run and just don't think about it.
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You know, I know most parents want to be good parents.
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They want to do good things for their kids and they want their kids to be well adapted
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of adults.
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But a lot of times we just forget.
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We just get busy.
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And so my heart is to just be a cheerleader reminding parents like you've got the tools
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to do this.
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You can do it.
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Just take the time and do it.
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Well, you got to think it through and that takes effort.
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And I think with everything else we're doing seriously.
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I mean, you know, that's an excuse.
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But you do not want to miss on this.
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I mean, this is the thing you want.
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So when your kids are in their 20s, they're healthy.
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You know, you want them to say, we had a really great childhood.
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And that's the aim and you know, connected spiritually with the Lord and those things too.
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Well, Danny, that's some good stuff from Melissa.
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And I think in previous episodes, we've talked about how to manage those kids that kind
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of stuff their emotions and that they boil and, you know, froth under the surface.
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But let's talk about the child who's always dramatic.
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Who's always throwing a temper tantrum.
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Who's always being this emotional thing.
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How do we handle that?
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It's tough because it usually triggers our emotional, well, our patients, right?
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And we get down to it.
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It brings the impatience out.
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And as parents, we need to realize that these emotions are opportunities.
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They're opportunities.
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Well, they don't feel like they don't, but remember, perspective changes everything.
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How you feel.
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We are the adults in the room.
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So yeah.
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So just keep this in mind.
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You're not going to do it perfectly.
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But keep it in mind when you see the emotion pop up, and an opportunity to understand
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what is happening below the surface.
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Now, we've talked about that a lot here.
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An emotion is something that gives you information that's something deeper is happening.
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Now, beyond that, you need to teach your children how to be aware of the emotion that is popping out.
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So with emotions wheels, with even just talking about emotion, saying, hey, I'm seeing an emotion come out,
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or I'm seeing your frustrated, or I'm seeing your upset, or I'm seeing that you see me embarrassed,
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or humiliated, whatever the word is, you said, this is how it looks to me.
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You are now taking that out on your brother and sister.
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You're taking it out on us.
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It's spilling out.
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I wonder if there's a different way you could handle that emotion.
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It's a real emotion.
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It's the one you need to have for what you're experiencing.
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But now you're affecting everyone else.
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What are you trying to do?
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Now, that's a lot of words for somebody that's being emotional.
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You want to teach, especially teenagers and twins.
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You want to teach them, apart from the emotional moment, that there's an impact from their emotions,
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their behaviors, and their relationships.
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For the younger kids, you can have pause buttons.
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You can have a lot of fun with this where you go, oh, wait a minute, an emotion showed up.
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Let's go look for which one it is.
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You go to it and you go, okay, there's some other ways you can show that emotion
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that are going to be much more effective.
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Let's practice it.
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Let's press rewind.
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And you can even have a little remote control and go, we're going to go rewind.
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You can have that emotion.
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Let's try something different because you got to practice it.
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And you're teaching and modeling that as well for your kids.
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So when you're having a big emotion, go, oh, wait a minute, I feel this big emotion.
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This is what's happening in my thoughts.
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And you're showing that real time to your kids so that they can be in a practice the same.
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Okay, that's really good stuff.
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Can I bring just a personal example?
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Yeah.
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You can coach me.
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All right.
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So we had a moment where one of our kids was in a just on a rant.
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Just, and I said, you know, I love you, but I'm not enjoying being around you right now.
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It's not a pleasant experience.
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That didn't do a whole lot.
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So could I, how could I maybe
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stopped the cycle of the rant and the big emotional dump that was going on?
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So he's ranting.
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What he's wanting to have is be heard.
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So you're saying, what is it that I need to hear from all these big emotions?
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It doesn't have to be so loud.
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Just help me hear it.
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What are you trying to communicate?
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I want to hear it.
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And a lot of times with emotions, especially big emotions for kids.
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If they're like, you know, they're ranting.
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They're trying to communicate something.
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They don't know how to put in the words.
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Yeah, they don't have words.
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And it's spilling out into their emotions because that's how they know how to communicate.
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You're teaching them a new way to communicate.
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Oh, I appreciate that.
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Thank you for the tip.
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And we want you to be able to do what I just did.
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You can call and talk to a counselor here at Focus on the Family.
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Our donor community makes it possible for you to do that.
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And they have a free over the phone consultation.
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Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family.
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You can also find a link in the episode notes to connect with us.
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And they'll call you back at a time that works for you and for them.
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They'll listen to you.
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They'll really offer some direction for you.
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Some next steps.
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And they can also connect you with somebody locally if you need some ongoing counseling.
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Again, our donors make it possible for us to offer that to all who call.
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So if you need help, give us a call.
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And if you'd like to contribute to the ministry, we are listener supported.
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And we value your contribution either a monthly gift or one time
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a donation of any amount.
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And when you donate, we'll send Melissa Hanigan's book,
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In Convenient Parenting.
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Activate your child's God-given traits, which deals with all that we've talked about here.
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And then some.
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Get that book when you donate today.
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The link is in the notes or call 800, the letter A and the word family.
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And we'll have Melissa back with us next time talking about the value of humor in your parenting.
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For now on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and team,
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thanks for listening to and watching the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.
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God is at work and he's calling his people to rise in truth.
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Truth Rising is a powerful new documentary from Focus on the Family and the Colson Center.
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See how ordinary Christians choose courage in a culture that needs truth.
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Watch Truth Rising today and find out how you can become an agent of restoration and hope.
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Visit truthrising.com today.
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That's truthrising.com.
Topics Covered
Truth Rising documentary
Focus on the Family
parenting emotions
emotional intelligence
handling child outbursts
teaching kids emotions
restoration and hope
emotional awareness
parenting strategies
children's emotional health
support for parents
building family culture
communication with kids
managing emotional behavior
tools for parents