INNER REVOLUTION: 12 - Setting boundaries to safeguard your energy, space, time & sanity

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spk_0 This is Innerwork, a spiritual growth podcast. A sanctuary for healers, light workers, and

spk_0 spiritual practitioners here to raise consciousness on this planet. You've come to the right place

spk_0 to heal yourself and fully awaken your unique gifts so you can show up to serve others

spk_0 as powerfully and purposefully as possible. I am your host Josephine Hartman, a certified

spk_0 intuitive healer and a Coshick Records Master Teacher. I'm honored you're here and delighted

spk_0 to walk with you on your path for a little while. To connect with me and explore ways of working

spk_0 together, please head over to Josephine Hartman.com.

spk_0 Hello, fellow traveler on the spiritual path. And welcome back to Inner Revolution, this special

spk_0 ongoing series on the Innerwork, a spiritual growth podcast. So our topic for day 12, which is today

spk_0 on this series is a really big one. That topic is boundaries. So let me just say right off the

spk_0 bat, we're not going to be able to cover everything having to do with boundaries in an exhaustive

spk_0 comprehensive way in this very brief episode. So this is kind of a primer on boundaries. It's a

spk_0 inquiry and self-reflection and a little bit of work to determine how are you doing in terms of

spk_0 your boundaries where it might you need a little bit of work or just to refresh some of your boundaries

spk_0 or to reclarify or redefine some of those boundaries in your own life. So as always, take what

spk_0 episode with the image of a fence, just any kind of fence, enclosing maybe a home or a park or some

spk_0 other type of physical space. So that fence, however it looks like as you're calling up that image

spk_0 in your mind, that fence is a symbol of containment. It establishes a clear line between what's inside

spk_0 the space of that fence and what's outside of it. So this image can also symbolize our energetic

spk_0 and physical boundaries as humans. So these boundaries in your life can give you a sense of safety,

spk_0 they can give you a sense of agency, of knowing your space and the space that is yours to take up,

spk_0 the space that you want to take up in the world, and they give you a sense of healthy containment.

spk_0 They help you determine where you begin and where you end and where someone else begins.

spk_0 Boundaries are so essential to avoid becoming amashed with other people. When we are amashed,

spk_0 we have no real sense of what is yours or what is ours versus what is someone else's.

spk_0 So we almost like lose access to that clear sense of what is mine versus what belongs to someone else.

spk_0 So it becomes difficult to distinguish between what belongs to you versus what belongs to that other

spk_0 person or people. And this can include feelings and emotions. So which feelings actually belong to you

spk_0 and which are being experienced by other people, which thoughts belong to you and which thoughts

spk_0 don't belong to you. This also extends to preferences and opinions.

spk_0 Absolutely, it extends to energy. So what energy belongs to you and where does that begin?

spk_0 Where does that end? Are you carrying energy that is someone else's or someone else's

spk_0 responsibility to carry? And this can even extend to things like money. Sometimes if we get really

spk_0 amashed, we start not being able to distinguish like what is actually mine, what belongs to me,

spk_0 even in terms of money or other financial or physical possessions versus what belongs to someone

spk_0 else. And these are some of the situations where we might become over-responsible for other people

spk_0 or over-givers just giving all of ourselves away, giving everything we have away because we can't

spk_0 clearly determine that difference and that boundary. So it can also be challenging sometimes

spk_0 for those of us who identify as empaths or empathic people or highly sensitive people

spk_0 to set and hold really firm boundaries. And that's just because if you're highly sensitive,

spk_0 if you're empathic, it is very likely in your natural temperament and just in who you are

spk_0 to be able to be really attuned to other people's energies, emotions, thoughts, needs, all of that.

spk_0 And sometimes that means we will also take a lot of that on.

spk_0 So one of the reasons for this sometimes again, I don't want to generalize,

spk_0 but sometimes if we are highly sensitive, that can mean that we are more open to the world.

spk_0 And we might have a tendency to energetically absorb things that are going on around us.

spk_0 As you keep walking the path of awakening, it's so essential to develop firm, healthy,

spk_0 self-protective, life-giving, and life-sustaining boundaries and also boundaries that help you safeguard

spk_0 your energy. So you have to become your own healthy protector and be willing to advocate for yourself

spk_0 when needed. This can include for some of us firmly saying no when we don't feel aligned with

spk_0 something or someone. And at the same time, healthy boundaries can be flexible. I have been repeating

spk_0 the word firm, firm boundaries, but sometimes we can find some flexibility within that firmness.

spk_0 And this is because we want to avoid becoming too boundary or over boundary. And this is when

spk_0 it's almost like if we go to the other extreme, so the other end of the spectrum,

spk_0 where now we have boundaries that are too rigid and don't give us enough room to move around

spk_0 in the world, to connect with others to develop healthy, emotional attachments with other people,

spk_0 so on and so forth. And sometimes if we've had a lifetime or a very long time of being under

spk_0 boundary, and not having enough boundaries, sometimes we might react to that and try to overcompensate

spk_0 by developing at first boundaries that may be too rigid. The good thing about all of this,

spk_0 which is true of the inner revolution path overall, is that everything can be adjusted,

spk_0 everything can be course corrected. This is a process that will evolve over time,

spk_0 as we learn and we practice how to set boundaries that feel really good, and that feels strong

spk_0 enough to really protect us and our energy, and that also sometimes are flexible so that we can have

spk_0 those connections and those interactions with the outside world. So sometimes, well, another

spk_0 issue that can arise is that in order to overcompensate for not having enough boundaries in the past,

spk_0 is that we might become overly defensive, or we might try to use boundaries to be more aggressive

spk_0 instead of using them as a form of healthy assertiveness. So this is why it's also important to have

spk_0 a sense of balance when it comes to boundaries and upholding those boundaries. So either

spk_0 extreme, whether your boundaries are too weak or too porous, or if they're too strong and too rigid,

spk_0 this can hinder our growth and it can create some issues. So we want to find a little bit of a

spk_0 middle ground here and play around with kind of the volume of the boundaries that we are setting and

spk_0 the intensity of those boundaries. When we have boundaries that are too weak, some of the consequences

spk_0 that may result from that include, as I mentioned before, overgiving, so falling into this unconscious

spk_0 pattern of overgiving, whether it is time, money, energy, attention, help, whatever else it might be.

spk_0 Another consequence is feeling resentful. If you feel like most of your friendships and relationships

spk_0 are a one way street where you are giving more than you are receiving or where you are having to

spk_0 continually sort of sacrifice what you need or what you prefer to accommodate the other person.

spk_0 Another consequence could be feeling like people are taking advantage of you

spk_0 when you have boundaries that are not strong enough. Another consequence could be feeling like you

spk_0 can be easily manipulated, which is never a good feeling to be in that place or to feel like

spk_0 you are not speaking up for yourself enough or you are not holding other people accountable

spk_0 for their behavior or for them not showing up in the ways that they say they're going to show up.

spk_0 And it's totally understandable why we sometimes try to avoid conflict by not speaking our truth or not

spk_0 calling someone out, but again, this can lead to a feeling of inner resentment. And you might also

spk_0 lose a sense of who you really are in relationships or friendships because it's possible for it to

spk_0 become all about the other person when we have boundaries that are too weak. Now on the other hand,

spk_0 in contrast, when we have boundaries that are too rigid, this is when we might start to feel isolated

spk_0 or disconnected from the rest of the world. It might feel like your friendships or relationships

spk_0 never go to a deeper place or to a deeper intimacy. And by the way, this could show up as a fear

spk_0 of intimacy or deep connection that is driving the very rigid boundaries

spk_0 or as a pattern of pulling away as soon as a relationship or friendship starts to get closer or

spk_0 is moving to maybe a deeper or more vulnerable place, you might also become inflexible about changing

spk_0 plans or unexpected situations or issues or last minute changes when they sometimes come up in life.

spk_0 So if there's a sense of wanting to be in control of every single outcome or every single plan

spk_0 because again underneath there might be a fear of being out of control. This could drive us to set

spk_0 really strong, overly strong boundaries. And it can also be possible to sometimes get to a place

spk_0 where we are overriding. Other people's needs, opinions, preferences, all of that, which can also

spk_0 damage friendships and relationships. Now, and again, I think that's going to be,

spk_0 you know, if you're listening to this podcast, that is likely not something that you have experienced

spk_0 because you are likely more likely to be on the end of the spectrum where you are highly sensitive,

spk_0 highly conscientious, and overgiver, and someone who has sacrificed your own needs, opinions,

spk_0 and preferences to accommodate someone else. But I just wanted to mention that as a possibility

spk_0 of having boundaries that are too rigid so that we can be radically honest about where we are,

spk_0 and always acknowledging that all of this is changeable, all of this can evolve,

spk_0 and we need to have that clear sense of where we are today right now. So we can do the inner work,

spk_0 and we can make any changes that might be necessary. So again, the key is to find

spk_0 that healthy sweet spot in the middle, that middle ground, where your boundaries are clearly

spk_0 established, where your boundaries are really safeguarding your life force, energy, and

spk_0 everything that belongs to you, right, energetically, emotionally, spiritually, really safe guarding that,

spk_0 while at the same time being willing to take into account other people's feelings and needs,

spk_0 and allowing other people to take up their space in the world, and sometimes being flexible enough

spk_0 to change plans at the last minute if we have to, or to change our ways of doing things,

spk_0 trying new things, recognizing that we don't always know the best or right way to do everything,

spk_0 right, so just bringing in a little bit of humility there as well.

spk_0 So how can we deal with someone who violates one of your boundaries? So let's say just as an example,

spk_0 someone who is chronically late when you make plans to meet up with them, and let's say that you

spk_0 have already stated at least once that being on time is a priority for you, and that that's how

spk_0 you feel respected, and you feel like your time and energy are being honored.

spk_0 So in that case, let's say if that happens and the person is late again, so typically a good

spk_0 strategy in that case could be to, first of all, restate the boundary. Now if you've never

spk_0 explained to this person that, you know, being on time, showing up on time, keeping those plans

spk_0 as scheduled is really important for you, and that you feel really disrespected when that doesn't

spk_0 happen, then go ahead and really clearly state that boundary for the first time. If not, you can

spk_0 restate that boundary calmly, yet assertively, and number two, also clearly explaining the consequences

spk_0 if this boundary were to be violated again. So in this case, you could, you know, first restate

spk_0 that being on time is a priority for you because it makes you feel like you matter, like this other

spk_0 person cares for you and respects you, just as you are respecting their time and energy by being

spk_0 punctual. And number two, maybe explaining to this person, whoever it is, that, you know, if they're

spk_0 late again, in the future, you just might not be able to stay for the meeting, right? You might have

spk_0 to leave. So by speaking up in this way or in whatever way it feels like you are really being

spk_0 assertive and standing up for yourself respectfully, you are establishing really how you expect to be

spk_0 treated. You are establishing basically, you know, the rules of the game in a sense, what is acceptable,

spk_0 and what is not acceptable for you in your life, what you are going to tolerate, what you're not

spk_0 going to tolerate within the context of this relationship, whatever the relationship might be.

spk_0 So that can be a useful little framework to consider when you find yourself in a situation that calls

spk_0 for a stronger or clearer setting or resetting of a boundary. So with all of that said, let's do a

spk_0 little bit of self exploration and self reflection. And I'm going to throw out, as usual on this series,

spk_0 a couple of self reflection prompts. These could also be journaling prompts for you to consider.

spk_0 So prompt number one has to do with boundary violations. So think back to a situation where someone crossed

spk_0 one of your boundaries somehow, whether you had clearly stated that boundary already, so whether you had

spk_0 expressed that boundary to that person or not, what was the boundary and what did that person do

spk_0 to cross that boundary or to test that boundary? And how did this make you feel?

spk_0 So looking back as a wiser, more evolved person now, so looking back at the situation from the

spk_0 perspective through the perspective of your higher self, is there anything you wish you had done

spk_0 or said differently in that past situation of boundary crossing? Is there something you wish you

spk_0 could have done or said differently to assertively communicate your boundary and safeguard your energy

spk_0 if that was possible in that past situation? And based on this, how would you want and need

spk_0 to assert your boundaries moving forward? So as you reflect on all of this, as you reflect on a past

spk_0 situation where one of your boundaries was crossed from the perspective of your higher self,

spk_0 can you see anything that you could implement or that you could do or say differently moving forward?

spk_0 And I want to be super clear. Well, first of all, if you need to pause the audio here to reflect a

spk_0 little bit longer on that prompt or to sit down and write or journal about it, please go ahead

spk_0 and then come on back. And I also want to be super, super, super clear that it is not your fault

spk_0 and it has never been your fault or your responsibility when someone else has crossed one of your

spk_0 boundaries or tested one of your boundaries, that has nothing to do with you. Even if you are a

spk_0 highly sensitive and pathic person, regardless of any of that, it's never been your fault, it is not

spk_0 your fault now and it's never been your fault in the past when someone has tried to or actually

spk_0 crossed one of your boundaries. So it is never been a failure on your part, right? And it's never

spk_0 been a matter of you're just not strong enough or you're just not assertive enough or just speak

spk_0 up more for yourself. Sometimes we've been in situations in the past where there were very little

spk_0 options and we might not have been able to defend ourselves or to set a really strong boundary and

spk_0 uphold that boundary for whatever reason, right? Sometimes because of safety reasons, sometimes

spk_0 because we don't want to risk losing a person or a relationship or a friendship, whatever it might be,

spk_0 there for all of us, we've had situations where we might have wanted to set a stronger boundary

spk_0 or to hold someone accountable and it just was not possible for us to do that in the past.

spk_0 So if that's the case, just send so much compassion, grace, love, understanding,

spk_0 exceptions to any aspect of you or any version of you that in the past was not able to set an important

spk_0 boundary just sending so much understanding to that version of you that maybe that was just the

spk_0 only choice back then or that there were no choices back then and that now moving forward into

spk_0 the future, hopefully you have access to more possibilities and more choices and you and different

spk_0 ways of setting boundaries now when you need to. But there is absolutely no judgment, no shame, no blame,

spk_0 no guilt, no blaming of any past version of yourself and how she or he or they might have dealt

spk_0 with boundaries because all of this is part of our evolution as humans. So taking all of that into

spk_0 account, prompt number two, I'm calling this prompt room for improvement because again, we're always

spk_0 evolving, we're always learning more about ourselves and our inner motivations and our inner

spk_0 coping mechanisms and survival mechanisms. And I'm bringing that up because sometimes in the past

spk_0 not setting certain kinds of boundaries may have been part of a survival mechanism or a coping

spk_0 mechanism or just a way to try to get through the day and to survive. So we have to acknowledge

spk_0 that and think all of those survival mechanisms for getting you to where you are today where you

spk_0 can continue evolving from here on out. So prompt number two is called room for improvement

spk_0 and here I'm going to invite you to consider in which areas of your life do you feel you have

spk_0 boundaries, well either where you are missing some important boundaries or where your boundaries

spk_0 could be strengthened. So here's a list of some possible areas to think about. Romantic relationships,

spk_0 friendships, with family, so your immediate family and relatives, with neighbors, at work,

spk_0 so with coworkers or with clients if you do any kind of client work, in your email inbox, this can

spk_0 be an interesting one. So with your emails whether they are personal or for work with text messages.

spk_0 So think about for example, do you put pressure on yourself or get pressure from other people

spk_0 to respond immediately to emails or texts or calls. Do you have this pressure to be available

spk_0 24, 7. Now sometimes I recognize the reality that sometimes that is part of certain people's

spk_0 careers and that you do have to be available at certain times, sometimes a lot of the time and

spk_0 there might not be a lot of wiggle room there, but sometimes we put this pressure on ourselves

spk_0 that we have to be available at absolutely all times, all hours and to sort of be the red cross

spk_0 for everyone, to be the one that puts out all of the fires, so on and so forth. So if you have an

spk_0 issue with this, you might want to consider adding one of those signatures to your emails

spk_0 where maybe you let people know, right, oh, if you email me on the weekend, you're going to hear

spk_0 back from me on Monday or Tuesday, or typically it takes me 48 hours to respond to emails or messages.

spk_0 You know, whatever language resonates with you and if it feels like it can take some of that

spk_0 pressure off your shoulders and that burden of your shoulders and create a bit more spaciousness

spk_0 where you can breathe and not have to be on or have to be available 24, 7. Also consider,

spk_0 do you need to have stronger boundaries, maybe even internal boundaries, when it comes to spending

spk_0 time on social media, on Facebook, on Instagram, or just being online in general,

spk_0 or being on electronic devices, right, so addictive, as we all know. So sometimes we need to set

spk_0 stronger inner boundaries with ourselves of, you know, okay, I'm going to spend in total no more

spk_0 than three hours or two hours per day on social media because again, also we all know how

spk_0 damaging it can be to our mental health and spiritual health and emotional health and even physical health

spk_0 if we are spending compulsive amounts of time on social media or even listening to the news

spk_0 and just being bombarded with all of this stimuli that is not necessarily helping us evolve or be at

spk_0 peace or be in touch with our wisest most loving selves. So consider these areas again, if you need to

spk_0 take a minute or two to sit down and reflect on this or write about this, you can pause the audio

spk_0 here to do so. And the invitation from here on out for all of us, myself included, will be to

spk_0 gradually continue improving, refining, fine-tuning, strengthening our boundaries across all of these

spk_0 areas and also remembering that it is very normal and very human to feel more anxious or to feel

spk_0 a sense of guilt or to feel like you're being selfish so to feel uncomfortable in some way

spk_0 when you are setting a new, healthier, stronger boundary. So common for anxiety to go up

spk_0 as we are practicing how to do that. And actually the way I have looked at it in my life to help

spk_0 me get through those moments of discomfort is that if you are experiencing guilt,

spk_0 increased anxiety, restlessness, discomfort while you are setting a new, really important,

spk_0 really assertive boundary for yourself, that's a great and actually good positive indicator

spk_0 that you are breaking free from old patterns that you are no longer overgiving, that you are no

spk_0 longer people pleasing if that used to be a pattern for you, that you are creating more space for

spk_0 yourself and for your needs in the world, which is a really beautiful and worthwhile thing to do.

spk_0 So keep on going and really believe and trust and know that that discomfort or that guilt or that

spk_0 anxiety that's not going to kill you, it's not going to break you, you can get through it, you can

spk_0 sit with it and it will pass, right? So there's going to be a spike of that guilt or anxiety or

spk_0 discomfort when you first set a new boundary, you know, and that spike might be a day or a few days

spk_0 or a week, but eventually like all emotions, like all sensations, those emotions and sensations

spk_0 will pass and will start to soften and you'll come out the other side even stronger and feeling

spk_0 such a sense of pride in yourself for breaking away from those old patterns that no longer serve you.

spk_0 And also just as a reminder, it feels appropriate in this moment, a reminder that if we are genuinely

spk_0 revolutionizing ourselves, revolutionizing who we are from the inside out and becoming more of who

spk_0 we really are, there is going to be discomfort at times and there is going to be anxiety at times

spk_0 because we are charting a new path and we are breaking new ground and we are disconnecting

spk_0 ourselves and detaching ourselves from the old familiar ways of being that we're just no longer

spk_0 serving us. So there's going to be discomfort sometimes and that's okay, that's a part of genuine

spk_0 growth and of genuine inner revolution. So keep on walking the path. Please let me know how this

spk_0 episode lands and how this inner revolution series has been helping you if it has I'd love to

spk_0 hear you can always connect by sending a note to me at Josephinharmon.com or you can head over to the

spk_0 website Josephinharmon.com to explore possible ways of working together. Thank you so very much

spk_0 for being here. I am sending you so much love and sending you so much courage as well as you set

spk_0 some new and healthy and flexible and life affirming boundaries for yourself. I know you can do it

spk_0 and I'll catch you in the next one.

INNER REVOLUTION: 12 - Setting boundaries to safeguard your energy, space, time & sanity

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