Health
Episode 29: Married To Shame
In Episode 29 of the Marriage Counselor's Corner, Dr. David Taylor explores the complex theme of shame and its profound impact on marriages. Drawing from Tim Fletcher's teachings, he delves ...
Episode 29: Married To Shame
Health •
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Interactive Transcript
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Welcome to the Marriage Counselor's Corner.
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Right this way, your therapist will see you shortly.
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In the meantime, sit back, kick your feet up on the couch, and get ready to focus on adding
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very valuable tools to your Mirrors Toolkit.
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And now your host the Marriage Counselor, David Taylor.
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What's up guys?
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Yeah, guess what?
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I'm back.
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That's right, I am back.
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My name is David Taylor and I am your host.
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Yes, it is true.
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I am back in the booth.
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Finally, after taking off, probably I don't know half a year, more than half a year now.
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I'm here, y'all.
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I'm here. I promise I'm alive.
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Everything is going well.
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And I promise you, I have been very, very, very busy.
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This is good though.
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I'm not the same person that I was since the last episode for starters.
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You can now officially call me Dr. David Taylor.
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Yes, I successfully defended my dissertation in January and then I graduated this past May with my doctorate.
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I finally have that busy and demanding doctorate program behind me, y'all.
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That's why I'm back and I'm energized and I'm focused.
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And guess what?
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We've also rebranded our primary marriage related business from mastering marriage to the mastering marriage institute.
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And that in and of itself is a huge undertaking as I have also updated all of our website.
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See, I got some stuff for you with some new additions that many of you will be excited to learn about.
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So stick around for details on that later.
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So yes, I'm here y'all. I'm missed y'all.
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I've gotten tons and tons and tons of messages.
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Even negative reviews about my absence.
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Okay, so that tells me that I should have been back a long time ago.
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So I appreciate y'all holding me accountable.
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Yes, I'm here.
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Now, some of you may be wondering, okay, why the mastering marriage institute?
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Why did we rebrand it?
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Well, you guys have heard me talk about this before, but it's my passion to be the premier reading.
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It's a resource or marriage enrichment and education.
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I want to provide more resources to enrich your marriage and to educate your marriage.
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So it is only natural that we take this next leap in our evolution.
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Now, be sure to listen out for more updates in this space as we go on,
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because I'll share with you more updates on that.
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But I'm here. I'm back.
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And now that I've reintroduced myself.
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Yeah, let's get to the reason that you came here to begin with. Let's talk about the marriage counselors corner podcast now
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if you are a normal listener or if you're new just know that this is the place where you get credible and tangible
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Marriage related information from a licensed mental health counselor and doctor over the past two decades of my clinical
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Experience I've discovered some things a lot of things actually that work to make your marriage healthy
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So I want you to see these episodes as a master class and marriage where I take a psychological and practical approach to marriage education and
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Enrichment and this is episode number 29 and and today's episode and today's session and today's meeting
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I will be discussing a topic that
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It took me a while to develop due to how complex and deep it is actually
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This is this is a topic that's been revolving a theme that's been revolving in many of my sessions over the last few months
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Usually when there is a constant theme that comes up I lean into it to see what else is there and in doing so
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I discovered Tim Fletcher's teachings on
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Shame and was amazed with his presentation on these ideas
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So I'll be referencing him throughout the course of my teachings today and in today's session again episode number 29
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I will be discussing shame now more specifically because I need y'all to I need y'all to listen
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More specifically I will be discussing what shame is
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Where it comes from and how shame impacts the way people show up in their marriages
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Now this information is way tea and pretty dense. It's a lot there
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However, I will attempt to deconstruct it in a manner that is tangible and easily understood
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Now although this information is for your marriage
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This information is mainly for you the spouse as
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Most people bring their shame with them into their marriage in all actuality most people are
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Married to their shame. That's right. You heard that correctly now
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Before you disqualify yourself into thinking that this topic has nothing to do with you
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Just stick around a little you just might be pleasantly
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surprised
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first off
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Shame is not merely any motion. Oh, and y'all we got started we we already started, okay?
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So just go ahead and get your pen and pat because we're gonna dive in today
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So but anyway shame is not merely in emotion
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Actually shame is a core belief shame is less about how you feel and more about what and how you think about yourself
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Shame is a core belief that you often
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Won't be aware of it lurks in the shadows of our subconscious and our conscious
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But it's lurking but it's in the shadows. So you ain't gonna see it see shame can be defined as a
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skewed sense of self
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It is about seeing yourself as not lovable not valuable not good enough or less than it affects how you see
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Your identity
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Now speaking of core beliefs
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Core beliefs are beliefs and thoughts that happen on an automatic and subconscious level
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these are thoughts that frame and
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Shape how you interact with the world around you and these are thoughts that ultimately influence how you show up inside of your marriage
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More on that in a bit
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See, I need to take the time to go through this because some of you
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Probably a lot of y'all we be in an honest
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Will most likely disqualify yourself because on the surface you think that you're good enough you go to church you
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Quote your scriptures and you speak your affirmations you smile at yourself in the mirror
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Your appear optimistic you feed the homeless and thus you believe that shame has no hold on you
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That is
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Until I start asking questions
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But again, I'm getting ahead of myself see the main point here though is that shame is
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Not easy to pick up on in most people because we have an instinctual drive to be seen as all-tristic
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We want to be seen as good enough even when we don't believe it
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So we cover the shame with muscles with a full beard with fake eyelashes
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With makeup with bbls with name brands and Instagram filters
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We hide it well y'all we do we do a good job of hiding it well
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however
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There is one place where I have found shame to be exposed
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The most
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That place is inside of your marriage
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I have found that if you have shame
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It will most certainly show up inside of your marriage
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Now before I can get to that
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It's important for me to speak briefly on where shame comes from
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And for this I will be referencing Tim Fletcher's teachings because of how concise they are
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First of all shame happens as a result of
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Us not getting what we should have gotten during the formative years of our childhoods
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The formative years are the first seven to eight years of a child's life
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How the child experiences these years sets the stage for how they will experience the rest of their lives
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So think of these first seven to eight years of your life as the foundation that holds up all of the rest of your life
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That means y'all that
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You never will truly deviate from the path of thinking and feeling that you developed
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During these first seven to eight years and I know I know that sounds weird
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But walk with me, okay? Just stay with me. I got you
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There's more to see here y'all this let's go a little deeper
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To add to that
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If you have dealt with trauma during those years
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You would most likely have shame issues to some extent
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Now I know I'm using the word issues. So again some of you guys will try to disqualify yourselves
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But just stick with me for a little while please just for a little while
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I know I haven't been around in a minute so some of y'all don't know me that well, but just just walk with me
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Now if you have dealt with complex trauma the chances of you struggling with shame goes even higher
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Again before you disqualify yourself
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I want you to think of trauma as something that happens inside of you
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after something
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happens to you
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I say this because most people only think of complex trauma when they hear the word trauma and
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Complex trauma are things like abuse of any kind
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molestation abandonment divorce
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illnesses
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death
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Accidents or injuries it could even be things like bullying right but there are other things that are treated as traumatic that perhaps were more
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discrete
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Again, try not to disqualify yourself here instead. Let's see what is true for you
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With what I am about to share because we're gonna talk about some of these things
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Think of it from this angle all babies. I mean all babies
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Come into this world looking to be loved
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It is inherent in who we are as humans
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As we mature into our childhood this desire to be loved shifts into questions that we often ask
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See we want to be desired. We want to have value. We want to feel good enough
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We want someone to have a relationship with us. We want to feel connected
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But keep in mind
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These aren't questions that a child will verbalize rather they are looking for evidences to answer these questions
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They are looking to the mirrors of their life to answer those unasked questions
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Usually those initial questions sound something like this
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Do I have value and how much value do I have do I matter?
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Do I have anything to offer am I lovable am I desirable?
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Am I important and my significant? Am I good?
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Now again
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They will not verbalize these questions because often these are kids these are children, right?
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So they may not even have the words to say but these are things that are thought and felt and instead they are looking for the answers
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Reflected back to them by the mirrors of their lives
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So those mirrors begin with mom and dad, right your guardians how they treated you as a child
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How they communicated to you as a child all those things mirrored back to you whether you had value
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And if you were lovable in a healthy home the child will get a healthy reflection mirrored back to them
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They may get a message that they have great inherent value
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That love is not predicated on what you do but rather who you are
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But in an unhealthy home
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They get the opposite
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They learn that feeling loved is about performance
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About presentation
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or progress
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That to be worthy of your parents love means that you have to
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Earn it
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They learn love is conditional
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Now
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This isn't just the extremes though. So here are some very discrete ways
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To get back a negative reflection from your parents or those closest to you because sometimes it's not just about the parents
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It's about siblings and other people that are also influential in your childhood
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See if anything that I'm about to list
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Resonates with what you experienced while growing up remember. I want you to qualify yourself not disqualify yourself
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So instead of trying to find out how this is not true
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I want you to ask yourself in what ways is or are these things true
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Okay, so here are a few things
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I want to see what resonates and these are things that you will get mirrored back from you
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You may have got married back from you from your parents
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So if you shared your opinion and you were laughed at or not taken seriously
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This perhaps communicated that you were stupid or lacked anything of value to contribute
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If you were belittled like being told that you would never amount to anything you are a failure
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You are always doing wrong things being clumsy or embarrassing that could have also
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Reflected back to you that something was wrong with you
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If you were compared to other family members or individuals who they saw as successful
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If you were blamed for your parents problems
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If you were not allowed to express your emotions or communicate your thoughts
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Right if you grew up in the 80s you probably heard this kids should be seen not heard
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Right
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If you had to deal with a parent or parents not following through on their words or promises
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I promise I'm gonna come visit you today and today ends up becoming a week
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Are you sitting on the porch waiting for a parent to show up and they never showed up right?
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That's another reflection that you probably got
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More are if there was a lack of discipline or healthy boundaries
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Or if there was neglect or emotionally unavailable parents perhaps due to working too much
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Due to their own issues due to illnesses due to having too many kids due to divorce
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Alcoholism drug use right all those things
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If your parents or caregivers were all about image and presentation
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Also this could come from having parents who only rewarded you when you achieved something or if you were constantly criticized
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Another one is if there was a lack of nurturing or affection or validation
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Maybe your parents value system also reflected a message
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See I have worked with teens who were in perfectly healthy shape
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But developed an eating disorder due to one of their parents being you know either thin or
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imposing this value on them about their body image
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Here's another one that I've personally experienced and this was me David
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Going to school when I was a kid and having to wear my sister's boyfriend's hand me down clothes while everybody else got to wear their new
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Clothes during you know that first week of school when everybody's wearing their new clothes and shoes
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I got the hand me down clothes. That's another thing that could have contributed to shame
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Another one is abandonment see Tim flexure says that
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This sends perhaps the greatest message of shame and self-worth
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So if you were abandoned if you were
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Adoption or in the adoption system
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That's another huge contributor to having a negative self reflection
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Also not being able to make a distinction between who the child is and what they do
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See in a healthy family the child can do something bad or something wrong
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But still be loved and not seen as a bad child on the flip side with a shame a child can do something bad
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And is treated as a bad child
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In some cases the parents will even withhold love attention or validation from that child when they do something wrong
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Right, so these if you is I want you to listen to those things and maybe some of those resonated with your experience
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While growing up those are things that can contribute to shame think of the difference between guilt and shame as guilt is
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I do something wrong so I feel wrong where a shame says I did something wrong
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So I am a bad person or I'm a wrong person right that's the difference between guilt and shame now
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These things the things that I just mentioned from your parents
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These things will send a message to you a reflection to you about your worth
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The child will tend to use these reflections as a way to
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answer the questions that
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They already are asking themselves about self-worth
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Value and whether or not they are lovable
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So that's just the parent mirror. There's a lot of mirrors. I'm just gonna give you a few
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Right here's another mirror that also reflects back to the child and at this point maybe the teenager
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Images about their self-worth a major
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Mirror is Hollywood culture and social media
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Right, there are constant messages on beauty standards and attraction and desire
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That are perpetuated in the media and these standards are often captured by us regular individuals as what normal should be
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So we look at what they're doing as celebrities with all the money and the makeup and resources it means and they will say well wait
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Even though I'm normal I should be at that standard or I should look that way or I should my body should be shaped that way
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Now, Abra you ain't got that kind of money in those resources, right?
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See physical attraction is celebrated. This is why for many women they won't go outside
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Without their faces on okay, not all y'all okay. Don't get on me. I just got to speak my truth
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Or for many guys they want to portray the illusion of strength and bravado
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So go to any gym and you're gonna see a bunch of guys
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Convincing themselves by looking in the literal mirror that they are strong enough right and
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They have this idea that this equal self-worth okay, so that's another major mirror
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Hollywood culture. This is why like if you grew up in the 80s and 90s all the action heroes had muscles
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Right they all were strong think of Arnold Schwarzenegger
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Sylvester Stallone right these are guys that when you look at them in Rambo or these movies that portrayed these
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Super action heroes they all had muscles and strength and chisel jaws right?
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This is what they look like that was the illusion of attraction. That's another mirror another mirror another massive mirror
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Is the school and education system? Heck the whole grading system is
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Performance base. It's a performance based metric and I'm not saying that it is not useful
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But let's be clear. We all want to be seen as the smart kids the ones capable of getting straight A's and A's make us feel competent
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C's D's and F's
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Don't I remember growing up in grade school getting free McDonald's vouchers for being on the honor roll
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I felt smart and the school reinforced that right but those who didn't achieve that honor roll
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Well, guess what they were beneath me
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It was literally called the honor roll or in some cases the deans list. I made the list
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Right I had one client
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Graduate at the head of her class in high school because she felt that this would get her family to love her more
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Only to find herself feeling unfulfilled
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After achieving that milestone her shame was reinforced even after getting a high GPA
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Also
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Social groups and school become a mirror that impacts the child's self-concept
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So that's another mirror to look into
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Another major mirror that we're going to talk about a little bit is the church
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Don't crucify me. I'm here to speak truth. I know my purpose. Okay, but the church
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is another massive mirror
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See some of you guys have dealt with shame because of church hurt
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You went to the church looking to find a loving God only to find a God little G God who judged you for the way you talked
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For how scripturally inept you were for the fact that you didn't give enough on your tithes and offerings or you missed your six a.m.
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Prayer call
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Some of you gave your pastor permission to shame blame you
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Because you didn't give to the building fund or you didn't lift your hands high enough during praise and worship
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Some of you felt the pressure to fit into a church culture that was established on the foundation of
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Fake and phony and I hear all the stories all the horror stories. You know, I hear them
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You weren't allowed to be your true self at church and thus you left feeling unseen
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Unclean and an outcast more on that in the bit
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Let's be honest marriage can be hard even good couples here rough seasons were communication breaks down
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Trust is shaken or you just start to feel more like roommates than partners
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But it doesn't have to stay that way at the master marriage institute. We believe your marriage is worth fighting for and
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Healing is possible
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That's why we've created our brand new virtual mirrors workshops
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Led by a licensed mental health therapist with over 20 years of clinical experience
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This isn't your typical marriage advice or one size fits all contents
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These two day workshops are interactive deeply practical and rooted in both biblical truth and real clinical insights
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Whether you're newly married or decades in this is your chance to take intentional steps towards
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Stronger and healthier marriage, but here's the catch
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Space is limited to just 30 couples in our first cohort
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Visit mastery marriage institute dot com today to register and secure your spot
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That's mastery marriage institute dot com
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Your marriage is worthy investment. Let's take the first step together
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Okay
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Okay, so by now you have most likely qualified yourself based on one or many of those aforementioned mirrors
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Now I want to briefly and I do mean briefly
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talk about how shame impacts the marriage
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And I want to give you four ways that shame can impact your marriage now
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This is important because if you have qualified yourself
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Now I want you to start looking at the ways that this impacts and impedes your marriage
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So the first way that shame can impact your marriage is this shame makes the marriage and your spouse
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Responsible for fixing in the present the broken pieces of you that your past produced
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See we often bring with us our brokenness
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From our past and we put them on full display in the present and we're expecting our marriage
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Again, it's a subconscious
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But we're expecting our marriage to fix those things that are broken
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This is why we say things like I want you to complete me or you complete me or you're my better half right
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We're often looking to fill those holes with the things that our spouse bring with them
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To us that we feel we need from them. So again shame makes the marriage
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And your spouse responsible for fixing in you what they did not break. Okay, that's important
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Now because of time
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Limitations I'm not going to sit here and talk about what to do with this
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You're going to have to come visit me for that or come hang out at one of our
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Weekend workshops. We'll talk about that in a minute
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But I want you to be thinking about that. Here's another way that shame
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Impacts the marriage number two shame limits your ability to truly be loved by your spouse
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After all, how can they truly see the real you if shame is your projection
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See we often aren't aware of what we are projecting
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And so if we are projecting shame or shame-based actions and attitudes and thought processes
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We aren't really showing our true self
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And as a byproduct you're going to find yourself fully
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Unloved by your spouse maybe it's because they don't know how to love you because they don't know how to love you
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But maybe it's because they don't know how to love you because you aren't showing the person
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Of you that needs to be loved by them. There's a distinction
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Hopefully you get it sometimes they can't love you because you're not even positioning your true self to be loved
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Okay, because shame can limit how much of you you show them
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Often shame will cause you to hide
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To cover up to produce a distorted perspective of who you really are
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Let me go to the next one number three shame. I just used this word shame distorts reality
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And shame can cause you to misread what your
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Spouse is actually saying to you
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Shame can cause you to hear things that they did not say because you're constantly interpreting
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gaps filling in the information
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You will tend to interpret things in a way to confirm the shame that is protecting you
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Yes
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Your shame is often protecting you and as humans we're often
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Actually, we're usually looking for confirmation in all of the things all the areas of our life
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So you guys have probably heard of confirmation bias. That's what it looks like right if I'm outside with you
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And I say hey look at that cloud looks like Mickey Mouse and then your mind you like not
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I don't look like no Mickey Mouse, but in my mind
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I have to confirm that to be true
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So it I'm seeing that even though it may not even look like that, okay?
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The same can be the case in the marriage
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You just rejected me you just rejected a bit. Well, maybe you didn't but maybe my shame is distorting
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Your actions, okay?
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Causing me to hear something that you did not say
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Causing you to read too deeply into something that they did not say and trust me
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I see this all the time in marriages
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Number four here's just the fourth way there are more than four ways by the way guys
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But I just want to give you four here's another important way that shame can impact your marriage is shame causes you to live
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in a perpetual state of coping
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Well, this is a good one emotions like anger anxiety depression self-pity defensiveness even something like complex PTSD
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Right these things become how you react to conflicts in your marriage
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Instead of using healthy coping skills and healthy coping tools as a matter of fact if you are wrestling with shame
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You probably don't have a lot of healthy coping tools
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Because you've gotten so used to using shame as a way to protect you
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And so that becomes a perpetual state of coping some people who struggle with shame find themselves often in a perpetual loop of drama and conflict
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Something always is going on some issue
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some unresolved situation some new situation, but it's always something coming up every day every week
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It's often because they need this shame this issue because they're used to coping with it a certain way
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And we don't like to abandon how we cope okay, so listen I could stay there. I could go even deeper with this because
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Huh, this is just a tip of the iceberg, but I didn't want to you know me coming back after a couple months a lot of months of
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Off the air. I didn't want to overwhelm you guys with a lot of information
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I just wanted to say I'm back in I'm back. I'm back in the booth
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so
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I will most likely spend a whole other session
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whole other episode just to cover these four things and probably add to those
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Now if I have more time I will go deeper, but I want to spare you guys
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But instead I invite you to reach out to me
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If you like to go deeper with this concept like if you're wrestling with shame and you've seen it show up in your marriage
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You maybe have complex PTSD or some other issue that's just plaguing your mayors
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plaguing how you show up
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Reach out to me if you don't want to wait until I do another episode
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I implore you to email me directly at David at Marpe in May RPE
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Services.com and you can get on my calendar and I know many of you guys are reached out and you've often said hey
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Dave man, it's it's tough to get a hold of you. It's because I've been busy y'all have been I've been very busy
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And I've been busy working with many of you guys many of my listeners reach out and they get on the calendar
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So keep doing that
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In the meantime though, I want to give you an action item
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For your action item I want you to answer these two questions. They're only two. Okay, I want you to answer these questions number one
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What mirrors have caused the most shame in my life now?
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I just only went through a few right your parenting mirror
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Hollywood culture and social media
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school and education
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church
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Right, those are just a few mirrors
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There are more but of those that I mentioned
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Have any of those caused shame and to what degree and then number two of the four ways that shame can impact your marriage
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Which of those ways are relevant to you in your marriage
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So those four ways that I went over of how shame impacts the marriage which of those are relevant to you and your marriage
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Okay, and I just want you to focus on those two questions
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Okay, just focus on those two as your action item
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so
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Let's let's do this because I'm gonna wrap up here, but I just want you to know I just I want to spark a
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deeper level of self-awareness right now
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I don't want to we don't have to go deeper into the like the solutions yet
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I want you self-aware. I want you thinking about these things the healing and the growth will come it'll come
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Trust me, but I want you to be more aware of
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Where this impacts you the most okay?
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Well, here's what I'll do. I'll wrap up here
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Just know that it is my desire that both you and your spouse
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You this information to take your marriage to the next level
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But remember you only get out of your marriage what you put into your marriage not what you want from your marriage
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So get to work putting in the work
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Anyway guys, I just want to say thank you for coming into your session at the marriage counsellors corner
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Join me in the next episode where we're gonna talk about another very important topic that you don't want to miss out on
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Also, please remember visit our brand new website. I hope you like it. I hope it's beautiful
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I hope you can go through it and understand it much more seamlessly. I hope everything works out for you
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I want you to visit the website. I want you to go down scroll down a little bit on the homepage
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And I want you to sign up for our brand new
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Weekend marriage workshops. These are something that we're excited to
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You know offer the general public because people have been asking how can we work with you guys in this capacity?
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So now we finally open the doors. Okay, so I don't want you to delay in your registration
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Okay, cuz it's based off of first come first serve
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So only 30 couples can spend this time with us at first
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And then we'll expand it to more in our next couple. Okay, finally
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Finally, we are providing a resource that many of you have been requesting so go to
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mastering marriage institute.com that's mastering marriage institute.com to sign up today
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Also remember to subscribe to the podcast leave me an honest rating and review and I will thank you when you do that
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That way other individuals can have access to these episodes. Okay, and I'll greatly appreciate that
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anyways go out there and be smart be intentional stay out of trouble and I'll talk to you soon
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deuces
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Thanks for stopping by for your seat on the couch at the marriage counselors corner
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Remember go to marriagecouncerscorner.com to schedule your next session
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Also, don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so that you never miss a session
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We look forward to having you back on the couch soon. Bye bye now
Topics Covered
Marriage Counselor
David Taylor
Marriage enrichment
Shame in marriage
Core beliefs
Mental health counselor
Trauma and shame
Marriage education
Mastering Marriage Institute
Psychological approach to marriage
Marriage-related information
Licensed therapist
Childhood trauma
Self-worth in relationships
Emotional health
Marriage podcast