124. 3 Reasons You’re Having Conflicts, Not Peaceful Conversations

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spk_0 Welcome to Relationships site, the podcast, helping you design the relationship you are.

spk_0 With couples therapy costing a pretty penny, relationships site gives you access to couples

spk_0 therapy insights without spending a dime.

spk_0 Tune in for discussions on communication, managing conflicts, recovering from infidelity,

spk_0 attachment, and more.

spk_0 I'm your host, Amber Dawson.

spk_0 I'm a psychologist and couples therapist.

spk_0 A few of my favorite things are my husband, grapes, and my adorable little dog grapes.

spk_0 Simply by listening, you're going to get tools to help you and your partner create a loving

spk_0 and harmonious relationship that can withstand the test of time.

spk_0 This podcast is for informational purposes only, and should not be misconstrued for specific

spk_0 relationship advice.

spk_0 For advice for your specific relationship, seek out a local couples therapist in your area.

spk_0 Welcome to Relationships site.

spk_0 Today we are talking about three reasons you are having conflicts, not peaceful conversations.

spk_0 When many couples start therapy, they often tell me they want to communicate better.

spk_0 Have better tools for how to communicate, they want the relationship to be more peaceful,

spk_0 and they want a level of kindness and respect.

spk_0 Do you relate?

spk_0 I know I want a peaceful relationship with kindness and respect.

spk_0 So, these are pretty wonderful goals for couples.

spk_0 There was a time in my relationship with my now husband, where we also wanted respecting kindness.

spk_0 But we were in a pattern where we were fighting a lot.

spk_0 I would tell myself every morning that I just wasn't going to fight with him today,

spk_0 and by mid-afternoon we were stuck in the same old conflict pattern.

spk_0 Again, so I know how hard it can be to break the patterns of fighting when you're already stuck.

spk_0 But I know you can get out of it.

spk_0 Because today my husband and I have a peaceful, loving, stable, calm relationship

spk_0 where we talk about our issues and don't fight about our issues.

spk_0 Well, most of the time.

spk_0 Like around this time, last year I was newly postpartum, and we didn't have a couple fights

spk_0 when I was super sleep deprived.

spk_0 But now that I sleep again, we are back to the stable income.

spk_0 It was just so hard to control emotions.

spk_0 In general, it's hard to control emotions if you don't sleep.

spk_0 Sleep, sleep deprivation, sleep deprivation is not good for anything.

spk_0 Sleep is good for lots of things.

spk_0 This weekend couples therapy. Many of my couples who love each other very much were struggling.

spk_0 I was reminded of how hard it can be to communicate when you are upset

spk_0 and you don't have the tools for productive disagreement.

spk_0 It is normal, even healthy, for couples to disagree.

spk_0 But how, yes, how you disagree has the power to lead you to deeper understanding

spk_0 and productive problem solving or harsh words, raised voices and hurt feelings,

spk_0 even destruction of your relationship break up into force.

spk_0 Here are three mistakes I saw in couples therapy this week.

spk_0 Mistake number one, making negative assumptions about what your partner thinks.

spk_0 When people are upset, our negative emotions colors are thinking.

spk_0 This is called emotional reasoning.

spk_0 It's normal. We all do it from time to time.

spk_0 The more upset you are, the more you attribute someone's intentions to match your negative emotions.

spk_0 So you're going to think about what someone means in a more negative way, the more upset you are.

spk_0 Here is an example of what this sounded like this week in therapy.

spk_0 So this couple was talking about their difference in balancing their child care responsibilities.

spk_0 Here is what the husband said. Here is what the wife thought.

spk_0 Husband.

spk_0 I want to be able to go play pool with my friends for four hours on a Saturday.

spk_0 I don't want to feel guilty about going or feeling like I have to make up the time the next day.

spk_0 I want us to both get free time.

spk_0 Wife.

spk_0 It's because you think raising a children is a woman's job.

spk_0 Uh oh. Do you see the negative attribution on the part of the wife?

spk_0 Not only does she take what he said and make it have a negative meaning,

spk_0 speaking it out loud like this comes off as a criticism of him.

spk_0 If you've been listening, you will know that criticism is one of the four horsemen and is a predictor of relationship to tier-ration and divorce.

spk_0 Criticism is making it complained like it's a shortcoming of your partner's personality or giving them a negative attribution.

spk_0 Look, as the default parent, as a woman in my household, I know how easy it is to make negative assumptions like exactly this one about my partner.

spk_0 When I'm really upset, I thought the same thing.

spk_0 Look, it's not that the thought itself is wrong. We all have thoughts. It's okay to have thoughts.

spk_0 However, stating them in this way and not listening to what your partner is trying to tell you,

spk_0 she's going to get in the way of a productive path forward.

spk_0 It's okay to have your own beliefs, your own values, and your own views about how parenting and free time should be split.

spk_0 It's also reasonable to not want to have to be the default parent all the time while your partner goes out.

spk_0 It's reasonable to have feelings about what your partner said.

spk_0 It's about how she presents her opinions and to stay away from giving her partner a negative interpretation.

spk_0 As you'll hear, she didn't really listen to what he had to say.

spk_0 Alright, mistake number two. The second mistake is failing to turn towards your partner's bid for connection.

spk_0 Here is an example. Wife.

spk_0 Let's sit down and plow out our week. There's so much going with the kids and we also need to find some time to connect.

spk_0 Husband. I'm going to cook dinner. Wife.

spk_0 When you're done cooking dinner, let's talk. Husband.

spk_0 There's so much to do. Wife.

spk_0 I know. That's why we need to make a plan. Husband.

spk_0 Maybe I can talk when all the things in the house are done. There's so much to do.

spk_0 Wife. Now she's getting louder. Seriously. All I want to do is make a plan so we can divide and conquer.

spk_0 Be a team player. Husband. Getting louder.

spk_0 I am a team player. You don't see that I am making dinner.

spk_0 The reason I can't talk right now is because of all the things I have to do to make this household run.

spk_0 Wife. Yelling.

spk_0 Obviously, I can see you are making dinner. I just want to have a five minute conversation. Is that so hard?

spk_0 Husband. You always get like this. Why don't you understand? This is why I don't want to talk to you.

spk_0 Okay. What on earth has happened here?

spk_0 So, initially, this husband has failed to turn towards his partner's bid for connection.

spk_0 A bid for connection is anything you do to get your partner's attention, affection, connection, humor.

spk_0 You can respond to a bid by turning towards turning away or turning against.

spk_0 Let's go over what this would have looked like in this situation.

spk_0 Turning towards a bid means noticing and recognizing that your partner has made a bid and engaging towards that bid.

spk_0 In this case, it might have sounded like sure. Let me finish making dinner and we can chat for five minutes.

spk_0 A turn away from a bid means missing the bid or not acknowledging the bid.

spk_0 In this case, the husband kind of did that turn to way, at least initially, saying, you know, I'm cooking dinner.

spk_0 Not saying yes, not saying okay. Let's talk about later. Let's make time to connect just said I'm cooking dinner.

spk_0 So the bid wasn't really acknowledged. Then we have turning against.

spk_0 This means we're rejecting the bid or turning on your partner, like using defensiveness, criticism, or contempt.

spk_0 It could sound like, you're always bringing things to me that you could just sort out on your own.

spk_0 Being out on make your own plan.

spk_0 In this example, the husband and wife start out in a turn away and move into a turn against as the conversation and argument goes on.

spk_0 Dr. John Gottman did a six year study with newlyweds.

spk_0 He found that couples that stayed together turned towards each other 86% of the time.

spk_0 Look, you think of like university grading scales depending on the grading scale. That's like an A, A, minus B, plus.

spk_0 So we know you need a pretty decent score of turning towards each other a lot of the time in the couples that stayed together.

spk_0 Gottman also found couples that got divorced only turned towards each other 33% of the time.

spk_0 So what we see here is turning towards matters.

spk_0 In this example, the turn towards was missed and it led to greater conflict.

spk_0 Mistake number three.

spk_0 Micro looks of negativity while your partner is speaking.

spk_0 I'm talking here about the body language you are using when your partner talks.

spk_0 Here is an example that happened in therapy this week.

spk_0 Husband.

spk_0 I feel unheard in our house. If I talk to you, I don't feel acknowledged.

spk_0 I can't get our kids to take any direction.

spk_0 I don't know how to get anybody around here to listen to me.

spk_0 Finally, it's like my frustration boils over and I start yelling.

spk_0 And you know what? It works. Finally, you listen. Finally, the kids stop fighting and finally there is peace.

spk_0 I don't know how to get any of you to listen if I don't yell.

spk_0 Wife.

spk_0 She's silent.

spk_0 While he is speaking, she's glaring, rolling your eyes and shaking her head.

spk_0 Look, I get disagreeing with what your partner is saying.

spk_0 It's normal to disagree with what your partner says.

spk_0 But if you ultimately want peace and respectful communication that doesn't turn into conflict, you must stay away from these micro negative looks while your partner is talking.

spk_0 All behavior is communicative.

spk_0 And by her glairs and her eye rolls and she shaking her head, she is communicating, you're wrong.

spk_0 And a general sense of disrespect for what her partner is saying.

spk_0 This is the subtle form of displaying contempt.

spk_0 Contempt is when you use your words or behaviors that place you in a position of relative superiority over your partner.

spk_0 Or an attempt to insult or injure your partner.

spk_0 And this is going to sabotage you from getting your needs met.

spk_0 It's going to make your partner feel unheard and disrespected.

spk_0 It's going to destroy your relationship and lead to relationship deterioration and eventually divorce.

spk_0 These three mistakes I have gone through.

spk_0 Looks of my connectivity while your partner is speaking, turning, failing to turn towards your partner's bits for connection.

spk_0 And making negative assumptions about what your partner thinks.

spk_0 These are three things that can turn conversations into conflicts.

spk_0 These are all easy pitfalls we can all end up accidentally doing.

spk_0 I know I'd be there.

spk_0 To overcome them, you have to first be willing to communicate differently.

spk_0 Even when you disagree with what your partner is saying.

spk_0 Even when you're mad.

spk_0 Even when you're right.

spk_0 You have to recognize you both have different and equally valid views.

spk_0 Even if you don't like their view, you have to recognize it is equally valid.

spk_0 It's critical to be able to tolerate listening without any interruption or negative faces.

spk_0 You have to also just listen and have a space where it is safe and respectful when you both share your different sides.

spk_0 Creating a safe dialogue where both opinions can be heard, communicated, and understood

spk_0 is a pathway to creating peace and respect.

spk_0 Only after both people in a partnership feel heard and understood can you create lasting solutions that build a bridge between you.

spk_0 The first step to problem solving is really listening and understanding.

spk_0 This is also the path to conversations that stay away from becoming complex.

spk_0 Thank you for tuning in to Relationships Like, the podcast.

spk_0 Put on by Ember Relationships Ecology.

spk_0 If you're looking for more free Relationship help or advice that come straight from the couples therapy room,

spk_0 check out the free resources and the blog at www.emberrelationshipsychology.com.

124. 3 Reasons You’re Having Conflicts, Not Peaceful Conversations

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